Jim knocks at door looking all shy & pale & pretty bloody terrible...
"I wasn't sure if you'd be back but I.... I wanted to see you."
"I wanted to see you too."
June stands back from door and holds out her hand. "Come in - tea?"
Jim shivers on the doorstep. "I don�t deserve any favors."
"Don�t be silly - come in. I'm making one anyway." She steps away from the door and heads for the kitchen leaving the door ajar
Jim sidles in. "I've just come from AA."
"Oh... I only got in a few minutes ago myself - how have u been this week?"
"So so. Missed you."
June leans against the door watching him standing in the hall, still in his wet coat and shivering like a fool. She is drying her hands on a towel. "I missed you too, I wish... I wish I�d been here with you. But I..." She looks down at the floor just for a second, then back at him. "I think seriously we both needed time apart - as difficult as it's been."
"How was the course?" Him looks up and swallows, narrowing his eyes to avoid looking at her
"It was ok, Gina was.... well marginally more friendly than she is here. My mind wasn't completely on it though - have you eaten i was going to make myself something?"
"No... I�ve been busy - you hear about Eva's little girl?"
"Of course, Gina kept in touch with the Super. She�s been in my thoughts, especially when you get into some ridiculous lecture hall when they wanna talk crime stats and all you can think about is one of those stats could be Eva's baby... How are they coping?"
"How do you think? I've been.... staying with them."
"And not sleeping i bet?? Jim..." She moves towards him, her resolve to be hard against her feelings for him lessening. "You look so pale." She places a hand against his cheek. "It must have taken some real guts to stay with them this week, especially considering what happened.... I'm glad you've been going to the meetings though."
"Yeah, well, didn�t have much choice, i screwed up." His jaw tightens and he looks to the floor.
"You didn't... well Yes you did - but i didn't help, you don't seem to want to let me help."
"You CAN'T help me. This is my battle, June." He wipes a hand against his face and shivers violently.
June drops her hand from his face. "Then why are you even here?" Her body tightened, already her temper rising. "Why do you do this to me? If I can't help you - if you don't want me, why come here? I can�t keep letting you in and being torn apart again Jim! I want you, I love you, I'm willing to do whatever we need to for us - help you through whatever i have to. There for the good and the bad but you can't even trust me enough to share these things with me. You keep breaking me down."
"I..."Jim lifts his eyes to meet hers. "I don�t KNOW!" He turns around and kicks the wall behind him. His body starts to shake and he sobs uncontrollably. "This is what happens.... every time...."
June placed a hand on his back, she wasn't afraid seeing him like this - perhaps she should have been, but she believed he would never physically hurt her. "Jim... do you love me?" She whispered, leaning her chin against his back. "Because i think you do, i think this whole thing has exceeded all expectations for both of us. I never expected it to go as deep as it has, I've never felt like this about anyone in my entire life. And I think you feel the same � and that is part of the problem. I�m trying to understand this; that you fear you will mess it up and lose me, hurt me, end up alone like you have before. But I�m scared too, but if you really love me then you�ll let me help you. You�ll work with me to get through this. Together.�
"It's not fair on you." His sobs subside a little but he still shakes in her arms. "I didn�t mean...you're right, I never expected to feel so.... you're not just a partner, I've had partners before, you're so much more, you're PART of me, I can't think, live, BREATHE without you, I love you so much it hurts...."
June gulped back the tears already streaming down her face, she didn�t want to sob like a child but she was well on her way. She didn�t like to cry � a sign of weakness, what was it she once told Polly � no man was worth it? Well this one was. She turned him round from the wall, collected him in her arms and held him tightly against her. He sobbed on her shoulder, she longed to say something important, meaningful, soothing. But there were no words. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to cry too, leaning against him there in her hallway.
"Don't you understand...I can't do this to you." His mouth was close to her ear. "And I'm sorry I started all this. I'm so sorry. If I had known, if I had had any idea.... you know, if it wasn�t for the booze, i would marry you like that..."
She lifted her head back to look at him. �Jim please don�t ever say you regret starting this, we belong together, surely you believe in that. No matter how difficult it may get, I can�t imagine living the rest of my life and not having you in it. Not being with you. Knowing you�re living somewhere in the world and I�m not with you.� She realised what a mess she must look, her face red from crying, snuffling and struggling to breathe and talk at the same time.
"You deserve BETTER!" Jim yells at her, balling his hands into fists. "June, you KNOW what I'm like, you've seen all of my screw ups, you don�t need someone like me... there has to be someone out there for you who can treat you as you DESERVE to be treated!"
