*written before the relevant episodes aired � how it probably should have happened!*
After returning from her cruise, June was looking for something in Jim's desk when she came across an engagement ring � presuming it was for her, she got excited when Jim asked her out for a drink, saying they needed to talk.
***
"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" June reached over to touch Jim's hand, smiling softly.
"Erm... fancy a drink?"
June shook her head. "No, I'm fine. What's on your mind?"
"It can wait. Tell me about your holiday."
"I had a fantastic time, met some nice people, lots of sun." She ducked her head. "Wish you'd been there with me."
"I could do with a holiday... after everything that's happened lately." He sighed. "Not been a great year so far."
"No... but... you look better."
"I feel better than when you went away. Managed to sort out some... issues."
"The drink..."
"For one." He looked away.
"Jim... before I left, you... I got the idea you wanted to... that maybe things had changed."
"June..." He stopped and shook his head. "Things have changed but..."
"But what?" June leant forward again, placing her hand on his, and squeezing it tightly. "You know you can tell me, Jim, you can tell me anything. I'm here for you."
"It's not that simple." He picked up his mineral water shaking off June's hands and took a sip. "Things changed whilst you were away."
"Like what?" June clamped her hand around her own glass, a lump beginning to form in her throat. Jim was being evasive, nothing like she had expected.
"I... I..." He rubbed his face, unable to look June in the eyes. "I don't know how to tell you this."
June nodded and looked down. "It's over isn't it? It really is over."
"I'm sorry June." He looked at her, reaching out to touch her hand.
"No... I suppose I knew, deep down. I still don't know why, I still don't know where it went wrong, but..." She sucked in a deep breath. "It's alright. Honestly."
"The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I hope... that we can still be friends."
"Yeah... of course." Her mind flashed back to the engagement ring she had found in Jim's desk earlier that day. "Jim... you're..." She shook her head, laughed at herself. "You're not seeing someone else, are you?"
"Who told you?" He answered immediately before realising his mistake. "June, believe me when I say this was the last thing I expected to happen."
"You're telling me." Her face froze. "Glad to know you've moved on with your life so quickly, Jim."
"I didn't plan it.... It just... happened."
"That's fine, I'm happy for you." She looked back down to her glass. "What's her name?"
"Her name's Marie." He answered, visibly shocked from how well June had taken the news.
"Marie. Is she older, younger?" June picked up her glass, downed a mouthful. "Blonde and beautiful?" She forced herself to smile.
"The same age as me." Jim couldn't help but smile. "She's not blonde either."
"You always did prefer brunettes." June finished her glass. "I need another. I'll be right back."
Jim remained at the table thinking, he was baffled by how well June was responding to the news. He'd expected her to cry, something he hated, or at least to be yelled at. He watched her as she walked to the bar, ordered and returned to the table with a large straight whisky.
"Careful with that." He nodded toward her drink.
"I think I've earned it." She lifted the glass and knocked the contents back in one.
"No, I mean it June, slow down."
She sighed, slamming her glass down onto the table. "What do you care?"
Jim started, expecting yet surprised by the reaction. He looked at her, waiting for her to continue.
"What Jim... why are you looking at me like that? You didn't expect me to react to the news that you dump me to jump straight into bed with another woman?" She looked up at him, her eyes slightly damp, but her anger brimming. "So you going to at least buy me a drink?"
"What would you like?" He muttered quietly, standing up.
"Same again please."
"You..." He shook his head and sighed, going to the bar and getting another whisky for June, tempted, just for a second, to get another for himself. He returned to the table, dropping the glasses down. "I didn't jump straight into bed with her."
"So you waited til I'd at least got on board the ship then?"
"June... I..." He shook his head. "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too Jim, sorry I fell in love with you and let you break my heart." She took a swig of her drink.
"June, it wasn't working. You have to admit that."
"It was working 'til you got cold feet Jim. Or is there something you aren't telling me?" She looked up at him. "You weren't seeing us both at the same time were you?"
"Of course not! What do you think I am!" He hissed.
"I don't know Jim - I honestly feel that I don't know you anymore." She drained her glass. "I thought you were my best friend but now..."
"I'm still your best friend. That's all... June... when we were best friends things were great, we never rowed, we told each other everything. As soon as we became lovers that all changed, and I hated it."
"But you let me fall in love with you Jim," she looked up at him, tears forming in her eyes. "You shouldn't have let it go on for so long... led me on like that."
"I thought it might change. But we argued about everything... even getting together, moving in together, going public... I just wanted my best friend back, June..."
"You knew how unsure I was about the whole thing but you still went ahead with it - letting me fall head over heels for you and then leaving me in a pile on the floor. And you wonder why I'm annoyed... I'm getting another drink. Want anything?" She rose from her seat looking harshly at Jim.
"June, getting drunk isn't going to solve anything." He grabbed her arm.
