I miss you. I look for you everywhere, trying to find something of you in others eyes..a vestige of your personality, your smile maybe, your smell.
I think of you when I talk to them and I just stay in silence, trying to find an answer to this absurd situation, watching nothingness, listening to my own breath, holding back this ocean of tears, missing you, loving the idea of your existence somewhere in this world.
Then I go back home feeling empty inside, not capable of feeling anything for anybody, lost like a child, with this pain in my stomach that it doesn't go away.
I miss you, the thought of your body next to mine, your name showing up and taking my soul with it. I look for you in every place I go, in everyone I meet.
I want you desperately. Your scent on my own body. Your breath on my neck. Your fingers trembling..burning my skin. I try to feel your touch. To imagine your voice saying I love you.
If I could make you forget all these months, forget the reason why we don't talk anymore and come back to me for just one night, for a last kiss, for a last chance to love you...to show you the way I feel with caresses and kisses..no words for the first time..no confusion, no fears. Just you and me.
If I could have you one more time..I would find the words I never found to say how much I care. I would be more sensitive, more passionate, I would listen carefully and comfort you with my love. I would say all the things I didn't say because I thought we had time..because I thought I was being too sentimental.
I would tell you my favorite story, I would let you fall asleep in my arms, I would learn how to cook just for you, I would laugh more and worry less. I would let you know my secrets and keep yours forever. I would give you the most wonderful kiss, the most fantastic hug.
If I could bury my nose in your sweater..feeling your smell, the sweetness of your skin, the softness of your hair. I would give my life just to see your face, to see you walk, to see you smile. And finally find out how your tears taste, how your lips taste. How your sex tastes. And hear you say "no no no".....
Your eyes closed when you sleep and me guessing your thoughts, trying to meet you in your dreams. I would tell you how much you mean to me since the first day. I would try to make our last minute less painful and more comforting. I would hide my tears. I would cry in silence.
I wouldn't say what I said. Because in truth I didn't feel it. I wouldn't hurt you ...I would stay quiet.
I would spend more nights awake..thanking God or fate for the blessing of your love. I would try to deserve such happiness. I would try to learn how to be your friend. I would be there for you when you feel down, to support you..and confort you. And I wouldn't try to keep you. You would stay by my side only if you
want to.
I would walk by your side, holding your hand, admiring you, learning from you..feeling so proud. Feeling the luckiest woman on earth. I would kiss you in every corner, I would whisper you those things that I know you'd love so much. I would sing you a song..over my shyness, I would sing you Mil besos just for you. Just for....I miss you so much. So much. It hurts so much. I hold you inside of me and cry.
How much I need you now. How much it scares the idea I could be forgotten in a second. How hard it is for me to control the impulse to talk to you. Because I need your words everyday to go on. I need them so much. Just to talk to you..about anything..feeling you close, feeling you still care about me. Your sweet name showing up and my heart beating this fast.
I should move on but I am paralized, missing you this way..your sense of humor, the way you swept me off my feet, the accurate word (always, all the time), your tenderness and sensuality, the things you know I like, the things I know you like.
God, there is no person in this world who can love you this way...
I miss you with all your faults..I am so sorry I pissed you off sometimes, but I loved you more even being moody...and I loved you happy and being tender..how could you be so amazing?. How could you let me fall in love this way..
In days like this, I feel I can't go on by myself. I feel I can't face another night alone in my bed..with all this love inside.
I love you so much. (I'm sorry, I can't change it).
I pray for you to change your mind at least for one night..a moment of weakness..an hour of regret. I pray for you to come back..and give me the chance to love you one last time. To be what we were nine months ago. I would live for that moment, to make you happy again. And I would make love to you with joy and desire. Knowing I would leave my heart and soul in those kisses, in your mouth forever.
One last chance. How I wish I had one last chance.
But it is five months now and I know you are gone for good.
"Yo te buscaba en los azules
y me enfrentaba a tempestades
y ahora no s� si t� exististe
o eres s�lo un sue�o que yo tuve
pero es que hay gente
que no consigues olvidar jam�s
no importa el tiempo que eso dure".
This is another terrible night and I apologize for these words.
But I have the right to write what I feel. Maybe it's the only thing I can do and the only right granted.
24 march
1.25 am
Fall has started to shed the leaves.
