by
January, 12, 2004
Pierre du Plessis, 199 Outspan Drive, Bendor
Park, Polokwane, 0699, Limpopo Province, South Africa
This "fruit for thought" article is for all human beings, who somehow find themselves in charge of subordinates, not quite knowing how to influence them.
INTRODUCTION
You will never be able to control people, but you will be able to
let people control themselves in ways that benefit you. If you
tell people what to do, they may not listen to you and will
probably resent you. You must get people to do what they want to
do, while you influence their control over themselves. This
report will show you how to do that.
There are two ways to get people to do what you want. The first,
behavior modification, allows you to change a person's
undesirable behaviors by using positive reinforcement. The second
method of influencing is reality modification. We'll concentrate
most of our attention on this. This influencing technique is
successful because of the way in which your requests are
presented. In this report, I will show you how to get anything.
The secret to getting what you want is the way you go about
getting it.
KNOW WHAT PEOPLE NEED
There are three main goals people subconsciously seek. They are:
1. Symbolic rewards 2. Material
gains 3. Security
SYMBOLIC REWARDS
We all have the need for symbolic rewards, such as recognition
and praise. Everybody wants to feel important and special. The
act of praising and recognizing another is a strong motivator.
Always reward good deeds with praise, and give positive,
constructive criticism for bad deeds. If you are patient, in time
you will see the results of your compliments.
MATERIAL REWARDS
Material rewards mean a lot to people, whether they realize it or
not. In any capitalist society, a person's status is judged by
his material gains. Therefore, since money produces material
gain, it is a strong motivator, and its presence can have a
strong influence on others.
SECURITY
Everyone needs security and stability. Security is attained when
people feel they belong and are needed by others. People want
security in their jobs, friends, family, etc. There are many ways
to increase other people's feelings of security:
a) Let people know what you have
to offer and what you expect from them in return. Tell them why
the relationship you have with them is the way it is.
b) Make people feel that they are needed and belong in the
relationship with you. Show a need for their presence.
c) Let others know what their efforts are accomplishing and how
they are affecting you. Make them feel important and special to
you. Show them that their efforts are appreciated.
d) Make sure that parties in the relationship are compatible
EMPHASIZE COMFORT
Make sure people are comfortable in their relationships with you.
If they are not, find out why and do something about it.
HOW TO WIELD MORE INFLUENCE
Know What You Want
Have a clear idea in your mind about what to achieve. Whether it
be changing another person's undesirable behaviors or persuading
him to accept your point of view. Fix this idea of what you want
to achieve firmly in your mind. Know exactly what you want, and
clarify any vague objectives you may have. Clarity of personal
purpose is the first step to putting your influencing abilities
to work.
Understand Expectations
Have a clear understanding of what others expect of you and what
you actually expect of yourself. People often set unrealistic
expectations for themselves by gathering up all of the good
qualities they see in others, and trying to have them all within
themselves. No one expects you to be perfect.
Be Persistent
Resolve to do everything better and be persistent until you
attain the results you've been trying to achieve. Anything worth
doing once is worth doing again and again. Don't let rejection or
any other negative experience stop you. Learn from mistakes,
better yourself, and keep on going.
You Must Give in Order to Receive
The old cliché, "there' no such thing as free lunch,"
is a fact of life. If you want to receive something, learn to pay
for it. Some things may have higher prices than others, and some
things may have a higher value to you than others. Examine your
options carefully and match what you can give with what you want
to receive.
Pay Attention To People
People will help you get where you want to go. It will never be
easy for you to make it alone. People can teach you and help you
become more influential with others. Listen to other people and
learn from them.
Expect A Lot
When you expect a lot, you can get a lot. Your expectations of
others and yourself will become reality. Whatever you expect to
happen will happen. If you push yourself hard, you will start to
see results.
Build A Positive Atmosphere
When you create a "win, win, win" situation, you will
start to win. When you start to think positively, your life will
start to be positive.
Promise A Lot, Deliver More
Promise people a lot, and then give them more. This is the way
the highest achievers have made it. Tell people what you will do
for them, and then do more.
Give People What They Want
If you want things from others, you must first give. Don't expect
others to make the first move - you have to. If you want to get
ahead in life and be successful, you must make the first move.
Everybody has certain goals and objectives they wish to achieve.
If you can help them reach their goals and objectives, they will
want to return the favor. Give people what they want and you will
always be ahead.
