Memories of My Twin

January 3, 1952 -- January 6, 2005

[1952] RUSSELL JOSEPH BIGGICA ARRIVED IN THE BRONX, NY
ON JANUARY 3, 1952 AT 6:27 AM.
I FOLLOWED APPROXIMATELY 4 MINUTES LATER.

WE GOT ALONG WONDERFULLY AND WE FOUGHT
LIKE CATS AND DOGS.
BUT THERE WASN'T ANYTHING THAT WE WOULDN'T
DO FOR EACH OTHER.
WE HAD A SPECIAL CONNECTION THAT ONLY OTHER
TWINS COULD UNDERSTAND.
WE KNEW ONE ANOTHER INSIDE OUT, UPSIDE DOWN,
BACKWARDS FORWARDS AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.

RUSSELL AND I LIVED TOGETHER FOR ABOUT 30 YEARS - GROWING UP,
THEN WITH MOM AFTER DADDY DIED, THEN JUST THE TWO OF US,
SHARING AN APARTMENT FOR A FEW YEARS.

AS WE GOT OLDER I BECAME THE ONE TO ALWAYS CHECK ON HIM
AND TO ALWAYS BE THERE WHEN THINGS WEREN'T JUST RIGHT.
IN 1979 OUR MOM PASSED AWAY.
THAT WAS WHEN I REALLY BECAME HIS MOTHER HEN.
HE LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. WHEN HE HAD TROUBLES
I WOULD COMFORT HIM. WHEN HE CRIED, I CRIED WITH HIM.
WHEN HE WAS HAPPY I WAS TOO. WHEN HE DIDN'T HAVE THE ANSWERS
I WOULD TRY TO FIND THEM FOR HIM.
WE USED TO LAUGH BECAUSE THE FAMILY HAS ALWAYS LOOKED
AT US AS THE BABIES OF THE FAMILY, THE KIDS.

WE MOVED ON WITH OUR LIVES. EACH OF US MARRIED.
I MOVED TO FLORIDA.
WE WERE IN AND OUT OF TOUCH FOR A WHILE,
BUT ALWAYS CONNECTED.
MONTHS COULD PASS THEN ONE OF US COULD CALL THE OTHER
AND IT WOULD BE LIKE WE HAD JUST SPOKEN THE DAY BEFORE.

[russ]

IN THE SPRING OF 2002, I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM RUSSELL.
THE CONVERSATION WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

"HEY, HI ANN
(HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD GET AWAY WITH CALLING ME ANN,
MY REAL NAME IS ANGELA)
I'M IN THE HOSPITAL.
THEY THINK I HAVE CANCER AND THEY WANT TO OPERATE.
DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE OK."

STAGE 4 COLON CANCER > 3 ½ YEARS OF SURGERY > CHEMO >
REMISSION > RELAPSE > MORE SURGERY > DIFFERENT CHEMO >
HOSPICE > METHADONE AS NEEDED FOR PAIN.

RUSSELL FOUGHT LONG AND HARD…HE WOULD ALWAYS SAY
"I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE YET," AND "WHEN THIS IS OVER WITH I'M …"
(TALK ABOUT FUTURE PLANS).

THE LAST TIME WE SPOKE WAS ON JANUARY 3, 2005.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN NY BUT BECAUSE OF LAST MINUTE
CHANGES IN PLANS, I STAYED IN FLORIDA.
I WANTED TO MAKE IT A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY, SO I ORDERED A
"TRADITIONAL ITALIAN BIRTHDAY CAKE" FROM FERRARA'S IN LITTLE ITALY,
AND HAD IT DELIVERED TO THE HOSPICE.

HE SAID THAT IT REMINDED HIM OF THE BIRTHDAY CAKES
WE USED TO HAVE AS KIDS, AND IT WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY
HE'D HAD SINCE WE WERE YOUNG. WE TALKED FOR A WHILE,
SAID OUR "LOVE YOU'S - TALK TO YOU TOMORROW" AND HUNG UP.
THAT WAS MONDAY.

TUESDAY WAS MOM'S BIRTHDAY. I WAS AN EMOTIONAL WRECK
AND COULD NOT BRING MYSELF TO CALL.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT I CALLED THE HOSPICE SEVERAL TIMES.
NO ANSWER. I CALLED MY SISTER IN LAW.
RUSSELL HAD BEEN UP AND AROUND ALL DAY AND WAS VERY TIRED -
LET HIM SLEEP. I LATER FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD BEEN
HALLUCINATING FROM ALL THE PAIN MEDS AND WAS CALLING MY NAME,
SAYING "ANGELA, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE"

AT WORK ON THURSDAY, EACH TIME I PICKED UP MY CELL TO CALL,
I WAS INTERRUPTED BY SOMEONE OR SOMETHING. THANK GOD.

