NC17!
***
3:17am. June Ackland and Jim Carver's bedroom. They finally decided to get some sleep about quarter of an hour ago, and Jim's already well away. He's lying on his back, his mouth hanging open. A horrendous snore came from his mouth and June cringed, pressing the pillow she has over her head closer to her ears.
"Urgh Jim," She groaned, turning over and burying her head further under the pillow. "For God's sake shut up."
Jim snored again, this time even louder.
She turned over violently, shaking the bed again before sitting up. "I really hate you at times." She moaned, looking at him snoring away.
Jim moved a little, turning his head to the side. For a delicious moment there was silence.
"At last�" June snuggled down under the duvet and closed her eyes.
A minute later: "HHgggggggggggggggggggnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
"Aaaargh." June sat bolt upright and prodded Jim. "Wake up will you."
"Mnnnnhhhhh." Jim wriggled then turned further away from her, burying his face in the pillow.
"I said wake up." She moved over and physically shook him.
"Get off!" Jim flailed his arm round. "What, what is it?"
"You're snoring� again."
"I� don't� snore." Jim rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.
"You do. I'm surprised the neighbours haven't complained�" She paused and yawned. "It sounded like a gang of Hells Angels were revving their bikes up in here."
"Don't exaggerate." Jim looked exasperated. "Can I go back to sleep now, please? You've worn me out."
"And you've worn me out with your snoring. Let me get to sleep before you start up again." She turned over and buried her head in the pillow. "Me wearing you out. As if?!" She snorted.
"Well, you started it." Jim leant back against the headboard. "Alright, I'll give you ten minutes." He yawned loudly.
"Fine." She closed her eyes and pulled the duvet up to her chin.
"Fine." Jim stared ahead of him, trying desperately to keep his eyes open. But they closed against his will, and again his mouth fell open. Less than a minute later: "HHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGNNNNNNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
June sighed loudly as she sat up. Grabbing her pillow from under her she whacked Jim with it. "If I didn't love you so much I'd smother you here and now." She grumbled through gritted teeth.
No response from Jim. He was in a deep sleep and June knew from experience even a nuclear bomb going off in the room wouldn't wake him up. There was only one thing for it. Grabbing her pillow, she climbed out of bed, stomping off to the spare room. Jim didn't know about this - the only way she could sleep some nights was to escape � but she always made sure she was back in their bed before he woke up.
She sat down on the bed, fuming. In front of her was a desk she used when she brought paperwork home. And she knew, in the desk drawer, was a miniature tape recorder. Her eyes lit up. Tiptoeing back into their bedroom, she hit record on the tape recorder and hid it down Jim's side of the bed where he'd never notice it. "Don't snore?!" she whispered, "I'll show you."
***
The next morning, June slid into bed just as Jim I woke up. He stretched and yawned. "Hey gorgeous." He whispered leaning down and nuzzling her ear.
"Morning love." She yawned. "Sleep well?"
"Like a log. Exercise will do that for you."
"Yeah, yeah." she muttered. "You could sleep through anything."
"Yeah. Even your snoring." He nibbled her neck.
"My snoring," she snorted, throwing her head back into the fluffy pillow as Jim kissed her shoulder.
"Yes, you snore. But it's very� ladylike." Jim smiled as he slipped the straps of her nighty from her shoulders.
"Glad to hear it." She grinned, as his hand slipped under the silky material.
"Not like you when�" He ducked his head and laughed. "You certainly don't keep anything in, do you?"
"I don't know what you mean Jim Carver." She laughed before gasping as his hand slid further down her body.
"You're very� vocal�." He smiled. "Not that that's a bad thing. I like to know I'm making you feel good." His hand reached her upper thigh.
"Aaaaaaaaah�" June moaned as Jim's hand moved slowly over her soft skin. "I think you're confusing me with someone else."
"I don't think so�" He kissed her feverishly. "I would never have thought that Sergeant June Ackland would be so�"
"So� what?!" She shifted slightly, kissing his neck. "Are you complaining?"
"Certainly not. But I think the neighbours might be. I mean, for a start, this thing creaks."
"Well it's not used to such� strenuous activities. I was a good girl before you came along remember." She rolled onto her side, her hand moving to his chest.
