A typical post Carver wedding day in Sun Hill CSU. The atmosphere was one that could be cut with a knife. Polly was hunched over her PC ignoring, or at least trying to ignore, the constant sniping from Jim and June.
Cathy, on the other hand, was having the time of her life, her head turning from Jim to June and back again as they rowed over the littlest thing. Cathy shook her head at a particularly scathing remark from June and leant back in her chair grinning. Unfortunately this was the one time that June chose to cast her glance around the room.
"What the hell are you looking at PC Bradford?!" June spat.
"Not a lot." She continued to chew her pen.
"Well, if you're so stuck for work you can come out with me on this case, can't you?" June glared.
"I've got all this to do." Cathy gestured at a file on her desk. "Why don't you take Jim?"
"Polly?" June swivelled her chair to look at Polly. "Are you free?"
"Sorry Sarge."
"PC Carver..." June glowered
Jim snarled. "Sergeant Ackland..."
"If you have an hour free I would appreciate some assistance on this case."
"I suppose I can manage it."
"Well, don't sound too enthusiastic will you, this is only your job. The one you fought so hard for." She stood and grabbed her coat. "I mean, fighting so hard to get something, you'd think you'd want to hang ON to it, wouldn't you?"
Jim sighed. "Yes Sarge. So where are we going?"
"Out." June stormed towards the door. "You can read the file on the way there."
"Fine." He grabbed his jacket, stomped after her. "It'll give me something to do in the car then."
"It'll beat your excuse for small talk." June was already halfway down the corridor and heading for the stairs.
"And will stop me listening to your ranting." He followed her down the stairs at a distance.
"I am not ranting. You're behaving like a petulant school kid and you need to be reminded of your position in the CSU."
"General dogsbody isn't it?!"
"You're a police constable. That's your job description."
"So why do I feel like the whipping boy?"
"Because you've got away with enough this past twenty years. I've had enough of it."
"Sure it's not more than that?"
"More than what? Don't put this down to my emotions, PC Carver, I've put those away as far as you're concerned."
"Yeah right..." He muttered. "So are you going to tell me where we're going?"
"I told you to read the file!" She flung the file at him, papers caught in the wind and flew away.
"And how I am supposed to do that when they're halfway to the Thames? And I couldn't read it before because YOU had it in your bag."
"Forget it Jim, I'll do this myself."
"I'm here now, I might as well come with you."
"It's not going to work, is it. How can we possibly be of any use to the victim when we're... at each others throats."
"I'm not at anyone's throat." He slumped into the passenger seat. "You started on me."
"*I* started it? That's rich that is!" June slammed her door as she threw herself into the seat.
"You're the one who doesn't want to work with me."
"You're the one who thinks he can have it all ways."
"This isn't about work anymore is it?"
"It is and it isn't. I can't be around you, Jim."
"What have I done now?"
"What have you done *now*?!" She swivelled to face him, slamming the door behind her.
"I came in to work, not to fight world war three."
"It's as simple as that, isn't it? Everything is that black and white to you isn't it?"
Jim shrugged. "I've got on with my life why can't you?"
"You had a choice in the matter. You never gave ME a choice."
"So it's all my fault again."
"It always has been your fault. But you just don't see it do you? You've got what you wanted, it doesn't matter about the casualties you leave behind. I never realised you could be so selfish."
"Me selfish? You're the one picking on me constantly."
"Because just for once you need to know that you can't have it all your way. You want to have your cake and eat it too, don't you?"
"So what's really the problem? What has Jim Carver done this time?"
"Oh, my god..." June leant forward and placed her head on the steering wheel. "You really really don't know, do you? You really are that insensitive."
"Well I'm not bloody psychic!" Jim looked at June. "Are we going to be cryptic all day? And I thought this case was urgent."
"It's not that urgent. Do I need to spell it out to you, do I have to tell you again? I already told you once down in that cellar, did you listen, did you hear a word I said to you?"
"I heard everything..." He turned to look out of the window. "I couldn't not..." He muttered.
June stared out of the windscreen. "You broke my heart."
"And I'm sorry for that... I'm not worth stressing over."
