somehow doesn't seem so stupid an idea!!!
�You ask me if I love you, and I choke on my reply.
I�d rather hurt you honestly, than deceive you with a lie.�
You no longer make me happy.
How do I say those words without breaking her heart? I can�t do it. I don�t know how too.
Nothing ever lasts; I�ve come to expect that. Get used to it, live with it.
I made a mistake; she isn�t the one for me. I got so carried away with whether or not I could get her I didn�t stop to think whether I really, really wanted her.
And now, now what the hell do I do? I�ve got her, completely, totally, helplessly in love with me. I�ve never seen her so defenceless. I never realised June Ackland could be like that. She�s always been such a strong independent person, but that day when I told her it was time to call it a day. How she clung to me in the car park outside the pub, the pleading tone in her voice; that terrified look in her eye. How could I not hold her?
I can�t walk away, I do love her. I�ve loved her for many years, my closest friend, even when I was at my lowest she was there. I love to see her smile at me. She�s such a good woman, so honest and just there � what you see is what you get. I love that about her. I love it. But I�m not in love with her.
All too sudden sex has become a chore. Those nights when we stumbled in through the front door and couldn�t keep our hands off each other. I must have loved her then, I certainly wanted her. Longed for her, that wasn�t false, my feelings back there weren�t forced or strained. Perhaps it�s the arguments that have worn me down, or the constant need to hide us. I hated that. I really hated her for making me do that. Like she was ashamed � that grated on me, still grates on me, at times when people tease her about �us� I can see a spark in her, a look in her eye that confirms she isn�t really proud of me. I don�t blame her.
Why am I telling you all this? It has nothing to do with you. In fact as it�s my resolve to stay with her as long as possible, as long as she needs me, as long as I can bear it. These thoughts I should keep to myself, bury inside my own head, that I know this isn�t forever. She�s so � so, so everything I should want or ever need. So why do I remain empty? Why is it that now the whirlwind is over I lie in bed at night, her body warming mine, holding onto me, loving every second with me, I can�t sleep, I stare at the ceiling. The things broken hearted people do. Well I am being honest.