What if Justin told Brian about Ethan in the shower?
(eppy 219)
Brian watched Justin as he climbed up the stairs on his way to the shower.
He knew Justin wasn’t telling him the truth. It wasn’t the first time he had been late, avoiding him, making excuses. He was waiting for it all to pass and for things to go back to the way they were but in a way, he knew, in his heart, that this could be the beginning of the end.
He followed Justin to the shower.
“Brian. You scared me”
“Relax. It’s not that kind of shower scene.” He said casually. But there was nothing casual about his tone of voice or his demeanor. You could feel the tension rising. Justin didn’t say anything. Brian didn’t either. Both Brian and Justin had a lot on their minds. Both couldn’t translate their thoughts into words.
Justin wanted so much to tell Brian about Ethan and that he was so sorry and that he loved Brian now more than ever but he couldn’t get the words out. He didn’t want to see Brian’s disappointed and hurt face or worse, his indifference.
Brian wanted Justin to tell him what was going on, even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to fix it without being truthful about his feelings, but it was so hard for him even to ask Justin a simple “what’s the matter?” because deep down he knew the answer and he did not at all want to hear it.
Justin looked into Brian’s big and beautiful eyes and was overwhelmed with emotion. “Brian?” he finally succeeded in saying. Brian looked at him, pretending to be nonchalant. Pretending was easy enough for him. He’s used to it. He’s been pretending most of his life.
“I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“For...being late tonight.”
Brian didn’t say anything. He knew that there was more to come. Justin contemplated leaving it at that. It was just too hard.
“Brian.” He said again, leaning over to kiss him.
Brian pulled back. He knew he would probably regret it but he couldn’t let this go now.
“What?”
Justin sighed, looking down.
“I...I broke our rules.” There was no going back now.
“The rules?”
Justin suddenly felt uncomfortable standing there naked in the shower. He felt Brian could see right through him. He got out of the shower, covered himself up with a towel, all that time thinking about what he was going to say next. He leaned against the sink.
“Remember the recital Mel and Linds took me to on my birthday? The CD I have?” Brian was leaning against the shower door. His worst fear was coming to life. Justin was going to dump him. And for a younger guy.
“You fucked the fiddle boy?”
“Yes.”
“More than once?”
Justin nodded.
“Did you kiss him?”
Justin nodded again.” I’m so sorry, Brian.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Brian grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. “I just don’t get one thing. Weren’t you the one who initiated the rules?”
“I know.” Brian started walking towards the kitchen. Justin followed him. ”Brian, I know. But it’s not like I wanted them.”
“What does that suppose to mean?”
Justin didn’t know how to go about explaining what he thought was lacking in their relationship. God, he couldn’t even get Brian to admit that they were in a relationship.
“Well?”
“I don’t know. I guess, I thought that if you didn’t kiss some guy because we agreed not to that that would prove to me that you care and that we were in a relationship.”
Relationship. He knew what Justin was getting at. What was he supposed to say? ‘Justin, do you want to go steady?’ God, just the thought of that made him want to throw up.
Why did they even have to say these words - Commitment, boyfriends? Doesn’t he know that they are?
He sighed. “Justin, you’re living with me. We’re together all the time.”
“Together... yea...” he mumbled.
“I mean, what else do you want?” Brian grabbed a beer from the fridge.
He gulped down half of it.
“Just forget it.” What would be the point in explaining?
He would never get it. He would never change.
“Forget it? Are you going to keep seeing him?”
“NO!” Justin exclaimed, almost instinctively. But did he really mean it? He started walking back to the bedroom. Brian was still in the kitchen. “Liar.” He whispered. Justin heard him and turned back. “You know what? Maybe I will. Since when do you care?” Brian just looked at him.
“Maybe I should fuck him here so you can enjoy it...like with that hustler you got me.” Justin was trying to get a reaction out of him; a look, a word, something, anything.
The hustler, the flowers, the picnic; Brian knew that he’d been an asshole but he didn’t know how to fix it. He could feel Justin slipping away from him.
He knew that that would happen eventually. He thought he was prepared.
But he wasn’t. What was he going to do? What was he going to say?
“Maybe I should just be with him. He respects me. He wants to be with me. Only me. He always lets me know how he feels about me and it’s always just the two of us. I think he knows more about me than you do!”
Brian didn’t say anything. He walked over to Justin, looked into his blue eyes and gently caressed his cheek.
“I know you better than anyone.” He said softly. He leaned in and kissed him. Justin pulled back but Brian insisted. He kissed him again and again without stopping; his kisses saying what his mouth couldn’t. Justin let out a quiet moan. Still kissing him, Brian moved his hand across Justin’s chest, touching his towel.
“Brian, don’t.”
“Why not? Don’t you want to?”
Of course he wanted to. But he also wanted something more.
“Justin?” Brian whispered. Justin looked up.
“What can I do to make you feel better?”
“Don’t you know?”
“Yea, I guess I do. It’s just that I’m not sure I can.”
“Do you want to, though?”
“Look, Justin...” He started to squirm.
“Do you? Yes or no?” Brian wasn’t answering.
“You can’t even answer a simple question. What do you think would happen if you say what you feel for a change? No one else is here. It’s just you and me.
I hope you don’t think I tell everyone what’s going on between us.”
“No, I know you don’t. And I want to. I want you here with me.”
Justin couldn’t believe his ears. Finally!
“I want that too.”
”But you have got to be patient with me.” Justin nodded.
“And no more violin lessons.” Justin smiled. “I promise.”
His hands were caressing Brian’s back. Brian was smiling too.
“So, where should we start?”