*written before we found out what happened!*
June has returned from her cruise and is back working in CSU. Jim has been avoiding her and has not told her about his new relationship with Marie. Polly took June aside and broke the news to her. Later June confronts Jim in the interview room�
"Has it come to this - you can't even talk to me?"
"June I�" He sighed loudly.
"I thought at the very least we could be friends!"
"We are friends� aren't we?"
"Friends talk to each other, and they're honest with each other. Friends don't keep each other in the dark and the certainly don't HURT each other this badly!" June shouted, shoving Jim in the chest.
"June please, I wanted to tell you� just couldn't find the right time."
"So you let me go on thinking..." She crossed her arms across her chest and slumped down into a chair. "I must be a fool."
He crossed the room to stand in front of her. "The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you."
She jerked away from him. "Get away from me." She yelled turning away.
"Fine I'll walk out right now..." He moved round to stand in front of her once more. "But I don't want to leave it like this - I can't... I still care about you June."
"Well you've got a funny way of showing it! You know who cares about me? Do you? Polly. That's who CARES. She cared enough to tell me about this... woman... this woman you're in LOVE with."
"She had no right to tell you. She knew I wanted to tell you, to explain things..."
"Jim, I've been back a week." She glared at him accusingly.
"Every time I tried you were too busy." He hung his head.
"You didn't try hard enough. You could have waited until after the shift, you could have come round to mine. You didn't tell me because you were too scared."
"I was scared, I'll admit that." He sighed. "But only because I don't want to lose you as a friend."
"If we were such good friends you would have known that I would have understood. Jim, I didn't know, when I left, where we stood, and I decided, while I was away� that... if moving on was what would make you happy then I could accept that. What I can't accept is you not being honest with me."
"I didn't mean for any of this to happen - I was as surprised as you but it did... and..."
"So... you love her? You're happy with her?"
He sighed and looked away. "Yes... I think I am."
"You think?" Despite herself, June put her hand on his arm and ran it down.
"I'm as sure as I can be at the moment." He looked up at her.
"You're never really sure of anything though, are you?" June looked deep into his eyes. "You were sure of us."
"I'm never 100% sure of anything - I just know how I feel at any give moment... and right now... with Marie I'm happy."
"Then I'm..." She reached his hand, squeezed it. "I'm..." She looked up at him. "No, I'm sorry Jim, I can't do this." She stood, pushed past him and ran out through the door.
He stood there for a moment, pondering, before running out after her. In the corridor he ran straight into Polly who glared at him. "What 'ave you done to 'er now?!" She snapped.
"You had to go and tell her didn't you?"
"Well somebody 'ad to! She just run out of here crying her eyes out Jim!"
"I wanted to tell her in my own time... you can blame yourself as much as me for the state she's in right now."
"No - she thanked me for telling her. This is YOUR screw up. Now, if you want to do something for her, go and find her and tell her you're sorry." Polly looked away, shook her head. "No - tell her you love her. Because we all know you do!"
"I'm going to find her, someone has to sort this mess out." He stomped off down the corridor.
He stopped outside the ladies toilets, and slowly eased the door open. He saw June standing by the sinks, regarding her reflection in the mirror as her tears and mascara rolled down her face. "Get out." She growled to his reflection.
"June please... at least listen to what I have to say. I can't bear to see you like this."
"What is there to say, Jim? You know, I blame myself for this. I should never have given in to you."
"What we had... was special. I won't deny that, I wouldn't change it for the world. But things happen June..." He stepped inside the toilets and closed the door behind him.
"What happened? You never really told me, Jim. What happened - and be honest. If you fell out of love with me, or... if I did something wrong..."
"I still love you June - I've loved you since the day I met you but you and me together... it didn't work did it?"
"It worked for me, Jim. I have never... ever felt for another man the way I felt for you."
"I didn't mean to break your heart." He looked away sadly.
"You didn't mean to hurt me, you didn't mean to break my heart...well you did. I have never felt so much pain. And even thinking of you with another woman, I..." She stopped, clutched her arms to her chest. "Jim, just go, I can't stand to have you near me."
