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Joe Senser's Softball
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RECORD CROWD BREAKS BAR RECORD
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Joe Senser's Softball
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By Dan Hinrichs
Infield Correspondent
ROSEVILLE, MN- In a shocking development at Victoria fields in Roseville on Thursday night, team Joe Senser�s, motivated by early rumors that they didn�t belong in a �Class C� league and a desire to "get to the bar early," ten-runned their opposition only minutes after being 10-runned themselves. "We don�t really like playing close games. It�s all or nothing," said former manager Mike Dirksen. A tear came to the old skipper�s eye as he mumbled, "I�m just so proud of these guys..."
The first game was highlighted by nothing, as a disinterested Senser�s squad gave up two grand slams and innings of 8 and 9 runs, respectively. Jeremy Kletzin, the main power threat for Senser�s, hit four lob-wedges that together totaled about 140 feet of fly-ball. Apparently confused about which sport he was playing, Kletzin mused, �I wanted to bring the ball down nice and soft, with as little overspin as possible. You don�t want to leave yourself with a long putt for par on these slick greens.� Further frustrating onlookers was former slugger Christian Peterson�s inability to make good contact with the ball. Peterson, who admittedly �normally swings a nice, wet newspaper� at the plate, complained that �usually I at least have a Sunday edition or something, with all the ads and stuff. Tonight I hit with a waterlogged City Pages. I�m not going to lie to you, it wasn�t pretty.�
Calling the team�s performance in game one �a disgrace� and �an embarrassment to all involved,� the player formerly known as Eastside made his long-awaited managerial debut. The formerly named Eastside, who now goes simply by a Japanese symbol loosely translated to mean �Eastiro,� started his regime with a simple, yet effective tactic. In an effort to shake up the lineup in the hopes of getting the bats going and better outfield play, manager Eastiro went with the exact same lineup that couldn�t hit the broad side of a barn with a beachball the game before and, inexplicably, moved the team�s best outfielder and arguably most important defensive player, Ryan Thomas, to third base, where he proved to have no idea what he was doing. Catcher Charlie �I passed out last night� Reihle said of the manager�s first move, �it was a flash of brilliance not to change the batting order and an outright conspiracy to move Thomas to the infield. The one grounder they hit to him, he looked more like a bullfighter than a third baseman. �Ole!�� Thomas did provide a spark at the plate, where he supposedly went 6-8 on the day, however this is under review as the official statistician was not sure if the team even got a total of 6 hits. Reihle�s night was better off forgotten, as he became the first player in softball history to almost ground into a double play in every at-bat.
Senser�s jumped out to early four and nine run leads, spurred by timely hitting and magnificent pitching by Brette Hjelle. �I thought we were going to shut them out for a while,� noted Hjelle, �but then I remembered we might be the worst team ever assembled, and I knew it couldn�t last.� Which it didn�t, but Senser�s still won 20-11, taking credit for a ten-run victory because, �you know what, it doesn�t really matter in the long run,� according to All-Star right fielder and batting average leader Tim Bruns. The hitting attack was led by Hjelle, Thomas, and Mike Kennedy, who recovered from a swing and miss on which �he wasn�t within three feet� of the ball to hit a screaming line drive down the left-field line. The heartless umpire, however, called the ball foul and Kennedy ended up singling past a sleeping third baseman. Further damage could have been done had Kletzin, who switched to a pitching wedge to work on his mid-range chipping, and Peterson, who switched to a wet spaghetti noodle bat, been able to get even one hit with runners on base. Defensively, Dan Hinrichs was the star, with several dazzling plays at shortstop. One play in particular had Hinrichs ranging deep in the hole to his left and making a diving stab of a hot line-drive. The incident was dubbed �the Hinrichs Maneuver� and, although no out was made on the play, Eastiro confirmed that the play �was fun to watch.�
The celebration carried over to the bar, where Senser�s was greeted by several pitchers and appetizers �on the house� in honor of the amazing victory. Dirksen won a spin and �showed more speed on the way to the wheel than to he does to first base.� Manager Eastiro basked in his glory, but cautioned the team not to get too comfortable. �We still have that purple team to play, guys, so let�s bear down,� noted Eastiro in his infinite wisdom. The schedule also includes future tilts against �that red team,� �that other red team,� and �that team that wears red jerseys.� League officials have determined no disciplinary action against Senser�s for their lack of red jerseys. Fan support was at an all-time high, as regulars Biebl and Forstrom were joined by several bandwagon fans from St. Ben�s and some �ringers� brought by Thomas. The team�s bar tab skyrocketed to almost $1,000 on the strength of consuming 25 pitchers of Miller Lite (12.5 gallons), and Senser�s seems to be gathering momentum towards an end-of-the-year party.
Swelvax Player of the Week:
Brette Hjelle. Batted 6-for-8 with a double on the night, and shut down the Jake's bats with tough pitching and Patrick Roy-like fielding in the big Senser's win. The Scott Erickson all-black getup was a success.
MVMP of the Week, presented by Mike Biebl:
Charlie Riehle. As stated above, pulled a "Fanucci" by grounding into two double plays on the night, and anytime you get a stat known as "The Fanucci", you will more than likely be the MVMP.
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