Jim and June�s relationship faces it�s harshest test when Jim begins developing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, triggered when a case takes him back to the arena of his worst nightmares�
***
Oh, why�d you look so sad�tears are in your eyes, come on and come to me now�
Don't be ashamed to cry, let me see you through, �cos I've seen the dark side too�
When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do�
Nothing you confess, could make me love you less�
I'll stand by you�
I'll stand by you.
*****
A shaft of light edged around a grey cloud, and slowly, surely, set about lighting and warming the ground beneath. Taken within it�s grasp was a grey building, crumbling at the edges, filthy, the only colour and warmth coming from a few hardy begonias in a long neglected flower bed.
The ray of light passed through the windows of the upper floor of the building. It stalled as it encountered a prism, and the white light split into it�s components, red, orange, yellow�a rainbow.
It caught the eye of the woman at the desk by the window, who looked down at it and smiled. Then her eyes moved the to the object which had created such an illusion � the diamond which was encased in 24 carat gold. It sparkled up at her, and she bit back a smile, her heart nevertheless leaping.
This ring to her was so much more than a mere adornment. This ring meant everything to her. Because he had given it to her, he had asked her � no begged her! � to take him as her husband�he�d been so humble before her and his expression when she had agreed had been nothing less than pure astonishment.
And now, they were engaged. She was a fianc�e. Something she never thought she�d be.
She never thought she�d be one to dream of her perfect wedding. Of the church, what she�d wear, how he�d look as she approached him. Would he smile, or would his face be wet with tears? Of the golden rings that they would present to one another, circles, never ending, symbolising the strength and commitment of their love.
She shuddered suddenly as she felt a hand on her shoulder, one which slipped down slowly until it lay tantalisingly above her breast. �Hey�� His mouth was by her ear, his voice a near whisper. �I thought I was the daydreamer in this family.�
She reached for his hand, her gaze still never leaving the ring. �I have my moments too.�
�What are you thinking about, flowers, bridesmaids?�
�No�I was thinking about you. About how good you�re going to look in your suit, about how much I�ll feel in love with you.�
�Hmmm.� He slipped his other hand similarly over her shoulder, linked his hands in front of her and kissed her hair. �That�s a coincidence, because that�s just what I was thinking too. Well, apart from the suit part.�
She laughed and slapped his hand. �Jim�� She admonished.
�Come on, it�s time for lunch. I�m starving.� As if on cue, Jim�s stomach grumbled.
�I can tell.� She squeezed his hand tightly. �Let�s not go to the canteen though.� She broke from his grip, swivelled to regard him. �Let�s go home, eh?�
***
Her arms were out to her sides, his hands grasped her wrists, holding them in place, yet it was not painful, and if it were, her body was otherwise distracted. She was slick with sweat, her back sliding up and down against the wall behind her as he thrust into her.
June moaned loudly, her head tipping back. She fervently wished that this would never end � that whether she and Jim were engaged or married, or however long they had been together, that there would still be moments like this. While slow, deliberate sex with this man was exquisite, there was a frisson about this, which only drove to increase her excitement to almost unbearable levels. They hadn�t even found the time to undress before it had become too much � jeans pulled to the hips, a skirt lifted to the waist.
She longed to touch him, but no, this time he was in control. He�d undone her blouse, lifted her bra free of her breasts, his head was there, sucking, biting her nipples, roughly, hungrily. He had a feral look about his eyes as he looked up and caught her eyes with his, something almost primeval, and it had sent her over the edge. Her body flattened against the wall as he thrust into her, hard, she felt him shudder, felt him come inside her, warming her, and then she called out his name as her own body made it�s ecstatic reply.
***
�You pulled a button off my blouse.� June�s hand � and voice - shook as she tried to refasten the flimsy garment.
�I�ll sow it back on for you.� Jim smiled, recalling a moment they had shared, weeks before they had gotten together, weeks before they had even imagined that they would be sharing an experience such as this. He touched her face, kissed her. �I can�t believe we�re still doing this.�
�What can I say�I can�t resist you.� She placed her hand on the back of his head, drew him in, captured his lips and forced her tongue between them. She pulled back and laughed. �Don�t worry about the button � I�ll change�I need a shower anyway.�
�And what do you think they�ll say at Sun Hill?� Jim laughed, zipping his jeans and tucking his shirt back into them.