"Why couldn't you let me decide that?"
"It wasn't working..."
"Then why didn't you *talk* to me about it?"
"I tried..."
"When? When exactly did you try? That night when you stormed out and didn't come back till 4am? That night you decided getting drunk would be the best solution? When, Jim?"
"I... I..." He shrugged, looked away.
"Exactly. If we'd talked about it like the grown up adults we are, we could have worked it out. Or at least split up through a MUTUAL decision."
"I'm sorry for that but... it was how it had to be."
"Not from my point of view. I was happy, Jim."
"But I..."
"Me, me ME! Did you ever STOP to think about ME?!"
"I was dragging you down with me. It wasn't fair."
"You weren't dragging me anywhere! I was the happiest I have EVER been!"
"It wouldn't have lasted."
"How do you know? How do you know? Do you have any concept of how much I love... loved you?"
"I couldn't be responsible for turning you into someone like me."
"That was my decision. One which you never let me make."
"It was for the best."
"It wasn't. You've destroyed me, Jim Carver. I can't function without you." She turned to him. "You broke my heart, then you stomped on it and they you tore it to pieces but you walk around like the cat that got the canary and I can't stand it."
"And I'm sorry for that June... I didn't mean to hurt you... but it happened."
"Stop telling me you're sorry when you don't mean it."
"I DO mean it, believe me. I didn't want to hurt you."
"It just seems to me that you didn't stop and just think for a moment about it. You didn't realise that you could still come to me and tell me what was going on."
"I did think - long and hard. Look now's not the time or the place for this - we have a case to deal with don't we?"
"No... we don't. That was... I set that all up so I could talk to you." She sighed and gazed out through her window.
"Right then... so talk to me." He turned to face her. "And be honest with me."
"Alright... look." She turned back to him, sucking in a deep breath. "I don't have a problem with you falling in love."
"Good. But... and there's got to be a but hasn't there, or we wouldn't be here."
"There is no but. I don't have a problem with you falling in love, or even getting married." She took his left hand, gestured to the gold ring.
"So what's your problem then?"
"My problem is...that I don't know you any more. I don't know if I ever did really know you." She sighed. "I thought I did."
"I'm the same person I always have been."
"Maybe... but... Jim, for twenty years I've had this idea of you, this construction of you in my mind... and now I find out it was wrong. Can you imagine how that feels?"
"Not really no. So, what did you think I was like?" He looked at her, questioningly.
"I thought... you were sensitive, that you were empathetic, that I could trust you with anything...that you would never ever hurt me."
"I didn't mean to hurt you June, you have to believe me... sensitive, empathetic, me? I'm just a screw up bumbling through life."
"You never used to be."
"I always have been."
"No... if you were when you started here you hid it well."
"I was just shy then, terrified almost..."
"I know... but... you never showed any other side of you. If you got angry it was for a good reason, Muswell being the bigot he was, it was always something human, something right... I respected and admired you so much."
"I was never worth that. Back then... yeah maybe I did stand up for what I believed in - but look where it got me."
"You changed when you went into CID. Everyone noticed, Taff, Bob, everyone. Why? What happened, Jim?"
"Different set of rules up there. Different people, it was a different way of living."
"It made you bitter, it made you cynical. I couldn't bear to see that but through it all I believed that you were still you. You're as much as admitting I've been wrong all these years."
"I don't get what this has to do with the present... I'm not the same person I was in CID. Things changed as you well know."
"I fell in love with the person I thought you were." June wiped away a tear that was snaking down her cheek.
"And I'm sorry I was such a disappointment."
"That's just what hurts so much. I had this vision of how things would be, and... I was let down. I'm not saying you let me down, I think *I* let me down, my stupid fantasy..."
"I'm sorry I never lived up to your expectations... that's me through and through." Jim shrugged.
"Please, Jim, don't put yourself down."
"Why not? You do, everyone else does. I tore out your heart and stamped on it remember. You don't owe me anything."
"I'm not denying you hurt me, but it's like Polly said, it's not what you did, it's the way you did it. This ideal I had of you... it was shattered. I thought you were my best friend, someone I could always rely on."
