"I dreamt of a conversation with someone I don't know who told me that you lied to me all the time. That your real name was Julie Cross (who is Julie Cross??!!), and that you were a famous singer....haha. The sad part is that I felt like I was dying inside for falling for someone I couldn't get to know in reality..and all I asked myself in my dream was "who is she then?"
And I knew it was all over...all over. It was like you never existed."
May 9
Was it a premonitory dream?
Vivi says I have always known this but never wanted to assume it.
I am going through one of the hardest crises I have been through in all these months. Some days ago I found out one more thing. (Another lie?). It is so painful. This is unbearable.
Now I have the answer to a lot of questions. But not the answer to the main question: "why?"
Maybe yes, I deserve it for being so naive, so innocent, so stupid. I am so stupid. It's my fault, I know now. It was the first time I was being that honest with someone, the first time I felt I was being corresponded in love and truthfulness.
Who are you then? Who are you? Why did you do it? Were you afraid of me?
Was it that?. I want to know. I need to know.
I could never hurt you, in any sense. Because you are the one I love
most. Come on..you know who I am.
I need to see you. I need to cry in your lap, all these tears over you. All this pain, so unbearable. Whoever you are..it doesn't matter your real name, it is still YOU, the heart I know, the one I love. And I am still the same person you once loved, because that's the only thing I can be sure of..that there was a time when you loved me and I was for you what you still are to me right now. I can take the pain, months later, worlds apart.
And don't get mad at me. I repeat, don't get mad. It's just this uncertainty..It is killing me. It brings out the worst in me.
Am I wrong one more time?. I have three possible paths in front of me now and I have to choose one and only one.
I could pretend I haven't read anything and that would be the easiest way and I wouldn't bring sorrow to my heart. But it wouldn't teach me anything.
Or I could pretend I read it all and get mad, do a fit, hate you, why not (I am not sure if I could do that). That is another "easy way".
And finally, I could pretend I read it all, get a little mad, cry some (why not) feeling the magnitude of the fact. Then close my eyes and take a deep breath.
I could forgive you (allow me to say that, please). I could swallow my pride and forget everything with deep love.
Of course, I take this last one.
I will never forgive myself for being so stupid.
But I would forgive you every single lie and would never look back.
To turn the other cheek, that is my worst sin.
June 7
Te amo tanto
When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the only one that I depend on
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
Honesty - Billy Joel
