An angst-filled MSN extravaganza by Charl and JG :o).
Background: June�s back from her cruise and gets a rude awakening as she pulls her car into the car park � she sees Marie dropping Jim off at work and the two of them kissing. Due to a busy day, she doesn�t find time to talk to Jim about what she has witnessed until the shift is over and everyone else has left. She pulls Jim into her office�
Jim = SoapSud/June = JG
***
"You're not leaving until you tell me what's going on."
Jim sighed harshly, flicked a glance up to her, rubbed his face then looked away.
"Jim, I SAW you. Who is she?�
"Erm.." He looked to the floor, focusing his full attention on the toe of his shoe.
"WHO IS SHE?!!!!"
"A friend..."
"Jim, I saw you kiss her!"
He rolled his eyes. "A good friend."
"Well, obviously." June turned away from him. "I don't believe this. I just don�t BELIEVE this!"
"June..." Jim reached out to her.
"Why did you lie to me? All that stuff about the drink, needing to find yourself, why couldn�t you just tell me you had someone else?"
"I...I... I wasn't seeing her back then. It's only been going on a couple of weeks."
"Oh, I see, when the cats away....I thought...the way you were talking before I left...I thought you'd changed your mind, that we had a chance." She shook her head. "How stupid am I?"
"I didn't mean for this to happen... for you to find out like this. Please June..." Jim moved a step toward her, his hand outstretched.
"Don't touch me." June backed away.
"The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you."
"Well, that�s a pity because that�s what you�ve done!"
"I'm sorry." He hung his head.
"Don't do that." June spat. "That doesn�t work on me any more, Jim Carver. How I ever loved you..."
"I don't know what to say... I had it all planned, how I was going to tell you..."
"Well, now you don�t have to bother, do you? Why was it you left me, Jim - oh yes, you didn�t think you could make a commitment, didn�t think you were ready for a serious relationship...and now..." June swallowed, gulping back tears. "You're one seriously screwed up man, do you know that?"
"I didn't mean to get together with her it just happened... and now... she depends on me..."
"Is it love...do you love her?"
"I...I... I don't know." He shrugged and shook his head.
"Then you don't. Do you? When you love someone, you know. I knew - or at least I thought I did..."
"I care for her, I know that... but..."
"But what? Do you think there's a future for the two of you? Ohhh...why am I even asking you, you don�t know what you want. Do you?"
"I...I... June don't be like this. Please. I don't know what to do..."
"It's your life, Jim." June's voice cracked. "A life I wanted to be a part of. But you wouldn�t let me, so don�t go asking me for advice now."
"You're right... as always." He turned away from her and sighed. "So this is it then? I know I don�t deserve your friendship anymore. But surely we can't throw away twenty years just like that?"
"What else do you suggest, Jim? I can hardly bear to look at you right now, but..." She stopped.
"But?"
"I can�t bear the thought of not having you in my life either."
Jim wiped a tear from his eye. "You deserve better than me - you're a good woman. You need someone who can give you back what you give them. Me? I'm..."
"You're all I've ever wanted."
"I don't deserve you."
"You do." She moved toward him. "Damn it, Jim, how can you hate someone so much and love them so much at the same time? Don't you remember those nights we spent together, just talking, just being ourselves, having fun, making love...don't you remember how good we were together?"
"How could I forget... those were the best times of my life... We were good together, I'll never forget that but..."
"But WHAT?" June moved to him, put her hands on his arms, feeling like she wanted to physically shake some sense into him. "Tell me, what is it, what went wrong, Jim? Tell me - so maybe I can make it right."
"But... you deserve so much more than me. I can't even keep my own life on track and I don't want to take anyone else down with me. I can see how much I hurt you but... I'll hurt you more by being with you." He paused as his eyes filled with tears. "You deserve someone who can give you 110%, not someone like me..."
"Why do you treat me like that?"
"I don't know... I guess I don't know what it's like to be truly happy in a relationship..." He wiped at the tears that were falling down his cheeks. "And when I get to that stage I get scared."
"Why? Why are you scared of being happy, Jim?"
"I'm always afraid I'll do something to ruin it - that's how things have happened in all my other relationships. Happy relationships don't run in my family and I don't want that grief to rub off on you.�
"Jim...I don�t understand this, why are you looking so far into the future? What was it you said...about one day at a time? That's the way you live your life, and do you know what that means? That means living each day as if it was your last. Or don't you see it that way?"
"One day at a time yeah right - look what good that's done me so far. A year ago I looked into the future and saw the two of us together, so I made a move and we got together... and it was perfect, better than I could have imagined. But I ruined it all, and I can't trust myself not to do that again."
