Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night. [or cloudy]
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
If we measure children and they are getting taller, is it fair to tell them the tape measure has shrunk?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Why do people sing Take Me Out To The Ball Game when they're already there?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Should vegitarians eat animal crackers?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Why do people call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive through teller machines?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If buttered toast always lands butter side down, and a cat always lands on it's feet, what would happen if you dropped a cat with a piece of buttered toast tied to it's back?
If the little black boxes on airplanes are indestructible, why don't they make the whole airplane out of the same material?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
Did ancient doctors refer to IVs as 'fours'?
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
If time is money, why doesn't money come as easily as time goes?
If the pencil #2 is so popular, why is it still #2?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just live 10 miles away?
Why can't I set my laser printer on 'stun'?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
How come when something is flying overhead, people say "heads up!" Shouldn't they say "Duck!"?
How come nailpolish & white-out bottles are always deeper than the brush?
How come people try something and say, "Eww! This is nasty, here try it." Why would you want to try something someone else thinks tastes awful?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what idiot came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
God's place is the world, but the world is not God's place.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Doen't Writing "Blank Page" destroy the point?
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Free Prisoners [with every pack of persil]
My mum made me a sunken wreck, if i gave her some wood would she make another?
Business is like a car : It will not run by itself, except downhill.
Don't get mad, get even.
Isn't saying "no comment" making a comment?
To make a small mistake is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
I swear to drunk i'm not God, ociffer
When you�re going to criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticise them, you�re a mile away and have their shoes.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He told me not to be so stupid - everyone hasn't met me yet.
It's only funny until someone gets hurt - then it's hilarious
You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps
What happens if you break a mirror with a rabbit's foot?
Hard work never hurt anyone, but I'm not taking the risk
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Those who jump off the dam wall in Egypt are in denial.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well read.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted.- It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.