"June..." he turned to her his eyes filled with tears. "Being with you was the best few months of my life... I can't leave you like this now."
"But... I... can't do this. I cant come in here and see you and work with you every day and pretend to be your friend and ask you how the girlfriend is... I... one of us is going to have to..." Her last words were mumbled, she looked down and away.
"Going to have to what June?"
"Maybe you should go back to uniform. Or maybe I should leave. Get a transfer."
"You can't do that. Sun Hill is your life. You've always been here. Please June." He begged. "I need you as a friend..."
"I can't! I just can't DO that!" She turned away from him, wiping frantically at her face. "I cant be close to you, and feel you, and... smell you... and touch you without... Jim Carver, you're my life don't you understand that?"
"Then I'll leave Sun Hill - you've deserve to stay here - I've got lost the two best friends I had over this..." He turned away.
"No, Jim, don't leave me... Jim..." She grabbed his hand, turned him around. "Jim, please don't..." She put her hand to his face, then leaned in and kissed him.
"June..." he pulled away shocked. "What are you doing?"
"You really don't love me, do you?" She pulled away. "Here I am, feeling this for you and you just don't care, do you? What was I, just another conquest?" Again she pushed past him. "I told you, Jim, if you screwed up in ANY way in the CSU you'd be out." She glared at him, shaking. "Well, you're out."
"June please." He sniffed loudly. "You know I love you... I just can't be with you�"
"Fine. Fine." She nodded. "If that's what you want, then..." She looked up at him, suddenly all professional. "Clear your desk. I'll clear your transfer with Inspector Gold."
"Is this revenge?"
"You can't have everything your way, Jim." June swivelled and left the room.
Jim stood there watching her as she left, a look of horror on his face.
***
Later that evening Jim and Marie are sitting watching TV at her house. There is nothing much on, and Marie is running her fingers up and down his chest, looking up at him expectantly. Jim looks away and moves further away from her.
Marie turned to look at him. "What is it Jim?"
"Nothing, I'm just tired." He found a football match on the telly and turned the sound up higher.
"You know I hate football." She groaned, settling down on his chest again.
"Yeah... sorry." He switched the TV off and lobbed the remote at the coffee table. It missed and fell to the floor.
"Careful... now are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
"There is nothing wrong." Tears sprung to his eyes and he tried to turn away so she didn't notice.
"Jim� Jim... look at me." She reached out and turned his face to hers.
Jim looked up at her. He looked into her deep brown eyes, then shook his head. "I should go home." He pulled away and stood up.
"Don't leave like this - talk to me, tell me what's wrong."
"It's work - you wouldn't be interested."
"I'm asking aren't I? If it upsets you, it upsets me and I want to help you."
"I... I've lost my job... in the CSU."
"What?" She looked shocked. "I've seen how you work, how could you lose your job. You're everything CSU needs... and more."
"Tell that to my Sergeant."
"She's sacked you? Why?"
"I... I don't know. She never wanted me in there in the first place."
"I don't believe that for a minute - you're a natural."
"She blocked my application. Said I was needed in uniform." He shook his head. "She took a lot of... persuading."
"Persuading?" Marie crinkled her brow. "What do you mean?"
"I... nothing. I..." He placed his hand to his forehead. "You don't need to know all this. Sergeant Ackland and I... there's a clash of personalities."
"Ahh I understand, but why suddenly sack you now after all this time. Was it something you did?"
"Not that I'm aware of. She didn't..." Jim deliberately looked away. "She didn't give me a reason."
"Well surely you can complain then? I mean what are you meant to do find another job at another station?"
"I'm being transferred back into uniform. Back on shifts. It could... make things difficult, with us."
"We can make things work. Trust me, as long as I get to see you everything will be OK. Now come and sit down again." She patted the cushion beside her.
He sat, but perched on the edge of the sofa as if any moment he would stand again. "Yeah... I'll be alright... uniform's not that bad."
"You were in uniform for a long time Jim, you'll settle back in soon enough. You're not going to complain for unfair dismissal then?" She reached out and rested her hand on his arm.
"No. Definitely not. I've known Ju... Sergeant Ackland for a long time, and..." He sighed. "I can't do it."
