Two hours later, Jim walked down a long driveway to a large, red brick building. He clutched the bouquet of roses to him protectively, remembering the last time he had been here, and how painful that time had been. However painful that was, however, compared nothing to the agony of knowing June was here, and he was to blame. He pushed open the large front door and approached the reception desk, stopping to look around as memories flooded back. "Can I help you sir..." A friendly looking young lady turned to him interrupting his daydream. "Are you here to see someone?"
"Yes... June Ackland? She was admitted yesterday..."
"Yes... I know who you mean. Have I seen you somewhere before... you look familiar?"
"I... was a patient here about four years ago." Jim smiled wryly.
"Well, you're looking really well now. I thought I recognised you. It must be strange to be back."
"I wish this wasn't happening." He ducked his eyes. "Where can I find June..."
"I think she's sat outside... enjoying the nice weather. The big garden at back... I'm sure you remember." The girl smiled at him.
"I do... I spent a lot of time there." Jim thanked her then walked away, remembering the layout easily, walking through a dining room towards a conservatory and a set of double doors which led out onto the garden, which was full of flowers, blooming after the recent rain. He scanned around himself, spotting June sitting alone on a bench a few hundred metres ahead.
She was sat in the sun, her legs curled up underneath her, seemingly talking to herself. A book was discarded on the floor beside her shoes; a glass of orange juice on the low table beside her.
"It's a good place to relax, isn't it?" Jim stood a little way behind her, spoke in soft tones.
"Jim..." June looked up visibly startled. "Hey it's OK puss." She said softly to the ball of fur perched on her lap.
"Hey, who's this?" Jim circled round in front of her.
"This is Tigger, because she looks like a tiger. Isn't she adorable?"
"Very." Jim smiled. "How are you?"
"Tired..."
"I'm not surprised. Do you mind if I... sit down." He gestured to the bench. "My leg..." He smiled lop-sidedly at her.
"No go ahead." June picked up the kitten and rearranged herself, making room on the bench for Jim.
"These are for you." He proffered the bouquet. "From everyone at Sun Hill."
"They're lovely... I love roses." She took hold of them and sniffed them. "Mmmmmm."
"You know..." Jim mused after an awkward silence. "When I was here they had golden retrievers, long haired, Honey and Purdy. They could always sense when you were upset."
"Animals have a knack for that. Toto's good at that..." She raised a hand to her mouth. "Toto..."
"Polly's taken him in... don't worry."
"Polly... and you don't want me to worry." June rolled her eyes.
"Yeah..." Jim laughed and hiked an eyebrow. "I had all this stuff in my head I wanted to say to you and now..."
"Do people know I'm here..." June looked worried.
"No... no-one. I'm on sick leave." Jim rolled his eyes. "But Marie doesn't know that."
"I don't want them to know... they mustn't find out." June panicked.
"They won't, I won't say a word."
"They'll... they'll think I'm mad."
"Nobody thinks that. We all get... tired."
"I've been so nasty to everyone, I'll be surprised if they even care... they're probably holding a party right now."
"June, don't be silly... everyone at Sun Hill loves you, and they'll welcome you back with open arms... but... I won't be there." His face flushed red and he looked away, focusing his attention on Tigger.
"You're still leaving then."
"Not straight away... I have to work out my notice."
"You'll be gone before I get back then." June said sadly.
"Guess so. I was going to put in for a transfer, but Marie..."
"What's she done this time?"
"She wants me to leave the force."
"And you're going to do what she says?"
"Maybe if I do what she wants she'll... settle down."
June snorted. "Sorry..."
"I know what you think of her, but the Marie I met and fell in love with was... she was different and she *did* make me feel alive, if... we could get back to that..."
"Or die trying..." June muttered.
"I can't stop loving her. I want to, I wish I could, but I can't stop..." He shook his head angrily. "I can't stop loving you, either."
"Don't say that Jim... don't do this to me." June looked down at Tigger and murmured softly to her.
