Jim and June�s relationship faces it�s harshest test when Jim begins developing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, triggered when a case takes him back to the arena of his worst nightmares�
Jim is determined to put the previous day�s events behind him, but will his mind let him? And how will June react when it begins to affect his work?
***
She dressed in silence, minus the cheery banter of the local radio DJ whose terrible jokes often made her smile. She made the bed, pulling back the sheets, plumping up the pillows and smoothing the duvet into place.
Then she stepped back, her arms crossed. Her eyes fell shut and she could feel herself quaking, and cursed herself. What was she afraid of?
Maybe that Jim wouldn�t be there when she went downstairs? Maybe that he would be and they would argue? Maybe that he would still be asleep, and restless, and looking oh so vulnerable, pale and frightened?
Check all of the above, June decided.
***
All June could hear as she descended the stairs was the quiet hiss of the kettle. She turned left as she reached the bottom of the stairs, meaning to go into the kitchen, but she stopped as she passed the door of the lounge. She pushed it open gently. The blue duvet had been neatly rolled and folded and placed at one end of the sofa, the pillows balanced precariously on top.
She stepped into the room, moved over to the sofa and picked up one of the pillows. She buried her face in it, breathing in Jim�s scent. Somehow, all at once it reassured her, made her feel that everything was going to be alright. They�d hit a bump in the road, that was all, they�d been here before and they�d always made it through.
Nothing more, nothing less, nothing more than the quibbles every couple had, pre-wedding jitters, fear of commitment�
She felt herself enveloped in a wave of reassurance and contentment. It was the truth � not something she had talked herself into believing.
Wasn�t it?
She hugged the pillow close to her, revelling in the sensation.
Then she frowned as she felt the dampness on the rear of the pillow. It was soaked through.
Jim had been crying the night before, crying in his sleep, having nightmares�..
Almost immediately she slammed up the shutters to the thoughts that were invading her brain.
Just a bad day.
Just a glitch.
Really.
****
He was sitting at the kitchen table, a steaming mug of coffee clasped between his hands. He�d retrieved some clothes from the tumble drier, a pink shirt and black trousers, he�d combed his hair but had yet to shave, blond stubble graced his chin.
June stepped past him, receiving the merest of glances before Jim resumed his meditation, his grey eyes following the white waves of steam as they rose from the brown liquid. She refilled the kettle and set it to boil, pulled a mug to her and dropped in a tea bag.
Then, finally, she turned to him.
�You know, your new blue shirt is in the wardrobe.�
His eyes flickered up, he almost looked surprised at this calm, almost natural opening gambit of June�s. �I know. I just like this one.�
�It�s two sizes too big, Jim. And pink doesn�t suit you.�
Jim sighed, not harshly, more resignedly. �Yeah, I�ve heard this all before. But it�s too late to change, I want to get into work early.�
The kettle hissed to a boil as June turned, leaning back against the worktop. �Maybe you should take the day off.�
�Why?�
�I don�t know�you�� She sighed. �You look knackered.�
�Have you looked in the mirror yourself this morning?� His tone was mercifully light. June frowned, then pulled a small hand mirror from a drawer by the sink. She peered into it.
�You may have a point.� She smiled sideways at him, returning her attention to her breakfast.
�You do know I�m sorry, don�t you.� Again, like the wind, his tone had changed. Like Jim the previous evening, she did not have to turn to be visualise his expression � looking down at the table while he muttered the words to her, then raising his eyes, those sad eyes, so that they would bore into her and make her turn, make her�
Make her what?
Her hand froze around the cold milk carton.
�Sorry for what?� She felt her jaw tense, felt her stomach churn.
�Everything. All of it.�
�Well, for the comment you made � which hurt Jim, I won�t lie to you, it did - I accept your apology.� She turned to him and smiled. �As for the other��
Jim rolled his eyes slightly and looked away, a flush rising in his cheeks.
�As for the other�maybe I should be apologising to you.�
His eyes narrowed, shot over with that utter confusion, that look she recognised from Jim�s early years in the job, those times when things had happened, when life had taken turns that this inherently innocent man just could never understand. Just for this moment, she could see the young boy in him, the eager young lad, could see him behind the lines and the darkened eyes and all the other marks of bitter experience which had aged them both.
