Just a view on what could happen with the whole Jim/June and the
dreaded M woman ((the one whose name i shall not speak!!))
Oh God what�s happened to me?? What have I become?
Some hopeless, selfish woman.
A heartbroken fool holding onto the last throes of romance.
And I can�t let go; Lord knows I�ve tried to.
I just can�t stop it, I can�t turn it off � I�m not even sure if I want to, as wrong as this is.
I don�t even know if I�m feeling right now, if this is reality or some memory of how it was.
Creeping up on me, taking over me until I�m screaming all over again.
Some flimsy revival of how it used to be.
An inadequate restaging of what we had.
But I can�t say no, I can�t resist it.
I�ve been here before. You know that right.
All those years ago� HAH! And a mistake that was. Never again.
I swore that to myself, never again, I would never sacrifice complete happiness for adultery.
And that�s what this is. There�s no skating around the issue.
Adultery. No more lying to myself.
Every time he touches me now it�s wrong.
Every time he kisses me, says my name in the wrong way.
Stares at my chest during conversation.
Gazes a little too long at my hips as I walk away.
When he tells me he loves me.
Even now, even now as I�m lying here with him above me, inside of me, sharing with me that love it�s all wrong.
And I�m dirty for it. A whore. A home-wrecker.
A sad desperate middle-aged woman whose breasts have dropped and skin has sagged and I�m clinging onto the idea that somehow this is meaningful.
How can fucking me then going home to his wife be meaningful?
I ask again � what kind of idiot have I become??
If I opened my eyes I could see what this meant to him.
If I gripped his arm he would stop.
If I threw him off and shouted and screamed he would never return.
So I keep this up, I close my eyes and make-believe that we�re making love. That this is a proper relationship, that he�s really here.
Somehow we could be right back there after our first date, exploring for the first time.
Or after I confessed my love, that very first time, how he touched me that night.
Or I could really let my mind go completely and we could be married. That the ceremony I witnessed only a month ago was ours and now we�re still in the sweet delight of honeymoon and wedded bliss. That he�s mine.
But he�s not.
And that�s something I can�t get my head round.
You see I give him everything, or I would if he let me. Anything he wanted I would do.
Any request. And that�s so god damn weak of me, so clich�d.
Bloody men, bloody man should I say. I hate him so much for what he�s done, for ruining us.
For replacing me with a snap of his fingers, something easier & simple & clean-cut.
And I�m not, I�m difficult and messy and we have so much baggage there.
So much history, and that is something he can�t get his head round.
I think he likes it being simple, likes the idea of domestic life where he no longer has to work at making a relationship tick along nicely, at the moment it just is for him.
Or should I say it was, because if he was so very happy with her then why did he come back to me?
Why is he here with me now, risking everything for a few hours, if he didn�t still care?
He�s selfish too. He wants it all. And at the moment I�m allowing him to have it.
He�s gripping my hand, I tilt my head back and allow him to kiss my neck, he says there�s something about my scent.
Do you think he really means it? I mean cheating husbands say it all the time, I love you, it�s just a term for them, an open invitation to bed.
But surely this is different, surely after all we�ve been through this is more than physical.
I need to be with him, I can�t stand not to.
Does he feel the same or is he using my feelings, my vulnerability, to get what he wants??
Oh, I can�t think about it now, I can�t care, I don�t care.
He�s warming me and all I can hear is a ringing in my ears & the sound of my own name coming from his lips.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
And I can�t stop this; lord knows I�ve tried to.
God knows sometimes I want to.
He�s part of me.
I won�t let him go.
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