"Don't do what?"
"Say that you love me."
"It's the truth."
"I can't deal with that... too much other stuff to deal with..."
"I'm sorry, I... I knew this would happen." Jim shook his head and made to stand.
"I'm sorry, I can't help snapping at you." June looked up at him. "I wish I could..."
"Whatever I say it's the wrong thing, whatever I do destroys you further."
"It's not you destroying me..." June ducked her head.
"Then what is it?"
"It's my age..."
"What... June, I don't understand."
"Do I have to spell it out?" June shook her head. "The change... the... the menopause."
"June... why... why aren't you doing something about it, there's treatments..."
"Since when were you an expert?" June smiled wryly. "I can't... too much risk."
"Wh... the breast cancer. I know how worried you were." Jim nodded to himself. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I just couldn't... I'm seeing a doctor here later, and a counsellor."
"Well, good, but you should have told me. I thought..."
"What did you think?" June looked up at him shyly.
"I thought it was all down to me... I'm getting like Marie, thinking the world revolves around me."
"If I'm being honest you... you didn't help. I was always so determined never to let the menopause get on top of me, like it did my mother. It's just so hard to deal with... the feelings of being unattractive and barren... and then you leaving me for Marie... and wanting to start a family with her..." June wiped a tear from her eye.
"I don't." Jim said suddenly.
"But... you always wanted children Jim... that's what stood between us."
"No... June, it didn't matter. It really didn't. I never even thought about it."
"Don't lie to me Jim. I can tell when you're lying."
"June... I am NOT lying." He turned to face her, met her eyes.
"So how do you explain what you said to me when we looked after Brandon's kids?"
"What� when?"
"You looked so happy playing with them... said we should have... get some of our own."
"June... it was a throwaway comment. I was joking."
"No you were serious Jim... I saw your face."
"Stop trying to tell me how I felt. I don't want kids, I haven't since my... problem."
"What? Jim you *always* wanted a heap of mini-Carvers running around you. You'd be a wonderful father. And I couldn't give you that... even if I'd wanted to."
"June... it's like your family with the cancer, there is a history of alcoholism in my family. I thought I'd beaten it but I fell... I'm not going to subject a child to that. And I'm not going to be any part of Marie screwing up another child's life."
"She'll trick you into it Jim..."
"No... no she won't. June... I had a vasectomy two months ago. When I had that long weekend."
"You did what?" June's face was full of disbelief. "Jim... she'll... she'll go mad."
"What she doesn't know..." Jim shrugged.
"She didn't notice anything..."
"No... I said I was going diving, she didn't like it but she let me go... told her I'd hurt my leg coming off the boat..."
"You've changed Jim..."
"What?"
"She's made you change."
"Yeah, well I..." Jim shook his head. "You said, a while ago, maybe victims of abuse get the partners they deserve."
"I was wrong... I didn't mean that. I'm not fit to deal with abuse cases, not after Monica."
"That's your decision. I'm in no place to try to convince you otherwise. I mean, I don't listen."
"You are... were... a great listener."
"I didn't listen when you told me to leave Marie... I didn't listen in the cellar when you said things were moving too fast, and I didn't listen when you told me that despite everything, despite my flaws, you still loved me."
"You loved Marie then." June shrugged.
"Before then... when I... threw it all away..." Jim swallowed. "You were telling me that my drinking didn't change a thing... I should have..." He placed his hand to his forehead.
"You followed your heart. It led you away from me, I should have accepted that."
"No... I didn't think I deserved you, deserved your love or support."
"Don't make me out to be some sort of saint, Jim. I've treated you so badly lately."
"No... you've only said what was true. I was on the rebound - and I attached myself to someone just as vulnerable as myself. I didn't even wait long enough to discover who she really was."
"With my behaviour these last few months... I've alienated all my friends, you included. I don't know if I'll even go back to Sun Hill... All this started long before you and I split up."
"June... you can't leave."
