Part Three � As June stands by a rapidly ailing Jim, she risks losing the friendship and respect of her colleagues � as well as her job. Will it all be worth it, or has Jim�s grip on sanity weakened too far?
WARNING: Angst/ sexual violence/bad language
***
�I�m sorry, June, but I don�t think I can let you do this.� Jack Meadows looked up at her from behind his desk, watching her pace. She had entered the office a few moments earlier, obviously agitated, her face still wet with tears and had filled Jack in on the situation at hand.
�Well, I�m sorry but I have to.� June finally came to a temporary halt by his desk, spreading her hands wide in front of her. �You know as well as I do where�you saw what happened last time.�
�I did. June, I have to be honest with you, I know you have feelings for Jim but�since everything that happened back then I haven�t been able to trust him. I try, but�� Jack shook his head. �Jim is unreliable � alright, through no fault of his own, but his unreliability stems from this apparent vulnerability to depression. It may sound harsh but we don�t need people like him in the service.�
�Are you saying Jim is weak?� June leant forward, her brown eyes turning into chunks of ice as she stared down at him.
�I�m not saying he�s weak, I�m saying he�s� inherently sensitive.�
�Yes. He is. You�re right, maybe he�s not ideal copper material. Maybe be does care too much�.but�Sir, he needs our support. Depression is an illness, like cancer, or heart disease�you�d back him if he was suffering either of those, wouldn�t you?�
�I never said I wasn�t intending to support him, or to help in anyway I can. It�s just that I don�t believe that you leaving the CSU without a Sergeant for an indefinite amount of time is going to help!�
�I don�t�� June set her jaw, determined in her course of action. �Right now, the CSU is the last thing on my mind. You can get relief cover, Sir. Jim� Jim doesn�t have anybody else.�
Jack sighed a long, deep sigh. He looked down, away from her intense gaze for a moment. Then, looking back up, he nodded.
�Take as long as you need. But June� do not let him drag you down with him.�
�I won�t. Because he�s not going anywhere.� June pivoted on the spot, and without another word, left the room.
***
She rapped on the door of the surgeon�s room, expecting a come in, so was surprised when the FME � Jane Harrison � a woman in her early thirties who had over the past few weeks had become a personal friend of them both, opened the door and stepped outside, shutting it hurriedly behind her.
�June��
�Is Jim alright?�
�Well�� Jane placed her hand on June�s arm and manouvered June away from the door. �His nose at least is fine. It�ll be sore for a few days but it�s not broken.� She received no response from June, who gazed up at her biting her lip, waiting for an answer she could not bring herself to ask. �June, he hasn�t said a word to me. He�s�it�s like he�s distracted, and his eyes�they can�t sit still.�
�It�maybe it�s the adrenalin��
�Maybe. But there are other things, he flinched when I went to touch him, I asked him a question and when he looked at me��
�You saw�a certain wildness?�
�Well�that�s a good a way as any to describe it. It was like confusion, anger�and fear�all rolled into one. I have to say that it quite disturbed me.�
June leant against the wall and crossed her arms across her chest, breathing deeply. �He�s got a history of depression. The expression you�ve just described � I�ve seen it before. During the period when he was�� She placed the heel of her hand to her forehead, closing her eyes. �He was�is�an alcoholic�he�he�s told me since it was a slow, sure way of�� She moved her arm back down, swallowed frantically. �He wanted to kill himself.�
�How long ago was this?�
�Three years? Three and a half��
�Was he on medication?�
�I�don�t know. He hasn�t been as long as we�ve been together � at least a year. But he�s been fine, Jane. Absolutely fine. He�s had his moments, but�� She shrugged helplessly. �Don�t we all?�
�So�is there anything you believe may have triggered a recurrence � I mean � things are alright between the two of you?�
�Up until yesterday, everything was perfect. He�� June looked around herself, making sure there was no-one nearby, then stepped in closer to Jane, lowering her voice. �Last night�he couldn�t get an erection.�
�That could either be a cause or a symptom.� Jane gestured towards the empty detention room behind them, the two women stepped in and June pushed the door to. �There have been no problems before?�
�No. None. Jim and I lead a very�active�sex life. Time was�� She shook her head, almost laughed at herself. �But things change��
�Have you settled in to a more�routine�sex life?�
�You mean Saturday mornings and maybe one evening during the week after cocoa and biscuits? No. We still�� June was suddenly overcome by a massive sob which shook her entire body. �Up until yesterday we were still quite capable of screwing each other senseless in our lunch break�� She wiped at tears which were coursing down her face. �I�m sorry�I��
�Shh�.� Jane reached into her pocket for a tissue. �I have to ask you these questions�June�was Jim fine up until the time he failed to become aroused, or did it start before?�
�It was�.before. We were out on a routine call and he�I don�t know, he was acting oddly�like�like he was terrified of something. And then�he just disappeared, he�� She blew air out of her mouth, slowly, deliberately. �He said it was nothing.�
�And you can�t think of anything��
�Nothing. It was a routine call, like I said. Do you think � could something have triggered his depression? Like�I�ve heard smells, or sights can��
�It�s possible.� Jane nodded, contemplated something for a moment. �OK. I�m going to sign Jim off sick for at least two weeks. And I want him to see a counsellor.�
�He�s already got one � Kate�somebody��
�Kate Matthews?� June nodded. �I know her, she�s good. I�ll call her and see if she can fit Jim in as an emergency, alright? If we can nip this thing in the bud, it�ll be better for both of you.�
�Thank you�� June managed a smile, stepped forward and pressed a hand to Jane�s arm. �Look, is there anything I can do��
�Of course there is.�
�What?�
�Just love him.� Jane returned June�s smile. �It could prove to be the best medicine.�
***
Jim was silent for the whole of the journey home in the car, and June didn�t attempt to get him to talk. Just at this moment she simply did not know what to say, what words may be of comfort, or what words may inflame him. Her mind was whirling, the events of the day repeating themselves over and over in her brain, the mixed emotions confusing her and leaving her almost permanently on the edge of tears. As she glanced over to him as she pulled up outside their house, she noted that he had fallen asleep, and she simply sat and watched for a moment. He was so peaceful, until�
Slight, twitchy, involuntary movements began to overtake his being. Sweat began to bead onto his brow and she knew immediately that he was dreaming. And whatever he was dreaming was far from being good. Instinctively, she reached out to him, took his arm and shook it hard. �Jim. JIM!� He snapped awake. He stared at her for a moment, lost and confused, then, slowly, another expression began to take over it � was it relief?
�We�re home.�
***
�Go and sit down, I�ll make you a coffee.� June gestured into the lounge before heading to the kitchen. As she waited for the kettle to boil she made a valiant attempt to gather her emotions, and to restore herself something resembling control. Jim seemed a little more responsive now, a little more alert, and she hoped � prayed � she could use this small window of opportunity to put Jane�s suggestions across, to try, somehow, to make him see sense.
Carefully carrying the two mugs into the lounge, she found Jim on the sofa, turned away from her, bending slightly forward. She dropped the two mugs on the sideboard and approached him. Jim was holding his hand in front of him, and it was taking up every bit of his attention � at least as the drops of blood fell onto his palm, adding to an already substantial red stain.
�Oh�Jim�� June looked around for a box of tissues, located them by the television and pulled a handful out in one go. �Come here�� Sitting beside him, she held the tissues to his nose, while applying pressure to the bridge. After a few moments, the flow of blood dried and she threw the soaked tissues aside, taking the blood-covered hand in her own. �Jim�I need you to listen to me.�
Slowly, he looked up to her.
�If you think I�m mad at you for what happened today, you�re right, in a way, I am. You should never have�� She shook her head. �Nobody else understands why I�m sticking up for you, you know. They seem to think�that you�ve finally done it, you�ve flipped, lost it�but I know�Jim, this isn�t you. Something has happened, hasn�t it, something your mind can�t cope with right now�at least�not without help.�
Finally, for the first time over an hour, Jim spoke. �Help?�
�Jane wants you to go and see Kate.�
�It won�t change anything.� Jim pulled his hand away and wiped the blood onto the leg of his jeans.
�It could help you understand��
�I already understand. I already� remember�� He scrunched up his face, looked away from her.