She shook his arm away. "I don't intend to Jim. What do you care anyway?"
"Of course I care!" He looked up at her, his eyes wet with tears. "That's what I'm trying to explain! I know I treated you badly, I know I should have explained to you how I was feeling instead of doing what I did... but I can't turn back the clock, all I can do is say sorry!"
June stomped off to the bar, returning with another drink. "It all makes sense now I think about it. The sympathetic looks since I returned, the talking and whispering behind my back - bet they all were having a right laugh. I guess I was the last to find out." She slunk down into her seat.
"Tony found out, and he took great delight in spreading it round the nick. I probably deserve it."
June smirked. "Good old Tony - remember what he said to you when we got together "If you hurt her..." I'd watch your back Jim. You know what he's like."
"I've talked to him, he seems to accept it. He's met Marie, and..."
"And..." June's eyes bulged and she reached for her drink.
"He can see she's good for me."
June sighed. "Go on then, tell me about her, I'll only find out on the grapevine... at least this way I can work out a response in advance."
"She's my age, like I said... I met her... I was assigned to her as family liaison officer..."
"Marie Graham?" June looked shocked. "You're marrying Marie Graham?"
"Marrying?" Jim jumped. "Who said anything about marrying?!"
June looked at the table. "You're not denying it?"
"How did you find out?"
She drained her whiskey. "I... I saw the ring." She muttered into the glass.
"You went into my desk?" Jim dropped his now empty glass to the table.
"I was looking for some paperwork the other night when I got back, I couldn't find it anywhere. Tried your mobile but it was switched off, expect you were otherwise engaged." She spat. "You were working on the case so it was the logical place to look."
"I was going to tell you. But with everything else, with Matt's death, and�"
"I suppose I should credit you with telling me. I could have found out on the Sun Hill grapevine."
"June... Marie and I are getting married. She proposed to me, but I turned her down... then, I...." He rolled his eyes. "Guess it just sounds all too familiar."
"You can say that again..." She looked up at him." But tell me something Jim, you couldn't be with me because you were afraid of commitment. What's changed?"
"I was never afraid of commitment." He looked up at her. "I was just afraid of committing to you."
"Gee thanks." June sighed. "You do realise just how unprofessional sleeping with someone you're assigned to as FLO is don't you Jim. I'd've thought better of you. Someone like Matt I'd've expected it from." Her eyes filled with tears. "Still family liaison is what you're best at... as you've just proved. You're not sleeping with Abi Nixon too are you?" She scoffed.
Jim shook his head. "This is exactly why I left you, June." He swallowed, picked up his coat from the back of his chair and got up.
"Jim please." She stood up and reached out to him. "Don't leave it like this, surely I have a right to be angry."
"You do, but... oh, forget it. I knew this would happen." He shook his head and stormed off toward the exit.
June sat for a minute, stunned at his reaction before getting up and chasing him out of the pub. She pushed her way in front of him, tears streaming down her face. "Jim Carver don't you dare leave it like this. I'm still in love with you, of course I'm going to be angry you're marrying someone else..." She stopped as her voice cracked.
"You just don't see it do you? You just don't understand this at all!" Jim stopped, towering over her.
She looked up at him "Jim... don't be like this... please..." Her voice faltered and cracked as a huge sob worked its way out and she slumped against the wall. "Jim..."
"June..." He wiped at his own tears. "Please, you have to listen to me and you have to understand, I can't bear to see you like this... come and sit in my car, let's talk things over, sensibly, eh?"
June nodded unable to talk, her small frame shaking with tears.
"Come on..." Jim put his arm around her shoulders, passing her a filthy looking handkerchief and muttering his apologies. He unlocked the car and she bundled herself in, waiting as he got in and sat in the driver's seat. "June...the first thing I have to say is, I do love you."
"Then why all this?"
"Because... I don't love you in that way." He looked down. "I wish I did. I thought I did."
"I thought I'd been in love... until I fell for you� and I can't... can't just turn my feelings off. I wish I could believe me."
"I should never have... this should never have happened. I've done this to you, and I don't deserve for you to ever forgive me."
"I don't want to feel like this Jim... I know that if I stay angry with you I'll lose you forever and I don't want that. I need you around me Jim - twenty years we've known each other and we can't throw that away."
Jim nodded. "June, in any other circumstances, you'd be happy for me, wouldn't you?"
She looked up at him and swallowed, nodding slowly. "If only we could turn the clock back one year, if I didn't feel like this about you I'd be so happy for you. All you deserve is happiness Jim... But I can't help wishing it was me." She sobbed.
"June, I can't marry you because I don't want to lose you." Jim gripped his hands round the steering wheel, looked straight ahead.
"I don't understand Jim." She turned to face him, taking deep breaths to calm herself down.