"Don't you think I feel the same way? Don't you think that I feel scared I might say something or do something that would destroy what we have? You don't have the monopoly on feeling vulnerable, feeling weak, not feeling in control."
"But I am weak, I don't need to feel it �cos I am."
"No, you're NOT!" Now the tears came, tears of utter frustration. "Damn it, Jim stop treating me as if I don�t KNOW you!"
"You know me better than I know myself." He flung his arms to his sides with frustration. "Perhaps that's part of the problem."
"What.....what are you talking about?"
"You know everything about me - my likes, dislikes, my problems, you even know when I'm going to start drinking again before I do."
"I can't see why that's a problem." June shook her head, confused.
"I can't live like that - I have to take one day at a time. Marie knows nothing about my past, my problems, to her I'm just Jim - not Jim who used to be an alcoholic."
"Jim who IS an alcoholic. What are you going to do, keep it from her?"
"I don't know... I don't know what I'm doing anymore... I go from one mess to another - jump straight in feet first."
"If you're going to stay with her, you're going to have to be honest with her, Jim. You do know that don't you?"
He looked at the floor. "I know... you're right again."
"Maybe....it would be best for you to start off with a clean slate with someone else. Maybe that's what would make you happy. I do...just want you to be happy, Jim, but you have to understand the risks you're taking."
"I don't know what I want... don't even know if I want to be in a relationship right now." He mumbled. "It just happened."
"Then maybe....you should just take some time for yourself."
"Maybe... but... she's relying on me too much right now. I can't leave her in the lurch."
"You can't...deny yourself to please someone else, Jim."
"I know I know, but I think if I leave her she'll fall apart and I can't be responsible for that."
"You can't lie to her, Jim! The longer you stay the more she'll rely on you. The more she may fall in love with you. And if you don't feel the same...you'll be trapped, Jim. It'll just get harder to leave and you'll be trapped."
"I feel trapped already, but I can't ruin her life, I've done that to too many people over the years - you included."
"Oh, god, Jim, in all these years have you EVER just taken time to think about yourself? Why do you always take other people's burdens onto your shoulders?"
"People always come to me for help and I can't turn them away. It's always been the case all through my life ever since I was a kid. It's just normal now, I'm used to keeping my problems to myself."
"Even though its killing you." June crossed her arms across her chest. "And even though its killing me to see you turn into...the shadow of the man you used to be."
"Don't June..." He turned away from her once more. "It's more than a habit now, it's the way my life is. Don't feel sorry for me. I don't want that."
"I just....don't want to see you...throw your life away on an obligation. You're worth more than that. Jim, I remember the way you used to be...you were so carefree, but still caring and kind, you had that....balance...you coped...that was....what I fell in love with."
"Sure I've changed over the years that's what being in the Met does to you. But you don't understand how things are with Marie... if she loses someone else so soon it might be just too much for her... and I couldn't live with that on my conscience."
"Then stay with her but don't lie to her about your feelings. If you don�t love her let her know!"
"I've never told her I do love her - I'm not lying to her that way... We just keep seeing each other."
"Seeing? Is that as far as it goes?"
�Well��
June nodded to herself. "You've slept with her, haven�t you?"
Jim looked away and nodded.
"And you said....god I can't even imagine it. How long was it after you dumped me that you slept with her? A week? Two?"
"It just happened..."
"Nothing JUST happens, Jim! You make conscious choices!" June picked up a mug from the desk and threw it to the floor. "And there I was feeling SORRY for you!"
"Did I ask you to feel sorry for me?" He looked her in the eye briefly before looking away. "It was only meant to happen the once but then... she needed me - I couldn't leave her on her own."
"What about me, Jim. I need you, can't you see that?" She leant against the desk, shaking.
"You don't need me - you only think you do. I've ruined your life once, can't you see that. Why would you want me back?"
"Because...because I love you. Because despite how much you've hurt me these last few weeks I still love you."
"And I love you... I always have done and probably always will do, but... I don�t know, maybe we weren't meant to be."
"Maybe you just don�t want to try."
"We've tried and we both ended up hurt."
"You didn�t TRY." Standing again now, facing him, her expression furious. "You gave up as soon as we hit the first hurdle!"
"I knew I'd hurt you in the long run, it was better to get it over with - give you a chance to get on with your life with someone who deserves you, someone who could make you happy."
"YOU make me happy!" Now she broke down completely, sobbing in front of him, frustrated that nothing she was saying seemed to be getting through to him at all.
"June..." He stepped towards her placing his hands on her arms and turning her to face him. "I never wanted to hurt you - you have to believe that." His own tears were running down his face. "All I ever wanted was to be with you..."