HOW LISTENING HELPS YOU CONTROL OTHERS
Listening is one of the most important necessities of human
communication. If you don't listen to people, you are missing out
on one of the best ways to influence people. People will always
listen to you when you listen to them. One of the greatest
influencing tools is listening. When you listen to what's on a
person's mind, you will find that communication barriers are
broken. Even if you think you know what they are going to say,
listen to them. If you are a bad listener, people will think that
you are not interested in them. People will like you if listen to
them. How do you feel about people who listen to what you have to
say? Isn't your admiration for them high? Others will feel the
same way about you.
Eliminate All Distractions
Distractions inhibit good talkers and listeners. It is important
that you remove all distractions when listening to another
person. You want to create a very warm and comfortable atmosphere
for the talker.
What Questioning Will Do
Questions we ask people arouse their thinking processes. When you
arouse people's think processes, you give them the chance to
express their own ideas and feelings. The only way you will find
out what you want to know about another is by asking questions.
If you are able to help people think on their own they will
respect you and like you. You have been able to do something for
them that they were not able to do for themselves. By listening
to others, you also fulfill their need to feel important. Through
your concern, they feel special.
Keep The Conversation Open
In order to listen, you must keep the conversation open. Some
people won't tell you everything on their minds, so you may have
to question them to keep the conversation going. All of your
questions should relate to who, what, why, where, when and how.
What Questions Do You Ask?
The questions you ask must have a specific purpose. If they
don't, you will lose credibility. You must ask questions the
person understands. Don't confuse other people by asking
complicated questions, such as questions with many parts. Ask
them one part of a question at a time. Try to get others to tell
you "why." "Why" is one of the best questions
to ask people. The reason for asking people questions is to get
definite answers. Your questions should prompt definite answers,
and they should discourage others from guessing at the answers.
The therapeutic value of questioning is lost when people guess at
answers.
How To Resolve An Argument By Listening
I have solved many arguments just by listening. It may be hard to
believe, but it really works. It works when someone is trying to
get his point across to you, and when he is yelling and telling
you how right he is. Even if the argument is meaningless, here is
how to deal with the situation so that you come out on top.
The first thing you should do is
listen to what the person has to say without once interrupting.
This is where your listening skill will come in handy. You should
say "yes" or "I understand" occasionally to
show the other person that you are really listening. It is
important that you agree with the other person's point of view.
If you don't think the other person is right, you must at least
let the other person know that you understand his point of view.
When the other person is finished saying what he had to say, ask
him, "What can I do for you?" This statement throws
many people off because they don't expect it. You will find,
after using this technique, that most people give in to your
point of view. The reason for this is that all people really want
is for someone to listen to them.
HOW TO GET ACTION BY TALKING
It is very important to listen to what other people have to say.
It is also important for others to listen to what you have to
say. This chapter will teach you how to create the most impact
from what you say.
Get The Other Person's Attention
The first thing you must do when trying to make a point is to get
the other person's attention. Make sure the other person is
listening to you before you begin talking. If the other person is
not listening to you, then you are wasting your time trying to
get through to him.
Make Your Message Understood
Make sure your message can be fully understood by the other
people. Don't use language or terms the other person will not
understand.
Fill Your Message With Benefits
People want to hear what you will do for them, not what you want
from them. Fill your message with benefits. The following two
sentences shows how this concept works. "I can show you how
to be a better person if you listen to me" is much more
appealing than. "Listen to me because I am smarter than
you."
Begin Discussions With Agreements
When you begin a conversation, open with something about which
you have a mutual understanding and on which both of you can
agree. Here is an example of this concept: IF you want someone to
turn the lights off when not in use, you should not say,
"keep the lights off, you *@$!!"; instead, you should
say "We both want to conserve energy, don't we? So could you
please turn off the lights when you leave the room?"
Give Reasons For Your Requests
Don't tell someone to do something just because you want him to,
or because it is a policy or rule. Give him a reason to listen to
you. If you ask someone to follow a policy or rule, tell him why
you expect him to follow it. Don't just tell someone to do
something - give him a benefit-oriented reason for doing it.
Changing Subjects
If you are going to change subject during a conversation, tell
the listener that you will be moving on to another subject. If
you confuse your listener, he may not listen. It is easier for a
person not to listen at all than to try to follow a confusing
conversation.
