I wish I could capture your soul and swallow it. I am hungry of you, desperate, tired of thinking and trying to put things in a way that they don't hurt this much. But it's useless, it was meant to be this way. We were doomed from the beginning.
You were everything to me.
And my heart is still bleeding, how incredible this could be..how insane. My mind is a mess. And when he called me today after years of silence, I felt as a teenage girl scared of everything. My denial sounded unfair to him, (like I owe him something). But no, it's my choice..I don't want to be with him. Now I am sure of what I want.
You are still everywhere...so clear your presence..what you are to me...your image I would say (although I don't have a clue of what your face must be like).
What you are to me, damn it..I wish I could make it disappear...like magic...like if nothing ever occured....go back a year and a couple of
months and change it forever.
But I can't. I live every moment like a d�j� vu. Something of you still remains in the air.. it is not a smell..not a color. It's a sensation.
I might be going crazy. But you are here, inside of me, in every inch of my skin, in my first thought every morning. In my dirty thoughts on my way to work. And I don't care what you think of me anymore. I feel I am the only human being feeling this way. The sense of loneliness is enormous. If we were one a year ago, now I feel I am two people. One is pushing hard to the truth, the other one still wants to live a lie.
I struggle with the other me all the time..but sweetheart..I am getting tired...she is stronger and you know how weak I am.
I am so tired. I feel like I haven't slept in ages.
I am broken
angry
confused
emotionally exhausted
and I need a nice and long
long sleep.
july 21