"I'll always be your friend... I hope." He looked up at her. "As for what happened, I didn't mean it to - I just fell in love and I've never been the most reliable person have I?"
"That's true. I should have remembered, you're a man like any other, you're human. I suppose I saw strengths in you that matched my failings."
"You don't have any failings June."
"No? Then why I am I pushing 50 and alone apart from a cat? Why do I devote all of my time to my job... I can't deal with feelings and emotions and everything that comes with life away from here. You've always... you always show how you're feeling."
"And where does that get me?! You deserve someone so much better than me. Someone who'll treat you like a princess. You've been hurt before that's why you don't give your heart out easily - no one can blame you for that."
"I've been hurt *because* I don't give my heart out easily. That's how I lost you."
"No... you lost me, your words not mine, because I had to get out if before I brought you down to my level. You are so above that level June."
"I lost you because I never had the guts to try to hold on to you. I gave up."
"You didn't have a chance to fight for me. I couldn't let you do that."
"I wanted to. Jim... did I make you doubt my love for you?"
"Never... well once maybe... but that was me not you. Maybe you didn't fight for me because deep down you knew I was a lost cause."
"Never. Jim... remember what I said that night, you DO deserve me, whether you wanted me or not... I loved you so much I was willing to give you up if you just said the word...."
"But you DON'T deserve me. June please, just let this go." He reached out, took her hand.
"I want to. I want us to move on and be friends. But we can't until we've cleared all this up." She straightened in her seat. "Try as I may there is a part of me that hopes... believes... that we could get back together."
"I'm married now June... and as much as I love and care for you - I love Marie and I love Ben."
"I know... it's just..." June shook her head. "This sounds like I've been watching too many talk shows... Jim, we never had closure."
"You went off on that cruise - left me alone to pick up the pieces. Was that not closure enough?"
"I... that was a mistake... but... Jim, what you said to me that day... if you'd just told me you'd slept with Marie, if you told me how you felt about her... but you didn't you were so cryptic..."
"What do you mean? What did I say?"
"Mumbling on about where we stood... I told you I still had feelings for you."
"I was confused then, I didn't know what was going on in my own head, let alone be able to reassure you of anything..."
"I just needed you to tell me it was over. I needed to know the reasons why. I needed to know that it was the right thing. I never... I still don't really understand why you finished it but I just need... I need to know you're happy. That's all I care about."
"Oh June, I hate seeing you like this, knowing it's my fault... I finished with you because I didn't want to destroy you along with me. Then I met Marie... we just clicked. I never set out to hurt you."
"I know you didn't, there's one thing I've always had right about you is that you would never hurt anyone out of spite."
"I always do end up hurting people don't I? I SCREW EVERYTHING UP. I don't want to lose my friendship with you. I've hated us arguing all these weeks... Look at me June, tell me we can still be friends."
"Tell me here, now it's over forever and you love Marie." She placed her hand on his chin, held his face firm. "And tell me... promise me you will stop putting yourself down."
"I love Marie." Jim shrugged. "But I care for you so much..."
"No... don't complicate this, don't get my hopes up."
"I'm not trying to complicate things - you're my oldest friend - I can't turn those feelings off just like that. I hate seeing
you hurting."
"That's my problem. I'll get over it if you just tell me there is no chance we will ever be together again. Please."
"I can't say never - but right now I'm happy as I am... with Marie... with Ben." He shook his head. "Can you accept that June?"
"No....I can't. Because I'll be fool enough to wait for you."
"I'm not worth waiting for - go out and there and find your prince - the man who'll sweep you off your feet and treat you as you deserve to be treated."
"I thought I'd found him."
"I'm no prince." Jim laughed.
"No... but.... you made me feel... special... for the first time in my life."
"The right man for you is out there June... believe me... There's someone out there for you... he's just round the corner."
"I'm running out of time." June pulled away, looking out of the windscreen once more. "And I'm too choosy."
"You've got plenty of time." He reached out, rested his hand on his shoulder. "And you're right to be choosy, you only deserve the best."
