409 Gap-Filler (End of episode)
Brian needs him. He's sick. Now is not the time to tell him what he's feeling, what he will keep on feeling if his attitude doesn't change. Towards him, that is. 'Cause God knows he hasn't been acting like that with Michael. Michael. How could he have told Brian they knew?
Why is he blaming Michael? Brian's the one he's mad at. How could he have kicked him out like that? Like what they had didn't matter? And why was he here, in the loft? Why? He should be at home waiting for Brian to come to him. To apologize to him.
But then again, he's used to this. it's been his role in the relationship since day one. He came to see Brian after the bashing. He asked Brian to take him back. And here he is again. He's so used to this, he didn't stop to think that maybe something wasn't right with their little unspoken arrangement. In fact, Something was very wrong.
Brian hands him the bowl and he takes it and walks over to the kitchen. He puts the dish in the sink and takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to go back in there. He doesn't know what to do. He can't leave. Brian needs him. And he needs Brian. That's why he's here. That's why he wants to leave. He can't let his feelings for Brian make him act like this; Do things he normally wouldn't do.
He makes up his mind. He is going to wait until Brian falls asleep and then leave.
He feels better knowing what his next move is going to be. He walks over to the bedroom and sees Brian spread out on the bed, his eyes are fixed on the ceiling. He isn't moving. It doesn't look like he can. Justin rushes over and sits next to him, taking his hand into his. He can feel Brian squeezing his hand hard. He puts his other hand over Brian's and can hear him let out a quiet moan.
"Shh... it's OK." Justin whispers.
Brian looks at him
"Is it? "
"It will be."
Brian nods.
"Try and get some sleep."
Brian closes his eyes, his hand still squeezing Justin's. A part of him wants to climb up there with Brian and hold him but the other part is angry. He takes his hand away.
"Wha..?" Brian opens his eyes and looks at him.
"Nothing. Go back to sleep."
"I can't sleep."
"No? Do you need anything?"
"What's the hurry? Going somewhere?"
"Not yet."
"When, then?" He says after a long pause.
"You anxious to get rid of me?"
"I didn't say that."
"For a change."
Brian smiles with his mouth closed.
"That�s not funny, Brian."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Well, you should be."
"I am."
"OK."
"OK." He takes Justin's hand again and closes his eyes.
"Is Michael coming?"
"I guess." Brian responds, his eyes are still closed.
"You didn't kick him out too?"
"Justin�" He Sighs and reluctantly opens his eyes.
"Didn't you?"
"I told him to go home."
"But did you kick him out?
"No."
"Why not?"
"Justin�"
"Why not?" Justin insists.
"Could we please drop this?" He swallows hard, putting his hand over his chest and motioning for the bathroom. Justin pulls him up and helps him with those few steps. A few minutes later the door opens and an exhausted Brian comes out, his face wet.
He shakes his head
"That's exactly what I didn't want you to see."
"Too late now."
Justin reaches over to him and puts his arm around his waist, helping him back to bed. He sighs and turns to his side, clutching the sheets. Justin walks over to the other side of the bed and stares at him.God help him, he just loves him so much. Why did he shut him out like that? Did he really think he would leave him? Everything was so good between them so why would he think that? He couldn't believe he was there.
"I can't believe I'm here." Justin whispered. More to himself than to Brian.
Brian's hazel eyes were now looking straight at him.
"Yea, me too."
"What am I doing? Do you even want me here?"
Brian nods once.
"Do you want to be here?"
"Of course I do. But not like this."
"Like what?"
"Like what? Are you kidding me?"
Brian pulls himself up, leaning on his hand.
"I just didn't want you to see me like this."
"Like what?" Justin says, half smiling.
Brian gets up and sits on the bed, his eyes always on Justin.
"I was only trying to make it easier."
"Easier on who? Do you really think it's easy for me to be out of your life? Don't you know how I feel about you, Brian? I love you."
Brian keeps looking at him.
"We all love you and we want to help you."
"I know. I just don't like being treated like an invalid or a victim or like I'm going to die. I'm used to doing things by myself. I've been doing that since forever."
Justin sits on the bed next to him.
"You don't have to anymore. You have me now."
Brian smiles at him.
"You don't understand."
"What?"
"I'm supposed to to be taking care of you."
"You do, Brian. all the time. But I'm your par�" Justin stops himself. He isn't entirely sure what he is to Brian anymore.
Brian smiles at him and caresses his blonde hair.
"I know you are."
"So you should let me help you."
Brian moves his hands down to justin's neck and nods. Justin smiles and leans in to kiss him. Brian returns the kiss and whispers:
"I'm sorry, Justin."