How strange people can be sometimes. How unpredictible, in the most funny times. Is that what makes relatioships so interesting? The mysterious component? The unpredictible turns they can take?
Sometimes I feel we were in the same room but it was dark and we could not see our faces. But still, we were in the same room, we smelled each other, sometimes I clearly felt your breath on my neck, down my chest, in places that you know very well.
But we were afraid of each other, yes, it's true. I was afraid of losing you and that made me act the way I did. And you were afraid of...I'd like to know. Of the truth? Of a dream? Of the pain itself? Of love?
You left me alone in that room. And it was very dark...darker I would say as days went by. And cold, so cold. But for some strange and mysterious reason I wanted to stay there. It was like I couldn't find the door to get out of it..having the stupid hope that you were going to open that door one day..and not for being again what we were a year ago, because things would never be the same (ever again). But I had this feeling inside my heart, this deep desire of learning how to be your friend. Because I needed so desperately to talk to you sometimes, especially when I could not find a way out to some things here. Things that only you and I know because you know my heart and soul like nobody does.
And I needed you there, your accurate words, your talking about simple things, the incredible and unpredictible second turns your thoughts used to take.
I just thought this situation was absurd and stupid and we were wasting time being so far from each other instead of (at least) trying to learn how to be friends, that was so much better than this current situation.
But I was wrong. So wrong and blind.
I needed to do something with this love. Something more than writing and crying. I needed to turn it into another feeling because I thought it was driving me crazy.
I don't know. Maybe I was talking nonsense. Maybe I was too tired from the weekend and having deliriums. (well, probably very tired but I am not serious about the deliriums..my mental health is exactly the same as some months ago..hmm...I wouldn't be completely sure after all these pills......)
Oh well..I will drink a beer, maybe a couple.. and laugh until sunrise. I am trying to get my life back.
My eyes are open. The room has been finally lit.
August 27
1.30 am
