RATING: PG-13

"We beat you fare and square, Chakotay," B'Elanna said to him as they left the mess hall.

"The ball was out, B'Elanna, and you know it," he said in that sometimes characteristic short bark of his. He cornered her as they proceeded towards the first turbolift, then trapped her against the bulkhead, his hands at the sides of her head. She couldn't move, unless she wanted to create a spectacle. He was uncomfortably close, then he breathed:

"You had the umpire on your side."

"Tuvok? He's the master of precision, Chakotay. No one, except you men, of course," she said derisively, "could doubt his judgment."

"He saw we were winning - "

"Not a chance," she breathed as he closed in on her. "That ball was on the line. Right where Seven meant it to land."

"Out."

"In."

"Debatable point."

"No way..."

"Way..."

"We won..." she found her voice petering.

She closed her eyes as she felt Chakotay's lips on hers. Her head started swimming, as flashes blinded her already closed lids. Damn, she thought, they get us everytime like this, as she relented and relaxed, melting into him as he pressed her against the bulkhead. Her mouth opened under his, she felt his tongue darting in, tasting her. She felt a little like swooning, so heady the kiss was.

"I'll see you tonight," he promised hoarsely, as he broke off the kiss suddenly and left her, staring after his retreating figure.

Damn, she thought again as he vanished into the turbolift, wondering just how badly the other women were faring.

**************

In his quarters, Seven was proving to Harry the mathematical improbability of a ball with a diameter of 210mm, weighing 0.270g, with a given trajectory and released with a certain force, would miss hitting the line. The impulse, as she had it planned, sent it directly on the line, 3.55m from the upright against which the net was secured. You couldn't miss it, she informed him imperiously.

Harry decided that to launch into an argument with his intended, who had much to learn about not being so obnoxiously detailed, would prove futile and headache inducing. So he chose a more underhand and eminently satisfying line of attack.

"Seven," he said to her, "look into my eyes. What do you see?"

"I see no one else here."

"I should hope not, Seven," he said seductively.

"You may call me Annika, here in your quarters, Harry."

"Fine. Annika," and this time he held her gaze, and took her hand in his warm hand, "feel my hand on yours."

"It is warm, and...and..." Seven frowned heavily, her right eyebrow also lifting. For a moment she was nonplussed, unable to describe the intensely erotic sensation she was feeling as he tickled her palm with his forefinger.

"Do you like this feeling, Seven?" he asked, knowing he had her cornered now. And very likely to forget tormenting him with their victory.

Seven nodded, the feeling of warmth spreading through her body.

"I - " and she frowned again. "Harry, hold me. All of me... Kiss me."

***************

"Uncle Joe," Naomi said with a smug air, "the ladies won the volleyball match."

"And how would you know that, Naomi?" Joe Carey asked her as he bent down so he could be level with her.

"They won, Uncle Joe," she said with complete conviction. "I saw a rerun of the match."

Drat that Tuvok, he thought.

"Really? And what did you see?"

"The ball went on the line, Uncle Joe. Everybody saw."

"Everybody?"

"Everybody," and she emphasized that first syllable. "Uncle Tuvok told the rest of the crew they could watch it afterwards."

Drat that Tuvok again.

Joe groaned. They were never going to hear the end of it. That deciding point that would clinch the game. In their ladies' favour. And boy, did they rub it in.

"Naomi, sweetheart, Susan Nicoletti offered to teach you recorder tonight. You like music, don't you?"

"Oh yes, Uncle Joe! Can I spend the night there by her?" she asked with barely contained excitement.

It worked every time, Joe thought. Tonight, I can work on her mother in the privacy of my cabin...

**************

All Susan Nicoletti had to do to get rid of Baxter, was convince him he was so out of shape, that he headed for the ship's gym, and spent as much time there as he could in his off-duty time. He was a real pain, she decided.

And Mariah Henley, the sixth player to make up the ladies' team, found it increasingly difficult to reject Pablo Baytart's advances...

************

Tom and Kathryn were in her quarters playing 3D chess. The multi-tier board with its three main tiers had always been a fascinating implement, much more challenging than the sixty four squared chess board, Tom thought. If Kathryn once more -

"I don't understand Tom, why you guys couldn't give in gracefully. We won, and that's that," Kathryn said, her eyes on the bishop she moved from one tier to an upper level.

"You only had Tuvok on your side - "

"Now Tom, you know Tuvok would always let sound logic speak for him."

"Yea, his logic told him to take sides - "

"Check."