"Well knowing you a long time didn't stop her sacking you. You're too loyal you know Jim Carver."
"She's well respected at the nick. Well... loved."
"And so are you."
"No, I'm not. Not any more." He sucked in a deep breath, sat back into the sofa.
"What do you mean?"
"I had... a problem, a few years ago... I lost a lot of trust and respect. Some of them have never let me forget it."
She turned to look at him again. "Jim there's more to his than what you are telling me isn't there?"
"More to what?" He sat up again, his body language defensive.
"There's something big... you can't deny it Jim. I can tell there's something but you're not going to tell me are you." She sighed. "Don't you trust me?"
"Of course I do. I'm just scared. Marie - there is so much about me that you don't know."
"And I won't know unless you tell me..."
"Marie... I... I maybe should have told you this earlier but I am... I'm an alcoholic."
"But you're dealing with it right - I mean I've never seen you drink."
"I've been sober for..." He paused for a moment. "Five weeks. This time."
"So just before we met then." She looked at him seriously. "Do you want to talk about things?"
"What things?"
"Anything... I can see something's hurting you and I want to help you... but I can't unless you open up to me."
"Trust me, you don't want me to tell you about this."
"Jim..." She said warily. "Is this to do with your drinking, or why you lost your job or... are they both connected?"
"It's all connected, but I can't talk to you about it. I don't want to... hurt you." His words tailed off as he remembered saying the exact same thing to June just hours earlier.
"Hurt me? Jim is this because of you and me. Did someone find out about us sleeping together when you were assigned to me? Did you get sacked because of me?"
"No. No� nobody knows, except... Des." Jim rolled his eyes. "You know, I shouldn't have come here tonight, I've got things I need to work out." Again he stood, walked to the door of the living room.
"So you do have someone to confide in? This Des person. Bottling things up doesn't help Jim - you taught me that with everything that happened with Sonia. Let me do something for you in return... let me help you."
"You can't help me with this. And Des... yeah, I can confide in him but he's not exactly full of good advice. This is something I need to work out on my own."
"Well if that's how you feel - I can't force you Jim. But I'm here if you need me."
"I do need you..." He looked at her with damp grey eyes. "But it's just not that simple."
She sighed. "I get the idea you want to tell me - but I'm not going to keep pestering you til you do. It's up to you Jim."
"It's... about Sergeant Ackland. All of this comes back to her."
"I thought there was something with her. Has she got it in for you?"
"Marie, if I tell you this... look, you might get hurt, are you prepared for that?"
"We can't have a relationship built on secrets Jim. I can take it, whatever it is..."
"Sergeant Ackland and I... we've known each other for twenty years. Almost to the day..." Jim started.
"Really, so you're good friends then... or were. She wouldn't sack a friend surely."
"We were friends. For a long, long time we were friends." He shrugged. "Best friends really."
"But...?"
"Last year... I started thinking - hoping... that there might be something more." He stepped back into the room, sat back on the sofa.
"And? She turned you down... or is this going where I think it's going?"
"At first she turned me down. But then..." He rolled his eyes, looked away.
"Jim?"
"We... well, I can't really say we started going out, because we didn't...go out, not really. We had one semi date, then... we slept together... and..."
"You make a habit of sleeping with women after a first semi date then." She forced a smile. "But there's more?"
"I don't know what I expected really. I certainly didn't expect to... it just became so deep so fast. She was devoted to me... she... we talked about marriage... I'd never been in a relationship like that before."
"It ended badly I take it. Did she hurt you Jim?"
"No... anything but. You know how it ended? It ended when she proposed to me."
"You turned her down?"
"Yeah." Jim shook his head. "I turned her down and acted like a big kid, and... I could have handled things better but I just lost it, I..." Tears began to flow down his cheeks and he wiped at them with the back of his hand.
Marie shuffled along the sofa and wrapped her arms around Jim. "And this is connected to your drinking?"
"I fell off the wagon two days after we split up." He smiled wryly through his tears. "Fell pretty hard too."
Marie froze. "You split with the woman you loved five weeks ago?"
Jim looked up at her, realising what he'd just revealed. "Yeah."