"Why do you insist on putting me on a pedestal, Jim? I'm a lapsed catholic, brought up on a run down estate, who went to the local comprehensive and just did averagely well� I worked on the till in Woolworths before I joined the met, cleaned toilets. I'm just an average girl."
"You're special - so what how you were brought up - it's what you are now that counts."
"You are special. You just don't believe it."
"I'm just normal - with more downsides than upsides - and a habit of bringing those I care for down with me."
"You've never brought me down."
"Only because you got out in time."
"No... you could never bring me down, Jim. When you're hurting, I only get stronger, so I can help you."
"And you shouldn't have to do that - relationships are meant to be equal - I couldn't keep taking from you - I'd drain you away."
"You're never going to understand this are you? And you're never going to stop putting yourself down. I suppose that's just you... the Jim Carver I should have pictured, not the fantasy, the reality. It's you beating yourself up that upsets me, Jim."
"That's who I am June, you have to accept that and move on. I'm sorry I don't live up to your fantasy, I wish I could, really I do... but I'm only human, I have my faults, my weaknesses... more than most people but I can live with that, well, I hope I can."
"Does Marie love you the way you are?"
"I think so." Jim shrugged.
"She married you didn't she?"
"She did."
"And I adore you the way you are - true its a slightly revised version of the you I thought you were... if nothing else can you at least remember that next time you're feeling low?"
"I can try." He tilted his head up at her. "I can't lose you June."
"You won't. I'm glad you're happy. I'm still... I can't deny I'm upset, but... I've got over it before and I'll get over it again. I've never... been able to stay friends with ex-lovers, and... well, if I lost you..." She shook her head helplessly. "I wish..." She stopped, laughed at herself.
"What do you wish?" He took her hands in his. "From now on only totally honesty, OK?"
"This might sound odd, but I wish I could hate you."
"Oh June." He chuckled, enveloping her in a hug. "Don't ever hate me... please. I couldn't live with that guilt."
"It would just have made the last few weeks so much easier. I'm very good at hating, I'd have talked myself over you by now."
"Then maybe you should try to hate me, if it could help you move on. I'm a very hateable person... I'm sure it's not that hard."
"No... one look at those big eyes of yours and... I still love you, Jim. I want you as my best friend. Whether you're married or I'm seeing someone else, I want to know that we will always have each other."
"I'll have you for as long as you can stand to be around me. I just want to reach an understanding with you... that we can still be friends... whatever life throws at us. I'll always need you June."
"And I'll always need you. You're my constant."
"Thanks... I think."
"You've always been here. Always. I know there's Reg and Tony, but... they're not the same."
"They're not are they? Is there a chance for... for you and Tony?"
"No... no way...." She shook her head. "He's so... boring." She rolled her eyes and laughed.
"That's our Tony... you didn't tell him that... did you?"
"If he hasn't figured it out... no, I'm going to look outside the nick. Falling in love with a colleague... I'ts not worth it. I mean, it was, but... I'm not going to take the risk of losing a friend again."
"So you're ruling out Reg too?" Jim ducked in his seat. "You deserve better than a copper, we're all idiots."
"You are." She sighed. "I just want to say one thing. I wouldn't change those few months for anything."
"Neither would I. What we had was great."
"It was... I feel privileged that you loved me, and that we made love, and laughed together and cried together... you really did make me feel alive."
"As you did to me... you taught me so much about love... about myself... about you."
"You know all my little quirks." June smiled. "Good potential blackmail material."
"Your quirks are all sweet and perfect. Unlike mine, so don't go getting any ideas."
"Oh... OK." She turned to face him, smiled. "I feel so much better for this. I'm glad we got this out in the open."
"Me too. I'm sorry it wasn't the answer you wanted from me... but I'm glad we reached an understanding, glad that we can be friends."
"Friends. Best friends. You want to talk about anything that maybe you don't think you can talk to Marie about... you come to me."
"I will... but only if you'll do the same to me, if you're lonely, afraid, or just want to moan... come and find me."
"I will. Thanks, Jim." She leant in slowly, and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Thanks for everything."
"And thank YOU. For being there, for being you."