" - which you ladies were only too glad to - What did you say?""

"You're in check, sweetheart," Kathryn said, a sort of gleam in her eyes.

"No - !"

"Yes... you might as well throw in the towel - "

"Not on your life, Kate," as he tried desperately to protect his queen - "

"Mate."

Tom gave her a long look, sighed then gave up.

Pulling her up from her seat, he drew her into his embrace. She was in robe and gown, smelled of bath oils and shampoos. Tom fingered the pendant on its gold chain he gave her two weeks ago, as engagement present. She didn't want a ring as yet. But the pendant was beautiful. He touched it where it hung just below the hollow of her throat. He bent his head and kissed her there, igniting a flame that had been simmering all evening.

"Make love to me, Tom..." she whispered against his ear, as she followed her request by nipping her ear.

Tom lifted her easily into his arms and carried her to their room.

In her room he showed her just how much she wanted to be loved. He was glad that she was happy, and she was just happy that he was with her. So he kissed her passionately, giving her all the reassurances that he would be there for her always. Holding her head between his hands, and running his fingers through her hair, her drew her face closer and kissed her.

"I love you, Tom," she breathed into his ear.

"Yes, Kathryn," he said at last, "you are my life too."

Some time later - a long time later, Kathryn was still lying awake. Their legs were entwined, his arms thrown over her stomach, his face against her neck. He pressed her closer whenever she just moved slightly or shifted position.

She looked at him. And smiled. He had been preoccupied tonight. She had beaten him twice in a row at 3D chess. She frowned a little. Their good-humoured bickering over the volleyball match she knew, couldn't have distracted him as much as it did. She had never beaten him at 3D chess. She smiled to herself again. He had been taught by the master himself. And wunderkind that he was at flying, he picked up even that at an early age.

She must ask him in the morning what it was that troubled him. She was attuned to him, so much so that she could pick up these little ripples of emotions in him. She was still thinking how to broach the subject with him, when her eyes closed, and she too, eventually slept.

**************

Image upon image floated into his subconscious. He saw a little boy, him? playing with a tall ship, mimicking its sailing through the oceans. The child's mouth hanged a little open with excitement.

A voice, the father? telling him to put away the toy. Toy. Instructing him to go to his room. A stern voice.

No...a woman's voice telling him...

You don't trust me...

A stern voice. Angry. Hurt.

Go to your room. Like a little boy.

Room.

Prison.

Walls...

Walls...

Closing in...

He tried to picture the ocean, beautiful. Stark. Magnificent against the pitch black firmament.

Blot out the walls, the room.

Impossible.

The walls closed in.

No...he tried to scream, but it was a wordless wail that died in his throat as he tried to breathe.

Breathe...

His chest heaved in uncoordinated rise and fall as he attempted to draw in air, but his lungs dried up.

No air.

Wheezing, a whistling sound.

Walls coming closer.

"No...don't...I can't b -"

"Tom, wake up. Please. You're having a bad dream." Hands shake him.

"No - !" he gasped as he opened his eyes, yet unable to see, save the closing in of those walls, just as they started squeezing him.

A pair of arms enfold his sweating body. He looked wildly around him, then he saw her. His eyes widening at the sight of her. He backed away from her.

"No - ! Don't touch me - "

"Tom, it's me. Kathryn..."

Tom looked at her. Long. His eyes wild and still a little unfocused. She looked at him with extreme concern.

"It's me, Tom," she said softly, holding him to her, desperation now in her voice, and anguish. She felt the tears, but tried to keep them at bay when he looked again at her, and asked:

"It's you?"

"Yes..."

"Here, in bed, with me?"

"Where did you think you were, Tom?" already knowing his answer.

"In the brig."

He looked at her again. He appeared still in the throes of his dream, as he said:

"I don't belong here, Captain."

"Tom, for God's sake. It's over. More than a year ago," she said as the first tears started spilling.

"I must leave here. Memories..." and he got up, dressed quickly. He looked one last time at a shattered Kathryn Janeway, before he left.

*************

She would be going on duty only at 0600, so she dressed anyway in her uniform. She was still shaking slightly as she prepared to leave. Tom's reaction at seeing her as he woke from his nightmare had been shocking, it shocked her. She felt anew the tears burning behind her eyelids. Last night she had wondered about his distracted way he was playing chess, knowing that the men's defeat in the volleyball game wasn't all that caused his preoccupation. Now, she was left in no doubt as to what it was that troubled him. Six weeks ago - she should have known then - while he was lying unconscious in sickbay, he had a nightmare too. They were surely the same, she thought now, with some belated insight. Was he thinking about his dream while he played?