�I. Don�t. Care.� She regarded him, then shook her head. �Get us something to eat will you, I�ve just worked up a real appetite.�
***
�Jim�.you free?�
It was late afternoon, and all was back to normal. June had changed into a rather conservative � much to Jim�s chagrin - brown turtle neck top and fawn trousers, and had been for the last few hours back into Sergeant mode.
�Yeah�� Jim punched a few keys on his keyboard, then flipped a switch and the computer closed down.
�Mrs Jackson, the lady who�s son has run away�14 year old?�
�Yeah � Rory.� Jim swivelled in his seat to regard him. �Has be been spotted?�
�Yep, a squat in Tennyson Court.�
�And I suppose we get to go find him?� Jim hiked an eyebrow at her, sighed a mock-exasperated sigh.
�That�s our job..� June smiled.
�Yeah. Just let me get my jacket.� June slipped into her own jacket and hovered by the double doors while Jim got ready. �Hey�� He whispered as he reached her. �You know the real problem with this job, don�t you?�
�What�s that?� She looked up at him with those huge brown eyes that Jim found it impossible to resist.
�Gets in the way of the important stuff, doesn�t it?� His eyes twinkled.
�Oh � Jim!!� June flushed. �Come on, lets get this over with, alright?�
***
Tennyson Court.
Jim�s stomach churned as they neared their location. June had made no comment about the significance of this place, about the place that it inhabited in Jim�s chequered history.
Maybe she didn�t remember.
Maybe she�d forgotten.
He only wished that he could.
***
�So where�s this squat?�
�Number 29.�
29. His eyes fell shut, he let out a sigh of relief. At least, it wasn�t�
�Hey�June, where you going�.29�s on the fifth floor.� Jim reached out a hand as June turned at the top of a stairwell. They were on the second floor of the block.
�They�ve renumbered. Don�t ask me why. Council thing I guess, just to make people even more confused.� June strode confidently ahead � Jim held back. He longed to reach out to her, to pull her away, back, but still she moved inexorably towards the flat at the end of the row. Flat 29�.formerly number nine.
Please God don�t let her go in there�
No. NO!
His brain screamed at him as she turned and pushed open the door of the flat. �Rory? Rory Jackson?� She called.
He stepped backward, almost involuntarily, and pushed his body back up against the brickwork of the balcony.
Don�t be stupid, Jim!
I�m not being stupid, I can�t help it�
His hands gripped the wall behind him, it�s roughness grazing his palm and his fingers. He felt himself moving slowly back, away, as if being pulled by invisible hands.
Pull yourself together, Jim Carver.
I�ll be alright as long as I don�t have to go IN THERE!!
Slowly, he made himself turn so he was facing back toward the stairs. His eyes fell closed, his body tensed, his muscles constricting so tightly that he found it almost impossible to move, or breathe. He seemed strangely aware that this was a panic attack, nothing more, nothing less, and he was also aware that there were two ways out of this.
To get away � or to face it.
Right now though, he found it impossible to do either.
***
�Jim�� June swivelled in the dingy hallway. �Jim?� She turned, took two steps forward, out of the door, onto the balcony. �Jim � are you alright?� She placed a hand on his upper arm and he jumped.
�Don�t DO that!� He snapped.
�Alright, alright! What�s going on?�
�Nothing.�
�It doesn�t look like nothing.� June pouted and stamped her heel into the ground, a sure sign she was worried, angry, or frustrated.
�It�s nothing, I�m fine!� Try as he may he couldn�t keep the harsh tone from his voice. He just hoped that she would mistake it for anger, rather than for what it was � fear.
�If you�re fine then come in here with me.�
�June, there�s no-one in there.�
�I won�t be sure of that until I�ve searched the place. Rory�s been seen with known addicts, he could be out of it. And you don�t know who else could be hiding out in there.� June regarded the tense muscles of Jim�s back for a long moment. �Jim � it�s an order.�
***
She glanced back to him, fully aware that something was wrong, but yet totally unaware as to what it may be. He was pale, paler than she could remember seeing him, his breathing unnaturally rapid.
