Harry Potter & the Well-Worn Issue of Wicked Witch Magazine
by: R.J. Christensen
It was in September that 16yr old Harry Potter was in his 6th year of attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry when something happened that would change his life forever----and it had absolutely nothing to do with his previous six encounters with the evil Dark Wizard Lord Voldemort.
Deciding they were old enough and well experienced in matters of adventure (especially considering their adventures the year before), Harry and his two best friends at Hogwarts, Ron Weasley & Hermione Granger, decided to go explore the school castle's many as yet unknown regions. Pulling out the dreadfully useful Marauder's Map that Harry's father had help create many years ago, the three friends set off on a rainy Saturday afternoon to roam the lower dungeons, mindfully of the sinister school caretaker Argus Filch. After going through the 11th secret passage in their journey, they entered a room to which the Map referred to as "The Secrets of Slytherin". Hermione thought it would lead them into trouble again, and this time even sooner in the school year. But Harry & Ron decided they should check it out for anything that might be handy when the inevitable challenge with evil would come about.
Entering through a rather nasty-looking, but thankfully non-moving painting of a tentacled cosmic horror, Harry and his friends entered a dark and foreboding chamber, roughly 20 feet square. Three Lumination spells lit up the room, and Harry was surprised to see it was filled with drooping bookshelves and several decrepit chairs.
Hermione piqued up. "It must be the secret library of Slytherin House! What does the map say?"
"It just says, 'many secret compartments'....and luckily there's no one within 2 levels of us." Harry answered. "So I guess the interesting stuff should be in the secret compartments!"
"I'm already looking for those!" Ron excitedly replied. "If not something we can use to fight You-know-who this year, we can at least use the Slytherin Quidditch team playbook!"
Ten minutes went by and the trio began using their wands to located various secret compartments, most filled with Dark Arts spell books, greatly overdue volumes from the Library, hundreds of plans to rule the world, and numerous bags of funny-smelling leaves and powders. Suddenly, Ron was heard to gasp "WHOA!", and Harry and Hermione quickly turned around to see a very flush-faced Ron as he slammed shut a small panel door next to the floor.
"What did you find, Ron?" Harry asked inquisitively, to which Ron would only stammer "Oh...er...uh...Nothing!! N-n-n-nothing very... interesting... just some er, uh... uh.... Famous Wizard collector cards I've been collecting....got 'em already...n-n-nothing to look a-a-a-at..."
Harry wondered why Ron would be acting so nervous, while Hermione, used to Ron's personality quirks, just shook her head. Moments later, Ron was ready to leave the room, even though their rummaging had been rather brief.
"Uh, let's go! T-t-time to leave! I-I-I've got some...uh... homework to do! And we would n-n-not want to be caught in here, you know!"
"Ron! Half an hour ago, you were insisting we find this room, and now you are concerned about being caught!" Hermione said with exasperation in hr voice. "Whatever goes on in that fuzzy mind of yours...."
Harry also tried to convince Ron there was nothing to fear as the Marauder's Map showed no one else on that floor and they did have his Invisibility Cloak in case some did show up. But Ron insisted on heading back to the Gryffindor tower. On the way up, Ron hurriedly took the lead, and seemed as if he was trying to keep his cloak closed. All questions for him were hastily ignored or the subject changed as the three of then literally raced up the many the stairs to the Gryffindor Common room.
After Hermione had turned with a huff and went up to her dorm room, Ron bolted up to the boys room, quickly followed by Harry, who was still wondering what could have gotten his best friend so worked up. Inside the Gryffindor 6th Year Boys Dormitory, Shamus Finnigan & Dean Thomas were again debating English Football vs. Quidditch and Neville Longbottom was suffering with his latest bout of Potions homework. Ron yelled to the room, "You won't BELIEVE What I found! A Copy of WICKED WITCH!!!" Shamus answered by yelling hysterically "WHERE?!?!?" and leaping over to Ron. Neville responded only by turning 8 shades of red and almost falling out of his chair. Dean & Harry, being from Muggle families, were left standing alone and staring at one another. Baffled, Harry then asked, "What is a Wicked Witch...aside from the obvious??" Then Ron exclaimed with sheer ecstasy in his voice, "It's a magazine filled with pictures of BEAUTIFUL Witches...and they're NAKED!!!"