�I knew you were tired. I knew you were upset. I should have just let you be. I was selfish.�
�You could never be selfish.� Now, for the first time, Jim stood and joined her, taking both her hands in his. �June, I�d have liked nothing more than to make love to you last night, but�� He shook his head, tipped it a little to the side. He shrugged. �But�.I��
She placed her hand to his cheek. �Shhhh.� She leant forward and replaced her touch with her kiss. She could just taste the salt of his tears, and instinctively pulled him close to her. �Are you alright now?�
�I�I want to be. Yesterday was yesterday�and�you know what they say. One day at a time.�
�Yes. They do.� She squeezed him then set him free. �Go�get on.�
�OK.� He walked away, stopping at the door and looking back at her with an utterly cheeky expression on his face. �You really want me to change this shirt?�
�Well�� June regarded him, feeling a laugh rising, and placing a hand to her mouth to stifle it.
�I�ll take that as a yes, then. I need to shave anyway.�
�Oh, I don�t know.� Suddenly feeling much happier, much more content and reassured, June joined him at the door. �You look kind of sexy like that.� Their eyes met, Jim�s still red but full of love, and hers�despite her every effort they shot over with desire. Jim recognised this and flushed, pulling away. �Shave. Shirt. Work.�
He backed away down the hallway.
�Yeah.� She watched, listened as he disappeared up the stairs, then leant her head back against the dern of the door.
Talk about mixed messages�
***
�Jim�� Cathy Bradford looked up and across at Jim. �Jim, could you stop that, please?�
�Hmmm?�
�Clicking your pen. It�s so annoying.�
�What?� Jim�s eyes narrowed and he looked up at her. Her own eyes rolled and gestured towards the retractable ball-pen he held in his left hand, the one that he was rhythmically clicking. �Sorry.� He shrugged, smiled as best as he could manage, then slid open the top drawer of his desk and dropped the offending item into it.
�Thanks.� Cathy flicked her long mousy hair over her shoulder and regarded Jim for the longest time. He tried to ignore her stare, but he soon felt embarrassed and countered her with a: �What?�
�Are you alright?�
�I wish people would stop asking me that.�
�It�s probably because you look like crap.� Cathy pushed her chair back, stood, and moved round so that she could perch on the end of Jim�s desk. �Everything alright, with�the Sarge?�
�It�s fine. Why wouldn�t it be?� His tone belied his words and he felt a sharp stab of fear as he saw a familiar look cross Cathy�s eyes. Cathy Bradford had a well-deserved reputation as a rumour-mongerer � not like Reg Hollis who�s rumour spreading was entirely innocent � she was vicious, could bend and twist anything to make it more salacious, and to afford her, he believed, the attention she so obviously craved. �June and I are fine.�
�Just fine?�
�Yes, Cathy. Now will you please let me be, I have so much to catch up on��
�OK.� Cathy hopped off the desk. �I�m off out anyway. Nelson case.� She took a denim jacket down from the coat stand and picked up her bag. �See ya.�
Jim sucked in a breath and held it as he watched Cathy depart � almost colliding with June as she came in through the double doors. He noted how June didn�t even favour Cathy with a smile, let alone a greeting. Relations between the two women had been tense ever since it was revealed that Cathy had taken June, Jim � and the entire nick - for a ride by claiming she was HIV positive. It had been a sick joke which had endeared her even less to Inspector Gina Gold, who had refused June�s plea to transfer her back to uniform. Much to everyone�s annoyance, it looked like Cathy Bradford was in the CSU to stay.
He continued to watch as June walked into the room, shucking her own light brown jacket. Cathy remained by the door, holding it open with her foot while she regarded June�s actions, then flicking her eyes back over in his direction. Then a smile, and the door swung shut.
�I�d watch her if I were you.�
�What?� Seemingly startled, June turned to face him.