"Were you really. Are you saying I've corrupted you?" He dotted kisses across her breasts, moving slowly down, under the duvet.
"Yes I am�. aaaaaaaaahh Jim�" She gasped.
He peeped back up, out of his cocoon. "What?" His eyes twinkling mischievously. "Don't you like that?"
"Did you hear me� complain?" She gasped.
"Couldn't help but hear you." He laughed, moving back up and pushing her back down against the mattress, straddling her legs. "I love you, June Ackland."
"And I love you Jim." She looked up at him and grinned. "But you think I'm too loud?"
"No� you're just�" He gently parted her legs with his hand. "You're just perfect."
"Glad to hear it. I can try to be quiet." she laughed. "Don't know how long I'd last�" She moaned breathlessly.
"I know you, you can't keep your mouth shut for one minute." He pressed his body against hers.
June responded with a loud groan as she pulled him closer to her.
"See, what did I tell you?" He kissed her again and she pulled her legs up to give him access. "It's only when I'm kissing you� and even then�"
"Even... then.... what...?"
"Even then, you're not always quiet..." He looked at her, his eyes smiling, but then they become serious. "But I love you for it."
"And so you should." She looked up at him with twinkling eyes. "Sure it's an ego boost for you anyway! You know you're� pushing the right buttons� so to speak."
"It certainly seems that way." He smiled, tipping his head to one side. "You ready?" He whispered.
Her eyes twinkled once more before she moved to nuzzle his neck. "Aren't I always?" She giggled.
"Mmmm�" Jim smiled, as he moved inside her. "You certainly are�"
***
Next door: Tom James, a very sensible man in his fifties, looked up from his newspaper. "Oh, no, not again!" He looked at his wife.
"They're like dogs on heat." She tutted. "And its only 8am - didn't they have enough earlier."
"3 o'clock they finished. Then he started snoring. It's been terrible ever since she moved him in. We never get a moments peace!"
"Tell me about it. I always thought she was such a lovely quiet lady� still you know what they say about the quiet ones." She reached for the remote control and turned up the TV volume.
"I can't tolerate this any more. She's bad enough, but the bed creaks and the headboard keeps banging up against the wall. There's got to be something that can be done." He looked exasperated as June let out a particularly loud moan.
"We should be thankful that they do stop every now and then I guess� if they were unemployed� how she puts up with his snoring I don't know. It's worse than yours."
He glared at her. "Maybe we should make a complaint. Conduct unbecoming a police officer." The noise got louder. "Oh, come on!" He yelled.
"Don't encourage them�" His wife tutted glancing at her watch. "Still almost over� for now."
They sat and looked at each other as the moans and the creaks and the bangs got louder and faster. Then there was a long pause�
"Silence." She smiled.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" June screamed at the top of her lungs.
"For God's sake�"
"I think that's it." The wife mumbled. "Well, as far as I can remember."
"I suppose we should be thankful he's not joining in."
"I believe he's slightly more reserved. Big lad though, probably why the bed creaks so much." She shrugged. "Still, they'll be off to work now."
"Don't speak too soon," Tom muttered. "There's still time for an encore performance."
"Don't you remember what it was like?" She sighed. Then she looked at him. "No, you probably don't." She looked over at him as he looks back to his newspaper. There's quiet for five minutes, but then....
"Tell me that's not what I think it is?" He buried his head into his hands.
"Sounds like it." She sighed. "But what can you do? I don't think there's any law against it."
"Well there bloody should be. I've have it up to here with them."
"I suppose� no, you can't do that�"
"Do what?!"
"Environmental health - noise control." She shook her head. "No, I mean, what would you tell them!" She laughed.
"I'll think of that later� pass me the yellow pages."
"You are joking�" She passed over the directory, looking up again as things got louder and faster. "Looks like this session will be over sooner rather than later�" She cringed as a guttural moan came through the wall. "I really hope they're working today�"
"Conduct unbecoming two police officers." He mumbled, flicking through the pages. He rolled his eyes as deeper, obviously male groans resonate through the wall. "Oh, please�"
"How do these two function on so little sleep?" She paused as the moans mingle together. "Still I suppose they're having fun."