Marie looked away. A few moments later she turned back to him, tears in her eyes. "Jim... be honest with me. Do I mean anything to you or am I just filling a gap in your life? You still love her don't you?"
"You mean a lot to me, Marie. You have to believe that." He put his hands on her upper arms.
She shrugged away from him. "But she means more to you."
"We've just got so much history. I know her, she knows me..."
"And I'm just your rebound woman?" She stood up and glared at him.
"NO!" Jim shouted, standing to meet her. "I do love you!"
"But you still love her, right?" She turned away from him.
"I wish I didn't." He looked down at the ground. "For your sake I wish I didn't."
"But you do..."
Closing his eyes, and seeing before them June's face, he nodded slowly. "Yes."
"I think you need time to get your head together Jim - this isn't fair on you, me or June." She looked up at him, tears running down her face. "I knew we shouldn't have got together but I thought you were different..."
"I am...."
"Same as all the other bloody men I've met."
"No, I'm not. Marie, if this was any other time..."
"But it's not is it Jim..." Her voice cracked. "We're together now, but in your head you're with June. I can't live like that - how am I supposed to know who you are thinking of at any given moment?"
"I don't know. You don't deserve this."
"You got that one right. Jim you need to sort yourself out - if you want June who am I to stop you? Go and tell her."
"It's too late..."
"What do you mean too late. You've been friends all this time. Why did she sack you anyway? You've told me everything else."
"She... can't bear working with me any more. She doesn't even want to be in the same room as me."
"I know how that one feels." Marie scoffed.
"I... I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too Jim. Any other time this would have worked, but right now you've got too much baggage. You need to sort things out."
"And if I do... and if I decide that the thing with June is over..."
"I don't think it is though is it Jim?"
"I... don't know." He looked up to her, meeting her eyes. "I'd better go."
"I think you should." She wiped her eyes. "Let me know if you make a decision. I'm not promising anything though."
"I'm so..." He stopped as Marie glanced up to him. "Goodbye." Jim walked up the hall to the door and let himself out. Marie followed and watched him reach the gate, then moved to watch him walk away down the road. As he got to the end of the road he reached a pub, where he stopped. He looked up at the sign, then down to the ground, then he shook his head and walked in.
***
June was working late at her desk in CSU. She was interrupted by the phone...
"CSU, Sergeant Ackland"
"Erm hi, this is Marie Graham."
June was tempted to slam the phone down. Instead she gritted her teeth. "PC Carver isn't here."
"I know he's not there, he's just left my place..."
"And I need to know this... why?"
"Erm I think you should know, he left here in quite a state and I think... I saw him go into the pub down the round from me."
June's heart leapt into her throat. Then she shook her head angrily. "I don't care what he does."
"I think you do. It's not easy to say this you know." She paused as her voice faltered. "I've just broken up with him... he...he... he just told me about you and he's still in love with you."
"He's had his chances." June snapped, though her stomach was churning.
"He told me everything Sergeant Ackland... I broke up with him because I know I can't compete with the depth of feeling he still has for you. And now he's drowning his sorrows in a pub. He told me about his drink problem by the way."
"It doesn't make any difference. I can't do this again."
"He needs you."
"Just this morning he told me he loved you."
"He told me that too, but I could tell he didn't know what he was saying. I saw the change in him when you came into conversation."
"He's hurt me a lot, you have to understand that. I've got nothing against you personally, Marie, believe that... and I just want Jim to be happy... I told him as much."
"We both should hate each other I guess." Marie laughed cynically. "But right now he needs someone and I think that someone is you. If I go to him... I'll only end up getting hurt more... and after everything I've been through I don't know...." She gulped down a sob.
"Alright... which pub?" June asked, cursing herself as she did so.
"The Red Lion just off the main road through Canley. I'm sure you know it - there's always something going off in there."
"I know it. Th... thank you." June put down the phone, closed her eyes and sighed, then collected her jacket and left.
***
The pub was typically noisy as June arrived. She looked around, and saw Jim over in a corner on his own, nursing a glass of.... she squinted but couldn't see what it was he was drinking. He looked up and caught her looking, made to move, then sagged and stayed. She marched over to him. "I've just had a phone call telling me you were here."