She watched as he stalked off down the hallway, barely able to contain his anger and his hurt. �That�s right I have seen all of your screw ups � I�ve seen you fuck things up more times than I care to remember but Jim. But I�m still here, doesn�t that say something? There is something in you that I can�t escape � something that binds us. What I deserve isn�t for you or anyone else to decide, I decide, I choose � and I choose to be with you. I don�t know how many more ways to tell you I love you, you mean everything to me and � god it hurts to be without you.� She sinks down the wall, tears overwhelming her now, knowing how awful she sounded, how desperate, how weak she�d become � but she couldn�t stop it. �Please, please don�t walk away from me now.�
"I just have to know you're sure. That you wont change your mind, that you wont leave me, because I'd die without you." He leans his head back against the wall, his voice cracking with emotion.
�Leave you? God Jim I can�t imagine spending another night without you beside me�� She looked down the hall at him, her sat on the floor leaning against the wall tears still clouding her eyes. Jim leaning against the wall, just out of arms reach, frantically rubbing his face with the sleeve of his wet coat. She took a breath to steady her voice. �Don�t do that, you�ll make your face sore. What a pair we are � just look at us.�
"Who'd have thought it, eh." Finally she got a smile out of him, a small lopsided smile. "June, about that night...I fucked up and I'm sorry."
"I think you've probably beat yourself up about that more times than I possibly could. Did you bring it up at your meeting?" She was calming a little now, her breathing steadier. She stretched her legs out in front of her and looked down at her hands as she listened to him.
"Course I did. Really worked myself up about it too. Thought they would all look down, on me, think I was a failure." He shook his head. "You know, that�s one of my problems. I always assume I know what other people are thinking, I always assume that I know what they need...." He glanced over to her. "It was..." He laughed a tiny breathy laugh. "Good. Most of them had been there, y'know? ...Fallen off the wagon, climbed back on, fallen off, back on again...." he sighed deeply.
�I guess that�s what you really need right now � the support of those who�ve been there. Who can relate to you and offer advice, solutions � comfort.�
"I still can't believe i was such a bloody idiot. After all this time. That was my point, June, this could happen at *any* time, without warning...I could..." He stopped looked up at the wall opposite him. He lapsed into silence.
�I know that. And I know you can�t make excuses but I choose to believe � well perhaps selfishly that it was because of me, us, that you lost the will to carry on. But we dealt with it didn�t we � I mean we are. I took you in, I wiped your tears and put up with your tantrum and self-loathing and put you to bed. Dealt with your hangover in the morning. And I will do it again Jim if it comes down to it � I don�t want to but I will. I hate seeing you like that; I know what it did to you before. But I keep telling you, relationships are about the good and the bad.�
"It's not about what it does to me." He looks over to her, his eyes boring into hers. "There's things you still don't know."
"What things... Jim I was there remember. You think just because we weren't together I wasn't watching your every move." She moved down to him, placing her hand on his, noticing how his body still shook with nerves. "Jim take this off, you'll get ill." She helped him take his wet coat off and threw it towards the door. "If there are things you want to tell me then do - forget about marriage, forget about losing me or dealing with the problems at work. Be selfish, think about yourself for a change; tell me whatever you want to. Whatever�s keeps you awake at night, whatever dreams wake you at 3 in the morning. I notice these things Jim � I want to soothe it all� �
"You weren't with me all the time. You couldn�t see me those nights I spent alone in my flat when the pubs had closed; the clubs had closed, when the world shut down behind me when i closed my door. When I got in and found I'd had the last of my last whisky bottle, that there was nothing except sleep and nightmares and desolation and depression to look forward to.... those nights when I'd scream� when I'd cry, when I'd.... June, I used to harm myself." He looked at her, the truth clear in his eyes.
She gripped his hand tighter, his pain shot through her like a knife digging in her chest, a sharpness flowing through her veins. �Jim, if only you and I had� I could have helped; I could have held you those nights. I can�t bear to think about it.� She lifted his hand and kissed it repeatedly. �You will never be alone again, I won�t ever let that happen. I�m always here for you, I will always love you.� She was repeating the words like a mantra, a tonic to her own guilt aswell as Jim�s rawness.
"It's just, I'm so full of what ifs. What if I fail again, what if I hurt you - hit you? Could you deal with that? Could you forgive me then? Could our love overcome such a thing?" He shook his head. "I know these things are all completely rhetorical, but.... June.... I�ve never really been happy. I don't know what it's supposed to feel like."