"Fun? Sex isn't about fun!" He snapped, and she rolled her eyes. They get to a pause again. "10� 9� 8� 7� 6�" He counted, his hand on the phone.
"Are you sure you should do this?!"
"I've had enough of it!" He yelled. Just as he yells there is another scream from next door. "I never heard you make noises like that!" He picked up the receiver and dialled.
"Maybe you should ask him for lessons." She muttered under her breath as she walked into the kitchen.
***
Back next door: June held Jim close against her, as his body shook. She ran her hand through his blond hair. "Oh my god�" she muttered.
He lifted his head up to hers and smiled. "That was� well�"
"That was incredible. I've never�" She shook her head. "I wish we could stay here all day. I think we've finally got this down to a fine art."
"You're telling me. Still I suppose practice makes perfect." He leant forward to kiss her, his hand snaking up to her breast.
"No� come on, work." She grabbed his hand. "Though how I'm going to concentrate I don't know�" She kissed his palm. "Go take a shower."
"Spoilsport�" he pouted as his breathing slowed to a normal rate. "You going to join me?"
"In a minute." She smiled, watching as he got up and walked naked from the room. She leant over and retrieved the tape recorder, thinking it has taped 30 minutes of Jim snoring. What she doesn't know is that Jim rolled over into his pillow after 10 minutes and didn't snore for the rest of the night, and the recorder didn't activate again until the next loud noise�
***
"Come on or we'll be late." June grabbed his hand and opened the front door, Mr and Mrs James were in the front garden mowing the lawn. "Morning!" she smiled. "Come on Jim."
Mr James smiled insincerely. "Off to work then?"
"Yeah, for our sins." June smiled. "Still nearly the weekend eh?"
"Mmmm, you got anything planned?" He asked, crossing his fingers behind his back.
"Not really, just a leisurely weekend� eh Jim?"
"Yeah, long lie ins, you know what it's like." Jim followed June to the car.
"So not a trip to Outer Mongolia then?" Mr James muttered under his breath. "Pity."
***
Sun Hill (in a universe where JJ are together and Polly's back)
"Morning Sarge, Jim�" Polly chirped. Jim said hello and made his way to his desk. Polly approached June. "Sarge, you look shattered!"
"It was a long night." June winked.
"Really?" Polly grinned. "Honestly, who'd have thought it, didn't know you had it in ya."
"Neither did I believe me!" June laughed. "Nor him come to think of it."
"But you weren't� not ALL night�"
"No not all night... we did have a few hours off� but someone," she raised her voiced. "�snored like a pig when I was trying to sleep."
"Wasn't me." Jim smiled from his desk. "She does tend to exaggerate. I mean, if I snored that loud, I'd hear it, wouldn't I?"
"I'm surprised you don't wake yourself up." She smiled. "And he had the cheek to say I snored loudly."
"I'm sure you don't. No, Sarge, how loud does he snore, exactly?"
"Well� as I said to him last night, it sounded like a gang of hells angels were revving up their bikes beside the bed�"
Polly snorted with laughter. "No, you can't be serious�" June smiled at Polly mischievously. "What you up to?"
"Come over here�" June grabbed Polly's arm and led her into the interview room.
"What is it?" Polly followed her in. June slipped a cassette tape out of her jacket pocket. "This. Listen to this if you don't believe me." She slipped the rewound tape into the tape player.
A loud "HHgggggggggggggggggggnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" suddenly filled the room.
Polly jumped. "Oh, my God, you weren't kidding!" They listen to the tape for a couple of minutes. "That's awful�" She laughed.
"He doesn't believe me..."
"You should play it to him. Better still, put it over the tannoy system. He'll have to listen then. Nah, I mean it Sarge, snoring like that can be serious, people stop breathing sometimes you know. He needs to get it sorted out."
"He'd kill me if I did that� might even give him a heart attack and I can't have that."
"Yeah, but you don't want him stoppin' breathin' on ya in the middle of the night." Polly's hand hovers above the tannoy button. "Just for a few seconds."
"I don't know Pol." June shook her head.
"It's for his own good. If it's just you and him he can still deny it, if everyone knows�"
"If you must� but not right now, give me time to go and hide first� or at least make myself look busy so he can't blame me straight away."
