What if Ethan hadn't come to Babylon?
(eppy 220)
Brian wanted to see him.
As much as Justin tried to deny it, he was SO HAPPY to hear that.
Why couldn’t he get over him already??
He looked all over for Brian. Could he be in the back room? He walked over there expecting the worst. And there he was, with rage, zipping up his pants.
Justin smiled bitterly. He wasn’t at all surprised. He shook his head and started walking out. But as he was walking, he felt Brian behind him.
“You know, I’d like to think that you did that to get back at me but I’ve seen you with too many tricks to know better.”
“You’re right. That’s not my style.”
Justin didn’t bother answering. He just kept walking. He couldn’t help but wonder, though, whether Brian was still following him.
He was outside now; standing alone, trying to get used to the quiet. He could hear his heart pounding. Why does he let Brian get to him?
“I knew you’d react this way.” Brian was behind him now. “I bet you’re on your way to the fiddle boy.”
“Oh, you know me so well.” He said sarcastically. He’s had enough of this conversation; and of Brian. He started walking again. But Brian kept following him.
“Why are you so angry with me for? I was just giving you what you wanted.”
Justin was furious. “WHAT I WANTED? Is that what you tell yourself every time you’re fucking a trick?”
“No, just that last one.”
Justin stopped walking and turned to Brian. “What????”
“You needed a reason to leave. I was just giving you one.”
Justin didn’t say anything.
“What? No thank you?”
“Shut up!” Justin was still angry. He didn’t know what to think anymore. “And I would have left regardless.”
“I know.” Brian almost whispered the words.
“You do?”
“Yes. I guess I wanted to know when.”
“Ah, that control thing.”
“That control thing.” Brian admitted.” But also...”
“What?”
“For me.”
“What does that mean?”
“Never mind, forget it. Just go.”
“I hope you know I’d rather stay here with you.” Justin thought he’d try one last time. Brian didn’t answer.
“Just like I thought.” he turned away from Brian.
“That’s very mature. You don’t hear what you want so you leave.”
Justin turned back, standing a few steps away from Brian.
“What would you like me to do, Brian? Tell me.”
“Well, I...”
“WHAT??? Would you just say it? I mean, try standing up for yourself, for a change. Have some balls.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“That you want me to stay; that you’d miss me if I went away.”
“I thought you knew that.”
“No, I didn’t know. I don’t know.”
“I want you to stay. But like I said, it’s your call”
“Mine, ha?” Justin looked disappointed.
“I want you to stay.” Brian started walking towards him. “I – want - you - to – stay.”
He intertwined his hand with Justin’s and was just looking at him without saying anything, looking for signs that would tell him that Justin’s staying. But he couldn’t find any. Justin wasn’t sure yet. And why would he be with everything that he’s put him through. How can he make up for it?
“Justin, I’m sorry. I …”
“I need more, Brian. I need more from you, you know?
“I know.”
There was along pause.
Brian was trying to come up with the right words to explain to Justin his feelings for him
Without exposing too much of his heart.
Justin was just waiting for Brian next words. He waited, but Brian didn’t say anything. Justin thought he’d try one last question. A question that the old Brian would never answer seriously.
“Brian, how did you feel when you heard about Ethan?”
“How did I feel? Offended, that you chose that jerk after you had me.” Brian smiled.
Justin didn’t like that answer. He didn’t feel there was any progress. The look on his face revealed that he was about to give up and walk away.
Brian saw that and let out:
“And jealous.” Justin looked at him, surprised.
“Is that what you wanted to hear?”
Justin didn’t say anything. He was anxious to hear what Brian’ll say next.
“Like I was when I saw you in bed with Michael. Like I was when I saw you fucking that guy after the “King of Babylon” contest.”
You saw us??? Justin was stunned.
“Yep.”
“But why didn’t you…?”
“…Say anything? Why don’t I say anything now? Because I’m an idiot. A closed up idiot.”
“What do you want to say?”
Brian sighed. He was uncomfortable. He wasn’t cut out for this. he looked down, at his wrist. His famous “fuck bracelet” was there, as always. He touched it, and then looked up at Justin. He hesitated for a second and, then, took the bracelet off.
“Brian, wh..?”
Brian handed the braceket to Justin.
“It doesn’t mean what you thinkit means.” Brian smiled.
“What does it mean, then?”
“That I’m trying to change.”
He looked at Justin.
He was sure now. He was staying.