It's two in the morning now. I'm up again and writing. Thinking.
(You are going the wrong way Ju..and you know it..you know you should give up and move on. Don't look back..look at her, she is nice..but you
and your weak heart, crazy..blind and crazy heart...you never learn young lady).
One thing is what you THINK is the right thing to do and another thing is what you FEEL you should do. Feeling is something more powerful on me. Absolutely.
(I should not follow my feelings for the first time and see what happens but...you know, it's not my nature). (I'm paying for all that now).
I think about these past months. I got used to everything: work, laziness, abuse and abstinence. I could easily spend ten days without going out, just staying in my bedroom. I could stand anything...and everything seems to be nothing when I think of you.
I would like to tell you hard things now..but I can't, for two reasons. The first one is that I can't find anything hard to tell you (or is it that I don't want to?). The second reason is that even though I'd find hard things to tell you, I would hold back. (I'm that stupid...or the accurate word is "coward"?).
I would NEVER stop being this honest with you, I would never be a bitch or say hard things just to upset you. I'm not that way..
But please don't spit at my heart all the disappointment I have caused you. Is that true? Is there disappointment? Am I changed? Are you changed? Aren't we kindred spirits anymore?
Something very mysterious and sweet still makes me think and feel this
way.
Sometimes I miss you desperately, thousand of miles away from you..But then it makes me happy thinking that you are somewhere in this world...eating granolas and giving beautiful smiles and that only thought contents me.
My soul is like a hurt soldier. It bleeds everywhere.
What do you want me to say? I realize you live in peace now without me or why not happy (accept it Ju). Okay, forgive me for that.
I have my head absolutely empty. I get bored, moody. If for any reason I interrupt my routine and then I want to go back to my ordinary life, I feel a sadness and sense of malaise that I have never experienced before.
I know I can't go on this way. I am totally aware of my faults but I think this is part of the process, a painful but necessary step.
(Cry a river Ju, it will all be gone someday).
I dream of your face..your red lips under the desert sun. Don't ever think I don't love you..don't ever think I don't care..
Forgive me, I don't know what I'm writing, I don't even know why I am writing all this to you if you will never read it.
Oh God, give me a break...what's next? what do you have for me?..It must be something really good 'cause then I don't understand why all this, I don't think I have been a bad person..I haven't done anything bad to deserve such this pain..And now, here she is again..(and if she was the right one?)
Anyway, it's getting too late again and I need to get up early to finish my reading and something I'm writing about the aetiology of the hysteria.
I will spend the whole morning doing corrections on my work and then I will take a break in the afternoon and do something mindless...maybe watch a movie.
(I wanna see Lost in translation)
I suspect they will call me for working tomorrow night so I should try to sleep right now. I will finish my medication on Friday so I guess I will feel a little better. At least I don't have fever anymore.
I am tired. I will take a shower before going to bed. A cold and relaxing shower.
Goodnite.
March 17
2.40 am
(I had a dream about my first gf. It's been more than ten years. Hours later, I realize it's her birthday today. You can call it a casual fact or you can call it with different names. But basically, that is how our unconscious works). *sweet*
