June shuffled through the dismembered newspaper on her kitchen floor, wrappers and jigsaw pieces scattered around and a rather odd coloured liquid was slowly staining her work surfaces. She smiled despite this, despite being completely exhausted and ready to collapse. The fact was she�d had fun today, for the first time in so long and at least she hadn�t spent all day cooped up alone feeling sorry for herself. She rubbed at the purple stain with a cloth; it wouldn�t budge, probably there forever � nevermind. She switched the kettle on and was searching through the cupboards when the doorbell rang. Wiping her hands on a towel she went to open the door, bit late for visitors though.
It startled her to see him, hands stuffed in his pockets and the breeze ruining his once neatly styled hair. He smiled, warmly, welcoming. �Hi.�
She fumbled with the towel in her hand, dropped it, picked it back up. �Erm� hello, this is a bit, well, unexpected.�
�I know, I�m sorry � it�s too late for it isn�t it � I mean, just popping round. They�re probably in bed right.�
�Who?�
�The kids.�
She mentally chided herself as reality kicked in. �Oh right, that�s why you�re here, to see them.�
�Is that ok? I told you I wanted to help out.�
�I don�t need help Jim.�
�You look tired � and erm, well a bit messy.� It wasn�t condescending, more caring.
She glanced down at the stain on her jumper. �Oh damn, I like this jumper too.� She rubbed at it with the towel in her hands.
�That won�t work, you should change and soak it.� He shivered as the breeze wrapped round his bare neck.
�I�m sorry, I�m being rude.� She stepped back from the door. �Come in, excuse the mess.�
She closed the door after him, watched him remove his coat and hang it up. Seemed strange having him in her house again; he�d not been back since the argument. They made love in this hall a few times before, an abstract thought like it never really happened, only in her mind.
�Coffee?� She asked as she passed him and rushed into the kitchen, suddenly aware of the familiar feeling rising in her stomach.
�Yes, that would be nice � I see they�ve made themselves at home.�
�Oh yes, we were painting, hence the mess everywhere. It was fun though.� She leant back against the side waiting for the kettle to boil again.
Jim had cleared a seat by the table and sat down. �I�m glad you�re enjoying it.� He smiled, then looked away, oddly aware this was the first time they�d been alone in months � those old feelings resurfacing again, in fact never really went away.
�I was wondering, well what are your plans tomorrow with them?�
�I hadn�t thought, why?� She turned from him to fill two mugs.
�Well I was thinking perhaps I could come spend some time with them � with you.�
�With me?� Now she snapped round, staring at him, shocked � annoyed. �Why on earth would you want to do that, with me, cold unfeeling June?�
He stood up defiant. �Don�t start that.�
�What? Defending myself � for gods sake you walk out on me, just like that, like it doesn�t matter.�
�Forget it.� He made a move toward the kitchen door but she shut it in front of him.
�No, I won�t let you do this, certain things have to be said. We�ve tiptoed around each other for too long � you want to start discussing this then you have to hear what I want to say�
�Alright.�
�For months you pursue me, trying to convince me how good we will be together. So you succeed, you get me, it lasts for a while, then one morning that�s it it�s over you just walk out. And you never mention it again, I feel as if I don�t exist for you anymore, like the feelings you had for me weren�t real. Like every time you said you loved me you were just playing a game, lying.�
�No, no I wasn�t, I meant it all.� He made a move to sit down again, resolute to work this all out no matter how long it took them.
June was less calm, she wanted him to suffer, she was angry and upset and practically screaming at him. �So how come a few months later you�re fucking somebody else? That�s how much I meant to you Jim, nothing, nothing at all.� She sank into a chair across from him, her head resting on her hands as she stared at the tabletop.
�I made a mistake.� He finally said, a quiet gentle voice. �I�d never felt that way about anybody, never that intensity and deepness and suddenly it�s all gone � and don�t try and tell me it�s all my fault because it wasn�t, we both know we screwed it up together.� She looked up at him now. �I wanted you so badly, and I finally get you and it�s going great then this stupid issue over children comes up and ruins it all.�
�It isn�t stupid, it�s something you believe in.�
�I thought I did, I thought I wanted children and badly as I wanted you, and you were resolute I can�t have both.�
�You still can�t.�
�Then I won�t, I want you, I need to be with you � I�ve never felt so helpless, so alone, and that�s saying something.�
�What about her, I don�t understand how you can feel this way about me and be with her.�
�Because I was so stubborn, so god damn sure that I could get over you and move on and if it helped by getting myself someone new then why shouldn�t I? I was convinced that I could drown myself in her affections and forget yours, but it doesn�t feel the same, how could it?�
�I won�t let you back in to my life so easily.� She was looking directly at him, holding his gaze with her own, and he couldn�t turn away � daren�t. �You really hurt me, nobody has ever made me feel so low, had such power over me. And I don�t want that again � I�m scared to have that again.� She ran a hand through her hair and got up. �God Jim why do this now, just when I�m starting to get over it, starting to sleep again and not break down and cry every other day. Things are beginning to move on.�
�I�m here because I�ve finally realised what a fool I�ve been. Sitting at that party last night and just thinking � I shouldn�t be here�, you should have been with me. June I know I�ve made a real mess of it, I should have never moved out, I should have stayed and we would have found a way to work it out. But I didn�t, I ruined it.�
�We ruined it.�
�But it was so good.�
�Was��
�Then what else can I say to you � I love you, I�m completely helplessly in love with you, I�ve missed you like hell, I�ve been hurting like hell, I want to spend the rest of my life with you� What do you want me to do?�
�Nothing.� She wiped her face with the back of her hand. �Don�t do anything or say anything else Jim because I just can�t handle this.�
�You said that once before.�
�I can�t let this happen again, please� don�t push me.�
He stood up and moved to her placing his hands on her folded arms. �Believe me when I say I will never take this for granted again, never, I want you so much. Don�t shut me out, I want to be here and help you through this, help you deal with Graham and the kids and whatever else happens.�
�How am I supposed to believe you, to trust you again, that you won�t walk out at the first sign of trouble?�
�By taking a chance. How am I supposed to believe you won�t shut me out as soon as things look bad, close up and become so cold that I don�t know who you are?�
She turned away from him again. �That�s just me I�m afraid � a fear of commitment.�
He grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. �No it isn�t not really, if you�ve been hurting like this, wanting me too, then I know you aren�t incapable of feeling this too. You pretend nothing can touch you but just look at you � how you�ve reacted to the break up of Graham�s marriage. You aren�t naturally suited to children yet you have them both to stay over to help your brother out.�
�And for the kids, they shouldn�t be in that kind of atmosphere�� She smiled; the irony wasn�t lost on her. �So I drag them to another screwed up emotional home instead right.�
�I guess so� please June let�s just try.�
�How?�
�Just slowly, see how it all goes, do what we didn�t before � go on dates like normal people before we start sleeping together and moving in. I rushed it all before, I don�t want to mess it up again. I don�t want to beg but I will if I have to� what do you think?