"Maybe I should retire on health grounds... I'm not safe to be around the general public."
"June... you're going to be alright."
"No one can guarantee that. And I can't face another enquiry or another possible disciplinary. It was so humiliating." She looked at Jim.
"I know what it's like June, I... June, if you come back, I... promise I'll still be there."
"You're leaving... I can't promise anything right now... I have to take things one step at a time."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm going to leave Marie."
"I've heard that before." June muttered.
"No... you're right... you were right when you said abusers care nothing for their victims."
"You have to understand why I can't believe you 'til I know it's happened. I saw what you to were like at the hospital yesterday. I can't afford to get my hopes up."
"I know... but... I promise I'll try." He lifted his arm, pulled back the sleeve of his shirt. "This... can't carry on."
"Did she do that last night... because of me." June gazed at the cuts and bruises on his arm. "What did she use this time?"
"Her fists, her nails. And I can't hit her back."
"You're too much of a gentleman. You didn't answer my question though. What that a punishment for me?"
Jim regarded her for a long moment, then nodded slowly.
"I'm... sorry." June bit her lip.
"Don't be."
"I should have stayed away from the hospital."
"No....I needed you there. To see a loving face instead of a threatening one."
"Look what good it did."
"It did... for the first time in so long I felt relaxed... at peace... not scared."
"If I hadn't hugged you last night... if she hadn't walked in..."
"We can't change the past, but I can change the future. I'll tell her, stand up to her. Report her."
"For yourself?"
"Yeah... and for you. I can't� I'm not expecting it to make things right between us, but... I need you in my life so much more than I need her."
"You have to do this for yourself Jim, not for me... you know I need you, but..." She shrugged.
"But what..."
"I can't make your decisions for you... and I also can't guarantee that any kind of treatment I have here will make a difference."
"I know... but I'll help you... if you want me to. But if you want me to walk out of your life, here, now, just say."
"You know how I feel about you." June reached out for his hand, dropping the kitten onto the floor.
"Yeah... and I should never have doubted it." Jim intertwined his fingers with hers.
June looked at her watch. "Jim... I have to go..."
"Yeah... course." Jim nodded. "I'll come visit again, in a couple of days... if you want."
"I don't want you to leave me now... but I've got appointments... I can't let any more people down."
"It's OK... I'll be back - Friday afternoon, I promise."
"You promise? I'll try to be... a bit better by then. For you."
"No..." Jim squeezed her hand tightly. "For you."
***
Friday morning.
Jim opened his eyes as sunlight streamed in through the bedroom window. He shifted uncomfortably, moving himself further away from Marie and rolling over, turning his back to her.
"Hey..." Her eyes cracked open and she reached out a hand to stroke his back, seemingly ignoring the scars and bruises that remained there.
Jim tensed and sat up. "I'm going for a shower... long day ahead."
"You've got plenty of time..." She whispered.
"No I haven't."
"Jim, it's only seven - you don't have to be in until nine." She sat up, reached for him.
"And I've got piles of stuff to get through, it's not easy with June being away. Ramani doesn't know what's what yet." He got to his feet.
"What's the matter with you?" She asked, looking up at him. "You've been like this ever since the accident."
"Ever since I've been in charge of the department... it takes it out of you."
"All the more reason to relax. And... remember, the more we... the more chance..." She looked up at him. "The more chance we'll have a baby Carver here to join our happy home."
"I don't think so Marie. I'm going for a shower now."
"Jim..." She got to her feet. "Then why don't I join you?"
"No Marie." He stalked into the en-suite bathroom and slammed the door, wrenching the lock across.
Marie sat back down on the bed, unflinchingly watching the door until Jim emerged in a dark blue dressing gown, crossing the room to the wardrobe and pulling out a shirt and trousers.
"Sure you're going to work this early?" She snorted.
"Where else *would* I be going?" He snapped back.
"To warm June's bed... you've been off sex since she came back on the scene."