�She thinks something�s up.�
A smile twitched at the corner of June�s mouth and she cocked her head to the side. �I think that was a poor choice of words.�
�Yeah. I never will remember. Think first, Carver, then open your gob.�
�Hey, it�s one of the things that endeared you to me in the first place.� Confident in the knowledge that they were alone � and probably would be for a good fifteen minutes yet, June moved in behind Jim and placed her hands to his shoulders, her slim fingers kneading them gently. �You�re so tense.�
�That�s what spending six hours crushed up on a sofa will do to you.� Jim sighed, flicked his computer monitor off. He leant back, regarding the reflection of the two of them in the glass.
�I meant what I said though � maybe you should take some time.�
�I know�� Jim reached up, took her left hand in his. �Maybe we should take some time.�
�Maybe.� She slapped his hand away and continue to massage his shoulders. �Somewhere hot.�
�Hey, you know how the heat gives me headaches.�
�Oh, moan, moan, moan.� She slapped his cheek lightly, then leant forward and kissed the top of his head. They remained that way, sharing a companionable silence for a moment, till Jim moved sharply forward, away. June seemed a little ruffled by this but soon regained her composure, flexing her fingers and stepping back.
�I meant to ask, how�s Rory?�
�OK. He�s going to be kept in for a week or so, then rehab�his mum�s with him.�
�Do you think it�ll work out?�
�I don�t know.� June shrugged and looked momentarily helpless. �There�s only so far we can travel with them, Jim.�
�Yeah.� He looked away, down, his face scrunching up. �What about the squat?�
�What about it?� By now June had turned and was headed toward her own desk. Her tone was one of nonchalance, disinterest.
�They going to board it up or what?�
�I don�t know, probably.� She slumped into her chair, swivelled it around so she was facing him. �Why are you so interested?�
�No reason.� He looked up at her and smiled. �Just thinking��
June�s eyes locked onto his for a brief moment, and during that time she willed Jim�s smile to reach them.
As far as she could gather, it didn�t even come close.
***
Both Jim and June were overwhelmed with paperwork that morning, CSU-bound. It hadn�t been until about eleven that bath started to notice a change in atmosphere within the open plan room. It wasn�t anything that anyone said, it was the glances, the hushed conversations in corners, the heads being shaken, the shrugs.
Joining Jim at the photocopier, June leaned into him. �Something�s going on.�
�I know.� Jim muttered, low, almost under his breath. �And I think it may have something to do with us.�
�But�Cathy.� June slammed down a ream of copier paper to the table. �I swear I�m going to kill her.�
�Want me to hold her down?�
�Now I know you love me.� June smiled. She looked up with a start as the doors swung open then shut. �Oh, what does he want?�
�Who�� Jim glanced up, and met the icy glare of one PC Tony Stamp. �You can deal with this. I�ll be in the little boy�s room.� He edged past her.
�Wimp.� June muttered as Jim edged past her and made a swift exit. �Tony�� A smile that was reluctant to the extreme. �How can I help you?�
�I want to know if it�s true.�
�If what�s true?�
�You know�.what everyone has been saying.�
June looked up into Tony�s face, which was red, his eyes bulging. �Let�s do this in private.� She led him toward the office in the corner of the CSU, realised it was occupied, then jerked her head in the direction of the empty corridor outside.
When they were alone, June continued: �What has everyone been saying?�
�That you and Jim have split up. Called off the wedding.�
�Wha�!� This revelation startled June so much she laughed. �No, it is not true!�
�But you�re having problems��
June sucked in a huge breath, let it out slowly between her lips. �Nothing we can�t handle. Together.�
�If he�s hurt you��
�He has not hurt me! He never would��
�Then what is it, what�s going on? You don�t think I don�t know you�ve barely slept? Look at yourself, June��
�Whatever it may or may not be, it is none of your business. Now I suggest you get back on duty.� June trued to turn, to leave, but Tony grabbed her upper arm and prevented her. �Tony!�
�Just tell me it�s not about��
Irritated now, June spat: �About what?�
�About the kiss.�
�I�� Incredulous, lost for words, June shook her head. Then she physically jumped, as, over Tony�s shoulder, she could see Jim standing by the door of the toilets. Tony followed her gaze.
�Jim, it�s�� Tony began.
Jim�s only response was an unflinching glare. His contempt was first levelled at Tony then inexorably it moved, until it was levelled at June.
�Jim�� June all but ran forward, reaching a hand instinctively for him.
