June got up from her desk suddenly and grabbed her jacket from the coat rack.
"I've erm... gotta go," she said quickly. "I'll be in early tomorrow." She rushed out of the door swallowing hard.
As she walked through the station she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. She took a deep breath, looked down at the floor and walked quickly, as if on autopilot, ignoring her colleagues, as her eyes blurred with tears.
Throwing open the main door she shivered as the cold air hit her, only then did she allow the tears to fall freely from her eyes. She rushed over to her car and jumped in throwing her bag and jacket onto the passenger seat before starting the engine and pulling away quickly from the station. She didn't drive for long before she had to pull over, unable to see the road for the tears streaming down her face. She yanked the handbrake on angrily and slumped her head down onto the steering wheel as her body racked with sobs.
"Damn you Jim Carver," she thought, "Why couldn't it have waited until after the shift."
Leaning forward she opened the glove box and grabbed a box of tissues, dabbing at her eyes until she could see once more. "Home," she thought as she took a deep breath and indicated to pull out into the stream of traffic.
***
Putting the key into the lock she opened the door slowly. The house seemed cold and empty. It was not as though Jim was always home when they were together, but there was something about knowing that he wasn't coming back that filled her with dread as she walked in.
She pulled off her shoes and threw them angrily down to the floor.
"Toto?" she called but got no response.
She sighed and walked through to the lounge.
Tears filled her eyes once more as she saw reminders of Jim all over the room: his slippers by the chair, his book on the coffee table where she'd left them in case he came home last night. But he hadn't and she'd cried over him, worried about where he was. The niggling suspicion gnawing away at the back of her head that he could be in a pub somewhere. She'd phoned him several times but he'd not picked up and she hadn't left a message, hanging up as soon as his cheerful voice came on the answer phone.
She sank down onto the sofa and grabbed a cushion hugging it tightly to her chest as she brought her knees up to meet it. Throwing her head against the sofa back she closed her eyes allowing the events of the last few hours to wash over her again.
***
"I think� maybe we'd better call it a day." She heard those words over and over again. Saw the pain in Jim's eyes as he uttered them. Remembered the exact moment her heart broke and how she'd felt as he turned his back to her and walked to the car, leaving her standing on the ramp looking on in disbelief. She couldn't forget the wave of emotion that hit her as she turned toward the station, her hand covering the tears that she was fighting back.
She'd ran back into the station after he'd driven away, straight to the ladies room, before allowing her fa�ade to crack. She didn't want to let him see her cry, which was why she'd turned her back on him. She'd sat in the toilets for a long time, waiting for the racking sobs to die away, and then a while longer with tears running down her face, cursing herself for allowing herself into a relationship with a colleague in the first place. She'd had her doubts but he'd been so forceful and she'd fallen for him totally. And now she was left crying in the toilets like a schoolgirl, freezing when other people came in.
She'd come close to losing him before over her fear of commitment, but he was blaming her for this too. "Why did I have to question him over Cathy?" she'd thought. "I know Jim, know he wouldn't drink, so why did I bring it up. Do I really mistrust him that much?" She knew deep down that she trusted him, but Cathy had riled her. And Gina Gold too with her constant snide comments.
And where had trying to keep up with Gina got her? Sitting alone on the sofa crying, Jim God knows where, doing God knows what. She heard a gentle thud in the kitchen as the cat flap swung shut, followed by a loud meow as Toto walked in and jumped up onto the sofa beside her.
"Come here," she said gently, scooping him up in her arms and rubbing her face against his warm fur. "Jim's gone, so it's just you and me again."
As Toto curled up on her lap, her mind wandered back to the interview she'd conducted with Jim. How hard it had been to keep her composure as he'd sat so close to her, the material of their shirts brushing together from time to time. He didn't seem to be affected by it all and was acting as though nothing happened. She knew her behaviour in there hadn't been entirely professional, but there were so many factors that had made her close to breaking point; the warmth from Jim's body, the sound of his voice, the smell of his aftershave. She was exhausted when she left the room having given all her strength to concentrating on what was being said by the suspect, knowing that if she let her guard slip for a split second she'd have been weeping.
They'd only spoken briefly since their meeting on the ramp earlier that day. Jim asking her to sit in on the interview, her agreeing, and then the usual discussion of the case afterwards. It had all been so hard for her, wondering what he was thinking and feeling so stupid for barely being able look at him without breaking down, wondering whether she'd be able to work in the same office as him day in day out.
Sitting up in CSU as he did his paperwork had been hell, she'd been distracted momentarily in her own work but the sheer exhaustion of the effort needed to keep her composure had become too much and she'd had to leave.
***
She opened her eyes again to a dark room. Looking at the clock on the mantelpiece, she realised she must have fallen asleep for an hour or so. The day had taken more out of her than she'd thought. Toto was still on her lap, purring contentedly. She sat up gently and moved him to a vacant spot on the sofa next to her before padding softly into the kitchen.
As she opened the fridge the room became bathed in light and she squinted, looking at the shelves but not fancying anything. "You've got to eat something," she thought trying to remember the last time something had passed her lips. She hadn't eaten that day, nor last night, which had been spent worrying about Jim's whereabouts. Or lunch that day as she was tied up on a case. The previous day's breakfast, a hurriedly grabbed slice of toast had been all passed her lips in the last 36 hours, well that and the huge amounts of coffee that had been keeping her going.