More on "effective talking" can be found in the section
on criticizing others.
HOW TO DEAL WITH DEFENSIVE PEOPLE
We sometimes think that people are resisting us when they're only
trying to protect themselves. People often put up defensive
fronts to portray themselves as people they are not. If you can
get behind their fronts, dealing with defensive people becomes
easy.
Defensive People
Very few defensive people actually realize they are defensive.
They often feel they are acting in the best interests of others.
In many cases, an outsider can see defensiveness in a person that
the person is completely unaware of. People who shy away from any
type of risk, or people who are constantly making excuses, have
weaknesses within themselves. They project insecurities about
themselves onto others. A person who constantly brags about his
intelligence may, in fact, be insecure about it. So, for his own
reassurance, he tries hard to convince others that he is smart.
In some situations, he may become an "over-achiever" to
compensate for his weaknesses. For example, he may sacrifice his
social life and devote all of his time to school work.
People who ridicule others for being poor achievers may be trying
to hide the fact that they are poor achievers themselves. In this
way, they project their own faults onto others instead of
admitting them to themselves. When you encounter a person like
that, don't just write him off as big mouth or a total loss. The
best thing you can do is to make that person shut up. This will
alleviate the problem temporarily, but the problem can only be
eliminated permanently by the person himself.
Criticize The Act, Not The Person
The reason for criticizing other people is to modify their
behavior. We want other people's attitude or behaviors to change
because they are wrong. If you criticize people for being stupid,
foolish, etc., they will lose respect for you. If you criticize
people's acts not their intelligence, they'll change their acts
and still have respect for themselves and for you.
Everyone is insecure in one way or another and defensiveness is a
normal reaction to insecurity. There are ways to deal with
defensiveness in people without becoming frustrated or upset.
Here are guidelines to follow when dealing with defensive people:
Never Accuse A Person Of Being Defensive
Accusing a person of being defensive can be damaging. Don't say
things like, "You're defensive because you can't cope with
the situation."
Admit Your Own Mistakes
No one is perfect. We all make mistakes, but do we all live up to
them? If you make a mistake, apologize for it. If you are wrong,
admit your error. Mistakes can help us learn how to do things
right the second time around, and we should not feel guilty about
them.
Solve The Real Problem
If you already know the real reason behind a person's insecurity,
then solve the real problem. If a person is insecure about being
unattractive, give praise for their good qualities and reassure
them of their attractiveness.
Questioning And Listening May Solve The Real Problem
Never directly label any of a person's weaknesses. Through your
questioning and listening skills, you may be able to get a person
to realize his own problems. When you question a person, ask
vague questions and try to lead him to a point where he
understands himself. Here is a sample question to ask: "It
seems to me that you are angry. How do you feel about this
situation?"
Leave The Situation Alone
In situations in which a person doesn't want to communicate, it
may be better to leave the situation alone. Remember that you can
only do so much to help a person realize his problems.
HOW TO PERSUADE PEOPLE THROUGH PERSISTENCE
If you are persistent, you will eventually get what you want. The
reason for this is that it easier for people to give in to you
than to continue resisting you. If you keep asking for something,
within reason, you will get what you want. Children are experts
at this. The following are steps you must take to use persistence
effectively:
Use A Direct Statement
In a direct statement, calmly tell the other person what you
want. Here are some examples: "I want to...";
"tell me..."; "show me..."
Repeat Your Request
Repeat your request over and over to the person until you get
what you want or a reasonable compromise. Don't let the other
person distract you with excuses or accusations. Keep repeating
your request no matter what the other person says.
Don't Lose Your Temper
You must be calm and collected at all times during your request.
No matter what the other person says or does, always be calm and
pleasant.
Get The Other Person To Make a Commitment
The other person may give you a vague answer to meet your demand,
such as, "We'll see," "soon,"
"Maybe," etc. If you get a vague answer, push for a
commitment to an exact date.
Fulfilling The Commitment
Make sure the person who has made a commitment to you does what
he agreed. If he isn't living up to his agreement, be persistent
and refer him back to the terms of his commitment. Refer back to
them as many times as it takes to make him follow through with
what he agreed to do for you.
HOW TO BE A MASTER COMPROMISER
In many cases, all you will be able to achieve by being
persistent is a compromise. Compromises are good because they put
you a step closer to your goal. If, for some reason, you can't
accept a compromise, then don't. Offer whatever you can, nothing
more. This, however, may not get you a settlement in your favor.