She touched the pendant, which she wore all the time now. Even under her uniform. She felt its outline, and thought how much it meant to Tom when he gave it to her, there in the avenue of the jacarandas.

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway," he said. "Marry me. Please."

She closed her eyes. This time the tears came. They needed to talk. She had wanted to, then. But he had been hesitant. Saying there would be time to talk about what happened then. She thought honestly, and admitted to some ignorance, that he had been over what happened between them. Meting out punishment then, sentencing him, demoting him, had been the hardest thing she had ever done. Although she had been within her right, adhering simply to Starfleet procedures. It had been difficult for her, loving him even then... Yet, stupidly, she thought that now they were lovers, engaged to be married sometime, it would somehow obviate the heavy feeling of guilt she carried, realising that she had hurt him. It didn't. Not with her, and now, painfully so, not with Tom. It was buried very deeply, to surface in his dreams. The cold reality. It's not over. His punishment was still haunting him. And how hard she had been on him then, refusing to let anyone, save Harry, and for a few minutes only, see him. Even now, she had no idea what he had gone through there. No idea, except witnessing his extreme anxiety as he dreamed...

With her heart thudding, she left her quarters and proceeded to the turbolift.

"Deck Four."

***************

Kathryn paused outside Tom's quarters. She suddenly felt apprehensive. Tom had been seriously disturbed last night, rejecting her in the process. He hand reached out to key in his code. Only finding he secured it. Smiling grimly, she overrode his security, and entered...

She looked around her.

And bled.

She heard B'Elanna's words, spoken not so long ago.

"He spent months building that model sailing ship, Captain. He replicated only the materials, then handcrafted every item you see there, on the Bounty. It's really beautiful. Said it symbolised many things..."

Including his love for the ocean. The relationship between the Bounty's captain and first officer. His father. His love for sailing. Lost dreams...

"It had to be a constant reminder that he was able to finish things. To commemorate his release..."

She walked slowly forward, into the lounge area. Tom was sleeping, his head on his desk, resting on his arms. Turned away from her.

But it was his magnificent Bounty her eyes were riveted to. For the Bounty, Tom's pride and joy, eighteenth century sailing vessel, lay scattered over his desk, some pieces on the floor, others, like the beautiful dark wood, broken in pieces. There was not a single piece of the ship to be salvaged, some of the sails torn even further. The little anchor, severed from the port bow, the magnificent and proud lady at its bowhead, her hair flying back, broken in two. The mast and masthead severed, broken, lying in smaller pieces. Tom had broken everything on this beautiful model that could break. Its two tiny canon were lying, near his fingers. The monitor of his computer was still on, showing...

What have you done, Tom? she thought with despair.

What have I done?

She picked up a piece of what she could only call debris, and felt her tears running freely down.

She turned to Tom, and caressed his head, gently shaking him awake. He was slow to waking, as he first stirred, then lifted his head. He turned, and seeing her...

"Tom... please," she whispered.

He looked at her, it seemed he wasn't seeing her, for his blue eyes were like his Bounty - glass in which she could see a thousand fragments. He knew it was her, though. Because his hand reached out and touched hers. There was a world full of entreaty in his eyes, a world of pain in his voice as he said:

"It hurts, Kathryn."

"I know, Tom..." she said hoarsely, then gathered him to her, his face buried against her bosom, and felt his body shaking. She cried with him. His despair, his pain so deep, she wondered idly whether he would ever really recover, or stop thinking about his incarceration.

She pulled him up gently, then guided him to his bed.

"You need to rest, Tom. I'm asking Chakotay to rearrange your duty shifts," she told him as she pulled the covers over him.

He nodded. Then reached out to touch her again.

He needs me near him she thought, as she decided to lie down beside him and just hold him. His arms went round her convulsively, and after long minutes she felt him relax. She had an hour to go for her own duty shift. Her hand caressed his face as she lay facing him.

"I - I'm sorry Kathryn. I thought I...could handle it."

"Tom, sleep now, sweetheart. I'm going on duty just now. I'll be back here. Then we can talk about... the Bounty."

"I love you, Kathryn. Please...please remember that..." he whispered softly as his eyes closed again, and she knew he had fallen asleep.

She kissed him gently then, and stayed with him, feeling his breathing becoming even.

Tom, she thought with pain, if we can't heal, what's to become of us? Where do we go from here? Will our nightmares always be the intrusive strangers we would rather cast from our minds and can't?

