For weeks it was never mentioned, never talked about, picked upon or hardly even thought about. But it was there in the background, the startling frankness of her words, the coldness that had affected him so. The affection was slipping away, he hardly reached out to touch her anymore, she didn�t sleep pressed up against his chest, they sat at separate ends of the sofa to watch TV and never once had they thought about making love. A sort of stark reminder of what sex was biologically all for; and she thinking all the time they were doing it he was hoping she might get pregnant and he thinking all the time she hoping she wouldn�t. It was all wrong, mixed up and growing inside of them until simply �I�m sorry, I didn�t mean it� would no longer suffice.
Friday night he went out straight from work, didn�t tell her where, didn�t call, didn�t leave a note on her desk. She just got back into the office and he�d gone, and he wasn�t at home when she got there. So she�d calmly rang a few of his friends but no sign of him, she�d made herself dinner just as she used to when she lived alone and settled down with a book to take her mind of things.
At 1:30 she was woken by the sound of the front door closing and Jim creeping down the hallway, he noticed the lamp light in the lounge and realised there was no avoiding her. So he took of his jacket and went in. �Sorry didn�t mean to wake you.� He gently said as he sat down, noting the way she was curled up on the couch, her glasses laying in her lap. �Book any good?�
�Don�t trivialise this � where have you been?�
�Good god you sounded eerily like my Mother then.� He smiled and stood up making his way into the kitchen and filling a glass with orange juice when she appeared at the doorway behind him.
�Jim, please, don�t treat me like some dumb little girlfriend. I know you too well and you know me, we�ve been through more things together than I care to remember so what�s the point in dodging about anymore � lets just talk straight about this.� She had sat down at the table now, arms crossed casually.
He swallowed down the juice and watched her watching him. �Alright, let�s talk about it. We�re falling apart.�
She took a deep breath. �Does that explain where you�ve been?� Her tone was almost mocking, accusing.
�Oh I get it,� He dropped the glass into the sink. �You want me to say I�ve been off fucking some other woman right, cos then that gets you off the hook and the blame can lie solely with me.�
�No, I never said that��
�You don�t have to say it, it�s there in that disapproving stare you aim at me. Well you can forget it, there�s no one else involved, this is about us, about you and your expectations and you�re god damn self righteous views and selfish ways.� He rambled on; then stopped as he caught the sudden drop in her eyes.
�You think I�m selfish?�
�Oh god� I don�t know.�
�Well I am. But I never made any excuses for it Jim, I told you months ago I didn�t want children, I told you gently and calmly and I gave you the choice and you chose me. And then suddenly over Christmas it all changes � why? Because you spend a few days with my nephews you think we�ll make this perfect bloody family. Well we won�t and it isn�t fair to blame me all for this � I feel guilty enough as it is, like I�m dragging you away from something you desperately want. And the more we avoid it the more emphasis we seem to place on the fact we want different things. I�m not a miracle worker, I can�t do everything, I can�t make myself feel something I don�t want � and I don�t want this.� She was on her feet now, standing firm as he paced across the cool kitchen tiles.
�You made yourself love me.�
�Oh don�t be so ridiculous Jim, I fell in love with you I didn�t make myself feel anything. Nobody forced me into this relationship, true I�m nervous and I�m cautious but the way I feel about you is real � I just don�t want children and I never have.�
�Oh you made that very clear over New Year.�
�But perhaps not in that right way, or at the right time. But you can�t lay this all on me, Jim you�re lying to me, you told me that I would be enough, that you could live without children, but you think I don�t realise how every time we make love you�re secretly hoping I�ll get pregnant and change my mind.�
He stopped pacing now and looked directly at her. �Ok, that�s the truth. But I realise you�re always praying you don�t.�
�That�s right, but I never lied about that, I made it very clear from the start of our relationship, we discussed this on one of our first dates, living without children. You always knew how I felt, and still you keep expecting me to change my mind � almost relying on it.�
Now he was looking at the floor, shuffling from foot to foot.
�Please don�t cry; you make me feel so guilty Jim.� She reached out to touch his arm but his headshot up.