Here are several steps that will show you how to compromise so
that you get the most you can out of the bargain:
Tell The Person Exactly What You Want
Tell the person exactly what you want in terms he will
understand. For example, "I want more..."
Be Strong And Persistent
You must get around the other person's excuses and
rationalizations. You must be persistent until you feel you have
hit the other persons' bottom line. The other person may try to
manipulate you, so be strong and persistent so he cannot.
Don't Agree If You Are Unsure
If you are unsure of what, don't agree to anything. You must
think the situation over entirely before you compromise. If you
need more time, tell the other person that you need more time.
Make sure that you can live with the agreement before you make
it.
Everyone wants to be liked by other people. If you treat people
the way they want to be treated, they will like you. If you treat
them badly, they won’t. Often we don't know whether the
things we do are objectionable to others. I am going to give you
a list of things that attract people to others, and a list of
things people find objectionable.
Praise
Everybody enjoys being praised. People look for approval of
themselves from others. You should only praise people when they
deserve praise. If you praise people when they don't deserve it,
or if you praise people too much, you will lose your credibility.
Don't exaggerate your praise. Make the praise as warm and sincere
as you can.
Don't Put People Down
Putting a person down can be very damaging to your relationship
with that person. People feel degraded when called stupid, crazy,
weird, etc. Don't put people down, even if they are not present.
If you do, the word will get back to them, and you will look bad.
Always talk about people positively. If you don't like someone,
don't say anything about him. You will be amazed at the social
advantage this gives you.
Don't Be Concerned With Your Interests Only
There is nothing wrong with caring about and looking out for
yourself as long as you don't become entirely preoccupied with
it. People resent selfishness in others. Try to make your concern
for others more noticeable than your concern for yourself. People
will recognize and admire your generosity. Make sure others know
you look out for them as well as yourself.
Share The Credit
When others have helped you accomplish something, share the
credit with them, even if their contributions were not as great
as yours. You will be surprised how generously people react
toward you when you share credit with them.
Don't Expect Others To Provide For You
If you are unwilling to go out of your way for others, don't
expect them to go out of their way for you. Set the first
example. If you help others, they will help you in return.
Always Show Appreciation
Everybody wants approval and recognition for what they have
accomplished. If someone helps you in any way, tell him how much
you appreciate his actions. Actions a person performs for you may
not be repeated if you don't show appreciation. Here are some
examples of how you can best state your appreciation for others:
"I really appreciate the way you..."; "Thank you
very much for..."; "You are very good at...",
"I want to tell you how much it means to me that
you..."; "You were very nice to..."; etc. Don't
overdo your show of gratitude or you may seem insincere.
Don't "Show Up" Others
When you "show up" others, you do it at their expense.
Showing up people in front of others takes away their
self-respect. If you are better than others, they will know it.
You don't have to degrade them.
Treat Small Things With Importance
Some problems may seem small to you, but they may mean a great
deal to others. Don't ignore other people's problems. Treating
small problems with importance shows other people you care.
Care About People
People are concerned about themselves, and it is important for
them to feel that others also care about them. People feel
important when others care about them. Helping people get through
daily trials and sharing in their victories makes people feel
that you care about them.
Don't Criticize People In Front Of Others
Public criticism will cause people to feel degraded and
embarrassed, and they will resent you for doing that to them. If
you criticize someone, criticize them privately and
constructively.
Give People Your Undivided Attention
Everybody wants to feel important. To make a person feel
important you must give him your undivided attention when
communicating with him. Eliminate all distractions and be sure to
have good eye contact. When you are communicating with another
person, give him your complete, undivided attention.
Be Courteous, Tactful and Diplomatic
Everyone appreciates people who are courteous, tactful and
diplomatic. The best way to learn these qualities is from others.
Study someone you would like to be like and learn how he conducts
himself.
Be Confident
If you are not confident in yourself, people will not be
confident in you. People admire and respect confident people. If
you show others doubt, they will treat you with doubt. Be sure of
yourself and play down your insecurities.
HOW TO PERSUADE PEOPLE TO THINK LIKE YOU
Criticism is one way to persuade people to think like you. With
criticism we can modify the behavior of other people. If people
do things we don't like, we redirect (criticize) them. The word
"criticism" has a negative connotation in our society,
but criticism is actually very useful. In this chapter we'll
discuss criticism, which should be considered constructive
reasoning. Follow the steps shown below when you wish to
criticize constructively.
