Hey. I am so tired of liking people. Preferably Bonnie. I can't take it anymore. My brain knows I will never, ever be with her. I will never kiss her, hug her, hold her, do anything with her. But my heart won't listen to it's boss and is rebelling. It knows what it wants and won't stop till it's satisfied. Which won't happen. Hearts can't be fooled. They won't beleive anything except what they want to believe. I don't believe I am going to kiss Bonnie. Especially now that she knows about it. (I kinda told her to read my first entry) she doesn't want me to kiss her, so I won't. Despite my need, my urge, my desire to. I won't do it because she won't kiss me back and she won't like it. I do not want her to be upset with me.... Draging me into the bathroom or any where in school isn't going to help ethier. It's kinda like buying condoms, it's you're to afraid to do it, that you're to young to.She wrote that to me. Maybe it's true. I personally think I'm ready to kiss a girl, my first girl. Myabe I want my first kiss to be her. Maybe I want my first everything to be her. It won't happen though. She's already said that I am too young for her. And basically who would want to be in a relationship with me anyways??? No one I know. I have a girlfriend. I love Leigh with all my heart. She's my life and I fell absolutely horrible for feeling these feelings for another girl. I don't like it very much. I love her. Whatever...I'm tired of my life. I hate my parents, they are assholes. They are going to go see a youth pastor on Tuesday to talk to him about me. It'll be really, really bad. When I go in there to talk to him I'm just going to be like, 'Yeah, I'm gay. You can't change me, I know this. I'm not scared of you.' Plus, he can't tell my parents what I say because the only way he can is if I say I am going to harm myself or others. So yeah, fuck them. I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm so sick and tired of those nights....They happen a lot.
Well I'm going to go now beacuse I want to work on some more 'site' stuff before class is over...
Love,
Jennifer