�Oh and we wouldn�t want that would we � the ice maiden made to feel.�
He stormed past her, climbing the stairs two at a time and slamming the bathroom door behind him. She followed suddenly incredibly angry with him. �Oh that�s right, hurl insults at me when things get too tough to deal with, when suddenly it�s real and it means something. Walk away and lock yourself in there and pretend to yourself it will all go away and I�ll relent because you�re upset�� She waited by the door listening for any sound of him moving, coming out to her so she could hold him and make it all better but he didn�t. �Jim�� Her voice was gentle again now, full of love. �Please come out, I don�t want to argue with you.� Still no movement. �Alright, it�s late, I�m going to bed, we�ll speak more in the morning.�
* *
For a while she simply lay listening for any sound of him coming to join her but he didn�t. After a while he emerged from the bathroom but went straight downstairs again, she could hear him pacing the lounge, then after a while it stopped, he must have sat down, perhaps he would fall to sleep soon and then they would both have clearer heads by the morning. She closed her eyes, turned over and went to sleep. But Jim didn�t sleep at all that night; he sat on the sofa and watched the gradual turn of night to dawn and the morning ready to start all over again. When the clock reached six he decided to go out for a walk, despite the cold and frosty February morning the sun was bright and quite warming to his skin. Early Saturday morning, he looked like hell he knew, not having shaved or washed and sitting all night in the same clothes he was creased and probably smelt non-too pleasant aswell. Some kind of tramp making his way through the city, not an uncommon sight � but something he thought he had escaped becoming years ago. Somehow he turned home and got back before 7.30, there was still hardly anyone about but when he got in June was up. Some dramatic music was playing in the lounge, a high-pitched voice gliding over the elaborate notes, full of feeling and emotion. She was in the kitchen, actually looked like she was cooking too, her hands covered in flour and she was kneading something in a bowl. �What�s this?� He whispered as he leant against the door, hands stuffed in pockets like a naughty schoolboy.
�Oh, you�re back.� She turned and smiled warmly at him. �Madame Butterfly.� She said in a rich mock French accent.
�About a romantic tragedy isn�t it.�
�It is�
�How fitting.� He turned away from her and went upstairs to take a shower.
She ignored his comment and carried on with the distraction of baking her own bread - something she hadn�t done for years, since her Dad had died. He would never eat store bread, a strange thing she should remember now, after all this time.
June swayed lightly in the rocking chair, keeping her feet tucked up beneath her and humming along to the music still playing. There was a wonderful warm fragrance swimming around her, home cooking, and she sipped her tea and closed her eyes, quite content.
Jim came down, clean and looking much fresher, his hair still damp and oddly stuck up. She looked up and smiled at him but he didn�t see, walked straight past her and poured himself a glass of juice.
�Are you feeling better?� She said gently.
�How do you expect me to feel?�
�Jim��
�Tell me,� he spun round to face her. �Tell me how I should be feeling and I�ll try and conjure it up for you.�
�I don�t want you to pretend.�
�Well that�s a surprise � you know I didn�t sleep at all last night, I sat down here wondering what the hell we were going to do. And you, you sleep fine, wake up, bake bread like this is some happy home, well it isn�t.� His hand clenched around the glass he was holding and without thinking he threw it across the room.
She hardly jumped, slowly followed his gaze to smashed fragments of glass on the kitchen floor, and then calmly got up and found a dustpan and brush out, she got down on her knees and started picking the pieces up.
�Leave it, I�ll do it later.�
�No, you�ve got nothing on your feet and Toto�s around here somewhere.�
�Damn it June, I�m trying to talk to you.�
She stopped and looked up at him. �The way I see it you�re shouting at me and throwing things around.�
�Because you�re not listening to me.�
�I am. I always listen, just because I don�t agree doesn�t mean I�m not taking it all in.�
�So why don�t you say something?�
�Like what?�
�Defend yourself, tell me why it will all work out � anything.�
�I told you last night, I said everything I have to say. What else can I do Jim, I can�t change things, I wish I could but I can�t change who I am.�
�How can you be so calm when I�m like this � a complete wreck. Just sitting there watching me, waiting for me to give in and say sorry and screw you like it will be some kind of apology � but obviously using protection.�
She stood up and emptied the dustpan. �Don�t say things like that.�
�Why? Cos it�s the truth.�
�Because it�s disgusting, you�re saying it to hurt me and it�s not fair.�
�Then show me some emotion.�
She swung round to him. �What do you think the past few months have been? I�ve been going through hell, because I knew back then how this would affect you and I told you my fears and you dismissed them. And since then I�ve just been walking on eggshells waiting for it to happen, waiting for it to build up.�
�But don�t you see that�s the problem, you � always moody and distant, suddenly changing, waiting for us to fall out. Like you were timing it or hoping for it.�
�That�s ridiculous.�
�No, that�s the reason we�re like this, because you can�t face up to the fact that this would last, that we would last, you have to force it apart, force me away, well congratulations you�ve succeeded.�
�Jim�� She looked down at her feet; suddenly her head was spinning and her heart thumping against her rib cage. �Please stop this��
�I can�t, I�ve tried and tried but you just� His voice faltered for a second, then clearly, full of anger he looked straight at her. �For Gods Sake June, I can�t do this anymore, it�s over��