June didn�t like strange beds, the ongoing battle with unknown pillows and wayward sheets. She curled her knees up to her stomach and draped her arm over her waist. The unfamiliar shadows creeping along the wall, the smell of the bed not reassuring or comforting, she quickly closed her eyes in an attempt to block out what was really bothering her. It wasn�t the strange bed or the vacant room; it was the fact she was sleeping alone. In only a matter of weeks she had become so very used to having him there. Whatever position she lay in somehow his arms would always find their way around her body, his fingers slowly curving over a breast or across a thigh until they found their place around her waist. His head always leant so close to hers on the pillow � she�d hated it at first, the invasion of her privacy, her space. Sex was one thing but sharing the intimacy afterward, well that was quite another. But right now she would welcome it. Perhaps it was because of the fact she was in a strange place, perhaps it was down to the fact she�d spent the majority of the day watching a couple so openly in love celebrate that love. Share it with every other couple there, that dance at the end of the night, how�d he looked across at her so desperately seeking her attention, her involvement. Almost pleading with her to come across and just dance with him. Yet she couldn�t, so she looked away. And then watched as he�d retreated outside and she�d given him a few minutes before discreetly following him out, finding him hidden by the side of the building, chilled in the night air as he stared up at the sky. Not even a word just pushing him back against the wall and kissing him so warmly, so intensely he had moaned her name into the icy air. Then brushing his hand with her own and going back to the party. She�d expected that to cheer him up, to make up for her distant nature throughout the day, but he didn�t smile when he came back in, he didn�t seek out the company of his family or old friends. He rested himself by the bar sipping his water and staring into the glass and she couldn�t quite bring herself to face the fact that she was the cause of his unhappiness. She who he had given so much happiness too, so much of his kindness and complete affection and adoration. The man was head over heels, he would do anything she asked, fulfil any desire or run to the ends of the earth if she asked him to. And what did she give in return? What could she ever give him? She turned flat onto her back as a slice of light cut across the bed. It disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared and she could make out Jim�s figure coming towards her. She lifted herself up and leant back on her elbows. �What�s wrong?�
�We need to talk.�
�Now? It�s gone 2 in the morning.�
�I know, there are things I need to say, need to know�� He fumbled for his words like some gawky teenage boy almost terrified to be around her. She noted the shorts and thin t-shirt he had on. �It�s freezing,� she lifted the sheets. �Come on climb in.�
He did as she asked and lie down next to her closing his eyes. She leant over him, watching the tiredness cross his face, the dismay as her hand wandered up over his chest. She dipped her head and kissed his cold lips and he shrugged her off. �Don�t do that.�
�Why? Why are you so upset?�
�Because you don�t even know � you probably don�t even care.�
�Of course I do � Jim stop acting so over dramatic. Is this cause I didn�t dance with you?�
�Partly� partly because whatever this is, however much time we spend together and times we sleep together it will never be enough.�
�What do you mean not enough? What�s brought this on?�
�Being here with you, all my family, all the people who know so much about me don�t know the most important thing to happen to me in years��
She moved back from him and flopped down onto the pillow running her hand through her hair. �Jim I can�t be held responsible for that � you knew the rules before I agreed to this; you can�t suddenly back track. I knew it would be a bad idea to come.�
�How can you say that � how can you be so cold?�
�Cold? I�m not, I�m telling you the truth. How I see things, you were the one who pushed for this weekend away and you knew that I wasn�t ready to share this yet.�
�Until you�re sure it will last or until you get bored of me and push me away for good.� He was sat up now, looking down at her, breathing deeply, his heart pounding so hard he could hardly hear what he was saying. I love you so much June, I want you so badly, to be the one who�� he fumbled for his words again. �You never even tell me you care.� He blurted out.
She hid her face with her hand. �Oh Jim don�t do that��
�Do what? Make you face up to things � you wanna know the truth this is the truth, this is how I feel, this is what�s going on inside my head right now. So just tell me, just let me down if need be � if this is just some game to you, some fun then tell me.�
She turned over onto her stomach and hid her face in the pillow. �Please don�t do this to me Jim.�
�Fine.� He got out of the bed. �Fine, so there�s my answer right, you can�t even bear to look at me when we�re talking about something like this June. This isn�t a game, these are my feelings� and they�re real.�
She turned over to reply but he�d gone. A sudden rush of fear enveloped her and she shuddered and reached up to wipe her face � but she wasn�t even crying.
Jim was however; outside in the early morning autumn air. So fresh and clean and dragging out of him each shred of emotion. His flesh stung as the tears hit his frozen skin. He realised he was shivering, almost uncontrollably and for a split second he considered raiding his sister�s drinks cabinet. The same things were going over and over in his mind, she didn�t love you, and she never would. Same insecurities he�d always had, same fuck ups. Always went for the wrong woman, always gave them everything. Handed his heart and soul over on a plate and invariably they would end up breaking it. Some unreliable girl who didn�t realise the depth of his feelings, the sheer amount of love he had to give. His constant need for devotion and security � family life. So simple, so normal, so typical in everyday life yet he could never find it. He�d spent so many years alone now and suddenly to finally have June in his life, in the way he�d only ever imagined, and yet to know deep down he would never be enough for her. Well that was just typical of his life wasn�t it � complete shit!
