12th March 2002 (between Quinnan #6 and #001)
11:22pm
It's funny how things can seem so stable for so long and then everything starts changing at once. Dave Quinnan is leaving Sun Hill. I thought he was part of the furniture, it's sad to see him go. He's had his ups and downs but he's been a good friend. The kind of friend who can always make you smile and even if he couldn't he'd buy you a drink, well, enough drinks to make you forget about whatever was troubling you.
Polly isn't happy�she was in tears, bless her. If it wasn't bad enough that Dave was leaving, the set-up in the hotel to hook Berishna ended badly. Four officers, Pol, Dave, Reg and Jim, were held hostage. All the rest of us could do was listen over the PR's. Derek, of course, he did his best, but when it came down to it, it was those held hostage - mostly Reg and a frying pan I heard! - that sorted everything out. I don't know what's happening now, Berishna was shot outside the station, and�I'm not really interested, it's not as if I was involved in the case at all.
Got involved in the aftermath though, when they all came back. I went into custody to see for myself that they were all alright. Dave was on a high, a real adrenalin rush. Pol looked pale, but relieved, and Reg, he was grinning, being lauded as the hero of the hour, saving Dave's life. There was so much going on, voices, shouts, laughter�apart from Jim. He came in through the custody door and dropped down onto the bench by the office. He put his head in his hands and all at once I could sense that something wasn't right.
I asked Dave what was going on - he explained that Berishna had poured alcohol over Jim and had threatened to set it alight. I felt sick. And if I felt that way�
I walked up to Jim, and he looked up at me, tried to smile. I could smell the alcohol on him. The first thing to do, I decided, was to get him out of those clothes. Being literally surrounded by the smell of booze was certainly something that Jim didn't need. I asked him to come to my office, to sit down while I got his spare uniform from his locker. He didn't say a word. I hate it when Jim clams up, when he keeps everything inside himself. He's done that too many times before. And I remember all too clearly what happened that time, when I we almost lost him. I never thought�I'd look into his eyes and I could still see the little boy that I puppy walked�just�but that boy was lost, hidden behind such fear and despair that�let's just say he's not the only one it almost killed.
I get Jim's uniform; bring it back to the office for him, and he's in tears. I think everything hit him all at once and he was letting it out. He was this close to dying�it's not as if he hasn't been there before, but this time�this time he really wanted to live. Everything's been going so well for him, he's been so happy, smiling so much, it's been like the way he was when we were young. Well - when he was young at least.
He told me as much, once he'd stopped crying, once I'd held him. Before, quite a few times, when he's had brushes with death, he'd been indifferent. Couldn't care less, but now�since he reached rock bottom and knew that life was worth living�
Of course I told him that he was right, that we all needed him. I joked with him, and eventually he cracked a smile, and then he laughed. That laugh of his, it's never failed to make me laugh too�he's OK now, I think, he's going to have a couple of sessions with the counsellor, but I know Jim and he's going to be alright. He's learnt to put bad things behind him, see them as past. He says it all contributes to what makes him who he is. I wish I could be as strong.
3:12am
It's no use, I can't sleep. I put my head down at 12 midnight, almost on the dot, but every time my eyes fall shut I see, I can picture what could have happened in that hotel yesterday. If Berishna had not just been teasing Jim, if he had�if he had actually killed him.
The vision is so bad and so clear that I daren't close my eyes. I've been lying here for three hours, thoughts going over and over in my head, thoughts I thought were gone, thoughts that I thought had been locked so firmly away, that�
Jim's my friend. That's what I keep telling myself. He's a man I've known for 20 years, he's the boy I puppy walked, for god's sake. That's what one side of myself keeps telling me. Then there's the other part, nagging at me. Yes, it says, but he's also the man you were in love with for all those years, too many years to count or remember, until you finally managed to put it behind you, to give up the idea that�
I can't believe I'm having these thoughts again. I'm NOT in love with him. Not any more. I put myself through too much pain over him. I never said a word to anyone about it, just came home and cried myself to sleep, poured my heart out to my journal. Kept telling myself that tomorrow I'd go up to CID and ask him out for a drink, casually, just as a friend�let the fantasy continue until I could picture us in bed together�
He turned me on�just the sight of him�the memory of how we laughed and joked back in those early days before life started taking it's toll on the beautiful boy - man - that I knew. All the time he was in CID, it all got knocked out of him, physically and mentally. He wasn't the Jim he once was�not until recently, when I've been reminded of how�
Oh, dammit, who am I kidding? I still go to jelly when he looks at me, but Sgt June Ackland�always in control, ever the professional, just puts on that mask, and pretends. If I had lost Jim yesterday, I would have�I don't think I'd have been able to go on. Life without Jim�never. I couldn't. He's been such a huge part of my life for so long.