"That may be true, but June had nothing to do with it." Jim pulled on a pair of black jeans.
"So you're not denying that you're going to her place."
"Do you *actually* ever believe a word I say?" Jim spun to face her.
"Do you ever tell me the truth?" Marie got to her feet and glared at him.
"I always tell you the truth. Problem is you only believe what you want to."
"Then come back to bed."
"Excuse me?" Jim shook his head, incredulous.
"Show me that you love me." She purred.
Jim took one step towards the bed. "No. How can you touch me in love one minute, and the next..."
"You make me do it... you get me so angry."
"Don't put this onto me." Jim shook his head, angry tears building up in his eyes. "You're the one with the problem." He pulled on his pink shirt.
"You're always bringing *her* into conversation. I married you, not her."
"No - YOU'RE the one who is always talking about her. YOU'RE the one who's constantly making June Ackland an issue."
"How much more of your notice is left?"
"Three and a half weeks."
"Then I think you should get out of it. I've found a lovely house in Liverpool. Four bedrooms, garden..."
"Four bedrooms?!"
"One for us, one for Ben, one or two for the little Carvers, or maybe a spare room or office." Marie smiled.
"You're delusional."
"No I'm not... there could one on the way now... if we've been lucky."
"I don't think so." Jim shook his head.
"Well I'm not on the pill, I lied to you there. And we haven't always been careful have we?"
"You lied to me? That's no surprise. But THIS might be... I've been lying to you too." He leant down, staring at her.
"I only did it for you..."
"No, you did it for yourself, like you do EVERYTHING for yourself. I haven't been able to do anything for me since the day we married. Apart from one thing..."
"What are you talking about, love?"
"There are going to be no baby Carvers." He snapped.
"Never say never. I'm not past it..."
"No... I've made sure of it."
"What do you mean?" Marie frowned.
"You remember that long weekend, when I went diving with the boys... oh yes, you must... I remember the argument..." He snapped, bitter, his face flushing red.
"You provoked me." Marie spat. "I had plans for that weekend."
"No you didn't. You only SAID you did when I told you I was going away. And I *know* what you were thinking."
"You don't know ANYTHING. And just what was I supposed to be thinking?"
"You thought I was with June, didn't you?"
"Well you certainly didn't take your snorkel away with you."
"I wasn't with June. Even she doesn't know where I was that weekend."
"Sure you weren't *diving* under the covers with her?"
"Oh, for God's SAKE!" Jim yelled. "You want to know where I was, I was at a clinic in north London, having a vasectomy!"
"You what?!" Marie raged, throwing herself at him amidst a flurry of flying fists.
Jim grabbed for her wrists. "Just stop IT!" He yelled. "Is it any wonder I don't want to have children with you! I wouldn't subject them to it!"
"You couldn't have kept that secret for long." Marie spat. "Think I wouldn't notice?"
"For gods sake Marie, you're 41 years old."
"So? She must be knocking on for 50."
"This got NOTHING to do with June, leave her OUT of this!"
"What's so special about her anyway?"
"Everything. That's what." Jim regarded her, tears pouring down his cheeks. "I just didn't realise soon enough."
"I hate you." Marie slapped his face.
"The feeling is mutual." Jim spun away from her, reaching up and pulling a suitcase down from the top of the wardrobe.
"And just what the hell do you think you're doing now?"
"Work it out for yourself, Marie. One day you'll realise that not everyone in the world marches to your tune."
"Nor to yours. You're nothing special Jim."
"I never thought I was. You, though..." He unzipped the suitcase, started bundling clothes in.
"I'll be damned if I'm letting you leave." She pushed him away from the case.
"Why... why, it'll give you so much less to worry about, won't it?"
"You are not leaving me and going back to her." She threw the suitcase across the room. "Remember your vows."
"I vowed to love the person I thought you were."
"Til death do us part." Marie spat.
"Is that why you've been trying to kill me?" Jim looked up at her, his entire body shaking.
