Well, it's partly the shape of the thing
That gives the old limerick wing;
These accordion pleats
Full of airy conceits
Take it up like a kite on a string.
Silent Marcel Marceau at one time
Was a victim of Paris Street crime.
His terror still lingers.
Hoods stamped on his fingers
Leaving footprints on the hands of mime.
Tenure Denied
A professor who flunked his whole class
Was arrested for having the brass,
In this modern milieu,
To adhere to the view:
"If you don't do the work, you don't pass."
WAITER, PLEASE
An epicure, dining at Crewe,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too!"
IDEALISM
There once was a man who said, "God
Must think it exceedingly odd
If he finds that this tree
Continues to be
When there's no one about in the Quad."
A REPLY
Dear Sir, Your astonishment's odd
I am always about in the Quad;
And that's why this tree
Will continue to be,
Since observed by Yours faithfully, GOD.
There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean -
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
The limerick's callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It's not worth the reading
By persons of breeding -
It's designed for us vulgar and rude.
A [novelist | new dramatist] of the Absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard;
I learn from my spies
He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
REQUIEM
There was a young woman of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez*
When comment arose
On the state of her clothes,
She drawled, When Ah itchez, Ah scratchez!
Ogden Nash
DETERMINISM
There was a young man who said, 'Damn!"
It appears to me now that I am
Just a being that moves
In predestinate grooves,
Not a taxi or bus, but a tram.
The limerick is furitive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
NOT LIMERICKS:
This is (reportedly) a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power cut."
"A power... A power cut? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
The man thinks and finally says that he has always wanted to see Hawaii, but since he is afraid to fly...could the Genie build a bridge to Hawaii so he can drive there?
The Genie tells the man because of the instability of the Pacific ocean floor, the sheer amount of concrete and the labor needed this would be impossible. He will have to think of something else.
The man thinks and then says that he has been divorced 4 times and that he really wishes he could understand women...what they are thinking when they are silent...what they need when they cry...what they want when they say, "Nothing". The man asks the Genie, "Would it be impossible to make me understand women?"
The Genie looks at him and says, "So, do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
St. Francis: "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."
God: "Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"
St. Francis: "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."
God:"In the spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
St. Francis: "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week."
God: "They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
St. Francis: "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
God: "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
St. Francis: "No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."
God: "Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
"Yes, sir."
God: "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."
St. Francis: "You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
God: "What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."
St. Francis: "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."
God: "No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
St. Francis: "After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."
God: "And where do they get this mulch?"
St. Francis: "They cut down trees and grind them up."
God: "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"
St. Catherine: "'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a silly movie about..."
"Never mind..."
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New York with a surprized look, and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."
One liners:
Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious
No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines
These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.""Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system for hikers, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
* "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please medicate these annoying animals."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
The Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Ruth rode on my motorbike,
Directly back of me.
I hit a bump at 55-
and rode on ruthlessly.
The Mid-Life Change
A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it. God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and mmediately gets hit by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
This young lady always wanted a fancy car, a status symbol to drive around, and be seen in. She scrimps, saves, and finally, goes to the dealer and plunks down several years of her hard earned money, for a brand new, state of the art, computerized, kick-butt, dream mobile. She drives off, can't get the radio to work, dash looks like a NASA panel, she fiddles with that, twists this, pushes that, furious she returns to the dealer. Tells salesman that they forgot to install a damn radio. He assures her it is right there in front of her. "It's hooked into the onboard computer. All you need to do is tell it what you want to hear." He demonstrates, "Classical", and *click*, the car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues" and *click* the car fills with BB king. She drives off amazed. "Country" she says, and *click* a Tex Ritter tune comes on. "Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "new age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She is so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying attention to the road. Suddenly another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "IDIOT'S" she screams. *click* "Good morning, and welcome to the " Rush Limbaugh Show."
What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy diskabort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
Curious about a shiny object, she asks "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blond then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
So she buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her.
Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?"
She replies "It's a thermos."
He asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left."
An hour later the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left."
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day."
"Speak to me. Why do you never speak. Speak.
"What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
"I never know what you are thinking. Think."
T.S.Eliot
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