Shamus was still jumping & down yelling in his Irish brogue, "Lemme See! Lemme See!" while a poor red-faced Neville hid behind his "1001 Magic Herbs & Fungi" book. Harry, still not entirely comprehending this bit of the Wizarding lifestyle, asked curiously "So, is Wicked Witch magazine something ...like....FHM or Playboy?", having seen the covers of such in Muggle bookstores and in Uncle Vernon's sock drawer when he was 7.
"Even better!" Shamus exclaimed excited. "Remember---Wizard pictures MOVE!"
Harry was now flushed with excitement that only could compare with broom flying. For years, he had greatly admired the secret joy of looking at his female Quidditch rival Cho Chang...and to an extent his one time Yule Ball date Parvati Patal, but this was different. These were Adult Witches and they were disrobed.
Shamus could only repeat himself. "LEMME SEE! LEMME SEE!"
"Any Jamaican witches in there?" Dean asked with painful impatience.
Ron was ecstatic with excitement of his discovery. "Bill had a stack of these when he was a 7th year, but Mum caught our house ghoul reading them and threw every single one of them out. Fred & George swore they had a subscription that came right here to school."
"Never mind your stupid family history! LET's LOOK IN IT!!!!" yelled Shamus, who was about to burst with excitement.
Although he didn't say anything, Harry wholeheartedly agreed. Ron then threw the crinkled and severely worn magazine on his bed, and the boys (minus Neville) knelt down and gazed longing at the cover of it, which featured an incredibly beautiful and voluptuous auburn-haired witch. Shamus gasped when he saw one of the cover titles. "WITCHES OF IRELAND!!! OPEN IT NOW!!!"
After eyeing the come-hither teasing of the cover witch, who was clad in a nearly see-through green robe, Harry noticed the date on the magazine. "July 1977! This is old!! Before we were born!" Ron could only reply with "Well, that means Fred & George didn't bring here..." as he continued to ogle the cover witch. Shamus was still agitated that the magazine was still closed. "Open it!! Open it!!" he yelled. Neville could only stammer nervously from his desk, "Get that out of here before the Prefects finds out! Or worse... Professor McGonagall!!"
Ron started slowly turning each page, savoring the moment he had been dreaming of for years, all the while with Shamus yelling "Go to the Witches of Ireland!! Or at least The Centerfold, you bloody twit!"
Harry felt flushed with titillation at the idea of seeing beautiful nude witches, but wondered aloud at the material on each page. "Man, there sure are a lot of ads... oh my god! Three Naked Witches in a giant caldron!" They were the first nude women, magical or otherwise, Harry had ever seen. His breath suddenly turned very shallow, his heart began to race, and he had a funny quivering in his stomach. And he wanted to see more.
"Wow!" shouted Ron. "The Playwarlock mansion in London! It's party central!" he turned to the other boys and added, "Stupid Percy got invited there last year...and he turned it down!!!" Then Ron flipped through more pages rather annoyed at the lack of nude females. "Music reviews... ads for Lewenbury's Hard Cider...an Interview with Historian Uric Kurvey...what the hell... where are the naked witches?"
"In The Centerfold, stupid!!" Shamus yelled, smacking Ron comically in the back. Ron continued pages by page, not wanting to miss anything, however dull at the moment. "Health news...wireless set reviews, what the....WHOA! Seduction spells!"
Shamus yelled again, "Forget the bloody spells and go to the Irish Witches!!" Neville couldn't take it anymore and raced over. "Let me see or I WILL tell Professor McGonagall!"