Criticism
Before you criticism someone, be absolutely sure that what the
individual did was wrong. Know the person you are criticizing.
Make sure you understand the person's character. If you know the
person and his characteristics well, and you know he'll never
change, then don't waste your breath criticizing him. Don't try
to change a habit that the individual is not capable of changing,
i.e., stuttering, etc. The reason for criticizing an individual
is so you both benefit from the improved relationship. It is
important that the person be improved and bettered by your
criticism. I have set several guidelines for you to follow when
criticizing another person. If you follow these guidelines, you
will find people following your suggestions.
Constructive Criticism
When criticizing someone, get right to the point and tell him
specifically what his undesirable behavior is. If you don't tell
him exactly what he must work on, he may not be able to correct
his behavior. And by making sure he understands why you are
criticizing him, is the most important step in learning to
criticize constructively.
Criticize Only When Necessary
If you criticize a person too much, the purpose behind your
criticism will be lost. The effectiveness of your criticism may
be weakened when it is overused, and the other person may begin
to resent you if you don't give him time to change. Only
criticize when you feel it is necessary. If there are several
undesirable behaviors you want the other person to change,
criticize only one at a time.
Never Say "Never" Or "Always"
Words like "never" and "always" tend to put
people on the defensive when they're used to describe their
behaviors. The word "always" gives people the
impression that their faults are constantly noticed and more
obvious than they actually are. "Usually" or
"sometimes" are better words for describing people's
Behaviors and shouldn't put them on the defensive. The word
"Never" is often used in place of "seldom."
There is a big difference between "seldom" and
"never," and people will often resent the word
"never" when it is used to describe their behaviors.
People will always react less defensively to the words
"usually" and "seldom."
Don't Add Humor To Your
Criticism
It may be funny to you to joke about people's faults but people
feel you are making fun of them when you do. If you don't
criticize people's behaviors seriously, you can't expect them to
consider seriously changing those behaviors.
Comparison Can Create Resentment
Comparing one person to another unfavorably will cause that
person to resent you. Try not to make any type of comparison that
will put a person down. Comparisons that make a person look good
have the opposite effect. Comparisons such as, "You are the
best person here," create good feelings between you and the
other party.
Criticize A Person At The Time Of The Act
The best time to criticize someone is right after the unfavorable
act is committed. If you are unable to correct a person's actions
as they are committed, do so later when you're alone with that
person and you can discuss the situation openly.
Begin With Sincere Praise And Admiration
Everyone needs recognition of their strong points, as well as
criticism of their faults. Begin your criticism by defining a
person's strengths. Let him know how he pleases you and how much
his actions mean to you. Then tell him that despite his strong
points, there is one behavior you think he ought to change. After
discussing his unfavorable behavior, end the conversation with
more praise and admiration for his strengths.
Give A Person Expectations To Live Up To, Not A Reputation To
Live Down
Always give people expectations to live up to, not negative
reputations to live down. This is an excellent way to motivate
people to work for you. Give people standards to work up to.
Establish high standards, and they will work up to them.
Constructively tell people what you know they can achieve. Your
confidence in them increases their confidence in themselves. The
expectations you place on others will be realized by them. If you
tell someone what you want him to do and then say, "I don't
know if you can do it," he probably won't do it. If you tell
him, "I know you can do it," he will live up to your
expectations. Here are some phrases you can use: "I know I
can count on you to do well because...", "I know you
can do a great job because you are so good at what you do."
An expectation with praise works wonderfully.
Don't Get Angry
Other people don't frustrate and anger you, you do that to
yourself. Losing your temper with another person will always hurt
you, not him. Anger and frustration will never solve your
problems, reasoning and logic will. Don't let personal feeling
and resentment get in your way.
Point Out A Person's Mistakes Indirectly
Don't point a finger at anyone or openly blame anyone for making
a mistake. Use vague questions to get the other person to tell
you what has happened and what they have done. This alleviates
any resentment they would feel if accusations were made
incorrectly. Don't make remarks about personal abilities,
intelligence, etc., even if the mistake was caused by the other
person. The technique for constructive questioning is covered in
a previous chapter.