"I love you too, Tom," she whispered so softly before she extricated herself gently from his arms, and walked to his wardrobe they now shared and pulled from it a fresh uniform. After changing, she went back to look at him, so at peace now, and none of the former turbulence showing. But it's there, she reminded herself. It's there, she thought as she quietly left his quarters to assume her duty as Captain of the USS Voyager.

************

Chakotay handed Tuvok the bridge, before he headed towards the ready room. He entered upon her order, and stood inside the door. Kathryn Janeway was staring out the viewport, her thoughts light-years away. She did not even look round to see who entered. She was seriously preoccupied, he mused, as he watched her, standing straight, her hands behind her back, the fingers of her joined hands nervously flexing. The only sign, to him - that is - if you were called Chakotay and had lived close to this woman in her working environment for years. One got to know certain things about one's Captain. And right now, those fingers the only sign of her turbulent emotions.

"Kathryn."

She looked round, saw him and came to sit on her couch. She tried not to look in his eyes. They were far too probing. She felt like bursting into tears any moment.

Which she did the moment he put his finger under her chin and made her look at him. Chakotay held his Captain in his arms and waited while she cried, with so much desolation, it broke his heart to see this strong woman give in to tears. Tears he had seen on so many occasions in the last fifteen months. And at its source everytime and without fail, Tom Paris.

Kathryn had asked him very early this morning to change Tom's shifts for the next two days. He didn't ask any questions, but sensed that something serious had happened. He knew it didn't have to do with any physical injuries, though Kathryn had been to hell and back, sitting by his bed in sickbay, praying he would recover. No, the way she looked at him this morning, he knew it was now a pain of a different kind. While one could recover completely from physical injuries the way so many of Voyager's crew had over the years, it was the pain these two persons so dear to him, inflicted upon each other, that would not heal. Or take so long, a wound that would keep on festering.

He knew in his heart that finding expression on their love they had for one another, which had so surprised and pleased the crew, was not nearly enough to heal those open wounds. For open they were now, he realised as he held Kathryn's shaking body in his arms.

B'Elanna had told him early on that Tom suffered nightmares while in the brig. And Tom, being so proud, would confess something as intimate as harrowing experiences in his dreams to his friend and confidant, rather than even now, talk to Kathryn about it. Now that they are in love, lovers, engaged. No, he thought Tom wouldn't want Kathryn to feel any guilt at what she had done as her duty. And Kathryn... she would never tell Tom everything she went through as the crew crucified her.

"Kathryn."

"Yes..." she croaked.

"What happened?"

"He - he had a nightmare. He - I didn't realise how - how he was affected. I didn't..."

And no one informed you, Kathryn, he thought.

"It's not over, Chakotay. The bitterness, the anger...it's all still there, buried deeply."

"Then it invades his sleep," Chakotay offered.

"Yes... Like last night. He left for his own quarters after that."

"What happened there?"

"I found him slumped over his desk." Kathryn looked now at him, a troubled look in her face.

"Chakotay, Tom destroyed his Bounty. That beautiful tall ship he built with his own hands. There was nothing left. Nothing. Broken in a hundred pieces."

She did not tell him that his computer was on, showing the ocean planet, with its swirling mass of water that had drawn Tom so compellingly.

"Kathryn, I know that Tom is experiencing some extreme trauma, and I know how it must be hurting you. But don't you think Kathryn, that he should know what you went through? In those thirty days and the period soon after that?"

"I - I can't, Chakotay. It's nothing. It's Tom I'm worried about right now."

"And it's Kathryn I'm worried about," he parried her statement.

"Chakotay, I hurt him, you know. Somehow, in his dream last night, and in the moments after that, he saw not me, but..." she struggled to say it loud.

"But he saw his Captain. Sentencing him..."

"Yes..." she said very softly. "He even called me Captain, and said he didn't belong there."

"Kathryn look, if Tom is ready to talk, go to him. Just don't... prod him too much... A little at a time. Okay?"

Kathryn Janeway looked at her friend. She owed him so much. The broad shoulder she needed when... She sighed. Now was not the time to unsaddle her own agonies on him...

She left the ready room, and headed for Tom's cabin, wondering what she would find.

***********

She found, as she entered, her eyes going first to his desk. It was clean. Every piece of debris had been removed. There was now no trace that Tom had ever built a model of the Bounty. No trace. It sounded so ominous. As if, destroying it, he removed the only symbol that he could find healing, reduce his pain, dim somehow his loss of faith in her, her lack of trust in him. That in a way, building it, he was saying it was for him a process of healing, and not some evil reminder of intense nightmares. It's sheer beauty alone somehow overlaid the ugliness that went before it's creation. Now there was no trace of it.

