Title: Just a Plain Notebook
Author: K Marie
Email: marie.jlr at gmail dot com
Rating: R for language
Summary: Ten years after the Second War, Harry returns to Grimwald Place.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to JK Rowling, and Warner Bros. I am neither of those. All songs and lyrics belong to Goo Goo Dolls. I�m not them either.
Archive: My site, otherwise, just ask I�ll say yes.
A/N: This is for paraniodkitten . I promised her angsty Sirius/Remus fic.
Spoilers: Major for OotP. Lots of Speculation.


Just a Plain Notebook

The man once known as Harry Potter surveyed the house. He hadn�t been here in many years. It seemed almost like sacrilege to touch anything. But Remus had left it to him. Sirius had left it to Remus, all those years ago. Fifteen was it? He was starting to lose track. They had won the war, that was the important thing. Ten years ago, he had left this house to fight the last big battle. The causalities were great. Dumbledore lead his army, but he did not return. Ron fought with everything he had up to the last minute. Hermione managed to survive, as did Ginny and Neville. Tonks, Moody, Kingsley all gone. Remus did survive, but with a wound that finally took his life.

Harry cast aside the memories as he made his way into what had obviously been Remus�s bedroom. Sitting on the bed, he noticed a small notebook on the bed side table. Nothing on the outside, just a plain notebook, like one bought a muggle supply store. He opened it, carefully. The writing was faint, the script easy enough to read, and obviously Remus�s.

Name�even though the moment passed me by I still can�t turn away. I still see you getting hit, seeing you fall back into that veil. Hearing Harry screaming, wanting to scream as well; knowing that it wouldn�t do any good. Scars are souvenirs you never lose. Only sometimes they aren�t visible to the world. So I hold these scars, knowing that they are the only things I have left of you. Scars, and Harry. He�s the closet thing you�ve had to family in a long time, and now he�s the closet I have to family. You were my family, and we were happy. I think about you all the time, because even though I know I can�t bring you back, I can still hope that one day you�ll just show up.

Harry knew he shouldn�t keep reading, but he wanted to know what else Remus had to say. He read on, skimming mostly, only stopping to read a complete entry every once and a while. There were no dates, only what looked like titles.

All eyes on me�Hermione wants Ron and Harry to go to Ireland with her family. I know what she wants to do. She wants to get Harry�s mind off of you. She�s a smart kid. But Harry won�t go. It�s all so far from you he says. I know he doesn�t mean me. He means you Sirius. He�s been coming by whenever he can. We talk a lot. Not always about you or James and Lily. We talk about his classes. Very mundane stuff. Just to keep our minds off you. He needs to get away. I might have to go with them, just to get Harry to go.

Sympathy�this is my apology. I�m sorry that I didn�t save you. Not just for you, but for Harry, for me. Everything�s all wrong. I have to find a way to figure these things out. The dreams I wanted slipped away. And there�s no getting them back, because they all revolved around you.

Truth is a whisper�I find it hard to sleep. I guess that�s natural. But your not there in the bed with me. I was use to that. I wonder did you ever find some peace before you left? You taught me to believe in something. And now you�re gone. Do I still have to believe?

Harry paused. He had never thought about what type of relationship Sirius and Remus actually had. It wasn�t important, and really not shocking, just pause worthy. He continued.

Black balloon�and now there�s a hole in my life. I don�t think about tomorrow any more. There is no tomorrow. And why should there be? You�re not here. Everything good in my life revolved around you, and now it all falls without you. But I go on. For Harry at least. I�ll become what you became to him. A brother, and a father. I�ll try.

Nothing�s changing anyway�I hear your voice sometimes. But its small and fading, like you�re running from the room before I have a chance to catch up. Nothing in this house changes. Kretcher�s gone; I guess that is one change. Phineas goes around moaning. You�ll be happy to know that we finally got that damn picture of your mother down, along with the tapestry. Then we burned them.

What do you need?�Harry and I had a fight. Over nothing really. Maybe now that we�re alone will find some peace. Why does it seem so wrong? Because your not here? The truth is complicated now. Not that it wasn�t before, but now it�s worse.

It�s over�I can�t find the answers when you�re gone. Harry keeps asking questions that I should know the answers to, but its just not there. Questions about James and Lily and you and me and even Peter. Just to know what we were like, and I can�t fucking remember.

Iris�I just don�t wanna miss you tonight. It�s too hard. God, could it be a year already? No, that�s impossible. I can� t fight the tears that aren�t coming, even if I can feel them in my eyes. I think a muggle bar might be a good place to be tonight; you always liked them, found them easy places to hide in. I don�t want the world to see me, they wouldn�t understand. I need this.

Bulletproof�nothing hurts when no one�s real. But you were so very real. You touched my heart, my soul. I should have listened all those times you called my name, should have aid more attention. Regrets are like falling backwards into no ones arms. It�s too damn late to do anything about it. You hit the floor. Did you burn out in the end? I wonder, just because I know you should have been able to avoid being hit. You moved like a cat at times, smooth and graceful, always landing on your feet. But you were the wolf. Predatory, stealth-full, quiet. You�d move around this old house without a single person knowing it. Except for me. The movement of the bed was enough to let me know you were up prowling again.


Harry looked up from his reading. It was almost time for the girls to arrive and he hadn�t done a damn thing. But there was still more to go. They would have to forgive him.

�����

�Do you think he�s enjoying your book Remus?�

�Hardly. I never wrote you when I was in a good mood, Sirius.�

�Yeah, I know.�

�Hermione is going to have a fit when she comes and sees him covered in dust.�

�She�ll get over it. He needs this.�



�����

End.

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