"June, you and I, we were so passionate, both ... sex wise... and in our arguments, it was like... nothing I'd ever experienced before. When we made love it was like... " He shook his head. "But when we rowed, we would say things, and throw things, and... June, I was terrified."
"And you don't think I was? There's never been anyone in my life that made me feel the way you did. The passion between us was... well you know what it was like. I was scared by how I felt about you and that's why it took me so long to commit to you and I'm sorry for that."
Jim nodded slowly. "I was so scared one day I'd say something or do something that would make you hate me."
"I could never hate you." She reached out to him and ran a finger down his face.
"June, no." Jim pulled back. "Please don't do this, don't confuse things."
She looked straight at him. "I might not like you very much right now but I could never ever hate you."
"I hate me." Jim shrugged, looking at her, the honesty painfully evident in his eyes.
"Please don't hate yourself Jim, not because of me - I couldn't live with that. You're getting married you're meant to be happy."
"I am. Marie... she's sweet, and funny and loving, and she doesn't talk to me about work, or... we just have fun, we go out, take Ben bowling or to McDonalds, it's just so easy, so simple."
"Ready made family," June sniffed. "You've always wanted children. Guess that was another problem between us."
"June, if things had been different, if we'd been different, if things hadn't been so tempestuous between us... that wouldn't have mattered."
"You say that Jim... but that day in CSU with Brandon's kids I saw how your face lit up - and you dropped hints about us and children and..."
"It wouldn't have mattered." Jim looked at her, then away, suddenly sobbing. "June, I don't want to lose you... I guess... I guess I just want the best of both worlds. I want my best friend, and a wife... and a kid... God, I'm so...." He placed his head in his hands. "June, just don't leave me."
June looked over at Jim, her own tears staining her face. "I don't want to lose you Jim... I need you as much as you need me." She reached over to him placing her arm around his quivering shoulders. "Look at me Jim..."
He shook his head, turned further away from her.
"Don't be like this please Jim..." June sobbed. "I need you as a friend. Jim please. Tell me what it is that's hurting you so much."
"I...." He sat up, leant his head back against the headrest. "I just never know what I want, my mind, it just... I used to be so sure and I don't know what's happened, I don't know if I'm going mad..."
"Don't bottle things up Jim. You know what happened last time. Talk to me, talk to Marie. Just promise me one thing... promise me you'll always be there."
"I don't know if I can." He turned to look at her. "I don't know if... June, when I said just now I didn't love you in that way I was lying. I was trying to make you feel better. But... I can't... deal with us. And I don't know if I can work with you and go home to Marie, and..." He sighed. "Maybe... it would be better for both of you if I let both of you go."
"No!" June shouted as soon as the words left his mouth. "You can't leave me," she said urgently, reaching out to him. "Jim please..."
"June, I can't live with you and I can't live without you and it's tearing me apart! Things were fine with Marie until I walked into the office yesterday and saw you there...."
"I did a lot of thinking on holiday Jim. I realised it was over and decided I had to live with my feelings because I need you as a friend. But as soon as I saw you again it all came flooding back... and then I found that ring... and I thought..."
"I'm sorry, that should never have happened. June, Marie... it's all I ever wanted. But unless the two of us can reach an understanding then I'm going to be lying to her, about... I need closure. I need to know I can move on, get away from this confusion."
"If you want Marie but can't be around me then I'll have to accept that Jim. I want you as a friend but if you can't live like that then we'll have to move on. But please, at least let us try."
"I don't think we can be anything more than friends. Realistically." Jim wiped at his cheek.
"Then I'll have to accept that." She turned to face him. "I've missed you these last few weeks."
"I've missed you too. Sometimes I wondered... I was scared you were never coming back."
"I thought about it believe me... there was one person who would have married me on the spot." June scoffed. "Nice to be wanted eh?"
Jim's eyes fell closed. "June, please..."
"I didn't mean anything by that - he was an annoying Spanish waiter. Even I deserve better than that." She reached out, placing her hand on his.
"You do. And you'll find it, you'll find the one for you, June."
"I thought I had..." She sniffed. "Time to start looking again I guess."
"I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be. But that's Jim Carver all over." He smiled wryly. "Never quite meet up to expectations."
"Don't put yourself down. You're a catch Jim Carver." She smiled ruffling his hair. "Marie's a lucky woman."
"Thanks." Jim finally managed to smile. "I... look, June..." He shook his head. "No, stupid idea, Jim..." he muttered to himself.
"Jim?"
"Nothing, forget I even thought it." Jim rolled his eyes.
"Tell me? If we're going to be friends there can't be any secrets anymore."
"It's not... June, I'm... we're having an engagement party next week."
June's face fell but she forced herself to smile. "I'll be there... if you want me that is?"
"You don't have to come."
"You're my friend - I want to be there." She turned away, looking out of the door window as the tears flowed freely once more.
"June?" Jim placed a hand on her shoulder. "June..."