He had been sitting on his couch, but rose as she entered, reaching her quickly. He held her in his arms, his hand on her hair, bending to kiss her forehead. She sighed with some relief. He looked better.

"Kathryn..."

"Hmmm...?"

"I - I can...talk, now..."

"Tom - " she looked at him, with mild alarm in her voice. This morning he was so traumatised.

"Please...Kathryn. Before I - "

"It's okay, Tom. One day at a time." She turned fully in his embrace, looked up at him, said again: "One day at a time."

"Yes... but not here..."

"I understand, Tom... Come, let's go."

There was a question on his face, but she had taken his hand already and proceeded to the door. They headed for the first turbolift.

***************

"The jacarandas are beautiful, this time of the year," he said as they walked to the tree they sat under the first time he brought her here.

"I love it. It really has a calming influence," she said to him, sitting now next to him, instead of cushioned by his back.

They were quiet a long time after that.

"Tom...?"

"Yes..."

"Tell me about...about your nightmare..."

She felt him stiffen a little, then relax as he decided to speak after all. But Tom, when he spoke, became distressed again. Yet he beckoned her not to worry. So with wheezing rasps, almost hyperventilating recalling the events, he related his experiences to her.

*

Tom stood in front of her, arms at his sides, erect, shoulders stiff, and listened to Captain Janeway listing his acts of insubordination. She stood so close to him, he could see the specks in the pupils of her eyes. He felt like closing his eyes, but he could feel the anger, disappointment emanating from her. If she said nothing else, it was her look that would remain with him for the thirty days he spent in the brig.

*

"I - I thought for a few minutes of how...how my father used to look when he rebuked me." He touched her hand, then her cheek.

"I loved you, even then, Kathryn. Even then."

She rested her head against him, feeling the tears coming.

"I'm sorry, Tom..."

"No, don't be Kathryn." He saw her tears. Using his thumb to wipe them away, he said softly:

"Don't ever be. I was fully aware of the many rules I broke, sweetheart. Fully aware of the consequences of my actions..."

"But?" she asked, aware of how he hesitated at his last words.

He sighed.

"I felt...you...lost faith in me. I lost everything. Your trust, you respect, your faith on my good judgment. That...that was what..." he paused long. She sensed what he wanted to say, and her arms tensed around him.

"...what hurt the most," it came on a whisper. "That you couldn't trust me anymore."

It wasn't that so much Tom, she wanted to tell him, but that my reactions and the way I went about it, was fuelled by my anger, because I loved you so. That I was afraid you would die. She sighed softly, unable to tell him of her own sadness and hurt.

He held her close to him, his head was on her hair, and he pressed his lips against it. Like that they sat for a while, thinking. Then Tom spoke again.

"I have been in prison before, Kathryn, but...but..."

"Never in solitary..." she said so softly, he could almost not hear her.

"Yeah..."

"A month..."

"Please, sweetheart. It's punishment I deserved, in line with Starfleet procedures. I accepted that - "

"A month..."

"Kathryn, please. Don't punish yourself," he told her.

Oh, Tom, if only you knew how I punished myself for a year. If only you knew, she thought with despair. She didn't want to distress him further, so she just nodded.

"I...did a lot of thinking while I was there. I...thought a lot about my father. A lot. Even wrote him an account of what I experienced and what I had done. Maybe he will see then that I took responsibility for my actions. He was always on to me about that."

"You love him..." she ventured.

He was quiet for a long time before he answered her.

"Yeah. Yes...I do. It was probably always there. Somehow I could understand the same drive in him, now in me, I think."

"I understood your vision, Tom. Your total fascination with the water planet. I - I... you found something you wanted to pursue because you believed in it totally."

"Yes. I thought I could find honour in something, a cause I believed in. To follow it through to the exclusion perhaps of all sound reason and common sense, and finally, your explicit commands to me, Kathryn."

"I - It was...difficult for me to - to do what I had to do, Tom."

He looked at her then. He hugged her close to him again.

"Sweetheart, very soon you must tell me." She nodded, wondering how on earth she could tell him how the crew hated her those fateful days of his incarceration. How it hurt her. Knowing how she loved him even then.

"In the brig..." sighing, he pressed on. "I had nightmares."

"The same ones Tom? That you had in sickbay and last night?"

"Yes."