�Jim��
�Let�s just get this over with, alright?�
She took a proper look at him. The tendons in his neck had tensed, the skin of his face was taut over his bones. �Maybe I should do this on my own after all.�
He looked at her incredulously, his eyes rolled. He stopped, pressed his back up against the damp wall and let out a hiss of breath. �Make your bloody mind up.�
�Don�t speak to me like that.� June matched Jim glare for glare. �I won�t tolerate it. Jim, I don�t know what�s wrong with you but this is going to take five minutes if that. If you can�t handle it��
�I can handle it.� He pulled in a shuddering breath,
�Good. I�ll take the bedroom and the kitchen. You do the bathroom and the lounge.� June pointed to the two rooms on their left. Before Jim even had a chance to argue, she was gone, calling Rory�s name.
Mentally berating himself, and calling up reserves of determination he didn�t know he had, Jim stepped forward and pushed open the door of the small, vile smelling bathroom. It�s floor was littered with syringes and rubbish, but apart from that it was empty.
He walked ahead, charting a path through the obstacles which lay in his way. More syringes, magazines�condoms. He winced, swallowed as bile began to rise in his throat. �Rory? Rory Jackson?�
Now to the lounge. The door was already open. Again, predictably, it was an utter tip. There was an off-kilter coffee table in the middle of the room, a television set, a stereo. He thought absently how ironic it was that people forced to live like this could have equipment like that, and then remembered that that was probably because people who lived like this often did not pay for many of their possessions.
There was a sofa, pushed up against the wall. It caught his eye. It was so familiar�.it�
Oh god, it�s the same one. It�s her sofa. THEIR sofa.
He stepped toward it, inexorably drawn. He placed a hand on it, then turned and sat down on it, feeling it give beneath him. The feel of it, the�the smell of it�
Claire�.will you help me?
His eyes fell closed. He could remember now, could remember the last time he was on this sofa. He�d been drunk, so drunk, but just sober enough that some damning realisations had begun to filter through. The realisation that he was a loser for one. The realisation that he had sunk as low as he could possibly go.
And, eventually, the realisation that he was an alcoholic.
Could have been a moment that he may have celebrated, under any other circumstance.
He�s ill, Jim. Like you�.
He could see her. She must have been sixty if she was a day, dressed in a pink nightdress which was too low cut, a flimsy robe.
Vertical, I�m nothing � horizontal, I�m a star�.
She�d spent most of her adult life prostituting herself at the behest of her husband, John-Jo. She was resigned to it, knew nothing else, saw no other way. He�d been appalled, disgusted. He�d wanted to take her out of this place, take her away, somehow help her so she could live the rest of her days in a way that her decency, her caring nature deserved.
He could have killed John-Jo.
Could have�
�Jim!�
He was startled out of his reverie.
�Jim, he�s in the bedroom, he was hiding. He�s in a real state. We need to get him out of here.�
Slowly he stood, followed her voice although he instinctively seemed to know the way.
Go on, Jim, she�s yours, on the house.
What?!
Jim started. Suddenly, flashing in front of him was a vision � a memory? � that he had until now never recalled. He�d told Burnside that his blackout had begun as John-Jo had returned with more booze, and had lasted until�
Jim�.come on, we don�t have to do anything, let�s talk more�
She had whispered into his ear, confidantes now, but he�
The drink�
No�.no I want you�.
He�d pushed her up against the wall of the bedroom�it was so clear to him now, he could see her in front of him, her expression was one of disappointment and fear � fear for him but not herself.
Jim, you shouldn�t�
He�d hissed out a laugh.
Shouldn�t. My whole life has been full of people telling me what I shouldn�t do.
Jim, you�ll regret this later�.
I don�t HAVE a later.
He had�
His vision blurred and the memory faded. He had what?
Could he have�could he have forced himself on her?
Was it possible that he had raped her?
�Jim!�
June�s voice again, insistent. The past and the present merged into one, that pain, anger, destruction, unhappiness and now this, his future, his love, his happiness�it�
It all seemed so incompatible.