She settled on cocoa, something semi-filling that would help her off to sleep. She let out a loud groan of exasperation as she noticed the milk bottle was empty. Removing the cat food tin, she scraped a generous amount into Toto's bowl before stomping through to the hall and pulling on her shoes and jacket. She walked quickly round to the corner shop, looking at her watch and realising she had quarter of an hour before it shut. The shop itself was quiet, a few customers buying necessities but, thank God, no queue. Grabbing a bottle of semi skimmed from the fridge, she stalled by the biscuit aisle, eyeing up the comfort food in front of her. Settling on a big bar of chocolate and a packet of digestive biscuits she made her way to the counter.
As the assistant bagged up her purchases, she grabbed her purse from her bag to retrieve her last five-pound note, making a mental note to call at the cash machine on her way into the station the next day. As she opened the note section she gasped, a passport photo of Jim beaming up at her. She slammed it shut before taking a deep breath and exchanging the minimum pleasantries with the friendly assistant. As she stepped outside and headed home, the cold air stung against the tears in her eyes.
***
Slamming the door behind her she flung her jacket onto the hook, and ripped off her shoes. She stuck her head into the living room, as she did every time she came into the house, though this time there would be no Jim to be seen. Toto she noted was also missing.
Wandering through to the kitchen, she placed the shopping bag down on the counter and poured the milk into a clean mug, adding a few generous spoonfuls of cocoa powder, stirring it and placing it in the microwave. She threw the chocolate into the fridge and opened the biscuit packet, gagging slightly as the dry biscuit filled her mouth.
She sighed looking round the room as the microwave hummed in the corner. The house seemed so bare and empty without Jim. She could barely imagine it before he moved in, well, she remembered how things were always where she'd left them and how the place always seemed to be tidier.
The ping of the microwave brought her out of her daydream. Reaching for the cup, she stirred the hot liquid gently before raising the cup to her mouth and gingerly taking a sip. Wincing at the heat, but satisfied with the taste, she grabbed the biscuits and made her way upstairs, pausing only to double check that the front door was locked.
***
The light of the streetlamp outside illuminated the bedroom as June pushed the door open slowly. She smiled as she saw Toto curled up on the Jim's side of the bed. She half smiled as she thought of the many nights that she'd had to eject Toto from the room, making sure the door was shut properly to stop him coming back in the middle of the night; the look on Jim's face every time they went upstairs at night to discover Toto curled up on the bed. It had taken June a long time to explain that Toto always slept there and was used to it. And Jim had wondered why Toto was so hostile to him to start with.
She placed the mug and biscuits down on the bedside cabinet pausing to turn on the lamp before padding over to the window to draw the curtains. She couldn't stop herself from looking up and down the street for any signs of Jim, something she often did when he was working late and she'd gone to bed early. A wave of sadness hit her as she sat down on the bed and tickled Toto's ears.
"He's gone Toto and he's not coming back," she said sadly. "And it's all my fault. I screwed up again� I know he wouldn't drink so why did I have to question him?" She sobbed gently lifting Toto into her arms and rubbing her head against his. Shivering, she put him down on the duvet and stood up again.
She wandered slowly over to her chest of drawers, opening the bottom drawer slowly and pulling out her thick winter pyjamas. She sighed as she looked at them; it'd been a long time since they'd seen the light of day. She hadn't bothered with nightwear since Jim had moved in, saved him the hassle of ripping it off her night after night. Cold nights had never been a problem with his warm body wrapped around hers; he always seemed to radiate heat as he held her tightly.
Removing her clothes, she threw them into the wash basket in the corner of the room and pulled on her pyjamas quickly before heading for the bathroom. She paused as she passed Jim's side of the bed, picking up his dressing gown from where she had draped it over the bed last night, so it was ready for him when he returned. She hugged it tightly, burying her head in it and sighing as the smell of Jim hit her; a mix of his shower gel and aftershave combined. She stood there for a few moments before wiping her eyes and gently placing it back on the bed, automatically smoothing the material to stop it creasing.
***
Climbing into bed, she pulled the duvet up over her and sunk down. Toto curled up against her knees as she picked up her mug and sipped at the drink, which was no longer scalding hot. Grabbing her book off the bedside cabinet she opened it and placed it down on the bed in front of her. It was so long since she'd managed to read more than a few pages, too long in fact, she thought as she nibbled at her biscuits. She had no idea what was going on in the book, not that she could concentrate anyway. The room seemed so empty without Jim in there, teasing her as he usually did when she tried to read in bed. He always managed to distract her. She sighed deeply and slammed the book shut, downing the last of her drink in one go before returning the mug to the bedside cabinet and throwing the book down onto the floor.
Snuggling down further under the bedclothes, her head found the pillow. Toto protested at her movement, before getting up and making his way under the duvet to curl up against June's chest. She stroked him gently as he purred loudly.
"Wonder what you're thinking?" she thought sadly. "Two nights in a row in bed with me. Bet you don't even miss him do you?"
She sighed as a stray tear escaped from her eye. Burying her head down in the pillow, her body shook with sobs as she finally allowed herself to let go all of the day's pent up emotions. It was the second night in a row she had cried herself to sleep. Toto seemed to sense her discomfort and pushed his small body up against hers, a small comfort against the cold night and cold bed. Looking up, she stretched out her arm and grabbed at Jim's dressing gown pulling it up towards her and bunching it in her arms, like a child would hold a teddy. She buried her face in it, feeling comforted by the thick material which smelled of him. She cried until she could cry no more, her body eventually stilling, exhausted from the emotions of the day as she fell into a fitful sleep dreaming of what had gone on.