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B: Shit! It�s that time of the month again.
J: When your little friend comes to visit?
B: When every gay charity on the fucking planet tries to hit me up for a table at their benefit
or an ad in their booklet or a sperm sample for their silent auction.
Unfortunately, it�s also that time of the month for my credit card bills.
J: I�ve never seen so many zeroes.
B: Except for a mixer at the Gay and Lesbian Center.
J: How are you gonna pay for them all?
B: How many blowjobs can you give in an hour?
J: Not enough. Not nearly enough.
B: I guess I�ll have to come up with the cash some other way.
J: Look, we sold almost 3,000 copies of Rage last month on the net last month alone.
I could give you some�
B: No.
J: Why not?
B: I�m not taking your money.
J: I thought we were partners.
B: We are.
J: Then why won�t you let me give you the money?
B: Cause I don�t need your help. I don�t need anyone�s help. What I need is �
B: Chivas Regal.
J: You may be a pauper, but you drink like a prince. Make it two. On me.
B: Keep it.
J: You won�t even let me buy you a drink?
B: I can still afford to tie one on without any assistance from you.
J: Brian, I don�t know what the fuck your problem is. You help everyone.
Liberty Avenue would be a police state if it wasn�t for you.
And now, when you need help�Hey Todd, how�s it going?
(Todd: Fine. )
J: Where was I?
B: Umm�when... when I need help?
J: Right. You won�t take it. You wanna know why that is?
B: Pourquoi?
J: Because you always have to be the one in charge. The one who�s in control, the one who�s on top.
B: Mmm-hmm. You got it.
J: By the time you�re done decimating his client list, Vance will be asking you for a job.
B: We�ll see.
J: Stop being modest.
B: I was aiming for smug.
J: How do you like the name I picked out for your new agency?
B: Kin-netic.
J: With two n�s.
B: That�s clever.
J: It�s genius!
J: Mom
Jen: Hi honey
B: Hi honey
(Jen: I mean special as in it�s for a certain kind of person,
a person who has no children, who�s single, a person who... let�s face it, Brian, it�s a fuckpad.)
J: Mom, what are you doing here?
B: So how much do you think I can get for it?
J: Get for what?
B: I�m selling the loft.
J: What??
B: It was either cut my expenses or cut my wrists, so I just opted for the tidier of the Two. J: You�re not selling your loft! It�s your home.
B: Not for long.
J: I thought you were starting your own agency, that your clients were gonna go with you.
B: Yeah, well, they turned me down. The best laid plans of mice and ad men.
J: There has to be a better way. A loan.
B: $100,000 in debt and unemployed? I�m not exactly a very good risk.
J: Get a job at another agency.
B: Yeah. I do have an offer. It�s in Scranton. It�s at half my salary.
J: Christ. You never should have listened to me.
B: I didn�t. I listened to me. Besides, it�s just four walls and a floor.
And top of the line appliances and stainless steel countertops and imported Italian fixtures and�
J: It�s more than that. It�s where we made love for the first time.
B: That wasn�t love. I just gave you a rim job and fucked your brains out.
J: It was love to me.
J: My mom told me there�s someone who�s interested in buying the loft.
B: A couple of designer fairies who can�t wait to turn it into a Moroccan bordello.
J: Hey, let�s grab a drink.
B: Nope. better read the fine print. Another fucking benefit. Wonder what the worthy cause is this time? Send a tranny to summer camp?
J: Come on.
J: Now you and half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in your bed tonight, knowing the loft is still yours.
B: Half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in their own bed.
402
J: I can�t believe you just did that.
B: Flipped you on your back?
J: Flipped off that headhunter.
B: I can do better.
J: Doing what?
B: Working for myself instead of other people.
J: But all your clients turned you down.
B: Fuck'em. I�ll get others.
J : What if you can�t? You�ll be destitute. You�ll have nothing.
B: Since when did you turn into a Jewish mother? Or Michael?
J: You�re just taking an awfully big risk, that�s all.