Listen To The Other Person's Story
With a few good questions, the other person will tell you
everything you want to know. As the person is telling you his
side of the story, he will also realize what he has done. He will
be able to uncover the true cause for his mistakes. Once you and
he understand the true cause, a remedy can be sought.
Know Exactly What You Are Dealing With
Try to find out as much as you can about the situation. If you
are at fault, the other person may not know how to tell you. The
only way you will be able to solve a problem is if you know
exactly what has happened. Ask yourself questions, and see if you
can answer them. Put yourself in the other person's position and
visualize the situation from his point of view. Look at all of
the facts carefully and objectively.
Tell The Other Person What He Must Hear
Don't tell the other person what he wants to hear, tell him what
he must hear. If you think he should be told something, tell him.
When you tell someone what he must hear, tell it to him in a
positive, constructive way so that he will benefit from your
honesty.
Admit Your Mistakes
When you admit your own mistakes, people more readily accept you
pointing out their errors. Telling others that you have made the
same mistakes they have, and that you will help them by showing
them how you remedied similar situations, makes them feel better
about their own lot. Tell them, "I've made that same mistake
many times, I know how it feels. I'll show you how I solved the
same problem."
Make Them See The Problem Without Pointing The Finger
You don't have to point a finger at someone to get a problem
solved. Have a conference with the person with whom you are
experiencing problems. Tell him your problem without mentioning
any names or specifically saying who you are talking about. This
type of criticism is so indirect that, in many cases it alone
solves the problem. It causes the other person to realize the
problem and solve it for you.
How To Punish
You must only punish people to a degree relative to the
wrongdoing. If you go overboard, people you punish will resent
you. If you don't punish people for the wrong they do you, they
will take advantage of you. The best way to punish someone is to
have the other person set the punishment. Ask the other person
what should be done to him because of what he has done. Most of
the time, the person will give himself a more severe punishment
that you would have. In this case, lower the sentence. He will
look upon you favorably for it. If a person names a punishment
for himself that is too weak to suit his wrongdoing, say
"I'm sorry, but that is not what I had in mind. I think
that... is fair."
End Your Criticism With Praise And Admiration
It is important for a person to know that you are criticizing him
to help him. You must restore his self-esteem. When you've
finished your criticism, tell him how much you appreciate his
strong points.
Improving Other People's Actions
People increase or decrease their actions depending upon how
others react to them. Praise is a strong reward. The best way to
get people to do what you want them to is to praise them for
their progress. By rewarding them with praise for their
improvements, you will get better results from them.
Criticize Again, If Necessary
You may have to speak to a person more than once if there has
been very little improvement in his behavior. If you speak to him
a second time, you must be harder on him. If you have to speak to
him more that two or three times, you must review your
criticizing skills. Again, be sure that you don't criticize a
person for a behavior that he cannot change.
HOW TO DEAL WITH USELESS CRITICISM
Some criticism is in poor taste. We must often deal with
unconstructive criticism, such as, "You look terrible
today," or "You don't know anything, you idiot."
Don't let this type of criticism bother you. When you find
yourself faced with such useless criticism, follow these step:
Agree With The Facts
Carefully evaluate the criticism the other person presents you
with, and be sure to agree with him on the facts. In the above
examples you could reply., "I haven't been feeling too well
lately," and "No, I don't know much about this
subject." When you respond to the other person, answer only
to what he actually says, not what he implies.
Answer The Criticism
Stay calm and collected throughout the conversation. Don't lose
you temper. The only way you will feel degraded is if you take
criticism personally, and not constructively. Don't waste his
time and your emotions by reading more into his criticism than is
actually stated. By accepting criticism constructively, not
personally, you won't need to defend your pride or attack the
other person.
Accept Your Mistakes
If you make a mistake accept it, but don't feel guilty. If you
are in error, apologize sincerely and take any actions necessary
to remedy the situation. If you do this, there is no reason for a
teary, dramatic apology. Such scenes will only embarrass you more
and make the other person feel uncomfortable as well.
HOW TO GAIN THE MOST FROM CRITICISM
When you get constructive criticism, try to gain the most from
it. Constructive criticism is one of the best ways to mold
yourself into a better person. The following steps will show you
how to get the most from constructive criticism.
Ask For Feedback
Find out exactly what others object to about you. If someone
tells you that he doesn't like your behavior, find out exactly
what he doesn't like about it. Be very persistent, and insist
that he be explicit in his criticism. Ask the other person what
you can do to change the objectionable action in the future.