�Remember what?�
�You�have you ever looked inside yourself, and seen evil?� He looked up at her, his eyes full of pleading desperation. �Have you?�
�I�� Her expression of confusion only served to confirm to Jim what he had already convinced himself of.
�No�you haven�t�it�s just me�or is it, I�� He stood, took a pace backwards. �You don�t understand�I�need to�remember��
June stood, moved to him, grabbed his arms in an insistent grip. �Remember what? Jim, if you just tell me, maybe I can help you!�
�How can you�how can YOU remember what I can�t? How can you get inside my mind? And even if you could�I wouldn�t let you in there.� He turned, walked away from her, into the hallway, up to the door.
�Jim, I WANT to help!�
�NO!� Jim all but screamed at her, his hands balling into fists. �Don�t you understand, I think I may be something I HATE! And I don�t want you to hate me too!!�
He turned, pulled open the door.
�Where are you going?�
�June, just drop it!�
�NO!�
He took more steps away from her, up the path toward the gate. Then he stopped, shaking slightly, refusing to look back at her. �There�s something I need to do.�
�Jim.� A sudden overwhelming fear came over her. �Don�t go, stay here, you can get help.�
�Don�t want it.� With that, he opened the gate and strode away down the road.
June was stunned into immobility, and when she finally regained her senses, Jim was gone.
***
�June, you know the procedures.�
�I�m afraid he might do something stupid.�
�Well, that wouldn�t be a first, would it?� Matt Boyden flicked a glance up at June, who countered with a glare of betrayal and disbelief. �OK, I�m sorry. Look, he�s probably just gone for a walk to cool down. He went a bit Neanderthal in the canteen, and��
�You didn�t see him.�
�June, you�ve seen it, I�ve seen it, we�ve all seen it. Jim�s screwed up, he�s never really recovered from the last��
�Breakdown. It was a breakdown.�
�Yeah�look, at least give it a couple of hours. Then maybe we�ll start worrying.�
�You�re supposed to start worrying NOW!�
�Sorry.� Matt shrugged. �Can�t.�
***
�What d�ya want, mate?� An impatient looking council workman had noted Jim hovering at the end of the walkway. He had been, with a team of three others, in the process of boarding up and making �secure� flat number 29.
�I�� He forced a smile somewhere from the depths of his soul. �I�m a copper�from Sun Hill, I was here yesterday and I think I dropped my mobile.�
�No mobile in there mate.�
�Are you sure?�
A deep, frustrated sigh. �Go in and look for yourself then. But make it quick.� He backed off to allow Jim to squeeze past him.
�Cheers.�
***
�Tony.�
Back in the canteen, no longer the hive of activity and excitement it had been just a couple of hours earlier. Tony sat alone at a table, in civvies, a livid bruise on his face, and he was leaning forward slightly.
�Why are you still here?�
�Dunno.� Tony shrugged and sipped his tea, then grimaced � it had evidently gone cold. �Least there�s people here.�
�Are you alright?�
�Yeah. Maybe I�deserved it.�
June shook her head, pulled out a chair and sat opposite him. �Tony, I don�t expect you to believe me on this, but Jim�s not well.�
There was no snide comment to this revelation, just a glance upward.
�Dr Harrison things something has triggered his depression. You were�just in the wrong place at the wrong time.�
�Yeah.�
�Tony�I need your help.� She stretched a hand across to grasp his. �I�ll understand if you say no�but, Jim�s gone�somewhere, and I�m afraid he��
�What � you think he might top himself?� Tony looked suddenly alarmed.
�I�don�t know. I need you to help me find him. I need you to help me figure out what is going on.�
Tony looked away for a moment, and appeared to be mulling things over. Then she looked back up. �Yeah. Alright.�
�Thank you.�
***
He was in the bedroom now, gazing intently at the wall beside the door, the arena of his last clear �memory�. He could still see her, in front of him, begging him not to� not to what?
He closed his eyes and concentrated, hard, as if through sheer willpower alone he could bring something else back. But there was nothing, nothing past that moment when he had pushed against her, had felt�he�d been aroused�
But, no, there was nothing more, not a shred.
He let out a guttural moan, balled his hands into fists and slammed them against the sides of his head. �Damnit! Damnit!� He whimpered.