She shook it off. "I'm OK." Her voice was quiet and crackly. "Really I am."
"No you're not. Look, you're my best friend and I can't hurt you any more, I'll cancel the party, I..."
"No Jim don't. You deserve a party. I'm just being soft - let me be upset, it's only natural. I'll be there for you, with my present." She still refused to look at him.
"June... please.... don't do this, please, I thought we were..." He shook his head. "This is it, isn't it. It's never going to be the same and I was a fool for thinking it could be."
"Give it time Jim. I've had one hell of a shock tonight," she slowly turned to him and grasped his hand. "I need time to get over it but I'll be ok - I'm strong remember. We'll get back to normal, just let tonight's news sink in first."
"I hope so. But if you want me to go, I'll go. I'll do anything for you, June, you know that don't you? I'd give everything up if it would make your life easier."
She sobbed again. "Jim you're the nicest kindest man I've ever met. Life's dealt you a bad hand at times but you always put everyone else before you. That's one of the things I've always lo... liked about you."
"And you're the strongest, sweetest most beautiful and intelligent woman I've ever met. Any man would be lucky to have you. I hope you find the right one..." He sighed. "If you can't come to the party I'll understand."
"I'll be there� promise." She smiled through her tears and squeezed his hand.
"And... you'll like Marie. She's..." He shrugged. "I love her."
"If you like her then she's got to be nice."
"It'll be OK." Jim nodded. "It will. And I'm sorry." He reached out for her.
"I'm sorry too... sorry for snapping and being horrible tonight." She turned to look at him, forcing a smile.
"You were entitled. Am I going to get a hug?" He tipped his head to one side questioningly.
"'Course you are - you give the best hugs out of anyone I know." She grinned leaning forward into his arms.
Jim took her into his arms, squeezing her tightly, taking in her warmth and her scent, closing his eyes just for a moment, then snapping himself to, warning himself not to fall too far. "Time I was getting you home." He whispered.
"I turn into a pumpkin at midnight so you'd better hurry up." She muttered, her voice muffled against his chest as she held him tightly.
Jim laughed, a deep throaty chuckle. Then, very quietly he murmured. "I love you, June Ackland."
"I love you too Jim." June answered instantaneously.
With one last squeeze Jim let her go. He pulled on his seatbelt, watching as June did the same, then leaning her head against the cold glass of the window. He started the engine, then turned to look at her. "I'm just glad we're OK..."
"Me too." She nodded. "Here's to being friends."
"Yeah. Friends." Jim started the engine and pulled the car out of the car park. As he drove along the quiet streets, he glanced over at her. Her eyes still glistened with tears, her body was still turned just a little away. As the journey passed, he began to get a terrible feeling that all was not yet over...
***
It's a Friday night in May, and at a function room above the Alcott arms, a party is taking place. It's loud and noisy, and has been underway for about an hour. Jim Carver is sat with Marie Graham, both of them sipping orange juice. Nearly everyone who has been invited is there.
Marie slipped her hand around his waist. "This is fantastic."
"Good turn out isn't it?" Jim grinned.
"Yes. I was a bit worried, you know, well, this has been kind of a whirlwind romance." She picked up a crisp from a bowl in front of her and fed it to Jim.
"Yeah." Jim muttered, crunching the crisp loudly. "Then can obviously see that we're meant to be."
"Mmmm." She nestled her head into his chest. "You alright, though, you've been a bit quiet."
"Just overwhelmed I think... not used to being the centre of attention." He slid his arm around her shoulder and held her tightly.
"Well, you've always got my attention. I can't believe how much I love you." She shook her head, ran her hand down his chest.
"And I love you more than words can describe." He looked around the room scanning the various groups of people milling around.
"Are you sure you're alright?"
"Yeah, honest." He answered squinting into the darkened corners.
"Do you want another drink?" Marie picked up Jim's glass, which was almost empty.
"I'm alright for the moment... gotta pace myself." He grinned turning to face her. "Get yourself some champers though."
"OK. I need the loo anyway." She picked up both of their glasses and walked off. Jim sat there for a moment, and then looked up as the door swung open. Standing in the doorway were June and Polly, both clutching foil-wrapped gifts. June, he could see already, was looking fantastic, with a new haircut. Swallowing, he called them over.
"So glad you could come." He smiled, kissing them both on the cheek. "I was starting to think my two oldest mates weren't going to show."
"Had some work to do." June smiled, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "Looks like a good turn out... where's... the other guest of honour?"
"Just nipped to the loo." Jim gestured with his hand. "She'll be right back."
"Right.... well� here." June passed over her gift - it's bottle shaped. "Non-alcoholic champagne." She shrugged.
"Thanks." He smiled. "Perfect gift."
"Thought it would be. I remember you always... liked it." Their eyes met for a moment. Then they were interrupted by Marie, coming back with a glass of champagne and an orange juice. She started when she saw June. "Oooh, don't tell me - you must be Sergeant Ackland."