"You what?!"
"Bit by bit..." Tears rolled down his cheeks, he wiped at them roughly with the back of his hand.
"You can't talk to me like this." She looked around the room, picked up a bedside lamp and threw it at him.
"So what gives you the right to speak to me the way you do?!"
"You never loved me." Marie began pelting him with whatever she could get her hands on.
"I did. I DID." He screamed back, picking up a pillow and throwing it back at her.
"Was this some kind of sick game to make *her* jealous?"
"Before we got married, you were different. I TOLD you about June. You knew about her, you didn't seem to care."
"I didn't know you were obsessed with her."
"YOU'RE obsessed with her! You are insanely jealous!"
"With good reason. You going running to her now and I'll make your lives hell."
"I'm not going to run to her."
"Likely story."
"No... no. What I need to do now is get away from YOU."
"You'll never get away from me. Go on... what are you waiting for, she's probably still in bed waiting for you. I bet you've both planned this. A good laugh was it?"
"No, not a moment of this was funny." Jim set his jaw, looked down at his clothes on the bed, shaking his head. Then he picked up his keys and wallet. "Keep them." He gestured to the suitcase. "Something to remind you of me."
"I don't want your rags." Marie spat.
"And I don't want to see you again. Ever." Jim stormed from the room.
"You walk out of here and you'll regret it." Marie shouted, giving chase.
"No... no, I don't think I will, actually." Jim pivoted on the landing to face her.
"Watch your backs... both of you." Marie hissed.
"You go anywhere NEAR June, and I will kill you myself, and damn the consequences." Jim raged.
"I know where she lives remember."
"What... WHAT is WRONG with you?" Jim screamed, a vein in his forehead pulsing.
"There is nothing wrong with me." Marie yelled back.
"In my world, in everyone else's world, threatening to kill someone is the product of a very sick mind."
"I must have been sick to marry you."
"Then maybe we do have something in common."
"Get out... and don't come back unless you're really, really sorry." Marie grabbed a vase from the table beside her and hurled it at him.
He ducked out of the way, but not fast enough as the vase shattered against a wall and a shard sliced a gouge in his cheek. He clamped his hand to his cheek. "You seem to be forgetting something, Marie..."
"And what is that Jim?"
"That I'm a police officer. That I work in a Community Safety Unit. That I can report you for all of this."
"You want the world to know you're a wimp." Marie laughed.
"I don't care." Jim shrugged. "You need locking up... or help... or... something." He spat at her with an expression of disgust. "And as for Ben..."
"He has NOTHING to do with you."
"Who do you think he turns to after you've laid into him?"
"I've never touched him."
"No... but he's heard us arguing, he's seen you hit me. And you're always nagging at him, pressurising him. He's at a tough age, Marie, he doesn't need it."
"We coped perfectly well before Saint Jim entered the household, you're not indispensable, no matter what you think."
"Then why are you trying to stop me leaving? Why do you care so much? Why don't you just let me go and forget me, and forget June? You might feel better if you're not constantly carrying around so much hate." Jim pulled his hand from his cheek, looked at the blood on his palm.
"Just get out of my sight." Marie screamed, turning to look for something else to throw at him.
"Gladly." Jim turned and made his way down the stairs.
Marie followed him down the stairs. "Good riddance." She screamed after him as she kicked the door shut. Her temper got the better of her and she stormed into the lounge ripping drawers out of units and smashing everything she could get her hands on. "I hate you Jim Carver." She yelled as their wedding photo hit the wall and the glass shattered everywhere. "I'll make you pay."
Jim walked away down the path, shaking, swallowing, trying to catch his breath, listening to the screams in the house behind him. He turned around, looked up at the building, his eyes falling shut. "I'm sorry, Ben..." He muttered. "I'm so sorry...." Wiping at the tears that flowed down his cheeks, he bundled himself into his car and drove away.
................. on to Part Five
Back to Homepage Review Back to Stories