She hugged him close for a second, then pulled away. "Well... we'd best get back to it." She climbed out of the car.
"Yeah, someone might wonder how me managed to investigate a case sat in the car park..." He grinned at her.
"Cathy for instance, seeing as though she's peering out of the window." He stood up and slammed the door.
"Bloody Cathy... you go on in, I'll be with you in a minute."
"June... are you sure you're ok?"
"I'm fine..."
"June?"
"I... just need a bit of a cry, that's all." She looked up at him with big eyes, her jaw trembling.
"Do you need a hug?"
"Yes..." She stepped forward into his arms, placing her head against his chest. She sobbed loudly, clinging to him tightly.
He held her firmly, stroking her hair. "I'm sorry for making you feel like this."
"It's not you it's me." She sniffed, looking up at him.
"It's both of us..." He wiped at a tear escaping from his own eye.
"We're a right pair aren't we?" June laughed through her tears. "Big soppy old fools."
"Watch who you're calling old." Jim laughed.
"You're past 40, over the hill." June paused. "Or maybe I shouldn't have said that... Jim... I'm going to need, a little while to sort things out in my head, but... just bear with me OK?"
"I'm not going anywhere June... take as long as you need."
"Thanks, I don't deserve you." She reached up and wiped a teartrack from his cheek.
"What was it you told me, stop putting yourself down?"
"I'll stop if you stop." The corner of her mouth twitched.
"I can try... but only if you will too."
"I promise." June nodded. "Well, PC Carver...are you ready to move on with next phase of your unbelievable chaotic life?"
"I think I am." He bit his bottom lip. "Are you ready to move on?"
"Deep down I don't want to, but... if this is meant to be this way then who am I to say different? I hope you and Marie have a long and happy marriage."
"Thanks June... that means a lot to me. More than you could imagine."
"Best friends, remember." She slid her hand down his arm. "Come on." She turned and led him back into the station, back up to the CSU, where Polly and Cathy were waiting.
"Well?" Polly probed.
"Well what?" June shrugged, smiling at Jim.
"Have you two made up or what?"
"We hadn't fallen out, had we Jim?"
"Oh, of course not." Cathy grunted. "That's why you could cut the atmosphere with a knife in here."
"Cathy!" Polly hissed. "So is everything OK between you two now?"
"Yup... we've reached an... understanding. Friends and colleagues..." She squeezed Jim's hand. "Like I told you Pol - we're better off as friends."
"So it's safe to come in here again when the pair of you are in here? Only it's been horrid Sarge..."
"I know and I'm sorry. But its fine now... and... I can talk to Jim like I used to and..." She raised her voice. "Not have to put up with his snoring!"
"Now hang on a minute." Jim looked up. "This wasn't part of our deal."
"Excuse me? Everyone knows you snore, Jim."
"Do they? Well they do now. Now what was that we said downstairs about blackmail... bet your microwave doesn't know what's hit now - back on the ready meals?"
"They can be very nutritious." June smirked. "Your cooking was a bit... heavy on the cholesterol."
"Nutritious?! Yeah right June... Toto's food is more nutritious."
"You should know...." June laughed and headed to her desk.
"What do you mean by that?" Jim looked gobsmacked
"Remember that plate of tuna in the fridge you thought was a little off?"
"You're not saying what I think you're saying?"
"I may be." She spun around to smile at him.
"And you let me eat it?"
"I didn't let you, you'd scoffed it before I even got home!"
Jim turned to look at Polly. "She never loved me, not really!"
June shook her head, then looked back at Jim, smiling. She mouthed the words "Only kidding." at him.
"You'll pay for this." He laughed.
"Oh yeah." June swivelled away. "We'll settle that after you get through all those files, PC Carver."
"Oooh yes Sergeant Ackland." Jim sneered, a huge grin on his face. He looked from Cathy to Polly. "Nice to have everything back to normal isn't it?!"
"Yeah... lovely." Cathy grimaced and left the room. Polly smiled and turned to her work, as did Jim. A few moments later, June turned around and watched him working. Then she smiled contentedly and got back to business.
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