"Then why did you let me go? Why did you make me feel this way and then let me go? And don�t say that you didn�t want to hurt me, you keep saying that, Jim - I was willing to take the risk. Whether I was with you one week, one month, one year or for the rest of my life I was willing to take the risk just to be with you."
"I'm an idiot June, I had you and let you go."
"You are an idiot." June shook her head angrily. "You're a fool. You're a..." She sighed. "I wish I could hate you but I can't. I look at you and all I want is you back with me. No matter what the future may hold."
"I should never have got involved with Marie�it was wrong - for more than one reason. The main one being that all I think about when I'm with her is you."
"Then don't lie to her. She'll be hurt, but she'll survive. She'll be hurt more in the long run if you let things go on, and isn�t that exactly why you ended things with me?"
"Well yeah..."
"So....?" June stood, hands by her sides, tired from all the emotion. "Jim...please. Just do what's right for you for once. Be selfish. Whatever it is. Even if you don�t think that we should�get back into anything right now, if you want time alone, whatever. All I have ever...EVER..." She placed her hand to his cheek. "..wanted is for you to be happy. I just want to see that smile again."
"June." Jim sighed deeply. "If were being deadly honest with each other there's something else you should know.. about Marie... about how I met her..."
"I don�t want to know." June raised a hand in an effort to shush him.
"I don't think I can keep this to myself...�
"You remember Sonia Graham - the school teacher who was shot..."
"Yea....not....Marie Graham...her mother? You were assigned as..." She looked at him incredulously, then her eyes fell shut. "Oh, Jim....."
He nodded sadly and looked at the floor. "Yeah."
"You know how unethical and unprofessional that is."
"Don't you think I've been kicking myself since it happened - why do you think I wanted off the case?�
"And I...told you to..." She swallowed. "What are you trying to say, that it's my fault?"
"You didn't help."
"I....can't believe you just....can't you make ANY decisions for yourself?!"
"I didn't mean for it to happen and it felt so wrong afterwards but everyone here was insisting I helped her... and I just kept getting pushed towards her... and...I don't know. I know it was wrong."
"If you knew it was wrong why didn't you stop it? Why did you have to wait for me to tell you? I'm not your mother! You're a grown man, Jim Carver!"
"Because I'm weak..."
"OK....OK....if you want to believe that, believe it." She stalked past him, throwing open the door of the office. "If you want to live the rest of your life in a haze of self pity, so be it. I've had enough of it."
"June, please..." He looked up at her retreating figure. "Don't end it all like this." His voice was a mere whisper as he begged.
"You're the one ending it." She turned to him, her lower lip trembling uncontrollably. "You're the one throwing away your one real chance at happiness."
"I don't want to throw it away. I want you June..."
"Stop it, Jim....I can't do this any more." Breaking down again, she clutched her arms to her chest. "One minute you say that the next you say that you...I can't keep being set up to be let down. You have to decide, once and for all, Jim. I only have so much patience."
He stood up and crossed the room, stopping in front of her. "June, please... I accept we can't go back to the way things were but can we at least try? Even being friends would be better than what we are at now. I've told you everything - no more secrets. Please June."
"I....can't just be your friend." She shook her head, grinding her foot into the carpet.
"I want you as more than that but we have to start somewhere. Look at me June." He reached out to her, lifting her head up to meet his gaze. "Can't you see how I feel about you?"
She looked into his damp grey eyes, and recognised within them the compassion and love that she had so often seen during the better times. "OK...alright. Friends. Because I'd die if I lost you altogether."
"Friends." He nodded. "I only hope you can trust me enough for us to get back to how we were one day."
"I only hope you can trust yourself enough. Jim, I know you have your problems but I'm here for you. You need to talk about anything, ANYTHING, you just ask. Will you do that?"
He nodded sadly, looking at June through damp eyes. "I promise."
"Good." She managed a wan smile. "And there's something else you could do for me."
"Anything June... anything."
"Hold me?" She looked up at him with her big brown eyes. "Just hold me."
"I think I can manage that." He looked over to her, and held his arms out. "Come here."
She looked at him, laughed lightly, and moved into his sure embrace. "Look at us, we're a right pair." She buried her face in his shoulder.
He rubbed her back gently, his chin resting on the top of her head. "I'm so sorry June." He muttered.
"It's OK. I forgive you." She squeezed him tighter, and for a while, they just stood there, each taking support and warmth from the other. Then June pulled away slightly. "Just never - ever - leave me again."
He met her gaze. "I won't June - I promise."
THE END
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