And just as Ron turned the page, the first pictorial was reached, "Witches of Ireland". Beautiful Gaelic girls with flowing red and blond hair and all sky-clad, moved provocatively on the pages; some stirring caldrons, some invoking mystical powers of nature, other just lying back seductively. After a momentary shuffling around Ron for a better vantage point, the full effect was attained. Shamus fainted with mock delight and Dean's eyes bugged out. Harry could not help but stare with desire at the women. He also noticed that his private parts was becoming very stiff...just as at certain times when he straddled his broom closely or slid down a banister. With wheezing commentary, Ron kept turning the pages to discover more nude Irish witches, but with some difficulty. "Damn it...some the pages are stuck together!" he griped. Dean unknowingly added "Yeah, it smells kinda of musty too!" to which Neville responded "M-m-m-must be from sitting in the dungeons for so long!!! Mold, you know!!"
Thankfully for Shamus, Ron picked up the page-turning pace during a long stretch of articles. Even a selection about the then upcoming 77/78 Quidditch season was passed over. And at last, the precious centerfold was reached. Ron pulled the folded page out and soon Miss July of 1977 was spread out in front of the Gryffindor boys. "UHHHHH! Look at her! She's Bloody INCREDIBLE!"
"Look at those breasts! How'd she get those under her robe?"
"Never mind those, look what she's doing on the broom on the next page!!!!
"Damn! I didn't know girls could do that!!"
"I-I-I-I-I-I've n-n-n-n-n-n-never had a r-r-real a-p-p-p-p-preciation for wizard photography until n-n-n-ow..."
At this moment, the now-overexcited Neville fainted as Ron & Shamus began luridly eyeballing the seductive moves of the centerfold, while Dean just quivered. Harry too, was feeling faint, but managed to hold on. He had a queer rumbling feeling throughout his body; part nervousness, part excitement, and completely new to him. Ron was stammering about Miss July's statistics. "Narcissa Winfrey-Lush...her... her...turn-ons include Quiditch Seekers, full moons, tall long-haired wizards, and...snakes??? Harry! You could score with her!"
"Yeah, if she wasn't so old now..." he laughed along with Shamus & Dean. But Harry was lying, as of right now he'd do anything to touch the real Wicked Witch centerfold Narcissa Winfry-Lush, no matter how old she was now.
Just then, the new Gryffindor Prefect Byron Corn rang the dinner bell down in the commons. "All right!! Gryffindors Assemble! Dinner in 15 minutes!!"
Surprised by his unexpected and magically-amplified voice, Harry, Dean, Neville, & Shamus bolted to their desks, while Ron hurriedly scrambled to hide the magazine in his locker under his bed.
After dinner, Harry, Ron, and Shamus had to go to Quidditch practice. But to the dismay of Team Captain Katie Bell, their minds were not on the game. She literally had to bonk Ron on his head with his own Beater bat to get his attention---which was directed at his locker under his bed. Finally, after having to take 142 flying laps around the Quidditch pitch as punishment, Harry, Ron & Shamus clambered up the long flight of stairs to the Gryffindor Commons room, ready again to peruse the wonders of Ron's incredible find. But Byron the prefect had arranged for ghostly Professor Binn to give a mind-numbingly boring lecture of the history of Gryffindor House that evening to everyone. The boys could only gaze longingly upwards to the dorm room stairs, knowing who was awaiting their return. Hermione had to poke Harry when Professor Binn got to the part about his father James Potter setting the school record for Quidditch goals in a season.
"Are you alright Harry?" Hermione asked with concern. "Uh....I-I-I-I seem to be a little uh-uh-uh tired after...uh...Quidditch practice! I-I-I'm OK, Hermione!"
It was just then that Harry noticed that Hermione herself had a rather nice-looking chest--even if it was under her sweater. He quickly tried to take more interest in Professor Binn's lethargic lecture.
Finally, freed from the required attendance of the lecture, all of the Gryffindor 6th year boys bolted for the stairs, leaving Hermione and the other girls to just shake their heads in bewilderment. "I'll never understand boys..." Lavender Brown muttered much to Hermione & Parvati's agreement.