"It hurts still?"

This time Tom nodded. Then frowned. Kathryn saw the distress again.

"Tom, let's go back. I can see you need time still..."

He was willing to let her pull him up. Then she stood close in his embrace. Pressing into him, her arms round his waist, her face in his neck. He put his hand out and stroked her hair.

"I love you, Tom. I loved you even then."

"Even then? As I loved you even then?"

"Yes, sweetheart."

"Let's go, Kathryn."

They both left the holodeck, to take their duties again. Tom in sickbay, and she, as usual, in the command chair of the USS Voyager.

**************

"Tom..."

"Hmmm...?"

"Come to bed, sweetheart."

"Soon. I'm almost done."

Kathryn rose from the bed. They were in his quarters. The last few nights it's where he wanted to be, yet..."

She stood behind him and put her hands on his shoulders, feeling how tense he was. She massaged his aching muscles until he relaxed, leaning back against her. Almost reluctantly he got up and joined her in bed, curling his body around hers. They hadn't been intimate these last few days since he started speaking to her about his time spent in the brig. She felt his hand coming round her waist, cupping her breast. His face was in her hair, she could feel his lips against the back of her neck. She sighed, before giving up as the waves of sleep hit her.

She didn't even hear Tom as he whispered:

"I love you."

**************

The walls were closing in again. He felt himself wheezing as he tried to breathe.

"No..."

"Tom... wake up, sweetheart. Please." He felt hands shaking him.

He opened his eyes, sweating profusely, then he looked around him in the room. Saw Kathryn's worried gaze on him.

"Don't leave me again, Tom," she pleaded softly.

For long moments he looked at her, and she waited anxiously. Then he threw himself with a sob in her arms.

"Kathryn!"

"Tell me Tom...please."

"I - "

"Try, Tom. For your own sake," and mine, came her soft plea.

"It's difficult..."

"What do you see, Tom?"

"I - a boy. Playing with a tall ship."

"Was the boy happy?"

"Yes...very happy," he said, his voice faltering.

"What made the boy unhappy, Tom? In your dream?"

"He - " Tom paused, trying to find the words, saw in his mind again his father's stern, austere eyes on him, "heard his father's voice, telling him to - not to play with toys."

Tom frowned now, then in a rush of emotion, said:

"Go to your room. Your room."

Like a naughty and disobedient boy, told to go to his room and think about a transgression, which, in reality was just a boy's dream, Kathryn realised with insight as she looked at Tom pained face. But he wasn't finished.

"Then...then I - I heard a woman's voice."

"Which woman?" she asked him, knowing this to be the centre of his trauma.

"Yours," he said, suddenly heatedly.

"Yours," he repeated. "Telling me to go to my room."

"My room."

"Brig."

"Prison."

His voice rose everytime he spoke now, the anger filling the room. His hands were clenching her slender shoulders, the fingers digging into her flesh. She tried not to cry out in pain.

"I did what I had to do, Tom. You know that."

"It didn't make it easier for me, Kathryn!" he was shouting now.

"I stood by my decision. I still do, if you must know that."

"Do you think I'm not aware of it?"

"You're angry, Tom. What else was there in the nightmare that traumatised you so?"

"Walls! Closing in on me. I can't breathe...breathe."

"Tom!"

"It's hurting me...Kathryn...the walls."

"Look at me Tom, for God's sake."

"No! You are there, Captain."

Oh, God, Kathryn thought. I'm losing him again. I must do something, was the last agonising thought as she smacked him hard across the cheek. His head jerked back with the force of it, and she felt her palm burning.

"Who am I, Tom?"

"Captain Janeway..."

"No! Who am I?" and this time she shook him.

"Cap - Kathryn..." He looked at her, his eyes becoming at last clear. Focused.

"Kathryn?"

She threw herself with a sob in his arms, and started sobbing, racking sobs that shook her fragile body. Dear Lord, she thought with pain, don't let him suffer anymore.

"Kathryn, those walls, help me..."

"I'm here, Tom," she sobbed.

"Your face is there, your - your voice. You sound angry at me. You don't trust me... I disappointed you... Forgive me, Kathryn. Forgive me. I should never have done - "

"Tom, look at me," and she took his face in her hands, brought it closed to her own: "You followed your heart. Remember that. You followed your heart. It was noble and honourable. You did it and even knowing the consequences, followed it through."

"I...did..."

"Yes, you did. You fell in love with an ocean planet, saw its need and wanted to help. You found a cause, Tom, and believed in it."

"Yes..."

