YOU ANSWER A WORDLESS QUESTION
1.25 pm -
Forever sounds like an impossible word. Even in love it seems to be an utopia.
Passion is a strong feeling and I understand that you felt carried away with passion but..I can be patient enough to take it. How long could it last? I could stand anything. Love is so much stronger than passion. So..deeper.
I just hope you miss me a little when you get home feeling..lonely. (if you ever felt that way..because I do)
Because I miss you all the time but even more when I need someone to talk to. Your words were my comfort. Your presence in my life was a blessing. And now I feel lonely in a world full of strangers.
Nan feels the same way, she told me the other day..and though I know it is sad, I felt glad someone else feels the same. (I'm being selfish now, I should feel bad). She said: "I don't wanna stop loving him, inspite of this indescribable pain, I don't want this to stop". I thought "this is why we are friends" (the same old story).
How many times have we felt we were in love? Did we fight enough?
Who knows the answers..
You are the answer to all of my questions.
I would have done anything for you. Craziness? No..I have done crazy things in the past and they didn't teach me anything but regrets and more questions. But you were the answer, love.. Did you know it? Did I tell you this before?
Yes, it is so hard to find the answers to our questions. Maybe we will never find them..we should let the questions be our guide through all our way. Always searching for the answers. I sometimes feel (most of the time, actually) the answer takes the shape of your name (if that makes any sense). (I will give this some thought and write more tomorrow)
When I am happy, I feel I have the strength to stand anything. (To feel strong is not the same as to feel good, someone told me that not so long ago).
When do I feel happy? what things make me happy?. There are different states and levels of happiness. I can be happy when hanging out with friends or when I have a good day at work.
I can be happy when going shopping (yes, who doesn't feel satisfied at least for some hours when buying "unnecessary" stuff?)
I can be happy when I "see" you, at least for some minutes and I know you are there and I am here, like the old times but different...so stupidly different. But it's better than nothing (I mean, it could be worse...hum-really?)
You are out there and I could talk to you if I just press the enter key but I don't do it, I am too weak, too coward, too scared. I prefer staying this way, feeding this love, letting my hands get cold, watching the screen with my usual goofy face and a silly smile whispering "hola
mi amor".
Anyway, I got carried away..I was talking about what makes me happy and I ended up talking about you. (hehe)
I wish I could sleep in your arms, I'm so tired. Just rest my head in your lap and stay there for the rest of the day (for the rest of my life)
I wish I could have faith in God. I would find comfort and peace. But I can't even pray. Just close my eyes tight and hope to find the right path, somehow, soon.
Things are not working out the way I expected. Why everything is so hard?
I need you so much, so much. You have no idea. I am sitting in a bar near School. I am alone now, writing this between lunch and a class.
I feel a sadness I have never felt before. I don't wanna give any kind of explanation about my state to anyone but I don't wanna be unkind either. So I make up excuses for everything. I rather stay at home playing chess against the computer, something that I would have found boring some months ago.
I miss Solo. Does this sound crazy? But it's true. I miss what you used to tell me about her..those funny stories. I know you love her the way I love Wendy and it makes me feel good. (I thought about this the other day when throwing Wendy tennis balls in the garden) :)
Jesus, if this love is insane then I don't wanna stop feeling this way because even now you make me so happy (Nan you were so right)
Te extra�o.
1.15 am -
Back at home from Dan's. I just got home and had an argument with mom. She is moody and I am tired. I'm in bed now. Are you sleeping?
Oh I wish I could watch you sleeping. Someone told me a few days ago it might be something boring to do. I thought it would be like heaven.
I would "float"..remember?........(deep breath now)
When I turn off the light and close my eyes you are the first thought that comes to my mind. My bed seems too big just for me so I try to fill the space with your image, the image I keep in my heart, that sweet se�orita with a bright smile and small hands.
I just hear the beat of my watch, everything is quiet and peaceful. I can't help crying, I always promise I won't do it but once I start, I can't stop.
Yes, you forgot me..you are too brilliant to be stuck in the middle of the road like me. You are practical, smart, unpredictible. And I am too sentimental, dramatic maybe (Oki you were right), too weak to forget you. I knew it since the first day, I knew you were the right one.
I will try to sleep now. Turn off the lights, meet you in the darkness, kiss you on the lips, make love to your memory.
Maybe the only thing I can do now is bury my head under the pillow and think of you until I fall asleep.
27 april
It's getting cold