He rolled his eyes heavenward. �Please�I just need to know�did I rape her? DID I? Just please let me REMEMBER!�
***
June keyed the door, letting Tony step in ahead of her. He hadn�t eaten, she�d offered to make him a meal while they talked things over, tried to come to some kind of meaningful or useful conclusion. As soon as she entered the house, she felt a presence, and glanced up at Tony.
�Jim?�
They checked the rooms in the lower level, and turned up nothing. Then June moved upstairs, and eventually found him in their bedroom. He didn�t appear to notice her at the door, so June turned away and gestured at Tony to head back down the stairs which he was already ascending.
Then she stepped back into the room.
She placed her hands on her hips, regarded his forlorn form sitting at the end of the bed. �You�really scared me. I thought�I thought I was going to find you by the river somewhere�washed up�I��
�I wouldn�t do that to you.�
�Then WHY won�t you get some help?�
�I told you. No-one can get inside my brain and see things that I can�t see myself.� He stood now, walked towards her, past her, pushing the door closed behind them.
�So where did you go � to try to see these things?�
�Yeah�I did�but�� He stood with his back against the door, balled his right hand to a fist and knocked on his forehead as if we were knocking on a door. �It won�t�it�s not��
�Then maybe�you�re just not meant to remember.�
�I need to know, if I crossed the line��
�What line?� June ran her hand down his arm, took his hand. �Jim, all you need to do is TELL me.�
�You�ll hate me�I hate�� His words petered out.
�I will not and CANNOT hate you!�
�Oh yeah�� His eyes were moving again now, an expression of incredulity within them. �You hated me last night when I couldn�t FUCK YOU!�
The silence that followed was utter, stunned. As June looked on, she could see the rage rising in Jim once more, uncontrolled, unquenchable.
�Admit it! Go on!� Jim advanced on June, pushing her backward with the palms of his hands. �Just for once, admit it, admit that there�s part of you that HATES me!�
�I can�t admit what is not true!� June replied, the truth and sincerity in her voice obvious to all but the now completely irrational Jim.
�Why? Why not? There�s plenty to hate!� He pushed her back again, she stumbled against the edge of the bed and fell backward into a sitting position on it.
�That�s what YOU tell yourself! You should listen to other people, people who know you! You�re a wonderful person, Jim!�
�If I was so wonderful�� His voice was shaking now, the rage perhaps diminishing a little. �If I was so good I could just love you and accept life the way it�but I can�t�I need to know, who I really am�I�you don�t want to marry a�� He swallowed harshly, shook his head. �I do love you - don�t you ever doubt that�� He took her face in his hands. �Don�t you ever�� He leant in, kissed her roughly, hard. Then he pushed her backward, down onto the bed.
�Jim, no�you�Tony�s downstairs�.�
If he had heard what she had said he didn�t acknowledge it, or didn�t care. He pulled her skirt up over her hips, roughly pulled at her underwear. �Jim, NO!�
Her arms flailed, tried to stop him, but he had pulled her underwear off her legs and was in the process of undoing his jeans. This done, he laid down over her, began to kiss her neck, pulling desperately at her blouse, clawing at her breasts.
�Jim, no, STOP this!�
For a moment, he halted, for a moment she thought she�d got through. But then she felt his body quiver, shudder even, and when she looked into his face, the rage was back.
�Shut up.�
His tone was so deep, so guttural, that June barely recognised it.
�Jim, come back. JIM. JIM!!�
�I said�.SHUT UP!� Jim drew his arm back, and in one swift movement, he had slapped June forcefully across the face.
***
�June�are you alright up there?� Tony moved to the bottom of the stairs, looking up. There was no reply, so he ascended the stairs and warily pushed the door open.
June was sitting on the floor, a red mark across her cheek, her blouse screwed up and half undone, her skirt hitched up, a ladder running up the thigh of her tights.
In her arms was Jim, who was sobbing, deep, aching sobs which seemed to overtake his entire soul.
�Did he rape you?�
Tony�s jaw set in an oh-so-familiar way.
�June � did he? Because if he did you can�t let him get away with this.� With still no reply from June, Tony shouted: �June � TELL ME!�
****
To Be Continued
****