"I am." June forced another smile. "And this is Polly."
"Polly Page." Polly held out her hand. "Nice to meet ya, I've... heard so much about you." Polly stammered, looking at June.
"Look what June got us." Jim said suddenly sensing the tension.
"Oooh. Perfect." Marie smiled. "Thank you. I've heard a lot about you, Jim's got a great deal of respect for you, June."
"And I do for him. We go back a long way. Fancy a drink Pol?"
"Yeah. See ya later, Jim, Marie." June and Polly made their way to the bar. "What do ya want? I'm buying." Polly offered.
"Double vodka if you're offering - with ice." June sighed
"Sounds good. Two double vodkas." Polly ordered. They got their drinks and found seats at a quiet table in the corner. "So how you feeling?"
"Numb... but I had to come, he'd be so upset if I didn't and I didn't want the entire station thinking I was sour..."
"You're not. I think you're so brave coming here. We could have just stayed home and got some videos and wine in." Polly smiled.
"Well we're here now. Dunno about brave� stupid maybe. Anyway a few more of these and I won't care..." She raised her glass. "Here's to the rest of the evening - however it turns out."
***
A while later, there was a call for hush as Jim prepared to make a speech. The partygoers crowded around.
"I just want to thank everyone for being here, and it's great to see you're so happy for us. We've only known each other a few weeks, I know, but... I guess when you know its for real, time doesn't matter."
"I know I don't know you all very well yet..." Marie chipped in. "But I'd like to say thanks for all the wonderful gifts and for being here tonight. There's still plenty of food left at the buffet so please help yourself - if you don't eat it Jim will..."
The crowd laughed. June clutched her glass tighter, forcing herself to smile. "We don't intend this to be a long engagement... and I hope you'll all come to the wedding� you're all invited, by the way." He sighed. "I never thought I'd be getting married, and never thought I'd be inheriting such a great son, like Ben, but.... yeah. It's fantastic, thanks again." With that, he kissed Marie.
June turned away and sighed. A moment later she felt a reassuring hand on her shoulder and turned to see Polly standing beside her. "Come on, let's get you a drink. You don't need to see this."
"No, I'm fine." June stalked over to the bar. "Another double vodka please."
"Make that two..." Polly said appearing behind her.
***
Later still, soft music was playing and Jim and Marie were on the dance floor. June had had five double vodkas and was now drunk. "Best of luck to them, I say." She said, raising her glass in a mock toast. "Best of luck to her, she's going to need it."
Polly rolled her eyes, the effect of the drinks she had shared with June were also apparent on her. "Look at them June... rubbing your nose in it like that. Has he no shame?" She slurred.
"No. I don't know what I ever saw in him, Polly. He's such a misery guts, and so selfish." She downed another mouthful.
"You deserve better than him June. Much better, I'm sure the right man for you is just round the corner..."
"Alright, girls?" Tony appeared. "June� didn't expect to see you here."
"Couldn't not come could I?" She muttered emptying her glass. "I'll have another if you're offering."
"Sure, vodka, is it?"
"Yeah double. Same for Pol too."
"Be right back." A moment later he returned, placing the glasses down on the table. "Seriously, June, are you alright?"
"I'm fine. Top of the world." She sighed. "Can you not tell?"
"Yeah... sorry... I wasn't going to come either. But you know, never could resist a party. I was going to tell you, you know, but everyone thought it was best that Jim tell you himself."
"I never mentioned this before but I found the ring in his desk, stupid me thought it was for me and got my hopes up didn't I? Wish someone had told me..."
"You deserve better than him." Tony placed a hand on hers. Just then another slow song - "She's The One" started up. "Come on, you want to dance?"
June shook her head.
"Come on, you can't sit here all night."
She sighed, standing up slowly and glancing at Polly who nodded at her. "I suppose I can't."
"Good girl. You can't let him stop you having fun." They moved out onto the dance floor. Jim and Marie were still there, holding each other close, whispering things to each other and laughing. June moved in close to Tony, placing her head on his shoulder, watching them. He slid his hands round her waist holding her tightly against him. "Ignore them June, they're not worth thinking about."
"I can't..." June shook her head. "I just can't."
"I hate to see you like this..." Tony sighed. "But I hate him more for doing this to you."
"He hasn't done anything. We broke up, he fell in love."
"He broke your heart June. And jumped straight into bed with her..." Tony spat. "You deserve so much better than him."
"No, no I don't..." June pushed away from him. "I need some air, I think I'm going to be...." She ran toward the doors.
Tony glanced over at Polly who nodded after June. "Get after her then." She mouthed over the music.
Tony followed June, down the stairs and out into the beer garden at the back of the pub. She was sitting at a picnic table, holding her stomach. "June... you alright?"
She groaned and looked up at him. "Too much vodka. I'll survive."