A small hand slid over his shoulder and squeezed at the muscle, gentle yet firm and supportive. Like being right back at the bottom again and needing someone to drag him back to the light, would he ever escape this self-loathing? He didn�t turn round at the contact, didn�t even flinch at the touch. The warmth emanating from her fingertips felt good though, he reached up and wiped his face.
�I don�t mean to hurt you, you�re the last person in the world I would ever want to hurt Jim.�
�Don�t talk to me like some child, like a teenager with a crush.�
�I�m not, honestly. Please Jim you can�t keep taking everything I say as criticism or as a brush off. Turning things round in your head to support whatever drama it is you�ve created.�
Now he spun round. �Drama? What do you think this is some soap? It�s tearing me apart. You�re either here or you�re not.�
�For gods sake I�m here, I want to be here with you, I was enjoying it. I care so much��
�Oh please don�t flatter me.� He walked past her and into the kitchen.
Somehow the bright light bouncing off the pale yellow walls was an oddly inappropriate setting for the current discussion. She was angry and getting more so by the minute but she followed him in anyway. Slipping the door closed as quietly as possible, acutely aware of the rest of the sleeping household. She leant against the worktop and watched as he sat down, hunched over in the chair by the table.
�I can�t keep having half a relationship with you.� He whispered.
She bit down on her lip and watched him struggle with his emotions � and his words. �Why don�t you tell me all of it, all of whatever is going on in your head.� She finally replied.
�That I�ll never be enough, Tony was right I�ll only end up messing this up like I have everything else.�
�Oh Jim, that�s not true. Anyway forget Tony, what he thinks or doesn�t think has no bearings on our relationship � he certainly doesn�t influence how I feel about you.�
�I always fall so hard June.� He looked up at her. �You said it, I�m an open book right. Wear my heart on my sleeve; give too much too soon, like I am now. And it goes wrong and they leave me� so I am single, very single right.� He tried a weak smile.
She moved too sit across from him and took his hand. �No Jim, you�re not single. I know I�m no good at this but I�m afraid I�m not good enough for you either. You are so open, we�ve been friends for a long time and I know what you want, what you�re hopes have always been. This need to have a stable family life, a caring wife and a couple of kids. Just like every other normal family does. But neither of us fit that bill Jim, I�m far too independent. I�ve been alone for so long, I find it difficult to share the simple things with you � doing the shopping or washing the dishes. I find it odd to have to watch shows on TV I wouldn�t usually look at.� This time she smiled. �I�m stubborn, I�m usually too quick in my judgements and when I�m wrong I can never admit it. I talk to myself when I�m cooking dinner; I sing in the shower, I leave my clothes in a heap on the floor when I get into bed. I hardly ever eat properly and I�m no good at telling you how I feel.� She squeezed his hand. �But believe me when I tell you this isn�t a game to me. I�m scared Jim, I�m scared of what�s happening between us � of how this feeling keeps growing and I�m becoming more and more attached. It�s never lasted before so why should this time be any different � that�s what�s going on in my head. We both have our demons.�
�I know. I realise that.�
�Please stop feeling like it�s all on you � we�re both in this.�
�I get so sick of hiding it.� He snapped.
�I know that � but I need time, I need space. I�m just not ready to be the centre of attention, to have it analysed and pulled apart, I just want to enjoy it.�
He looked down at the table and grimaced.
�I�m sorry Jim but you told me how you feel and this is how I feel � I�m trying so hard here� what more can I say to you? I�m not going to walk away, I�m not going to give up at the first sign of trouble but I�m just not ready to rush through all this � can�t we just work through it slowly? Why does it have to be so very pivotal that right now, right here you introduce me to your family as your lover?�
�Because you�re more than that. At least I think of you as being more than that. But then perhaps with this being all about enjoyment its just sex to you��
She wanted to slap him, to bring him back to reality. �No.� Was all she whispered. �No, that�s not what this is about at all.� She sat back calmly in her chair. �You think I�d even consider sleeping with you if I didn�t care. I thought you knew me better, I learnt many years ago that a relationship and sex are two very different things.�
�I�m sorry.� He muttered, barely audible.
�Don�t say that, you haven�t done anything wrong. We�re sharing feelings here aren�t we, you�re telling me your truths I�m telling you mine. If we�re ever going to get anywhere we have to learn to take the bitter and the sweet.�
He got up and stretched his arms. �This isn�t going to be better after one night�s conversation.�
�I know, but I don�t want to go to bed on bad feeling Jim. I�ll never sleep and we have a long drive tomorrow.�
He smiled and watched as she got up from her chair and moved towards him. �We can talk more tomorrow, you can even shout at me if you feel the need to.�
�I�m not a shouting type person.�
�I know � and it�s damn irritating because I am, when I get started.�
�Oh I know that.� She pressed herself against him and touched his face; instinctively his hands wound themselves around her waist. The shape of her body he�d got to know so well, yet the pleasure, the intense pleasure he felt just at having her so close was still there. She brought his arms round her to hold him close. �I wish I could make everything better just like that Jim, I really wish I could.�
He breathed in the scent of her skin, closed his eyes and let the rush of emotion sweep through him, the pain and the rawness and yet beneath it all � after all they�d said tonight she was in his arms and the core of his feelings for her remained unchanged. �I love you.� He said against her shoulder as she cradled him. Just like a child, always running back for more.
