I'm no outer space sceptic, the type who religiously stares through the telescope of Mulder and Scully, but I am going to have to concede that one night, I almost believed. You see, I was on my way home from a friend's house, when I started to feel the footpath tremble. Now I tried to play it off, convincing myself that my Nike air sole must be faulty, but as I kept walking the seismic quakes became more violent. Suddenly, I was blinded by a burning magnesium-like brightness. I stood in shock, as I battled the glare to make out the outline of a briskly approaching specie, moving with awkward mannerisms. As it neared I realised it was not one specie, but a gaggle of creatures, all in transit, not walking nor running.
Again, I was momentarily blinded, as the unidentified travellers moved below the illumination of a streetlight. When my vision came too, I was able to determine that what at one stage had me frozen in fear, was to my relief, simply a pack of power walkers.
I don't hate these fellow pedestrians, however, I don't understand them. They have me intrigued and curious as to why they parade themselves through the streets in tight, fluorescent lycra body suits which accentuate their post birth deliverance physiques, which agitate my 'poking fun' finger, and make them prime targets for humiliation. Anyway, as I alluded to in the opening paragraph, I believe they're from outer space, and I have evidence to back it all up.
They all live on this craft called the 'Mothership'. Their reasoning for wearing lycra has nothing to do with the walking, but rather it is a new age galactic space suit, and by sporting wrist and ankle weights, they are not intending to get a more demanding workout, but simply eliminate gravity.
They try and deceive you into thinking they are really exercising, sometimes you will catch one proceeding down the pavement, when cautiously, it surveys the area to appear embarrassed, and then lets loose a combination of short jabs with all the determination of Rocky, however, its all a fraud. They sport only reflectively bright fluorescent suits, coupled with a pair of 1980's style Reebok Aerobics shoes. Why these shoes you may ask? It's because the 'Mothership' was built on Planet Reebok. You remember the advertisements. It wasn't mere advertising puffery. Planet Reebok exists and it is inundated with old stock.
These power walkers, get beamed down from the mothership twice daily, primarily before the sun rises and then again when the sun sets. They only come out when you're either still in bed or when you're going to bed, so to relieve suspicion. Everything they wear is from the eighties, they'll always be street bopping with foam-padded head phones attached to that am/fm brick walkman (which also assists with the weighing down) tuned into Gold 104, for that golden voiced eighties hit.
This may all sound far fetched, and I too, would have agreed prior to my 'bump in' with these arm swinging folk, that my ridiculous theory is simply a drug induced hallucination. However, next time one of these dramatics passes by, uppercutting itself in the chin with wildly exaggerated arm movements, just allow yourself to think outside the circle, and be willing to accept the fact that Luke Skywalker used the force to put the power in walker.
Written by Kwil