"If you want to go home I can give you a lift. Only had a half all night."
"I can't leave Polly on her own..." June sighed. "I'll be ok in a few minutes."
"You're so brave for coming here. You and Jim... you agreed to be friends, or...?"
"Yeah we did, more fool me I'm thinking now... But after twenty years Tony, I can't bear the thought of not having him in my life." She looked up at him, tears forming in her eyes.
"Oh... June..."
***
Meanwhile, upstairs, Jim had pulled away from Marie and was looking round.
"Jim? Jim? What is it?" Marie asked, stroking his chest.
"June... she... she looked ill, I'm just hoping she's alright." He said, utterly distracted.
"Go after her if you want. I'm sure I can find something to entertain myself with for a few minutes." Marie smiled at him and kissed his cheek.
"Yeah... thanks..."
***
Back in the beer garden, Tony and June were sat at a picnic table talking.
"I never thought the two of you were right for each other but I never said anything, you seemed so happy." Tony explained.
"I was happy, so totally devoted to him I couldn't see the obvious. I feel so used now..." she sniffed.
"You know, June... I meant what I said... that you and I... we could be good together... I know I was drunk then, but..."
"And I'm drunk now..." She stopped suddenly and looked up at him.
"You are." Tony moved a little closer to her. "Very." He smiled.
"Why are you still single?" She smiled, running a finger down his face.
"If I knew, I wouldn't be. Maybe I was just waiting for the right person."
"I'm sure you'll find her soon."
"I was hoping I just had." Tony leaned in, falteringly, unsure.
June looked deep into his eyes before tilting her head up to his and brushing her lips against his softly.
Sure now, he responded, and soon they were kissing hungrily, June's hands running up and down his back. He moved down to her neck, kissing and biting it, she wasn't complaining, pulling away... until suddenly her entire body froze in his arms. "June...?"
"This is wrong." She said quickly.
"No... it isn't...." Tony looked at her, and noticed she was looking over to the entrance to the garden.
"Jim..." She muttered as a figure emerged from the shadows.
Jim stood about six feet away from them. Even from there June could see his body quaking. "Get your hands off her." He fumed.
"This is nothing to do with you - nothing at all." Tony stood up and turned to face Jim.
"Nothing to do with me?" Jim stepped forward, to be illuminated by lamp light. "Nothing to DO with me?"
"You gave up any hold you had on June when you dumped her for Marie." Tony spat as June remained frozen.
"It doesn't give you the right to take advantage of her."
"I wasn't was I June? June? Tell him..."
"It was me." June stood, albeit unsteadily. "I kissed him. Because I wanted to."
Tony stepped to one side, sliding his arm around June's shoulders as she shivered.
"I SAID - keep your hands off her." Jim advanced on Tony.
"Jim..." June warned.
"I'm not having HIM touching you." Tony and Jim glared at each other for a long moment.
June slid out from under Tony's arm and placed herself between the two men. "Jim, I'm a grown woman, perfectly capable of deciding what I want."
"June... you're pissed!" He spat, regretting his words as soon as he said them. He saw the rage grown in June's eyes, saw her face freeze.
June's reaction was almost instantaneous as the word's left his mouth. Her hand rose quickly from her side and she slapped his face hard. "Don't you ever talk to me like that." She hissed.
"I'm sorry, I just can't bear...." He shook his head. Then he heard movement behind them, and turned to see Marie.
"What's going on here?" Marie asked, a look of total bemusement on her face.
"Nothing." Jim said quickly. "Go back inside." As he said it he noticed that a crowd was gathering, attracted by their raised voices. "ALL of you, go back inside."
Marie stepped towards him. "Not until you tell me what's going on."
"It's just between the three of us. Now, please... please, go back inside. I can sort this out on my own."
"There's more to it than that... June, Tony?"
June stepped forward. "Maybe she should know, Jim. After all, it does concern her. Doesn't it?"
"What concerns me? Someone please." Marie sighed.
"You know what it is, Marie? It's that your fianc� here doesn't want me touching June." Tony answered
"Jim?" Marie turned to him. "Is this true?"
"June is my friend, and Tony... he's just taking advantage. She's drunk."
"I'm perfectly sober." June butted in. "Beside I'm think I'm old enough to decide who I want to kiss don't you?"
"June, don't do this. I'll get a taxi, and we'll get you home."
"I don't want to go home yet. Beside Tony said he'll take me when I'm ready." She pouted.
"He is NOT taking you home!" Jim shouted, unable to stop himself.
"Jim?" Marie reached out and placed her hand on his arm. "What's your problem? I thought these were your friends."
"I..." Jim shook with rage and confusion. "I can't bear seeing her touching him..."
"I don't understand Jim." Marie said softly, tears forming in her eyes. "Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on and why you've all chosen to ruin my party."
