I Want Happiness

Disclaimer: No, they don�t belong to me, the belong to the genius, fucking SICK mind of Joss Whedon! Tell me, why the hell did he even BOTHER to build something as beautiful as B/A only to TAKE IT BEG AGAIN AND PRETEND IT NEVER MEANT ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE?! It WASN�T just a crush! And everybody who saw S1-3 knows that!!! C�mon, was your first crush like THAT? And if you tell me that it was, please don�t... would make one very depressed about my own love-life...
Notes: This is a sequel to �Flinch�. I think I�ll make it maybe a series? What do you think? The lyrics are taken from �Clover� by Clamp.
#2 Note: Okay, I�m STILL German, so there WILL be HUGE mistakes!!!! Sorry for that!
Summary: Just like Flinch, only from Angel�s POV.
Feedback: yes *yes* YES *YES*! *orgasmicoutcry*
Dedication: To all my feedbackers to Flinch! You�re the best! Thank you so much!
Angel�s POV

*~*~*

//I want happiness
I seek happiness\\

I think about you so much these days. And every time I do it hurts anew. Remembering what I did to you so long ago, now.

What I said only to make you hurt as much as I was.

And every time I wish I could just turn back time and make it undone. I don�t want to hurt you. I never wanted to.

I perish the day I can see your smile again, but I dread the moment I do, because I know it won�t be for me. I destroyed everything we ever had. With three little words. �I love Cordelia�

It was sick, I know this now, but back then I believed it all. I gave you the fault for everything that had gone wrong in my life, all the time knowing that it wasn�t you. You weren�t even there when it happened.

But I guess that was the reason I was so mad at you. That I told you I hated you. That I BELIEVED I hated you.

Because you didn�t know deep within what was wrong with me. Because you didn�t bother finding out, saving me. You didn�t care.

//to cause your happiness
to be your happiness\\

And I know it�s selfish because I saw the tears and heard the sobs and broken words so filled with agony.

You were in pain.

And I didn�t even bother to TRY to comfort you.

//so take me,
someplace far away
to a true elsewhere
please take me there\\

I turned you away. So very harshly.

I once promised you that you could always count on my help, that I would come to you whatever the reason. But I see now that I lied. I didn�t even care that I hurt your feelings.

I want to turn back time.

//magic that lasts
never-ending kiss
revery without break
unperishable bliss\\

I�d been pretending to be someone else all that time, so I could fit the picture of the man my friends wanted to see. But somehow, I�d started pretending so hard, I couldn�t see the line between truth and lie anymore.

The constant lie I was living became my reality. I didn�t even notice it. I became that goofy dork, lusting after my best friend, playing hockey in the lobby, hurting the love of my live, lying to her.

But I needed to be this man, so that my son could lead a happy life. My own father had never been home, had never spoken to me out of the lines of education, money and such things. He didn�t care about me. I always thought he hated me. So I became a rebellious, stupid jerk, trying to get under any skirt available. And before I realised it he really did hate me. Because I threw away my life so carelessly.

I didn�t want that for Conner. I wanted him to know that I loved him. And I thought I had to play the role of the super-daddy who plays hockey, has a relationship and buys him stupid T-shirts with his name on it. Along with the �Daddy Dearest� sweaters, not to forget.

But now Conner is gone, and I don�t know if I�ll ever see him again. And I just wish he�d at least once seen the real me.

//take me,
I want happiness.\\

And I realise now, that my father never hated me. Never. Because it doesn�t matter how hard you try, you can�t hate your own flesh and blood. Conner was a part of me. And I know it wouldn�t have mattered if he did anything wrong, if he did everything wrong, I would have loved Conner anyway. And I know I always will.

It�s strange, really, but you can�t explain the love you feel for a child. It�s powerful, unconditional and forever.

Kinda the way I love you, Buffy.

//birds sing
song of unknown tongue
though winged, they
still fail to reach the sky,\\

the moment I realised all that, I stopped wearing this stupid Hawaii shirts I�d began to like and broke it off with Cordy.

It was kinda like another epiphany. But a good one this time around.

I can�t believe I had been so blind to not be able to see the difference of the love I held for her, You and Conner.

Buffy is the love of my life. You always were.

Cordy is my best friend. And I love her just as much. She�s my sister.

Conner, he�s me, in a way.

And I want to turn back time.

//a place not to be treaded alone.\\

I don�t know what happened to you exactly when you came to me for help so long ago. But I was so jealous, you had Dawn, you still had your own flesh and blood with you and your friends didn�t turn away the moment you stopped pretending to be someone else. Trying to talk you into a love that wasn�t existent and were mad at you when you showed your emotions for a little too long. They were mad at you when you didn�t �snap out of it� when your only son was gone.

And I wanted to find out. Immediately.

You can�t know the anger I felt for myself when I found out you�d killed your BEST FRIEND when you showed up on my doorstep. I know what Willow meant to you. God, Buffy I�m so sorry.

But why they all left you alone I�ll never understand. Why didn�t they see you were hurt so much more than them?

God, I want to turn back time.

//so take me
to a true Elsewhere.\\

I want to make it better. I want to comfort you. I want to see you smile again. I want to see you.

And I don�t know what made me go and see Dawn that day. She lived with her father, I realised with a start.

You are all alone!

I can�t understand what Dawn wanted to tell me. Didn�t she see the hurt in your eyes? The hurt I didn�t see either? Didn�t want to see?