"I love you Tom. Do you understand that?"

"I...can't stop the nightmare Kathryn..."

"Then Tom, that voice and that face. Make it say something different. Make her look at you and see that she is proud of you. Make her talk to you and hear that she loves you. Listen to the voice saying 'I love you' over and over. You, and only you can stop those walls, Tom."

"Kathryn?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

She hugged him convulsively again, rocking him gently on the bed.

"Then will you try, sweetheart?"

"Hmmm..." he murmured as he became heavy in her arms and she realised that he'd fallen asleep again.

She pressed him back against the pillows, on his side, and spooned herself behind him, throwing her arm around him. Perhaps now, she thought, we can get through this, as she too, drifted off to sleep.

*************

It was more difficult than Kathryn imagined. Over the next few weeks, they fought, she pleaded, he tried. It was beginning to take its toll on her. She had shadows under her eyes, from lack of sleep. For she would stay awake most of the night, just constantly ready whenever he would have a nightmare again.

The worst, one night:

"No!!"

"Tom...wake up!"

"Captain - "

"Think of Kathryn, Tom. Kathryn! She loves you. She's proud of you!"

"No...!"

"Yes, she is. Push the walls away, for God's sake, Tom. Push them away, please..." Then Kathryn's resolve would almost break, and she would burst into wild tears as he pushed her away from him.

"You hate me!"

"I love you, sweetheart. Please, listen to my voice. Look at me, Tom..." Her eyes would swim in tears. And in those moments when the terror of the nightmare would mercifully leave him:

"Kathryn?"

"Oh God, Tom... what's to become of us?" she would wail softly as he grabbed her into his arms and cry with her.

Yet, gradually, painfully Kathryn Janeway guided Tom Paris through his nightmares, where it slowly, very slowly began to lose its stranglehold on him.

He dreamed again. The same dreams. Where Kathryn hated him, had no faith in him. His fear that she wanted to kill him while he was in the Delta Flyer.

He would mumble again. The wall were coming closer, wanting to squeeze the life out of him.

"Look at me, Tom darling. I'm proud of you," he heard miraculously for the first time. He saw Kathryn face, an image, no longer like his father, but looking at him with such love and pride. The closing walls stopped. He breathed again.

"Listen to my voice, sweetheart. My voice. It's not angry."

And miraculously he would hear Kathryn's voice, crashing through the walls. Her voice sounding kind, without rebuke, without bitterness or hatred.

He woke up with a start after that. Sat up straight, looked around him again, and saw her.

"Kathryn? Sweetheart?"

"Oh, Tom," she cried as she threw herself in his arms, and he held her warm body close to him.

"Kathryn darling, the - the walls...they moved away. I - I heard your voice," he sobbed against her.

Kathryn Janeway slept that night for the first time in many days peacefully. For it marked the beginning of Tom's healing.

*************

Tom woke early. He was on duty at 0700. He knew he dreamed again during the night, but Kathryn, sweet Kathryn had been marvelous, helping him through it. He knew he was on the road to recovery. Most...no, he corrected himself mentally, all the anger was gone. Helped by her. He looked at her sleeping form. She hadn't woken up when he got out of bed, went to the bathroom, made a noise showering and shaving, and came back into their bedroom. He was drying his hair. He sat down on the edge of the bed.

She was lying on her stomach, her hand thrown out, and hanging almost over the edge. Her head turned away from him. But he could see her face. She looked so peaceful now. He had already, and quietly requested Chakotay to let her take at least half the day off. Heaven knew, she needed the sleep. She would have woken with him when he got up an hour ago. She didn't. It was an indication of how tired she was, and a sure message that she needed to sleep.

Her breathing was shallow but blessedly even. Her mouth slightly open. He would be back in his quarters by the time she would return late that evening after shift, but it didn't matter now. His heart filled with warmth, it burned in him so fiercely as he bent over and planted a gentle kiss on her forehead.

He dressed quickly after that, and before he left, placed a PADD on the nightstand next to her.

He went down to the mess hall to join the others for an early breakfast.

*************

Kathryn Janeway woke at 1100 and couldn't believe that she slept so long. She felt hugely rested, and stretched and yawned luxuriously in the privacy of Tom's quarters. If any crew should see her now. If any crew could see Tom barging into the ready room almost a month ago, making love to her on the RR table! She almost blushed. She looked at the nightstand, saw the PADD.

It read simply:

"I'm fine now."

She felt the tears through her smile as she looked at the little screen.

I love you so much Tom, so much it hurts.