�It feels like us Jim. You think I�ve ever known it � you think I even realised what love could be like until you and I. Being with you, sharing the most mundane things with you make me feel like, like I�m finally there. Like there�s nothing else I could possibly want. It�s not as if I haven�t been with a man before and I won�t pretend I haven�t said �I love you� to somebody before. But it wasn�t like this, it didn�t feel like the feelings would last an eternity, sustain me through anything. But you do, I feel that with you. Making love to you, that�s real happiness.�
"But you can�t keep forgiving me every time I screw up. I..." Jim looked up at her, his face white. His breathing became more rapid, and he stood and ran into the kitchen, throwing up into the sink.
June reluctantly got up, picked the towel up she had dropped earlier and made her way into the kitchen. Jim was still leaning over the sink rinsing his face with cold water; she opened the fridge and took out a bottle of water and filled a glass and held out for him along with the towel. He dried his face first then sipped the ice-cold liquid. �Perhaps we�ve talked enough tonight � you look so weary Jim.� He shook his head and went to sit down on one of the chairs. �How long was it though, I mean until last week, how long since you�d drunk? How many temptations have you had in that time? I don�t think you�ve ever really screwed up since that time � you�ve done such good work at CSU. You�re a damn fine officer Jim, one of the best; you prove that over and over again. You have the respect of every one at the station. You can beat this, I know you can� you just have to - you�re always so down on yourself Jim and YOU don�t deserve that.� She turned from him and switched the kettle back on to re-boil.
"Nobody ever..." He turned and wiped his mouth. "Nobody ever encouraged me when I was younger. My dad - he never had a good word to say about me, kept reminding me over and over how I was an accident..." Jim spat the word out. "I was an only child, I..." He shook his head angrily. "Why the fuck cant I get the PAST out of my head?!"
�Because it�s things like that which affect us all, no matter how hard we try to pretend they don�t bother us. I mean I�m 46; I�ve dealt with some crap over the years � yet things that happened when I was a teenager seem to resurface more than things that were more awful. When I was stalked, when my place got burnt down � I don�t dwell on it like I do arguments I had with my Mum say, or things I might have said to my Dad, things I wish I could take back now. But Jim you AREN�T an accident � you are the kindest man I�ve ever known, the most generous � loving. Nobody has ever loved me the way you do.�
Jim swallowed and for a moment June thought he was going to be sick again. She stepped hurriedly towards him, but he held out a hand and shook his head, reassuring her. "I do love you. Is that really all that matters? Is that really enough?"
�Yes, I can�t believe I�m saying this but yes � now that we have it, I think we can handle anything together.� She moved a chair next to him and sat down. �I�ve turned into such a soppy bugger � all down to you.� She placed a hand on his leg.
"What are you saying, I'm a soppy bugger?" He looked down at her, her eyes were smiling and a slow grin crept across his face. The wider her smiled the more her eyes lit up. "I'll take that as a yes then, shall I?"
He was about to say more but she silenced him by lifting his head up and kissing him. A slow gentle kiss, just her lips pressed against his, her eyes closed, the flood of emotions waving across her, every nerve suddenly shaking like a leaf. She was holding his face with one hand, digging her nails into his leg with the other. A simple kiss.
He shook his head, pulled away from her, and crossed the room. "I need to know one more thing. You say you know me, and you do, I've told you.... well, I've told you all you need to know...the rest...that's our history together. You said you wanted the whole package June. Last week, you said just those words. Now you know, now you've known what it can be like...do you still want me?"
�Each and every part of you� not one doubt in my mind about that.�
"So.... do we start where we left off?" He moved forward, holding his hand out so she might take it.
She smiled, got up from her chair and took his hand. �Yes, but we go on.� She leant forward and kissed his cheek. �Cup of tea then? And I still have to unpack.�
"No tea.... my stomach's still churning. June...you know what I mean, from go on where we left off. I mean that afternoon in the CSU." He looked at her meaningfully. "There's something I should have said."
�You don�t have to Jim � I mean all the problems it�s caused since and we still have so much to deal with. All this stuff with Eva, so much work for me to get back into, so much I�ve missed and you�re up to your neck in it. And what with the importance on your AA meetings at the moment � perhaps we should just enjoy being together, I mean�� Jim stopped her from speaking by placing a hand to her mouth, a familiar twinkle returning to those wonderful eyes.
"I should have said yes." He breathed.
"You..." She stared at him blankly. "I don't understand - after all you said"
"I shouldn�t have been so stupid, should have put you through this. You're right. We're meant for each other. If you want me, you want all my fuck ups and you want all the good times, and my temper and my tantrums, and you want all of it, then...god, June just SAY you'll marry me!"
