***Doctors saying, "You know, it's not a glandular problem".
***Needing love and support from family, and not getting it.
***Having my well-meaning family member/friend/etc. say, "I don't blame you for having the surgery. I couldn�t imagine being that fat.�
***I am wondering why, even though I am funny, fun to be around, and smart, my friends would want to be my friend, because I think of myself as "such a cow".
***Avoiding photographs and mirrors at any cost.
***Avoiding old friends and public places as much as possible.
***Not knowing what to do with my life because I feel I belong nowhere.
***Mentally strangling people who weigh MUCH less, talking about how "fat" they are.
***Avoid meeting new people because I think all they will see is the fat.
***Wondering if the cashier at the store is glancing at the size of the circus tent underwear I am buying.
***Seeing fat people made fun of on movies, TV, radio, etc. Why is this OK?!?
***Smiling and trying to act nonchalant when my skinny friend's child keeps looking at me and pointing, and saying, "You have a very fat stomach!"
***People believing that morbidly obese people, like me, DO NOT HAVE feelings because they must be trapped in all those fat cells or something.
***Having family members/friends talk about how fat they are when I would give anything to be that small, knowing that my reality is their worst nightmare.
***When family members are constantly "trying to help" with their various diets or tips or stupid comments.
***Having thin family members/friends who don't understand.
***Walking into a crowded room and praying that there will be someone bigger than me in the room...wanting to cry when I see there isn't.
***Sales people in department stores who "see through" us.
***Dealing with people judging me as morally inferior because they consider morbid obesity to be a "character flaw" instead of a chronic, life-threatening disease.
***Having to work twice as hard in order to be thought of as half as good as other people.
***Avoiding all social functions, because people tend to ignore me as if I were invisible.
***People acting as if my morbid obesity is contagious and they are afraid they are going to "catch it" from me.
***Being treated as if I am unworthy of even the most basic common courtesy.
***Putting up with "know-it-all" skinny people who feel it is their mission in life to give me unsolicited diet and exercise advice.
***Being the object of "put-downs" from people with poor self-esteem, who try to make themselves feel superior by pointing out my flaws.
***My family destroying my self-esteem about my weight. Like Dad grabbing my fat rolls and telling me that I should do something about �it�.
***Never liking the way I look in photos.
***Feeling worthless and hopeless.
***Always feeling like I am settling for so much less in life than I want or deserve, simply because I'm fat.
***Hiding in my home, in my car, and in my clothes. (Not wanting people to see me at all, not even those I love.)
***Hoping that the next day would be better.
***That I am worthless to love and too much of a humiliation to have a boyfriend.
***Not being able to ride the rides at the fair because I alone as one person exceed the weight limit and the belt straps don�t go across me anyways.
***Feeling like the Hunchback of Notre Dame because the fat on my back is so excessive I feel like I have a hump back there.
***Hating when people accidentally bump into me and they bounce off and ricochet off my fat like a bouncy ball on pavement.
Maybe this could be called a self pity party, but the thing about it is that this �disease� has ruined my life in every aspect. Emotionally and physically. I believe that it has prevented me from doing things that I would have done if I was a normal size.
7:41 pm: So I just went out to get the mail and my blood work results from 6/24/04 referral appointment are in. It says that my glucose level is very high and that I test for diabetes and that my triglycerides are high and that my good cholesterol is too low. What another nail in the coffin! I am now more determined to get this surgery done. I am going to have to keep on that train of thought or there will be more than just one nail in the coffin but more like 6 feet of dirt on top of it also. Yikes.