It's raining today and you know how much I love rainy days, especially because they make me feel this feeling of yearning inside..a mixture of sweetness and sadness. Not many people like that, but for me it's just amazing.
Yes, the weather is finally cooling down and it was time, because it's unbelievable that we were in the middle of april with 31�C..(which must be like 85� for you, I think).
I feel like sitting in the garden now, watching how the sky turns into an intense red..and talking to you, of course. There are so many things I would like to tell you.. Sometimes I do it (I mean I sit in the garden), but nobody is around and I feel like a strange in my own house, a strange in the world. (have you ever felt that way?)
I just sit there and look at the plants. I love the pine, it's my favorite from all the trees we have. In days of storm, the wind shakes it from one side to another and it seems it will fall, but it is so strong..so strong.
Sometimes Wendy looks at me as if she could read my thoughts. (And that is when I think she realizes how silly her owner is..haha). I want her to have puppies at the end of this year. I will give Dan a female puppy, I have promised him so many times. He has already chosen the name!
How sad I feel today..how absurd is all this...to me, at least. You must have a very good reason for your decision and I accept it because it's your will. And you know how much I want you to be happy.
I remember when you put a feeder for me when the hummingbirds were in Alpine and that thought makes me smile. I see those birds sometimes here and I feel..happy.
Mom is bugging me with questions all the time, she says I have been so strange lately, that something wrong is going on and the weight loss is not normal for someone thin as I am.
Of course, I don't want to talk about it so I avoid any kind of conversation related with it. Besides, it was just some pounds..nothing serious. Vivi says I shouldn't dwell on it much, that I don't need to explain anything to anybody, and I believe she is right.
It's raining steadily. I like the noise of the rain in the roof.
I have this image..of your face in the shadows of the twilight, your eyes shining, just like in the picture. You have a sad look in that picture and it makes me feel sad too. But I think it is just my own impression.
I wonder what or who you were thinking about when they took you that pic. Sometimes I stay for a long while watching it and I lose track of time.
You would think I'm really screwed. Maybe I am. I don't know the limits of insanity anymore. I can't judge what is right or wrong anymore.
I remember when you went to Mexico with your friend and her parents. I was so happy that you had a good time that I couldn't hold back the tears but I never told you about it. I sometimes read that email and I smile and smile..and I am so thankful that you shared with me all those simple things, because I think they were the reason why I fell in love with you.
I miss you. I miss your messages in the morning. I miss your letters in the afternoon. I miss our conversations at night.
I miss the happiness I used to feel when I suddenly realized that you loved me.
I don't want you to remember me with sadness because I am not this way..it's just that everything is falling apart in my life since you are gone and I can't find the way out. I told Vivi the other day that when I look at your pic I have the certainty that I will love you this way until the day I die. It's so sad. Because I can't imagine my life with someone else and thinking of you. Or even if I don't think of you, I know my love will always be there. Always. (How can I write this in a way that it makes perfect sense?).
Oh it has stopped raining. I need to go now.
I need to solve the ID problem here in Rosario. If I don't make it, I should be going to Buenos Aires next week.
I hope you are having a nice day. I hope you think of me at least when something trivial happens to you. Because I think of you all the time.
14 april
3.25 pm