"I..." Jim stammered. "I love her." Tears started to roll down his face as he looked at June, unable to take his eyes off her.
"You what?" Marie sobbed.
"I should have told you. June and I... we were lovers."
"And you decide to tell me this at our engagement party!" Marie raged.
"I thought it was over."
"It is... was� Oh I don't know." Jim sighed and covered his face with his hands.
"You certainly acted like it was over." June said, but she wasn't angry. "All this... why, Jim?"
"Because... because... I was scared..."
"Scared?" June shook her head. "Scared of what?!"
"Of how fast things were going... stupid thing to say now I know." He shook his head.
"Jim, if you didn't want to marry me why didn't you just SAY!"
"I couldn't..."
"Jim, you mean after twenty years you couldn't even talk to me?" She stepped forward. "I thought we were friends, best friends... did I do that to you? Did I make you that unhappy?"
"Excuse me!" Marie butted in. "I am still here you know."
"Marie... this is between me and June." Jim barely glanced her way.
"Jim." Marie grabbed his arm and spun him round to face her. "This is our engagement party, we're meant to be celebrating..."
"Get off me!" He yelled, shaking off her arm. "I told you to go inside!" He knew he was losing control, but couldn't help it.
"I'm sorry Marie," June approached her slowly. "You don't deserve to be treated like this."
Jim stood, looking at the two of them now side by side. He shook his head slowly. "Oh god... no..." He pushed past them, running through the gate and disappearing into the darkness.
Marie turned to June. "So which of us goes after him?" She laughed bitterly. "The fianc�e or the ex lover?"
"If you go... then I'll let you. But he won't listen to you, not when he's like this. Have you seen him like this before, have you really seen what his depression can do to him?"
Marie swallowed and shook her head.
"No. You've known him six weeks, Marie. Six weeks. I've known him twenty years. I know how he used to be, I know how he is now. He had a breakdown four years ago - did you know about that?"
She shook her head and looked at the ground.
"Well, I saw it all. Every gory detail. I know what Jim can be like. He's hard to handle, I'll admit that. You don't know what he's going to be like from one day to the next. He has a terrible temper - he can be violent. He can even be suicidal. Did you know about that?"
"Seems like I know nothing about him." Marie muttered.
"No. You don't. How could you even think about marrying him so soon?"
"I loved... love him."
"You don't know him. He told me you proposed first."
"I did... he turned me down though."
"That's exactly what he did to me. Then, a day later, he proposed to me."
"This sounds all too familiar." Marie sighed. "How can you still trust him after that?"
"Because I know who he really is. Deep down. I knew Jimmy Carver, the boy that came to Sun Hill twenty years ago and I know he's still in there."
Tony stepped over to Marie. "You're shaking, let's get you back inside." He said softly.
"But, Jim... I..." Marie looked up at June. "No... you go after him. Please."
"Only with your permission... Marie... I can't tell you how sorry I am about all this... I honestly thought he'd told you."
"It seems there's a lot he never told me. You go. Please. I care for him, I want him to be happy... and it seems that the only way he'll be happy if he's with you."
"I don't know about that the state he's in right now, but I can try to calm him down..."
"June... he loves you. Any fool can see that. And I'm a fool. A damned fool." Marie let Tony lead her away.
June moved out of the garden and headed in the direction Jim had gone. "Jim!" She called. "Jim, come on. I just want to talk." She paused but got no reply. Looking around she noticed a lone figure hunched on a wall in the shadows. She approached him slowly. "Jim please... at least look at me... let me know you're alright."
He took no heed, rocking back and forth, slowly.
She moved closer, sitting down on the wall in front on him and placing her hand on his leg. "Jim..." she spoke softly.
"Don't." Jim pulled away, standing.
"Don't be like this please." She stood up and faced him. "I can't bear to see you like this..."
"Don't get pulled into this. I'll just hurt you like I hurt you before, like I've hurt Marie and like I hurt EVERYONE who means anything to me." He stalked off.
She ran to catch with him before stopping in front of him and forcing him to look at her. "Marie understands Jim... Jim look at me please." She sobbed with exasperation. "Jim..."
"I can't do this any more." He looks utterly defeated.
"Do what Jim?" She reached out to him once more, clasping his clammy hand. Talk to me."
"All of it." He shook his head. "Walking through life never knowing where the fuck I'm going..."
"This is tearing you apart Jim... come inside we'll sort things out. Look at you, you're freezing cold and you're making yourself ill."
"I'm fine, just leave me alone."
"I can't Jim... don't you understand that..."
"What? Understand what? June, I don't understand ANYTHING! I don't even understand myself!"
"Jim I can't leave you because I love you... I've never stopped loving you... and seeing you like this is killing me."
"Then go." Jim shrugged. "Just go."
"And leave you like this... never. Jim you don't understand I CAN'T leave you."
"You can. Just walk away. It'll be better for you, June. You think you want me but you're wrong. You don't want this."