June could do nothing but stare blankly at him for a few seconds. Felt his hands clinging to hers, her face changed, digging her nails into his hands. �You put me through this hell � thinking you didn�t want me! You lousy sod�� She pushed him back against the wall her palms flat against his chest applying pressure. �You put me through that!! Of course I�ll bloody marry you fool��
"I've always WANTED you! ALWAYS!" The rawness of their emotions returned. "I just never thought you'd ever want me! I never thought I'd be so lucky, so blessed...." He drew her closer, they both felt the blood surging through their veins as the adrenaline rushed.
�You�re a liar � I bet you didn�t even think about me when you had all those pretty young girls lined up.� She was smiling, teasing him as he turned her round, gently holding her up against the wall. His hand sneaking inside her dressing gown. She linked her arms around his neck, this was his moment, he had something to prove, as much to himself as to her. He was lifting her up as he leant in to kiss her, slowly, deeply, full of intensity � she wrapped her legs around his waist, holding him as close to her as she possibly could.
She felt him begin to respond, moved her body against him, her head falling to his shoulder as he moaned her name. "June.... I promise you...I will never ever let you go...."
�Don�t� and don�t ever let me go through a week like that again, a week without you. Doubting your love.� His hands were undressing her now, making short work of her underwear. Clumsily she opened his trousers and pushed them down as far as she could.
"I won't...." Their bodies were shaking now, their anger and love and passion building them to such an intensity of emotions such as neither of them had ever experienced. Jim's mere touch lit fireworks within June's body.
She was gripping his neck, probably too tightly, probably hurting him but he didn�t seem to mind. He was kissing hers, tasting her skin, burying his face in the warm scent of her breasts. One hand was holding her up, supporting her body, the other tracing lines over her skin, across her stomach and arms and down between her legs. She moaned loudly into his mouth as he kissed her again, her leg tightening around him moving his body into a better position.
"God, Jim, I've missed this.... you.... so much.... I need you now...."
�I know� I�ve missed you too. Missed your touch.� He kissed her shoulder. �Missed the scent of your skin.� Kissed the base of her neck. �Missed your laugh and your smile and your delicate beautiful body�� Kissed her face, her mouth, her closed eyes, her forehead.
"You too, well apart from the delicate part." She arched back, let him explore her.
He smiled against her skin. �You make me laugh at a time like this�� She lifted his head up and kissed his mouth, and he was in doubt as to what she wanted or how she felt. He closed his eyes and held her body up, leaning her head back against the wall as he very slowly slid inside her body, not moving for what seemed an eternity, just feeling her, every sense invaded by her.
"Jim...." her voice was soft, filled with awe. He silenced her with a kiss, as he began to move inside her. Their bodies moved in perfect synchronicity, and to June this was magic, this was the feeling, the satisfaction she had always been waiting for. Soft moans slipped past her lips as she let Jim take control, let him love her.
�And you tell me you don�t know what happiness is�� She breathed next to his ear, moving her body in time with his. Her hands under his t-shirt running her fingers across his back, he was breathing heavier now, struggling to say anything coherent at all to her. Just her name, and she could make out the odd love word. Her stomach was tightening, that familiar spasm of excitement, she couldn�t help but think of him crying on her shoulder earlier. Now he was screaming her name, coming inside of her, warming her body and bringing her to climax.
She wasn�t aware of where they were of the position they were in, just a blackness, a sublime flow of warmth travelling through her body � relief, happiness combining with a fear, a deep fear she didn�t want to deal with. It was Jim lowering her leg that broke the moment; she shivered and felt him place something around her body, kissing her lips so gently. �June � are you alright?�
Opening her eyes to be met with his concerned face, not so pale now, a slight redness to his cheeks from the exertion, a warmth to his eyes. She smiled and touched his face, as he pulled her dressing gown further around her body. �You are going to stay tonight aren�t you?�
�If that�s what you want.�
�You know it is � I want you here every night.�
He rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closed. �I�m so very tired.� She rubbed his back, soothingly, hoping somehow to heal some of the pain he felt, the guilt, the uncertainty. �I�m so sorry June, so very, very sorry.�
�Sshh, you don�t have to keep telling me that, I know already. Let me take care of you now, and I promise you won�t ever have to deal with anything like this on your own again.� She lifted his chin forcing him to look at her. �You�re not alone Jim, never again�� She kissed his mouth, held him there. �Now how about you take a shower, and get into bed, I bet you haven�t slept.�
�Not one bit��
�Well then, time for me to pamper you I believe.�
�Thank you, I don�t deserve��
�Don�t you dare say that again, come on, my back�s starting to hurt against this wall.�
He laughed, and let her lead him upstairs, undress him completely and bathe him in the shower.
�Nothing you confess, could make me love you less.