"I'll give you a couple of minutes."
***
June ran off and went back to the CSU, trying to look inconspicuous. Then, a little later, the tannoy flickered into life and the most horrendous noise in the world came from it. Everyone looked up.
"What the hell�" Jim muttered standing up.
June tried to hide in the corner as more loud snores echo around the station.
"June� come here a minute."
June walked warily towards him.
"Don't come the innocent with me." He said as she approached him. "This is down to you isn't it?"
"It was Polly's idea." She ducked her head. "You need to face up to it, Jim."
"So you have to humiliate me like this?" He turned away from her looking out of the window.
"It's only because I'm worried about you, you could have that sleep apnoea, and by denying you snore you could be ignoring a serious medical condition."
Jim ignored her, his frame solid and angry as he stared out of the window.
"Jim, I'm sorry, I'll go and tell her to turn it off. Look, nobody knows it was�" She looked around; everyone was looking at Jim and smirking.
"Only everyone in here, and I'm sure within� oooh 30 seconds� the rest of the nick will know." He looked at her before stomping out of the room, the door shutting behind him with a loud bang.
June's eyes fell shut, and she moved quickly back to the interview room. "Polly, turn it off." She snapped, tears forming in her eyes. Polly turned and hit the tannoy button. Nothing happened, the tape was still transmitting. She hit the stop button to stop the tape but it came flying off and landed on the floor.
"I'm sorry June." Polly moved over to her, sliding her arm around her friend. "I thought he'd see the joke."
"Well, he didn't� just stop this!!!" June hit the tannoy button over and over but it did not respond.
"Calm down June�" Polly moved in front of her. "You'll break it hitting it like that."
"Stupid thing!" She yelled. "Where's that stop button gone�" She got on her hands and knees. About thirty seconds later though, there is silence. "Thank God for that." June sighed.
"See. Panic over." Polly smiled. But then they both looked up as they heard the familiar click on the tape of another recording beginning.
This time it isn't snoring; a few gasped breaths, some banging, before a guttural female moan fills the room, a slight respite then "Aaaaaaaaaaah Jim�"
"No� NO!" June yelled. "Please let this be a nightmare!"
Polly looked up at her, covering her mouth as she tried not to laugh. The moaning on tape increased in both volume and frequency.
"This isn't funny!" June looked at the tape player desperately. It never dawned on her to simply turn the volume down...
June stood shaking, Polly watching her. A sudden bang alerted them to another presence in the room. They turned to look� Gina Gold. "What the hell is going on here?" She stomped over to the corner and hit the mute button on the cassette recorder.
"I� I�" June stuttered. "It was� this is�" She looked at Polly then bolted from the room. She charged through the station, down the stairs past people giggling and talking, and out of the front doors. She looked around, looking for an escape, and saw Jim just about to get into his car.
"Jim� wait! Please�" She runs over to him, grabbing the car door. "Don't go."
"Why? So you can humiliate me some more?"
"You're humiliated�? I take it you missed what was next on the tape?"
"Quite frankly, I don't care." He pulled the door out of June's grasp and slammed it shut, stalking off across the car park. "How could you do this to me?"
"Jim please�" She felt tears welling up and turned away.
"Alright, I admit it, I snore. I'm sorry, I can't help it." He shrugged.
"It's not that." June sniffed.
"Then what is it?"
"I'll never be able to look at anyone again�" She turned away from Jim, walking over to the small wall around the car park and sat down, burying her head in her hands.
"Why... what's wrong? June, I didn't mean to walk out, I... June, what's the matter?" He approached her, placing his hands on her shoulders.
"The tape� you must have stopped snoring and it switched off� it's reactivated by loud noises�"
"And�?" Jim looked at her as she flushed and looked away. "You don't mean�"
"And you think a tape of you snoring was embarrassing? Don't worry, act two was solely down to me."
Jim looked at her, nodding slowly. Then he released his hold and walked away. He stopped and placed his head in his hands. From where she was, June could see his body quaking.
"Jim?"
He shook his head, his body still shaking.
"If you're laughing I'm going to kill you." She stood up and approached him slowly.