And I know you don�t hate her for it. You still love her and you always will.

Because in a way, she�s your daughter. And you can�t hate what�s part of you.

//wet feathers
locked fingers
melting flesh,
fusing minds.\\

And, oh, how I miss you, Buffy.

I want to touch you. Feel you. Love you. And I know I probably never will be able to again. And although I understand our love is unconditional, like the love to your child, but that doesn�t mean you�re not hurt.

That doesn�t mean you�ll ever be able to forgive me. You may love me, but you certainly don�t trust me anymore. How could you when I broke the biggest promise a lover can give?

I promised you forever.

//take me,
I want happiness.\\

And I just want to hold your hand. I want you to be happy. I want to be happy.

So how long do I need to get the strength to apologise to you?

I don�t know. And so I spent the last years brooding about you. And Cordelia, Gunn and Fred keep worrying about me. They shouldn�t. I�m normal again.

At least Fred doesn�t ramble about me and Cordy being soulmates anymore.

She doesn�t know what a soulmate is, she never felt that complete. She doesn�t know you.

//Not your past,
but your present is what I seek,\\

And I desperately try not to follow you to Sunnydale, begging you on my knees to take me back.

I know you wouldn�t forgive me.

I want to help you, save you like you saved me all those years ago. Because you�re as lonely as I had been, then.

I want to get to know you all over again.

I want to fall in love with your smile all over again.

//carefully winding back its fragile thread\\

You could call me desperate, but I don�t care. So what? There�s a stuffed bear lying in my bed. With tiny button-eyes and all in all really adorable. But he�s the only thing I have left of Conner.

He sits right next to Mr. Gordo.

I know I should give him back to you, but I can�t.

He is all I have left of you.

//please take me there\\

I took him when you .... were gone. After I visited your grave and couldn�t seem to understand how it was fair that you, a person so pure, should be allowed to suffer like you did before you...

You should have come to me for help. But then again, I probably would have turned you down then, either.

But when I set down Mr. Gordo on your tombstone, and wanted to leave him there, I turned around again and took him with me. Every other feeling I had kept with me towards you, I left at your grave.

Only to get it back when I saw clearly again. Which wasn�t for a longer time.

I�d started believing I didn�t love you anymore. I didn�t even care about you anymore.

I couldn�t have been more wrong.

And I don�t know why I didn�t saw that sooner, because I kept Mr. Gordo like a king would his crown. I didn�t even give it to Conner when he wanted it.

//I want happiness
I seek happiness
to cause your happiness,
to be your happiness.
take me
to a true Elsewhere.
deliver me,\\

I don�t know when exactly I headed off to Sunnydale, but Cordelia was soon to follow me.

So together we walk through the streets we�d long tried to forget, but remembered all that well. I tried her home at first, only to realise that it wasn�t her home anymore. There lived a nice and kind family now. Two boys, maybe three and six, and a happily married couple.

And I wonder if that could have been us, in another life.

But I want it for us either way.

We tried the Bronze afterwards. It also has changes. The decor�s much more mature and modern, not the romantic gothic I remember. It�s nice. But you�re not here either.

I don�t know how long I searched for you in a the crowds of Sunnydale�s �downtown� that is much larger than it was when I was here the last time. Everything is bigger and suddenly there are so many more people living on this small California town build on the mouth of hell.

You�re nowhere to find. Not in the mansion, not in the mall, not in the Cinema or Espresso Pump. Not even on Campus.

//a bird in a gilded cage,
a bird bereft of flight
a bird that cannot cry,
a bird all by itself.\\

You don�t go to College anymore. And I want to know why because you have such a beautiful mind and are so intelligent it�s sometimes scary. You don�t seem like it on the first look.

They didn�t even have you at their computer anymore.

I�m not even able to find you in a small town like this.

//so take me
I want happiness.
happy just to be with you
happy just to see you smile.\\

Cordelia�s whining on a constant basis and we take a short walk to that Fast Food Restaurant where everything smells like puke, but Cordy obviously likes it, so we stay. And I nearly am sorry for the poor guy at the counter who�s serving Cordy. She�s giving him the lecture about how she � a big meanie actress- has had a long day and that he couldn�t even listen right from what she said.

She�d said the wrong thing and he only served her what she told him, too, but I won�t tell her. No need for hurricane Cordelia right now.

//so take me
to a true Elsewhere.
please, take me
to happiness.\\

And when I turn my head towards the small gasp I imagine to hear right next to me but I ignore it, instead I follow Cordy to the table and sit down silently.

And I�m so blind because I didn�t notice your blonde head disappearing through the back-door.

//my first thought
and my last wish,
a promised land where fairies wait
with room just enough for two.\\

And I hope it�s not to late when I suddenly get it and rush through that door you disappeared through and am so sad, because you have to work in this whole for a living and the look on your face was so full of anguish.

You can do better than this, Buffy.

You can be happy if you want to.

And I almost forgot how fast you are because I run and run and can�t seem to catch up with you.

Why, oh, why do you run away from me? Why are you so scared of me?

//so deliver me, help me
to forget the tribulations of day
and to stay in this dream of night,
where I can be thinking of you forever\\

And I only see the shock in your eyes when I find you in the Restfield cemetery, breathing my name the same way you always did, the small word rolling off your tongue so naturally.

And god, I�m so glad when you don�t pull away when I close my lips on yours.

//take me
to my bliss.\\

The End

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