B: Well, what�s one more? Besides, if I don�t do this now, I never will.
C: Recognize this?
B: Yes. Remsen Pharmaceutical account. My last campaign.
J: Before the old warrior was unceremoniously escorted from the building, without so much as a ballpoint pen. So what does this magic pill do?
B: Well, it�s guaranteed to turn you into a hottie. You can climb the Matterhorn. It also reduces your viral load. What are you showing it to me for?
C: Vance is taking your idea and pitching it to Remsen tomorrow.
B: Well, he should. He owns it.
J: But you thought it up.
B: Basic rule of advertising and eternal damnation: once you sell your soul to the Devil, he holds the copyright.
J: So come up with another idea.
C: Then you can steal the account from Vance and your former assistant along with it.
B: Well that�s an ingenious plan, Cynthia. But what pharmaceutical company is going to trust their wonder weapon to a one-man band working out of his house?
J: It�s not the size that matters...
B: Have I taught you nothing?
J: �It�s the vision. If you can win this account, then you�ll be back on top.
B: For once, I�ll stick to the bottom.
B: Since when did our heroes become the merry butchers of gayopolys?
J: Someone has to do it, since fags are too cowardly to stand up for themselves. Fuck!
B: Somebody�s pissed off.
J: Well, you would be too if you�d got your head bashed in.
B: I know, I was there. I thought you�d put that behind you and moved on.
J: I don�t wanna talk about it. Darren refused to identify his attackers. They�re gonna get off. When I told him to be brave, stand up for himself, he said to me, what did you do? I was a coward. I should have done something and I didn�t.
B: Well, you wanna get even? I�ll tell you how to get even: Become the biggest fucking success you can possibly be.
J: I already know.
B: Well if you know, take that anger and put it into your work. Use it. Have more money, more power, more sex than any poor hetero schmuck because, trust me, nothing pisses off a straight guy more than a successful fag.
J: You know Guernica? People say it�s the most powerful anti-war statement ever made. I say bullshit. It hangs in a fucking museum, collecting dust. And this is all bullshit. It doesn�t do a motherfucking thing.
403
J: Hey.
Je: Christ! What did you do to your hair?
J: It�s called a haircut, Mother.
Je: I�m just surprised, that�s all. It used to be so beautiful.
J: Yeah, well, maybe that was the problem. Anyway, we all got them.
Je: Who�s �we�?
J: The Pink Posse. We�re protecting Liberty Avenue from homophobes. In case you weren�t aware, there was a bashing.
Je: I�m perfectly aware. I�m also aware that you were bashed.
J: All the more reason.
Je: To put yourself at risk? Haven�t you been through enough?
J: Don�t fucking tell me what to do!
B: Take it easy, Timberlake.
Je: Brian, will you please talk some sense into him?
B: Now, now mother taylor. Justin's a big boy. He should be allowed to make his own mistakes... Your hair cut's hot.
B: Is that what the well-dressed vigilante will be wearing this season?
J: Cody says it�s important that we be recognized.
B: Well, you�ll be recognizable all right. So what weapon are you packing? A Howitzer or a Bazooka?
J: Pepper spray.
B: Armed and ready for action. This Cody's thought of everything.
J: I remember when my mother used to refer to you as 'this Brian'.
B: Your mom's no fool. She knew her little angel was getting himself into a pack of trouble. She's not wrong this time.You should really go back to school.
J: Fuck school. They kicked me out for doing what was right. I don�t need them or their diploma. They can eat shit.
B: Still angry?
J: I�m not angry, I�m committed.
B: What, to saving the world?
J: You saved the world from an evil politician.
B: I didn�t do it for the world. Stockwell closed down the backroom and forced us to fuck like boring breeders, so don�t start mistaking me for Eleanor Roosevelt. I did what I had to do, for me.
J: And I�m doing what I have to do, for me.
B: Save any lives last night?
J: Oh, we helped some fucked up club kids get back to their apartment� old queen change a flat. Other than that, it was pretty quiet.