As June�s voice reached him once more, his body took control of the situation.
He turned, and he ran.
He ran until he couldn�t possibly run any more.
***
The house was dark and quiet as he let himself in. He didn�t even know if he should be here. He�d spent the last three hours or so walking, thinking, trying to retrieve the pieces of a long locked away nightmare that had been released into his consciousness and slip them back into their hiding place.
He turned, pushed the door shut, leant his head against the cool glass. It did not appear to him that June was at home, so as a consequence he jumped violently when she spoke behind him.
�If you want something to eat you can get it yourself.�
Her tone cut into him like a knife. He didn�t dare turn round, he didn�t have to know that she was standing a few feet away from him, her arms crossed, her face red with anger, tears or both.
�Where the hell have you been?�
�I�� Try as he may, there was no way he could explain to her what had happened to him over the last few hours. Either she wouldn�t understand, or she�d feel guilty about what she�d put him through � either way he would hurt her, hurt them, hurt what they had.
�I�ve been sitting here for two hours, waiting for you. Do you have any idea how scared I�ve been?�
�Sorry.� He mumbled, looking to the floor.
�Sorry? Is that all you have to say?� He heard her footsteps approach. Then he felt her hand on his shoulder. Not tight, not insistent, more�
Caring?
�Yeah. That�s all I have to say.� He turned slowly around to face her. �Please, don�t make me explain.�
�But I want you to. Not so that I can shout at you, not so that we can argue. I know something was wrong this afternoon, Jim. You think I can�t tell by the look in your eyes?�
�I just get�moments.�
�Moments?�
�When�it�s all too much. When I just need to escape�I��
�Right.� She slid her hand down his arm. �Is this to do with the wedding?�
�What? No!�
�Then what is it? Jim, I just can�t understand how your attitude has changed so much!� She looked meaningfully at the wall beside him. �Damnit, Jim we made love just hours ago!�
�June � please! It was something I had to work through on my own. I�m sorry for what happened, but I�it�s over, alright?!�
He pushed past her, shucking his jacket as he went. She watched his retreating figure.
�Alright.� She whispered.
***
He�d gone to bed early. She�d wanted to join him but he�d insisted she stay, to catch the end of the movie that they had been watching together. She�d shrugged, nestled Toto on her lap, and had sipped on her cocoa.
But she was here now, in the en-suite bathroom. He listened as she brushed her teeth, washed her face and slipped a brush through her hair. Now she was framed in the doorway, watching him, now smiling before clicking off the light.
She climbed into bed beside him. �Thought you were tired.�
�Can�t shut my mind off.� He flicked a glance toward her. �I�m so sorry, about��
�It�s alright. Jim, we all have times, like that�I�m well aware sometimes explanations and excuses and apologies can make things worse. Sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and move on.�
�I don�t deserve you.�
�Yes, you do. Jim, I want you warts and all. But we don�t have examine every single wart in detail.� A flicker of a smile found its way to the corner of Jim�s mouth. �Hey, that�s better.�
He looked at her questioningly.
�You have a beautiful smile, Jim Carver. Infectious.� She placed her hand to his face. �And these lines�� Her finger traced the lines, those laughter lines that creased every time he smiled. �Your face is built for smiling.�
A short, breathy laugh.
Her hand was back on his cheek, moving down, over his chin, down his neck to his chest. She groaned contentedly, then moved, pushing the duvet back and straddling his legs. �I meant what I said earlier�that I can�t resist you.� Her voice was husky, her intent obvious. �Jim�I know something�s there, something�s in you that�s bothering you, but I�m here, and in every way I can, I�m going to make you feel better��
Her hands clawed at his boxer shorts. Pulling them down to his hips, she dipped her head down, and took him into her mouth, her lips and tongue setting to work.
***
�I�m sorry.�
�Stop saying that. You don�t have to be.� Her actions and tone belied her words. She had shifted away from him, had turned slightly so her gaze rested elsewhere.
�You�re upset.�
�Upset no, disappointed, maybe.�
Despite himself, he shook his head angrily. �I didn�t do it on purpose, you know.�
�I know!�
�Then why are you acting like this?!�
�Because�� She swivelled so she was facing him. �Jim, what have I done?�
�What have�you haven�t done anything!� Jim sat up. He reached for her hand but she pulled it away.