"Jim I can't live without you... believe me I've tried these last few weeks. Life without you isn't worth living." She was sobbing now, angry that he wouldn't neither listen to what she said or look at her.
"Neither is life with me. Believe me, I know. I have to live with myself every day."
"Jim..." She stopped unable to say anymore as her sobs wracked her entire body. She sunk to the ground in front of him. "You're... not... listening..." She gasped between sobs.
"No... you're not listening! June - come on! You're the most incredible woman I've ever met, everyone knows it, and you should NOT be dragged down by someone like me!"
She looked up at him and shook her head, tears streaming down her face. "Jim I need you..."
"I hurt you."
"And you don't think you're breaking my heart right now by pushing me away. Look at me Jim, I'm a wreck."
"And whose fault IS that! If I'd had any sense that day in the CSU I would have said yes when you asked me to marry you! But that's me, June, I will hurt you and hurt you and DESTROY you!"
"You're destroying me right now by pushing me away." She stood up. "Jim look me in the eye and tell me you don't want me and I'll walk away... for good this time..."
"I....don'...." He looked slowly up to her, looked into her tear filled eyes. "I can't... I..." He reached up with his right hand, wiped away a teartrack. "I love...." He dropped his hand, looking down at the floor, shaking his head.
"Who do you love?" June prompted, stepping even closer to him and breathing in his familiar scent. "Tell me." She cried.
"I love you, June. Only ever you. For twenty years I waited, waited for you, and then I threw it all away... I... I'm so sorry."
"Oh Jim," She sobbed throwing her arms around him and burying her face in his chest. "You know how much I love you, you're my life."
"And your mine... but my life is such a mess... I... I said when we broke up I didn't need, want an emotional crutch, I... but June, I need someone, I need someone to help me figure out who I am, where I am... I... June, I need help." He looked down at her, with terrified eyes.
"And I'm here for you. Jim I love you and I'll do anything for you." She reached up to him, wiping the tears from his cheeks.
"Just don't let me destroy you. If you feel like you need to walk away, just go."
"I'll never walk away from you Jim... ever. I need you as much as you need me."
"What a pair we make, eh? This was supposed to be one of the happiest nights of my life, and it is, but for a completely different reason." He laughed to himself. "Marie... I must have been - I was on the rebound, June, and... I'm sorry..."
"I know you are... and I'm sorry for before... with Tony..." She blushed.
"Like I said... you were drunk. I'm sure you wouldn't even have considered it otherwise." Jim placed a hand on her cheek. "Would you?"
"Well you know..." She smiled. "Of course I wouldn't you fool."
"Good. But you still are drunk... do you think you'll remember all this in the morning?"
"Of course I will... I'll never forget tonight... I love you Jim."
"I love you too. I just need to... Marie... I've got a lot of explaining to do."
"Is now really the best time? Remember you are supposed to be celebrating."
"What choice do I have? I think she's guessed the truth anyway."
"She has. But maybe you should give her some space. I think Tony might have taken her home."
"Right... I'll.... I'm tired, I should... I'll see you tomorrow." He leant down, kissed her lightly on the cheek.
"Where are you going to stay?" She looked up at him.
"Got a bedsit near the Parkmead." He shrugged.
"Not the nicest area... Come back with me... I don't want you moping around on your own."
"No, June, come on, you..." He sighed. "I'll sleep on the sofa."
"Whatever... I'm just not having you go back to a poxy bedsit on your own." She linked her arm with his.
"I don't deserve you." He looked down at her. "I really don't."
"You do."
He stopped. "Help me believe that." He turned her to face him. "Just, let's... June, I need time... but I know with you I can get there, lets just take this..." He laughed. "One day at a time."
"Now that sounds familiar... where have I heard that before." She grinned at him.
"I don't know, some fool spouting nonsense." He leant down to her. "I'm sorry...." He kissed her gently on the lips.
"You calling me a fool?" She pulled away, looked up at him and laughed before kissing him softly.
"No, me, I'm the fool... let me drive you home. You're in no fit state." He took her hand and together they walked round to the car park at the front of the pub. Just as Jim and June were about to get in his car, Tony's car came past, slowly, with Marie in the passenger seat. She looked up at Jim for a moment, then kissed her hand and blew the kiss toward him.
"She doesn't hate me." He gasped.
"Nobody hates you." June smiled. "You might be a pain at times, but nobody hates you. You have that... little boy lost thing about you that people just adore."
Jim looked at her with big eyes. "Thanks... I think. Come on let's get you home before you fall down... again."
"Hmmm." She bundled herself into the car. "You know, you don't have to sleep on the sofa, I...." She stopped, Jim looked over to her. She had leant her head against the window and was fast asleep. He watched her for a long moment, then, with a renewed will, and renewed faith in himself, he started the car and pulled away.
***
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