"Chakotay to Janeway..."

"Go ahead, Commander?"

"You're to come on duty only at 1400. My orders."

No doubt instigated by Tom, she thought, as she mused about what she would be doing the rest of the day till 1400.

Then she hit her commbadge.

"Janeway to Torres..."

*************

When Kathryn returned to Tom's cabin late that night, she saw something she would remember for the rest of her days.

Tom was sitting at his desk, and spread out over its surface, materials - wood, rope, little pieces of canvass for sails, anchor, bowhead, mast, the beautiful helm, secondary mast, canon, barrels, blue and white and yellow paint. Every minute piece. All spread out neatly across his desk. In his hand, the pieces of wood he was already gluing together.

He looked up at her when she entered and smiled, and there was a shine in his eyes as he said:

"I'm rebuilding my Bounty."

The symbolism was not lost on her. He was at last rebuilding his life, she thought as she looked at him with her heart in her eyes. He's not angry anymore. It's over, the thought throbbed in her. It's over. She watched as he with loving hands stroked the two pieces of wood he held in his hands. The care with which he touched each piece. She felt as though her heart would burst.

She reached him, stood behind him and placed her arms around his shoulders. He put down the wood, and placed his hands over hers, bent his head, and pressed his lips against her fingers, his eyes closing. She could feel how relaxed his body was.

"How bounteous our blessings are, Tom. How full of bounty."

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway. But then I expect you know that."

"Of course."

She kissed the top of his head, happy now to see Tom finally finding healing again in putting together piece by piece his new Bounty.

They made love that night with so much tenderness, they cried for a long time finding release in their tears.

*************

It was ladies' night. Seated around one of the longer tables were Kathryn, B'Elanna, Seven, Samantha, Susan Nicoletti, and Mariah Henley, who made up the squad for the volleyball match.

"So, Samantha, how did Joe break down your resistance?" B'Elanna asked.

"He got rid of Naomi first," and she laughed coyly, not really wanting to divulge the rest of what happened that evening.

"Ahhh... then he got to working on you!" crowed Mariah.

Kathryn laughed. Most of the tension of the past weeks now gone, she could relax, and have fun at their men's expense.

"What about you, Captain?" asked Sam.

"I beat Tom twice in a row at 3D chess. And you know he's not been beaten yet. Kept harping on Tuvok's allegiance being with us!"

"I know the feeling, Captain. Chakotay and I had an argument in the corridor. And he kept saying Tuvok was on our side."

"And?" Susan asked.

"And then he cornered me, against the bulkhead, and all was lost."

They all laughed at that. Then all of them looked at Seven, who wondered whether it was funny at all.

"What?" she asked, seeing their eyes on her.

"How did Harry get you not to talk about the game?"

"He - "

"Yes?"

"He took my hand." She lifted that right eyebrow, then frowned.

"Then he...tickled my palm."

"And?"

"It felt...erotic." Her mouth curved in what the rest could only deem to be a smile.

Then they smiled kindly at her. Seeing her in unaccustomed discomfiture.

"Captain," B'Elanna asked. "How is Tom now?" Kathryn knew she was referring to his nightmares.

"He has recovered. I can see he's fine now, B'Elanna. He's actually building another tall ship, his new Bounty."

"I'm glad," B'Elanna said. She knew of his nightmares, and knew how debilitating they were for him. She was relieved. Then she looked at the rest of the women around the table, almost as if she wanted their consent to say what she wanted to say next, and they nodded to her. Kathryn knew something was afoot as she looked at them and frowned. A question in her eyes.

"So, Captain," she started, "are you going to inform Tom at all of the way we all treated you when he was in the brig? How everyone cold shouldered you? We - we talked about it, Captain, and we feel it's time Tom knew."

"B'Elanna," Kathryn said. "It's over now."

"Captain, Tom doesn't know that you were seriously ill for a week following his sentencing."

"I'm over it, B'Elanna."

"And that you cried out his name in your delirium," Samantha said. "I'm sorry Captain. I was co-opted to work in sickbay at the time.We're saying this because...because we love you, Captain."

"We were really hard on you, and we've never really apologised. Just watched you. Becoming sick..."

"We care, Captain. It's our opportunity to say how sorry we are that we made you suffer too. There was no one on your side then," B'Elanna said.

Kathryn Janeway felt in those moments like crying. Her eyes held a sheen in them as she looked around her at the women.

"That's how we knew."

"K-Knew w-what?" Kathryn Janeway stammered.

"That you loved him, Captain.

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