"I'm� not� laughing�" Jim stuttered, his entire body rocking. "Honestly I'm�not�"
"Oh so when it was the other way round I wasn't allowed to laugh." She grabbed him spinning him round to face her, one look at his face, tears of laughter streaming from his eyes was enough to set her off. "I� suppose� it is kind of funny�" She giggled. "But the entire nick heard."
"So?" Jim simply said, chortling away.
"So�?" She slapped him playfully. "You do remember just what we got up to this morning don't you?"
"How could I possibly forget. June� there's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Not much." she flushed. "Though I suppose it'll do your reputation the world of good."
"It'll be forgotten in a couple of days." He pulled her close. "But, yeah, I reckon the lads might�" He laughed, then bent down to kiss her.
"I guess� but why me?" She shook her head before wrapping her arms around him.
"Kind of tarnished your saintly reputation hasn't it?" He ran his hands through her hair.
"Tarnished� totally destroyed I think� though I get what you mean about me being 'loud'� I never realised." She buried her head into his chest.
"Then we've both learned something today." He hugged her tightly. Then: "Uh-oh."
"Uh oh?" She paused, then shook her head again. "They're all hanging out of the window aren't they?"
"And Gina's at the door. I think she's looking for us. I think you and I are in big trouble, madam."
"Noooooooooooooo." June groaned. "Can't we jump in the car and run off?"
"We've got to face it. C'mon." Jim patted June's bottom then they both walked toward the nick. Gina's face was like thunder. "My office NOW!"
"Oh God." June muttered, squeezing Jim's hand as they approached Gina. She glanced upstairs quickly, a sea of faces filled the windows and the faint sound of cheering and applause drifted down.
***
Gina slammed the door behind her. June looked at the floor. "It was a joke ma'am - went horribly wrong."
"You're telling me! You two are experienced police officers, with almost 50 years service between you!!" Jim and June cringed as one. "And you're behaving like probationers!"
"Sorry ma'am." June shifted from foot to foot, still unable to look up.
"Your personal life is your personal life, and work is work, and I expect you to behave professionally!"
June shook her head, unable to answer.
Gina looked at them for a long minute, enjoying their discomfort. Then she laughed. "It's alright, Polly has admitted it was her idea."
"Well not exactly." June answered, defending her friend. "The tape was my idea to start with."
"But just the snoring, I assume." Gina nodded. "Frankly, I think you've been punished enough."
"Well the encore certainly wasn't my idea." June looked up finally, her face flushed. "Though he's being awfully quiet - if I knew he didn't know about the tape recorder I'd blame him."
"Yeah, I am the quiet one." Jim mumbled, stealing a glance at June.
"Well, if anyone could beat her performance I'd be surprised." Gina laughed. "Though as far as your snoring goes�"
"I'm going to go see a doctor." Jim stated.
"Good idea." Gina nodded. "As for the two of you, I think the kindest thing will be to let the two of you take the rest of the day off. Let the furore die down a bit."
"Oh thank you ma'am. " June smiled. "You're going to a doctor?" She looked at Jim amazed.
"If it'll help you sleep." Jim smiled down at her. "Can we go, ma'am?"
"You certainly can." Gina grinned ushering them out of the room. "Don't do anything I wouldn't." She whispered into June's ear. "And here's the tape� we don't want it getting into the wrong hands now do we? Didn't think the pair of you had it in you."
"Why do people keep saying that?" June mumbled. Then she looked up to Jim, with a devilish look in her eye. "Come on, you."
"Watch out Jim!" Gina laughed.
***
Home, 90 minutes later. June nestled down in Jim's arms. "I couldn't have concentrated today anyway. Not after this morning." She ran her fingers down his chest.
"That was some performance." He grinned. "Do I get to hear the tape? I think I'm the only person in the borough not to have."
"Why do you need to hear the tape when you can hear the live performance?"
"Well when you put it like that!" He laughed, bending his head down to kiss her.
"I can't help being enthusiastic, you do that to me�" She put her arm round the back of his neck and pulled him down.
***
Outside, ten minutes later, Mr James was in the garden as a young woman in a suit pulled up outside and got out of her car. "Mr James?" She asked, walking up to the gate.
"Yes, you must be from the council?"