Vague criticism is worthless to you.
Use Deduction To Find Your Faults
If a person criticizes you vaguely, but can't bring himself to
tell you explicitly what he disapproves of, then consider faults
that others have criticized you for in the past. Often, the same
faults will displease different people. This may be the only way
to find out what displeases the other person.
Don't Be Defensive
If you act defensively, you will not be able to benefit from
constructive criticism. Don't be sarcastic or hostile toward the
other person. Remember that the other person is criticizing you
so that you can better yourself and your relationship with him.
HOW TO MEET PEOPLE AND MAKE FRIENDS
People enjoy the company of others, and everyone wants to meet
people with whom they can have close and lasting friendships.
Here are some steps to follow if you want to become more
successful at meeting and making friends:
Introduce Yourself
Let your prospect know who he is dealing with. Visualize him as a
friendly, considerate and kind person. Give him information that
will make him receptive to you. Make the information
benefit-oriented for him. Try phrases like, "I really like
that dress on you, it brings out your blue eyes," or,
"I overheard what you were saying, and I was really
fascinated by how much you know about..."
Ask Leading Questions
Ask the person you are talking to a leading question. A leading
question is one that provokes more of a response than a mere
"yes or "no" Here are some examples: "Do you
attend a lot of these charity balls?"; "How do you know
the host?"; "Do you work downtown, too? What do you
do?" The other person's responses to these leading questions
will let you know if he is interested in you or not. If you try
to sell yourself to the person immediately, you will get
resistance. If you push too hard or don't ask your leading
questions with true interest and sincerity, you will get negative
answers, and the conversation may quickly come to an end. Try to
make the person feel that you want his consent to expand on an
idea that may be of interest to him. What you actually want is
his consent to get to know him better. If the other person shows
interest in you and begins to communicate with you, feel free to
go a step further.
Open Yourself Up
Once the person opens up to you, you can begin to open yourself
up to him. You have his attention, and he is interested in you.
Once you feel comfortable in his presence, tell him your
strongest attributes are, the ones that will appeal to him most.
If you get a positive response, you have successfully sold
yourself to him. At this point, you can feel free to further
develop your new friendship. If the person is unresponsive, it
may be that you sound pompous and boastful to him. In this case,
you should lower your volume a bit and sound as humble and
sincere as possible.
How To Handle Negative Feedback
Be prepared for some objections from the other person in the
course of your conversation. Respond to each of his objections
and try to agree with some part of them. Don't linger or argue
over an objection, accept the other person's point of view
without forcing yours upon him. Make sure that his objection is
legitimate, not just an argumentative contest. First, agree that
you understand the other person's objection. Then ask the other
person if there are any other reasons for objecting to your
underlying reasons for his objections. For example, "Yes, I
can see why you feel that way, but I feel that..."
Winning The Battle
The final part is the easiest part of your whole selling
approach. At this point, give the other person a choice. Don't
give him a choice of whether to take you on or not, give him a
choice of how to take you on. "Do you have a pen, or would
you like to use mine to write down your phone number?"
Instead of saying, "Do you want to go out with me?"
say, "Would you rather go to a movie or out dancing?"
After you have gotten the other person to make some kind of
commitment, summarize the proposition and reward the other person
for accepting. An example of that is: "Thanks for giving me
your phone number. I'm really looking forward to Saturday
night."
CONCLUSION
Getting along better with others is a matter of choice. Follow
the principles outlined in this report and you will become a more
influential person. Not only will people be happy with you, but
you will be happy with yourself. Your choice to become a new
person will be one of the best you'll ever make. http://www.digiproducts.net/
© This article may be
re-published only in ezines, magazines, newspapers and web sites,
as long as it remains unchanged, together with the accompanying
signatures and this copyright notice.
Pierre du Plessis, owner of several businesses
and author of the ebooks titled "Easy Manage", which
empowers managers to put strategic goal achievement on
auto-pilot, "Leadership Development",
"Nettruth" and several others. Web site administrator
and owner of Management Haven, Leadership Haven, Easy Manage,
Training Tools, Digiproducts and Jungle Truth. Company: Leaders Circle,
specialising in corporate consulting and the design of training
manuals and lectures for the development of human resources. http://www.digiproducts.net