June hardly slept at all that night, a few minutes here and there. But mostly she stared at the ceiling, a sleeping Jim in her arms, his head firmly pressed against her chest his arms clutching at her waist. He held her so tightly, and he dreamt, she could tell. He would suddenly flinch against her, and she soothed him rubbing his back, a hand through his hair or against his arm. The early morning light was eerie, and unwanted. She dreaded what they would discuss tomorrow, what he would ask of her and how she would respond. How could she respond? He only needed to hear one little sentence � and then perhaps he would leave things for a while, let them settle down and allow her to have some space and lead the relationship on the way she wanted. Selfish yes, and perhaps a little manipulative but what she had confessed to him was true. She was scared, terrified in fact - of facing up to him, and where this was leading and most of all her own feelings. She hadn�t confessed undying love since she was in her twenties, and since then it had been a thought kept to herself, something burning beneath � something that if never spoken couldn�t hurt that much when it disappeared. Well that was what she�d always believed. But nobody had ever come close to shattering that pretence the way he had, nobody had ever known her so well or anticipated her every whim the way he did. He could cause her ire to rise with just a few words but then settle it again with one look. Those eyes, those kind - kind eyes. She shifted her head to the side a little to look down at him, still sleeping, still gripping hold of her. The early morning risers were starting cars outside and she could hear windscreens being scraped free of frost ready for the Sunday trip out. Jim moved slightly beside her, his hand loosened on her waist and she realised he was probably waking, she closed her eyes and kept her hands tight on his skin, it may have been at least 6.30 but she wasn�t ready to lose the contact quite yet. His head slid from off her chest; that weight suddenly gone and replaced by a rush of cool air as his body lifted up and moved to rest at her side. He was watching her, she could tell, she though of his eyes adjusting to the light, making out she lines on her face. She turned onto her side ready to bury herself against his chest but he took hold of her. �You think I don�t know you�ve hardly slept?� He whispered, so slightly, so breathy. His lips catching hers, and he kissed her, very gently and smoothly. She smiled, didn�t say a word, just rested herself back onto the pillow and breathed deeply. Finally sleep was creeping in.
The next time June woke she was alone in bed, she turned onto her side searching for a clock but could only see her watch on the cabinet at the other side of the room. After a few minutes of debating she finally pulled herself up, ran to retrieve the watch and climbed back in bed shivering. She became aware of the constant sound of rain as she pulled the sheets high up to her neck, just resting under her chin so she could still breathe. It was 9.30, no wonder he wasn�t here. He found it difficult to sleep in late, she on the other hand preferred nothing more than resting peacefully in bed on a Sunday morning, not rising until at least lunch and then having bagels and coffee and reading the papers, indulgent. She was hungry, not often she felt hungry as opposed to eating because it was simply that time of day. She listened out for movement in the house but heard nothing. Closing her eyes again she remembered the previous night�s argument, if they�d heard them arguing what would they think of her. How awful she was, a liar, wanting to keep a pretence going � god what had happened to her? There was a time she would have openly celebrated these feelings, been just like him � more than ready to pledge forever and enjoy the journey. How things change. The bedroom door opened and she looked up.
�Comfy?�
�Mmm, just about right.� She smiled snuggling down into the covers.
�You want some breakfast?�
�Sure � where is everyone?�
�Church.�
�Church?� She stared incredulously.
He nodded and came to sit next to her on the bed, brushing her leg through the sheets. �So tea or coffee?� He asked vacantly.
She took hold of his hand. �How are you this morning?�
�Tired� and a bit embarrassed. I went too far and I�m sorry.�
�I told you last night you have nothing to be sorry for, what you told me last night was the truth. We both said things that were a little too close to the surface and perhaps revealed more than we planned to but in the end maybe it really needed to be said.�
�I know, but I still feel like there�s more to be said, so much going on that�s screwing me up� like I just want to be with you all the time because I haven�t finished saying what needs to be said. Nothing life changing or meaningful just the ordinary things � wherever you are I should be there sharing in it. Isn�t that so ridiculous, so very childish.�
�No, not at all. I won�t lie to you Jim, at the beginning I was very freaked out by this whole thing. You�re so very attached, right from the start, we have one kiss and then bang you tell me you�re in love with me and I don�t know what to do with that� at least I didn�t know. And I�ve been trying my hardest to keep this under wraps, to see you and do things with you yet bottle the emotions and keep the intimacy below a certain level. But it hasn�t worked, because you still feel the same and I�ve only resulted in hurting you. Which I don�t want.� She smiled up at him warmly. �So what am I left with, just letting go of my fears and trying to be somewhat normal for you� is that what you need?�
He shook his head. �You could never be normal � neither of us can.�
She laughed. �Probably very true � where did you go this morning anyhow?�
�Back to the couch, I didn�t want them to suspect.�
�But I thought you��
�We�ll tell them another time, perhaps when I�m forced up here for my annual Christmas visit.�
�Thank you.� She squeezed his hand, truly grateful, if he�d really wanted to confess all she wouldn�t have objected � not now. But at the bottom of it all she really wasn�t quite ready to be on display.
He bent down and kissed her and this time she didn�t remain passive but kissed him back, drawing back the sheets and welcoming him into the bed. �When will they back?� She breathed against his hand, kissing his fingertips as his mouth moved down to her breasts. �Not til at least 11.� He responded, lifting up her top and taking it over her head. She brought his head back down to continue the kiss and his hands were fumbling with the top of her panties. She smiled as he slipped his fingers down and bit down gently on his lip.
�Careful dear � don�t want to leave scars.� He said warmly in response.
She giggled, lifting her hips slightly to allow him to slip them off and then letting him part her legs with his knee. She moaned as she felt his erection against her thigh and pushed at his shorts impatiently. �You�re sure they�re all out?� She mumbled.
�Yes, all of them.� He brought his head back up to look at her and brushed the stray hair from off her face. �You are very beautiful.�
She smiled, somehow whenever he said that she still doubted it and got embarrassed, but it was good to hear. She took his hand and kissed the palm, watching his face as she did and she remembered a conversation they�d had many years ago about loyalty. He did deserve it, no matter what she�d said back then. There was no kinder more decent human being in her life, and he deserved all her loyalty, all her devotion and complete attention. Jim allowed himself to be turned onto his back so she was on top, her mouth moving over his chest, her hands just grazing over his erection � teasing. He closed his eyes and smiled as she kissed her way up his neck. A rush of warmth ran up the length of his body and he felt so very undamaged, her touch seemed to erase all the wrongs he�d ever done, and the mistakes he�d made. She kissed his open mouth and he became suddenly aware of how deep his breathing had become, he said her name and felt her smile. She stopped kissing him and moved back slightly and he opened his eyes to watch her. Lifting herself up so she could manoeuvre on top of him steadily, lowering herself down until he was inside her, for a second they were still and so silent. Though Jim was sure he could hear his own heartbeat thumping in the stillness. Then she took both of his hands and folded her fingers with his and moved forward to kiss him until he groaned into her mouth. Then she pulled back and watched his eyes widen with complete adoration as she whispered. �How could you doubt this is love?�
I'd say love would keep us from pain
Had I been there, had I been there
I would promise you all of my life
But to lose you would cut like a knife
So I don't dare, no I don't dare
'Cause I've never come close in all of these years
You are the only one to stop my tears
And I'm so scared, I'm so scared
of this love....