Upstairs, Ron took out the precious old magazine from under his bed for himself, over the protests of the other boys. "I'm going to be reading this cool story about a hard-boiled, crime-fighting Auror...so go away!" Ron said forcefully as he pulled shut the curtains of his bed. Grumbling, Shamus swore he'd get his hands on the Witches of Ireland issue even if he had to learn Dark Art spells from Voldemort himself. Dean sat in his bed and began drawing nude Jamaican witches in his sketchbook. Neville, exhausted from the all the excitement and failing to break into Ron's locker during the Quidditch practice, just collapsed on his bed. Harry, however, just stared at the closed curtains of Ron's bed. As the room fell darkly silent, he could hear Ron's pronounced heavy breathing and knew he wasn't reading any story about a crime-fighting Auror.
Later that night, Harry awoke up with a strange urging in his abdomen. His throat was dry and his heart pounding. He looked out from the curtains of his bed, and heard Ron snoring softly. His hands quivering with excitement, Harry reached for his wand and aimed at Ron's bed. "Accio Magazino!" and the copy of "Wicked Witch" zipped out from behind the curtains into his awaiting hand. Harry opened it up to the center and gazed lustfully at Narcissa Winfry-Lush; the most beautiful and sexy witch he had ever seen. Harry just gazed in amazed wonder at the nude female form; the rounded curves, the softness of the inviting warm flesh, the flowing white-blond hair, the pursed and pouty red lips, her eagerly enticing ice blue eyes. Flushed with excitement and arousal, Harry began to imagine what it would be like if Narcissa were actually there with him in his bed.
Harry woke up another couple of hours later with his sheets soaking wet, and a freight train running through the middle of his head. He then realized he had been dreaming about the nude Narcissa...and a naked Cho Chang... a naked Parvati... a naked Hermione...and what he had been doing with them. After a few moments of gasping for breath, Harry looked about the bed and discovered the magazine now laid on the floor to his left. Quickly, he gathered it up, and began inspecting for any more tell-tale creases, then levitated the magazine back into Ron's bed. It was then that Harry realized what had awoken him moments before. Horrified, he changed his pajamas and removed the sheets from his bed, fearful that the House elves might realize what he had done.
The next morning over breakfast, Harry, Ron, and Shamus were quietly gushing over Narcissa Winfrey-Lush, which further mystified the bewildered Hermione, who was trying to prepare them for that day's classes. Just then, Harry's arch-rival Draco Malfoy walked by, trying to avoid trouble as his teen henchmen Crabbe & Goyle were still stuffing their troll-like bodies with sausages.
Suddenly, Malfoy caught a word of the hushed conversion at the Gryffindor table and angrily strode over. "What you are stupid gits doing talking about my dear mother?"
Ron snapped back saying that it was none of Malfoy's business, but Harry inquired, "What do you mean, we're talking about YOUR mother?"
"I heard both you and poverty-case Weasley mention my mother's name!!"
As Ron and Shamus sat wide-mouthed, Harry had to ask. "Er, was your mother's maiden name......Winfrey-Lush?"
Draco snapped back angrily, "Yes! Back when she was a top Slytherin student--- Narcissa Winfrey-Lush---a long-time, proper Wizarding family name! Something you worms would never know about! She graduated with Full O.W.L.s in 1976 and three years later married my father! Now shut up about her or I'll bring Crabbe & Goyle over and we MAKE you Gryffindor slimeballs shut up permanently!"
As the fuming Draco stomped back to the Slytherin table, Ron freaked out. "OMIGAWD!!!! I imagined I did it with Malfoy's MOM!! YUCK!" he screeched discreetly into the table. Shamus, more interested in the Witches of Ireland, comically added, "Well, she was pretty hot back then!"
Smiling, Harry could only gaze over at the lovely Cho Chang now sitting at the Ravenclaw table, wondering if one day she could be his very own "Wicked Witch"...
The End...for now
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