I'm in big trouble. I know that, I feel it. I think I need help.I never thought I could feel this way. I'm getting insane and Rubia is not online. I talk to people I don't even know and I always tell them about you. I'm sick of myself and I'm sure I make them sick of me too.
I just want some peace. I almost send you an IM tonight. I'm so out of my mind!! You were not online. I bet you were with her.
I feel dizzy (GOD I NEED HELP!!). I'm paralized. Crying doesn't help much. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel like throwing up.
Yes, I hate my life right now. My friends are cool, they do their best. They don't even know what I am going through. Oh God, if I had the guts I would . (Oh God if you really exist please help me out, I am dying, I'm falling apart)
(KILL ME). I'm sorry mom you have to see me this way, if I could just be half the woman I used to be but this pain is so big and it doesn't go away. I need to take it away. My mind hurts, my body, my heart. I hate myself because it's always the same. I do silly shit and then regret.
Rubia I love you, you're the best. Your words heal me but what the fuck am I going to do this Valentine's?? Work all night so then I wouldn't think. Yeah...that's what I'm gonna do..work all night, keep my mind busy.
Vivi please come back soon. I need to talk to you, you always understand me. I miss you.
Where is my life? What have I done to myself?
Jojo please forgive me, what a fool I've been. I can't stand this silence between us...losing you for my childish behavour. Where are you? Still in Cruzilandia?. It's been more than a month and you don't show up. I wanna be myself again. Get my life back. If I could just get this job at the maritime agency it would be wonderful but I'm losing my hope. I did it pretty well on the interview, I think the guy liked me. I didn't even recognized myself on that business suit (it wasn't that
bad at all, I think it was sexy).
Shit, it's hot now, I'm sweating and I can't sleep.
Martha is so nice. She will cook pasta tomorrow night. (I'll buy the wine.)
I feel good when I'm aruond them. Friends...all I have. I should feel lucky. I'm an asshole.
Oki, do you really like me?. You really do?. It's good to know but I don't wanna play with you. I wouldn't come back to any man and you know that despite all those reasons you gave to me the other day that I will eventually end up marrying a man. I don't think so. I suspect you are getting sick of me too.
Why the heck am I writing all this in English?? Weird..I should be
thinking in Spanish, no?
Now I understand the pain my ex bf felt when I left him. He was in love and I was a bitch. Am I still a bitch?. I don't wanna be a bitch.
I should open the window now so I feel some summer air but I hate mosquitos. Oh, it's a lovely night. I didn't even notice..clear sky.. Why do my thoughts always go back to you??
I feel a little better now. Writing is good...yeah..
Evanescence is on the radio. Gosh, I like that chick. She's so hot and her voice is so pure. I wonder if you would like her. (but..she has body piercings) LOL. I have one. Did I tell you?. Nevermind.
"I must not get online at night". I repeat that to myself all the time but I always end up doing the wrong thing. (stupid woman)
Nanci is sending silly emails again. She fills my inbox with bad jokes and s despites what I told her. She doesn't realize I don't want to see a dick ever again. She pisses me off. She didn't call me last sunday. Weird..is she mad at me?. Probably. I deserve it, for being such a bitch. I should spend more time with her. Her health condition worries me. I'll call her tomorrow.
(2 a.m) I have insommia. Damn, I need to get up early tomorrow. I should
start studying. Nah, forget it Ju.
Sometimes I get scared of my own thoughts. This is when I need you Oki, you and your wonderful stories. (like that one about the duck, how awesome). I wish I could sell my boat, you know what I mean?.
This will take time, I know. But sometimes I think I'm not patient enough and it does require patience, that's for sure.
(I'm getting over this crisis I'm going thru tonight). It feels good now..relieved.
I need to take Wendy to the vet soon. The vet. Oh no. Oh no. (it's good
to make fun of oneself). My vet is not cute though. :)
Now I'll turn out the light and hopefully sleep well.
Tomorrow will be another day. Ma�ana ser� otro d�a.
Anyway..finally I'm getting sleepy. I won't cry tonight, I have promised
myself. (I'll leave a tissue under the pillow though)
Sweet dreams.
Dulces sue�os.
febr 12 - 2.25 am