�You run away from me, you won�t talk to me, and now I can�t��
�What the hell do you EXPECT!� The ferocity of Jim�s tone made June wince. �June, you�re mad at me, I know it, and we haven�t resolved this, have we?�
�I told you��
�No. Do you know what you did? You caved. Again. Like every time we have a problem, like with the booze that time, you cave. We don�t talk it over, we don�t clear the air, we don�t have a damn good argument�we��
�Because I don�t WANT to argue with you!� June yelled. She got to her knees to face him. �Do you know how I feel when we row? I feel�.I get this pain in my chest and in my head and I am just so frightened��
�That you�ll lose me? You won�t. That comes down to trust, June. Trust. And I believe we�ve been here before. I�m not going to leave you because of one argument. Alright, last time, I ran away I admit it, but�you just keep giving in and I don�t want you to feel you have to do that.�
�Alright, alright�� June wiped some tears from her cheeks. �Then tell me what is wrong. Or at least assure me it isn�t me! Assure me that you haven�t fallen out of love with me, that you still�.want me�.�
�It isn�t you.� He took her face in his hand. �It isn�t.�
�Then what��
�No. I�m not taking you there.� He shook his head vehemently. �It�s mine to deal with.�
�Not when it��
Jim lay back, closed his eyes and let out a long breath. �So we can�t make love tonight. You�ll live, June.�
�You know how important it is to us�to this��
�It�s not everything. Unless that�s how you feel.� He cracked an eye open. �What is it, June, you don�t want this to end because you�re scared you�ll never have sex again?� He wished he could take back the words as soon as they were out of his mouth, but it was too late, they were out there and doing damage.
�How dare you say that?�
The words I�m sorry lay just behind his lips, but he couldn�t let them out. He felt paralysed, terrified.
�I never imagined you could be so cruel.�
�I�m tired.�
�That�s no excuse.� She glared at him. �Get out.�
�What?�
�I�m not sharing my bed with you tonight.�
�Fine.� Jim stood, picked up his pillows and then walked to the closet. He pulled out a spare duvet. �I��
June looked up at him. His regret and sorrow were clear to her, but right now it wasn�t enough unless he said the words.
�We�ll talk about this tomorrow.�
�Yeah.�
***
It was 2:30 am. June had slept fitfully for the last three hours but now lay awake. Not having Jim there beside her, for the first time since that night when he had left her, hadn�t come home, hadn�t even called�
An indescribable loneliness came over her. Before this, before Jim, sleeping alone had been something she hadn�t even thought of. But since he had been here with her, since the many nights of passion and company they had shared, the evenings when this house had reverberated with their laughter, the times he had whispered gentle words of adoration into her ear, she hadn�t been able to imagine not being able to reach out and touch him, to pull him close, or to squeeze his hand.
He was here forever, she knew.
And maybe that was why she gave into him so easily. Because she knew this was fate � and fate is a thing that should not be interfered with.
***
She could hear voices. She was in a state of sleep where she didn�t know whether she was awake or dreaming, so she forced her eyes open and concentrated on the sound.
There was definitely something�she looked at her clock again. 4:00am, all but. Maybe Jim had turned the TV on, or�
�NO�.�
Louder now. That was no TV show � that was Jim. Her heart leapt to her throat, and she swung her legs from the bed. Barefoot and shivering in the cold she padded downstairs.
By the time she reached the lounge, the noise had stopped. She could hear Jim�s gentle snore. Her feet sinking into the soft pile of the carpet, she approached him.
He was asleep, his hair a mess, his body contorted awkwardly in order that he could fit onto the two seater settee. His face seemed pale, yet in this light it was hard to tell. She kissed her fingers lightly, placed them to his cheek.
His cheek was damp, not through sweat, she knew, but through tears.
�Jim��
Not wanting to wake him, she stepped backward. She watched him sleeping for a moment, hugging herself tightly.
Something was very wrong.
�Jim�be alright.� She whispered. �Please?�
****
TO BE CONTINUED�.
****