WHEN I GOT HOME THE PHONE WAS RINGING. "HE'S GONE".

I FELT LIKE SOMETHING HAD CUT MY HEART IN HALF.
I COULD NEVER SAY GOOD-BYE; NEVER SAY I LOVE YOU AGAIN.
NEVER HEAR HIS VOICE ON THE PHONE SAYING "HI ANN, AND I LOVE U."
NEVER BEING ABLE TO GET HIM A SPECIAL TWIN BIRTHDAY CARD.
NEVER BEING ABLE TO CALL HIM TO JUST SAY I LOVE YOU.
NOT BEING ABLE TO HOLD ONTO HIS HAND ONE LAST TIME.

CANCER KILLED MY TWIN ON JANUARY 6, 2005 -
JUST 3 DAYS AFTER OUR 53RD BIRTHDAY.
SO MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING.
SO MANY TIMES I WISHED I COULD HAVE CHANGED PLACES
WITH HIM OR DO SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM BETTER, BUT I COULDN'T.
SOMETIMES I STILL FEEL AS THOUGH THIS IS ALL A DREAM,
AND HE WILL CALL ME SOON.

IT HAS BEEN A YEAR AND A HALF SINCE RUSSELL DIED AND I HAVE CHANGED
CONSIDERABLY SINCE THEN - BOTH EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY.

I NO LONGER FEEL AS SECURE AS I DID,
I DON'T LAUGH AS EASILY AS I ONCE DID,
AND I HAVE QUIT SMOKING BECAUSE I PROMISED RUSSELL I WOULD,
I GAINED 10 POUNDS THAT I REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO GAIN.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THE "OLD" ANGELA COMES BACK, BUT NOT OFTEN.

RUSSELL AND I WERE BORN TOGETHER AND LIVED TOGETHER.

WE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT A TIME WHEN WE WOULDN'T BE TOGETHER.

I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT HIM WITHOUT GETTING TEARS IN MY EYES
AND I KNOW EVERYONE PROBABLY THINKS I SHOULD GET ON WITH MY LIFE.
UNLESS YOU ARE A TWIN YOURSELF,
YOU JUST CAN'T EVEN COMPREHEND WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LOSE
YOUR TWIN SIBLING. ONCE ONE IS GONE YOU ARE ALONE,
HALF OF WHAT YOU WERE.

IT'S VERY HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS THE DIFFERENT THINGS
I MISS ABOUT RUSSELL. CERTAIN SOUNDS, FOODS,
A GLIMPSE OF A PICTURE, WEATHER, MOVIES, MUSIC, SOMETHING ON TV, -
YOU NAME IT - BRINGS BACK A FLOOD OF MEMORIES OR,
IF IT WAS SOMETHING NEW, FEELINGS LIKE
"I WONDER WHAT RUSSELL THINKS ABOUT THAT".
I AM LUCKY TO HAVE MEMORIES, BUT IT JUST ISN'T THE SAME.

RUSSELL, NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU HAVE TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO A LOVED ONE,
NEVER HAVE TO FACE MORE HEARTACHE.
YOU'RE IN A NEW PLACE, WHERE THERE ARE NO TEARS, NO SORROW, NO ANGER,
NO SEPARATION, AND NO PAIN.

[russ] REST IN PEACE AMONG THE STARS,
MY RUSSELL,
AND WHEN I LOOK UP AT THE STARS
I WILL THINK OF YOU.
YOU ARE WITH ME WHERE EVER I GO.

GOD BLESS UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN,
WHEN WE CAN AGAIN LAUGH TOGETHER
AT OUR CHILDHOOD ADVENTURES
THAT NO BODY ELSE UNDERSTANDS.

Growing Up Together

[Russ 04] "Think of him as living in the hearts of those
he touched for nothing loved is ever lost and
he was loved so very much."

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, beer in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"

One Sweet Day

Boyz II Men:
Sorry I never told you, all I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
Cause you've flown away, so far away

Mariah:
Never had I imagined, living without your smile
Feelin, knowin' you hear me
It keeps me alive, alive

Together:
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together (together)
One sweet day

Mariah:
I'll wait patiently to see you in heaven.

Boyz II Men:
Darlin' I never showed you (no no no)
Assummed you'd, always be there
And I, I took your presence for granted
But I always cared (I always cared)
And I miss the love we shared

Together:
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together (together)
One sweet day

Boyz II Men:
Although the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day

Mariah
Yeah Yeah and Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

Together:
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together (together)
One sweet day

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together (together)
One sweet day

Sorry I never told you, all I wanted to say

Artists
BOYZ II MEN AND MARIAH CAREY

Photo Album One

Photo Album Two

The Boxer

TO MY DEAR FRIEND FANNYPOOP
THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART

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