But I can't go down this road again. I've been with colleagues before - Gordon, look what happened there, that was a nightmare for both of us. I've lost track of him, don't know where he is now�don't know if I even care, if I even did care when we dated, maybe I was just doing it to try to make Jim see how much I wanted him�how stupid was I?
Anyway, even if I am still in love with him, there's no sign from him that he feels the same way. Years ago, he asked me out, I still remember, but I just couldn't�he was so young and as much as I may have wanted it�again, too worried about what everyone else would think. I wasn't even 30 then. Now I'm looking at the wrong side of 50 and I'm alone. I never wanted it to be this way, but I guess days when I could have done something, said something, turned into weeks and months and years. It's too late now - I know.
But it's 3am and I'm crying over him again. How does he always manage to do this to me?
13th March 2002
10:57pm
Today hasn't been the best of days. Dave's gone, onto bigger and better things. Polly has been taking everything out on everyone, me included. Maybe I should have known better than trying to comfort her and coming out with clich�s that made me cringe even as I said them. "You'll find someone." "You've got to put it behind you." Who am I kidding?
I was out on the beat with Jim today, on autopilot. We did what we had to, talked about�I don't even know what he talked about, it was just small talk, the weather maybe. We had a couple of cases, I didn't think they were racial, Vik Singh had a go at me about it and�maybe he was right. No, he was right. I can't say for sure that I was thinking straight at any point today. I finally got to sleep around 5, just to get up again a couple of hours later. Then I was rostered with Jim, then Polly with her woes�some days I just don't need it.
It all came to a head when Vik Singh came and found me and told me that he'd discovered that there was a string of racial violence in the area. That he was taking my cases over. To tell you the truth I didn't much care. Then Jim, dear Jim, he asked me if I was alright and I bit his head off. I accused him of not knowing who I am, but he doesn't care about things like cats and houses and football teams, he knows if he likes you and that's all that matters to him. But I was just trying to somehow make him see how important every aspect of his life is to me. How closely I watch him, to make sure he's alright. How much I savour every smile, every time he looks up and catches me looking and his eyes twinkle with�what? Affection, or more?
Poor Jim, he looked so hurt. And I was harsh, I know. I even had a go about the fact that he's single. I think I even emphasised the point. Probably because I'm just wondering why - how - he hasn't been snatched up yet. Blond hair, grey eyes, such a gentleman, not only an infectious laugh but an infectious smile�here I go again, like a schoolgirl. Except this is more than a crush. Crushes don't last as long.
And he cares too, about everyone. Even though people looked at him differently after the alcoholism, even though people put him down, even though they were cruel to him, he still cared for them. Even when he was in the cell, accused of murder, he was more worried about letting down the relief than himself! He showed that today. He knew where Polly was, how sad she was, and how remaining at Sun-Hill wasn't going to do her any favours. Pol knew he wasn't having a go, she knew he was making sense, so, now Pol is on leave, and�
I made such a fool of myself. I was in the doorway of my office, talking to Pol, when Jim came along, smiling, with this folder in his hand. He spoke to Polly so softly�then he made to go into my office, and he was so close to me that�I said something, I can't remember what, something about Pol, just to make him stay there for a moment, next to me. Then�he looked at me and for the first time in so long I got lost in his eyes.
Completely lost. And that boy that I knew wasn't hidden anymore - the man I fell in love with was back, 100%, smiling down at me. I felt�for just that second�I just wanted to�but he looked away, confused, and all I was left with was a hot flush and disappointment. I watched him as he put the file on my desk - he was nonchalant, didn't look back.
I don't know what I've done. Maybe I've disgusted him�maybe the thought of him and me is a turn off, he is so much younger than me, maybe he's seeing someone else and he doesn't need a friend's crush to confuse things - I don't know, but I need to know.
For the first time since forever I really need to know how Jim feels about me. I need to ask him, to find out, but right now, I really can't see how it will be any different to the last time - ending with Jim still unaware and me with another broken heart.