B: Well, that�s the thing about being a superhero. The average person thinks it�s about stopping two planets from colliding or saving the universe from being swallowed by a black hole, but most days it�s just your average, run-of-the-mill, good deeds.
B: This is where I get off.
J: It's a little early in the day, isn't it??
B: (mouths) No.
B: Oh, you�re just in time. I was about to go out to Babylon.
J: These fucking straight assholes. We turned them into pussies.You should�ve seen us there.
B: Coming to Babylon?
J: Got other plans.
B: Friday night in this nowhere Burgh, that would either be counting your socks or going to synagogue.
J: I've got patrol duty.
B: As long as you're working the streets you should try and making a few bucks� Where'd you get that?
J: Oh. One of these jerkoffs from the other day pushed me. It�s nothing.
B: This time.
J: I can fucking take care of myself.
B: How about taking the night off? Even Rage and God get a day of rest.
J: I told you, I have things to do.
B: Like going out looking for trouble.
J: I�m not looking for anything. It comes looking for us. Motherfuckin� assholes straight guys think they can drive down the street, yell faggot out of their car window and we�re just gonna stand there and take it like a bunch of scared sissies. As far as I�m concerned, they can fucking die.
B: Glad to hear you�re not angry.
J: We�re protecting innocent people. Standing up for ourselves.What�s wrong with that?
404
J: The last time I was here it was no towels night.
B: A hundred guys must have touched my stiffy.
J: Mr. Popular. And I'm the only one you fucked.
B: Lucky you.
J: Leave it to you to turn a bathhouse into the worldwide headquarters of Kinnetik Inc.
J: The old steamroom. It's the first place we ever fucked in public.
B: There's nothing like performing in front of a live audience.
J: Who said some of those guys were alive?
J: I love it when you get bossy.
B: Well what do you say we christen my new office. I have 15 minutes before I have to approve ad copy.
J: Always the romantic. But I have a strategy meeting with the posse.
J: Tonight, it's your turn.
B: That's what you think.
J: I'll tell you what, we'll fight for it. Come on.
B: Why don't you just get your ass back into bed
J: Why don't you get yours out. What's the matter, are you scared?
B: Yeah, I'm incapacitated with fear.
J: Then what are you waiting for?
B: Where'd you learn to fight?
J: Cody taught me.
B: Yea?
J: A-ha. The other night I even took out a straight guy.
B: I've dated a couple of those myself.
J: Ha, ha�
B: Hey, watch the face, asshole.
J: Come on, old man.
B: What'd you call me?
J: You heard me, geezer.
B: Be careful, Sonny. You might get hurt.
J: I don't care if I get hurt as long as I hurt them more.
B: They're not all assholes.
J: That's a laugh coming from you. You're the biggest fucking heterophobe of all time.You always said there's only two kinds of straight people in the world. The ones that hate you to your face and the kind that hate you behind your back. And you know what?
B: What?
J: You were right.
405
J: What are you doing?
B: Lookey what I found. Sunshine's new play toy.
J: You had no business going through my things.
B: Looking for a light.
J: That's bullshit. You were snooping. Now give it back. Careful.
B: Why? Is it loaded?
J: No. It's only meant to scare people.
B: For someone who's never seen a Western on principal, you have an awfully keen interest in firearms. Where'd you get it?
J: Cody gave it to me.
B: How thoughtful. What's next? Small nuclear device?
J: It's necessary that we have them. After what happened the other night we could have been killed.
B: Play with this long enough and you will be.
J: Why don't you just hand it over?
B: You're not running around the streets with a concealed weapon!
J: I told you...
B: � It's necessary! So that you and Cody can be the gay avengers, heroes of the resistance, martyrs to the cause.
J: We're trying to stop violence before it happens.
B: By starting it?
J: You wouldn't think it was so funny if you were the one who'd been bashed.
B: Nobody said it's funny.
J: They hate us! They want us dead! Now give me the goddman gun.
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