�Don�t�touch me, don�t speak to me.� His body was quaking with barely controlled rage. Then, without warning, he pivoted, slammed his hand hard against the door behind him which flew open and slammed with a massive bang to the wall.
He stalked through it, disappeared down the stairs, and was gone.
***
She found him in a haze of grey cigarette smoke. He was perched on a wall outside the station, shivering in the cold. �What are you doing? I thought you�d given up.�
�Yeah, well, I think a lot of things too. Problem is, not all of them are true. They�re just fantasies, aren�t they, June. Made up to make life that little bit more bearable.� He took a long drag on the cigarette, then coughed.
�If you�re doing this to prove a point then it�s made. Give me that.� June pulled the cigarette from between his fingers, threw it to the floor and ground it out beneath her foot.
�Just tell me, tell me this isn�t true. Tell me this is all a fantasy. Tell me I didn�t hear what I thought I heard in there.�
�I can�t do that.� June settled onto the wall beside him. �You did hear it, you shouldn�t have�or maybe I should have told you long ago.�
�You kissed him.� He looked at her askance, his eyes clearly displaying his feelings of disbelief and betrayal.
�No. I didn�t. There was no kiss.�
�Then what��
�He made a pass at me.� June ducked her head. �It was at Kerry and Luke�s engagement party�he was drunk��
�You know as well as I do that doesn�t make it alright.�
�I know, but Jim�� She placed a hand on his arm, noting him flinch as she did so. �I�I slapped him.�
Jim was silent for a moment, then he coughed out a laugh. �You what?�
June shrugged, a mischievous look coming into her eyes. �I slapped him. Quite hard too, my hand really hurt after that�look, I�I�ll tell you what I told him. I love YOU. No-one but you. There will never be anyone else.� She moved a little closer to him, nudged him with her arm. �Let�s get back in. We can plan Cathy�s punishment together.� June stood, offered Jim her hand which he accepted.
�OK.�
�Look, what are you going to do about Tony�I��
�Nothing.� Jim looked down at her. �As long as he stays out of my way.�
***
June�s paperwork had bred in the moments she had been outside, and Jim had been dispatched to pick up lunch for both of them to eat at their desks. He joined the queue, breathing in the delicious and familiar scent of Sun Hill�s standard fare.
He was shaken from his reverie as there was movement to his left, and looked around. Recognising the formidable bulk of Tony Stamp, he let out an angry breath and swivelled so he was facing away from him.
�Jim.�
�JIM.�
�What?� Setting his jaw, Jim turned around to face him.
�I just wanted to say, that June explained everything�that�s she�s told you what happened, and I just wanted to say I�m sorry.�
�Sorry.� Jim laughed a bitter laugh.
�Yeah.�
�My sorry wasn�t good enough for you, was it. How many times did I apologise to you over the Lee Dwyer thing? Five, ten times? And every time you threw it back in my face. So don�t expect your apology to cut any ice with me.�
�I thought you�d betrayed me. I was wrong.�
�Yeah. And that�s the difference, isn�t it.� Jim prodded Tony hard in the chest. �Because you DID betray me. You made a pass at the woman I love simply to get back at me.�
�I��
�Deny it. Look me in the eyes and deny it. You didn�t try to kiss her because of any feelings you had for her. Do you know WHY you did it? You did it because you didn�t want ME to have her! You thought she deserved someone better, didn�t you!�
Their body language and Jim�s raised tone had attracted widespread attention across the canteen.
Tony was fuming now, realising his foolish drunken fumble with Sgt Ackland was now public knowledge. �Yeah, maybe I did and maybe she does.�
�I agree with you. Yes, she does deserve better than me.� Jim stepped in closer, invading Tony�s personal space. �But she�s made the choice. She loves me. She�s marrying me.�
�More fool her.� Tony towered over the shorter Jim. �I thought she had sense. I thought she was intelligent.�
�You take that back.�
Tony�s reply was nothing more than a belligerent glare.
