I am doing my hardest effort to keep my promise. When the thought of you comes to my mind, I try to think about other things (but it happens all the time!).
I said I was not going to write about you again. Well, I can't do it.
I need to write because otherwise I would get totally insane.
You are here all the time.
There is a light at the end of this road. A light that always stays at the same place and I can't get any closer. Still, there is a light and it guides me all the way through.
I had a dream last night. It was you and me at the airport.
Recurrent dream, impossible dream. So tall, so unique, so irreplaceable. A perfect recreation of my thoughts. No words, just tears and hugs. You smelled exactly the way I imagine. I wish I had never woken up.
I look at her and I just can't do it...I can't. You are in every word she says..in every smile she gives, in her lips everytime I think of them.
I close my eyes tight and wish she was you for a second. I wish she could make me laugh the way you used to. I wish she made me feel something of what you cause on me. She is wonderful, but the thing is..she is not you.
I can't do it. I simply can't betray my heart this way. It's not fair for any of us and I can't hurt her. She deserves alot more than what I could possibly give her right now. I am empty inside. No...not exactly. On the contrary..I am full of you.
I wouldn't change you for anybody in this world, for anything. And I love you so much that if you were happy (but really really happy) with her or with anyone else, I would be the same happy as you, honestly. It is painful to admit it (because I'm a human and humans are far from being perfect..especially me), but it is true.
How could I be sad if I know you finally found what you were looking for all this time?...No...no.
I feel so lonely right now. It is common to think there is nobody else in this world feeling this way. And so amazing to have found someone as Ashe, who is probably awake right now and sitting in front of the computer just like me..trying to get this insanity out of the system.
Her poetry is amazing. I wish I knew english well enough to write you a poem but I simply can't. And I feel vulgar writing this right now, because I know I am not doing it well...I am not using the words I would like to use..plus I gave away my dictionary to someone who needed it more than I do. So sometimes phrases come to my mind and they are perfect but only in Spanish and putting them in English sounds so corny. But I have no other choice.
If I say
"Quisiera poder amarrar esa mirada a mis ojos en este instante y
retenerte para toda una eternidad"
you would read it without understanding a word, and I would hold that feeling inside forever and it will die just there..inside of me.
But if I say it in english it dies where it was meant to die...in you.
The problem is that I don't know how to say it in english. (lol..I am being stupid now..I think it's the time and that I am getting a little sleepy)
The conclusion I arrive at, right now and in this point of the way, is that I am not good with words. And here comes the major problem because that is what our relationship was based in most of the time...(based in / on..ugggh...forgive my english)
And I couldn't keep your love...that means I am terrible. And that brings up a question..because maybe words were not the only thing needed to keep your love (it would be too easy..too simple, and love is not that simple).
What did I do wrong?..if my awkwardness with words was not the major problem here...what then? what what what?
Was it that I don't know how to cook? (ok, lets joke about this a little..)
I admit it, I am a terrible cook. And what is worst, I am not interested in learning at all..but I would have taken classes only to cook for you something yummy. (point for me) :)
I told you once, I am an expert screwing things up. I think you didn't pay enough attention then but now you see I was right. Those two nights when we argued were my fault. (point for you)
I am too overwhelming. I don't know when to shut up. I drop a line and then bite my lip waiting for the hit. That's me. Unfortunately, I am 27 and I think I can't change that at this point. I believe that pissed you off many times but you were too kind to stay quiet. (another point for you).
I never thought about anybody else while we were "together" (yes, we were together, and maybe in the most incredible way). What does "thinking of someone else" mean in this case?. Well, we all know what it means.
I didn't cheat on you not even in my mind and of course not in heart (which I think it could have been the worst way of cheating). You know I was completely faithful and I am proud of it because nowadays it is hard to find someone who would like to be commited to another person in that way. And I don't want to talk about this anymore..it makes me moody. (point for me)
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