"Marie?"
"Who else. She was in tears too. You're doing well on that front today Jim."
"You didn't have to come here you know."
She looked at him and sighed. "And let you get drunk again?" She picked up his glass and sniffed it. "So what are you on this time?"
"Mineral water." He snapped. "Taste it, go on!"
"I'll trust what you say... for once." She muttered.
"Then there's no reason to worry. No reason for you to even be here, Sergeant Ackland."
"Fine if you want me to leave I'll leave."
"You know what I want? You know what I want, June - I want my best friend back. I want everything to go back to the way it used to be. Before I hurt you."
"I never went anywhere Jim." She said softly. "It was you that decided everything had to change. I begged you for your friendship this morning but you weren't having any of it. What's changed? Is all this because Marie dumped you?"
"No. This... started the moment I split up with you. The regrets. The confusion. The.... damning myself for being so stupid, so stubborn."
"You always were stubborn..."
"I know. One of my many faults." He shrugged, sipped his water.
"I loved you Jim, faults and all. I told you all this, this morning and you still rejected me - what's changed in these last few hours."
"You know... sometimes... you have all this stuff going on in your head, but none of it is... real until you talk it over with someone else... when you hear yourself saying the words..."
"What words Jim." She sat down heavily on the seat opposite him.
"The words...like I still love you." He scrunched up his face and looked out of the window. "They were always there... but Marie... she knew, she could tell... and if it was that obvious to her... what I was feeling... it must have been real. I wasn't confused at all, it was there all the time."
"But this morning you couldn't be with me. Had that changed too?"
"I couldn't kiss you because I was scared. Whatever I do, June, I hurt someone. If I'd kissed you, if we'd gone back there... Marie would have been devastated. You have to understand I do care for her... love her I suppose."
"And now... Now she's finished with you?"
"I still care. I feel... sad that it's over. But... I know it's for the best. For Marie, and me...."
"And what about me?" June looked at him through damp eyes.
"What about you? How could you ever...?" He shook his head. "You were right, chucking me out of the CSU, June, things are never going to be the same again, no matter how much I... we... might want them to be."
"We can try Jim. I haven't spoken to Inspector Gold yet." She reached out to him, placing her hand on top of his. "Can we try again?"
"Try what again?" Jim whispered.
"Us?"
"Why do you want me? Why did you ever want me?"
"I love you Jim. I loved the young innocent Jim that first came to Sun Hill, I loved the cynical man that years on the beat and in CID turned him into, the caring Jim that's in CSU. You're my best friend Jim."
"And you're mine. I'm so sorry June. Splitting up, it was all my fault. I always thought you never listened to how I felt, but I realise it was because I never told you."
"You have to learn to share Jim. We can only work if we share things. Bottling things up never does anyone any good."
"My family weren't much up on emotions." Jim shrugged. "You learn to be that way."
"I know, I know." She rubbed his arm gently. "I'm not the best on sharing emotions either am I? But we can do this Jim - if anyone can make it work it's us. But we have to take it slowly this time."
"Yeah. We kind of jumped in at the deep end, didn't we."
"We did - you never heard me complain though did you?" She laughed. "I was as involved in jumping in the deep end as you were."
"You know me and water. You're right. Maybe we should just� date... for a while. Not put any pressure on each other, just try to have fun."
"Go back to being best friends and take it from there?"
"You mean put all the bad stuff behind us and carry on from where we left off?" Jim smiled.
"Not quite - I'm not jumping straight back into bed with you."
"I wouldn't expect you to." Jim reached for her hand. "Let's go back to this moment..." He sucked in a breath. "I love you."
"And I'll get it right this time too, no putting it off." She looked up and him and grinned. "And I love you Jim Carver."
"I'm just so sor..."
"Stop apologising..." She smiled.
"Then stop me." Jim moved closer to her, looked deep into her eyes.
"And how would I do that?" She looked at him coyly.
"Like this." He leant in and kissed her gently.
She leant forward and met him halfway, softly returning his kiss as she wrapped her arms around him.
Back to Homepage Review Back to Stories