�You can say what the hell you like about me, but you do NOT talk about June in that way.�
�You�re pathetic.� Tony placed a hand to Jim�s chest and shoved him backward. �Just get out of my face.�
Jim stumbled a little, then regained his balance. He looked up at Tony once more, then before anyone could react, his fist ploughed forward and landed, with some considerable impact, on Tony�s jaw. Tony staggered backward, then, his face red with rage, he advanced on Jim, shaking off Luke Ashton and Des Taviner�s insistent grips on his arm.
His punch matched Jim�s for impact. Jim lost his balance and fell to the floor. He felt something damp on his face and reached up to it, touching his nose gingerly, feeling, then glimpsing blood.
The sight of his own blood made a primal rage rise within him, and he leapt to his feet, running toward Tony with a roar. He shoved him again, pinned him against the wall with his body weight. Then he punched him hard in the stomach.
Just as with Tony, hands grabbed at Jim, trying to pull him away, back, before he could do something that he would regret. But his arms were flailing, out of control, his rage driving him on, the punches landing harder and harder until Tony�s legs buckled and he fell to the floor.
�JIM!� Des was screaming in his ear, trying, vainly to snap him out of it. �JIM!!�
It was useless. All sounds around him had merged into a dull roar. His entire focus, his energy, his anger, his passion, was concentrated on the fist which was continuing to pound the now helpless Tony.
Until:
�What the hell is going on in here!�
June�
She was standing by the doors, her view obscured by the crowd that had gathered around the two men.
�Get out of my way��
Obediently, they parted. Des and Luke had finally managed to pull Jim away.
She looked down to Tony, who was cowering by the wall, clutching his stomach, his face already bruising from where Jim�s first punch had landed.
Then, over to where a now acquiescent Jim was being supported, it seemed, by the two officers. His face was coated with blood, as was his hand. Her first - overwhelming - instinct was to go to him, to take care of him, yet she knew, with everyone looking, she simply couldn�t.
�What was this all about?� She asked, already knowing the answer to her own question.
�It�s been coming a long time.� Tony mumbled, slowly getting up. �But it�s over now. Settled.�
�Settled? You mean the two of you are best buddies again?!� June�s voice cracked.
�No, it�s just�.settled.�
�You�re grown men, you don�t settle disputes with your fists.� She was slowly detaching herself from her emotions, feeling the mask of Sergeant June Ackland slip over her, career Sergeant, consummate professional.
�Des�Luke�take Jim to the FME.� She glared at Tony. �You can wait.� She watched as Jim was led away, still feeling drawn to him although simultaneously she was furious at his actions. �And by the way � you�re suspended.�
�ME?� Tony shouted, then winced.
�BOTH of you. Pending a full investigation, I do not want to see either of you back here.� Tony still looked utterly belligerent. �Do you understand me, PC Stamp?�
�Sarge.�
With that, June swivelled and left the room.
The mask was slipping, and her stomach churned. She felt bile rise in her throat, and turned sharply, running into the ladies toilets. She locked herself into a cubicle, then retched and vomited.
After she was done, she leant back against the cold stone wall. Tears ran freely down her cheeks, her chest heaved with her sobs.
Jim was hurt�
That in itself was bad enough. She wanted to see him, she needed to help him, but�
How could she?
There was no way that she could she remain impartial to this�how could she act as she had been taught, guided by such as Bob Cryer, Tom Penny, Alec Peters�
How did they�
She knew the answer. They hadn�t been in love with one of their colleagues. Hadn�t let emotions get in the way.
She�d known it was wrong, getting involved with Jim. But she�d been sucked in, deeper and deeper into a simultaneously terrifying and exquisite whirlpool which she could not � and would not � escape.
The realisation hit her that it was time to choose.
The job � or Jim.
She loved the job. But�
She loved Jim.
And Jim was hurt.
And Jim was�
As she wiped at the tears on her face, she remembered the tears on his cheeks as he lay in a restless sleep, remembered the pillow she�d held to her, the way she�d try to reassure herself, tried to deny Jim�s pain and his heartbreak.
Try as she may to detach herself, the simple fact was that what hurt Jim, hurt her. That she shared every emotion, every feeling, good or bad.
That she was, it seemed, now part of him.
Two hearts, two souls, merged into one through love.
She pulled her knees close to her chest, and she knew�
There was no choice to make.
***
TO BE CONTINUED
***