The morning after the “silent scene”
(220)
Justin felt the sunlight in his eyes and looked around.
He was in the loft in Brian’s bed. He could feel Brian behind him, his arms around
him, his hair tickling his back. He took a deep breath. His first instinct was to
leave. He didn’t want to face Brian just yet. He moved gently, trying to get up
without waking Brian but he was already awake. He moved his hands away from Justin
and stretched out on the bed. Brian didn’t say anything. He knew Justin was leaving
him but was still hoping to hear Justin say that he wants to stay. He would take him
back in a second. He wouldn’t make him sweat, he wouldn’t play games, he would just
kiss him and hold him until he leaves again.
Justin didn’t move for a few seconds, then got up and sat on the bed, his back to
Brian. He could feel Brian’s stare and for a while that was all he could think about.
He closed his eyes and let that feeling take over.
Brian saw that Justin wasn’t moving. He thought about caressing his back to get him
to turn around but Justin was already looking at him.
“Brian” he whispered, wanting to break the silence
but not really knowing what to say.
“It’s ok.” Brian said, softly, trying to reassure him.
“No, it’s not. Brian, I’m so...”
“It’s ok.” Brian emphasized every word.
Justin nodded and smiled. He looked down and then again at Brian.
“What?” Brian asked.
“I don’t know. I can’t seem to make myself leave.”
Now it was Brian’s turn to smile.
“And why’s that, do you think?”
“This just feels so familiar; so...right.”
Justin didn’t say anymore. He felt this sadness creeping over him. Why did he let
things get this far? Brian noticed the change in Justin’s face.
He pulled himself up, leaning on his hand.
“Does he make you happy?”
“Yea, I guess. It’s just that...”
“What?”
“Well, when I’m with him, I’m always thinking of you and when I’m with you I keep
thinking about the things that I need and never get from you.”
Brian was now deep in thought. All was not lost. There was still a chance that Justin
would stay. And the best or worst thing was that it was all up to him. His mind was
scheming ways to make Justin stay but his mouth couldn’t let out a single word.
He just laid there trying to stop his hands from pulling Justin back to bed.
Justin was waiting for Brian to say something. He looked at him as if he was trying
to read his mind. Brian returned the look.
“I’m not what’s his name. I’m me.” He finally said.
Justin just nodded. He waited a few more seconds to see if Brian would say something
else. Finally, he got up and started walking towards the door. After a few steps he
stopped and turned around. He stood there, looking at Brian. He just couldn’t leave.
He couldn’t. Somehow, he felt that this is exactly where he’s supposed to be. He
walked back to the bedroom, climbed the first step and waited. Brian was still
looking at him. He got up and walked over to where Justin was standing. He put his
arms around Justin’s waist, pulled him closer and gave him a long passionate kiss.
Justin knew he had made the right choice.