"Lucy Standish, Environmental Health." She flashed her ID. "I gather you have a complaint about your neighbours."
"Yes�"
"Noise pollution? You weren't that specific in your call�" She looked down at her form.
"It's rather delicate you see."
"Delicate?" Lucy tipped her head to the side.
"Yes� I don't quite know how to put this politely."
"Just tell me."
"Well he snores like a fog horn for starters�"
"Snoring? It must be bad if you can hear it through the walls� what else?"
"Oh it is believe me. She's well� erm� she's rather vocal."
"Vocal? She shouts a lot, or� sings� or�?"
"Not exactly� Use your imagination." He shook his head.
"I� I� oh. Ah. I see." She flushed. "And how long does this� noise� go on for?"
"Most of the time they're in the house� it's unbelievable� since she moved him in� she used to be so quiet."
"I see. And are they in now, or at work�"
"Erm not sure� they went to work this morning� but they very often come back for dinner. I've been doing the back garden you see."
"Right. I'll go and check." Lucy moved round to June's gate and up the pathway. Just as she reached the door she heard a loud moan come from the upstairs window. "I see what you mean�" She blushed as she turned to Mr James. "They're like this all the time?!"
"Well, not all the time, but until the early hours." He shrugged. "So, what are you waiting for?"
***
Upstairs, June froze. "Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" Jim muttered, before returning to kissing her neck.
"Someone� ahhh� knocking."
"Ignore it� it'll only be those double glazing salespeople." He said breathlessly.
"Jim� I can't� do this� knowing someone's outside�"
"Like that's stopped you before� " He laughed, his hand sliding over her skin. "It never stopped you in the park�"
"Jim. I can't�" She pushed him back, away. "I'll go see who it is."
"Juuuune� " He whined. "You can't leave now."
"Just think warm thoughts." June smiled, slipping into her dressing gown. She descended the stairs and unlocked the door.
"Spoilsport." He shouted. "I'll make you pay for this."
June shook her head as she opened the door.
"Hello - Ms Ackland? I'm Lucy Standish, Environmental Health."
"Hi." June stuck her head around the door, pulling her dressing gown tightly around her.
"I'm sorry to� interrupt. It's just we've had a complaint from one of your neighbours"
"A complaint�" June looked confused.
"About noise levels. Apparently� you've been disturbing your neighbours with� um�"
June raised an eyebrow and blushed. "You don't mean� surely not�"
"Yes. That and some rather loud snoring."
"That's not me." June said quickly
"I wasn't suggesting it was. Look, this is just an informal visit to tell you to� um, keep it down."
"Erm ok." June looked at the floor. "Sorry."
"If there are many more complaints, we may have to serve an injunction to� um, stop you�"
June bit her lip trying not to laugh. "I understand."
"Good. Just one last question�"
"Yes�"
"Your boyfriend� he doesn't have a brother or anything, does he?"
"Afraid not�" June smiled. "And no I'm not willing to share either."
"I� OK. Just� bear in mind what I've� maybe if you could move the bed from the wall, or if you have a spare room on the other side of the house�"
"Or move to a detached house." June smiled. "We'll think of something� and we're definitely getting his snoring fixed."
"Good. Thank you."
June closed the door and headed up the stairs, chuckling.
"You took your time�" Jim rolled over to face her. "What's so funny."
"We've just had an official complaint lodged against us. About the noise."
"Noise?"
"Yes. Noise. You� and me."
Jim laughed. "Oh dear� June Ackland� who'd have thought it? But not my snoring this time?"
"It did come into the conversation. That we can fix, but� we've been banished to the spare room." June smiled, reaching out for Jim's hand and pulling him up.
"What right now? It's only a single bed." He whined. "Still, won't the neighbours on the other side complain?"
"Have you heard those two? They're worse than us! And the lounge is on the other side of the house, and the kitchen� the hallway�"
"Lead the way then." He climbed out of bed, his eyes twinkling.
"Where first� or should we test them all out�" June breathed, pushing him in through the door of the spare room and up against the wall.
"Oh you already decided�" He kissed her hungrily before pulling away. "The bed too boring for you."
"Mmmm. Saint June no longer exists. The new June is up for anything." She pressed her body against his. "And so, it appears, are you�"
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