| �Mustard, Ketchup, Radish, Relish, ONIONS!�...in Ohio, there is a parade on Day of the Hot Dog. Costumes are assembled, usually consisting of pillowy, beige buns on either side of the entire body and a tan jump suit worn in between. Giant paper machete floats of hot dogs, onions, tomatoes, and even bags of potato chips are created. Skits are performed, booths are set up and balloon animals are made. At the head of the parade, a line of young girls from all over the United States competing to be Ms. Hot Dog Virgin USA ride on top of a fleet of Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobiles. They wear sparkling, hot dog costumes and crowns made from relish. They wave as the parade winds through the poorest neighborhoods, collecting participants as it heads for downtown. Riot police are set in place, armed only with giant ketchup and mustard hoses. The parade ends at the steps of Proctor & Gamble where a stage has been constructed. A massive street party ensues. People from all walks of society engage with one another. Dressed in their hot dog costumes, drink and eat and exchange pleasantries. It is a peaceful celebration that unites neighbor with neighbor, employee with manager, enemy with enemy for one glorious day. As dawn approaches, CEO Durk Jager, appears in a three piece mustard colored suit and begins the contest. The Ms. Hot Dog Virgin USA girls are paraded before him to dance and show off a variety of talents. They recite their plans for the future. They bat their lashes and move as provocatively as possible beneath their wiener attire. They compete as Durk Jager looks on with a detached presence. When the final contestant has made her bid, Jager writes the name of the winner on a golden card and hands it to his administrative assistant before climbing into a helicopter and flying away. The admin screams the name of the winner and quickly places a crown on her head before diving into the crowd along with the losers, leaving the new Ms. Hot Dog Virgin USA completely alone on the stage. The crowd then explodes with animal rage, ripping at their own costumes and beginning to run. They move around the stage like a grounded tornado, trampling one another in frenzy while the new Ms. Hot Dog Virgin USA remains completely motionless above them. There is no more gaiety, there is no more courtesy. This vortex becomes bloody and violent as she looks on. It is every man and woman for themselves; costumes stained, floats torn and disemboweled. A cry rises from them for mercy and sweeps through each of their bloody, semi-naked bodies. It is then, when the crowd can stand it no more, that 4 male police move in. They begin by tearing her costume from her body, leaving her naked before the peoplewho, upon seeing such a sight, begins to slow. The police then beat the girl until she falls to the ground. It's believed the longer she can go without falling, the more prospective the new year will be for the on lookers. They cheer her on and promise everything will be ok if she just lasts another few minutes. Her relatives are pushed to the front to soothingly tell her how proud they are and give her support. Once she has hit the ground, the crowd becomes turbulent again but this time, they shout and scream at the police instead of one another. Before the crowd can turn on them, the police drag the limp body of the girl to the doors of Proctor & Gamble and shackle her spread-eagle. The crowd becomes ecstatic as the riot police move in with their hoses. As they prepare to spray, the mass begins to chant over and over, �Mustard, Ketchup, Radish, Relish, ONIONS!� The hoses are opened and the girl is then drowned in a swirling pressure of condiments. |