Soul Saving
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I wouldn�t need to write this!
Notes: I�m German, so sorry if there are any mistakes, but I�m not this good in speaking (or writing) English.
Timeline: Buffy�s resurrection. I�m working with a few thinks I know out of Spoilers, so it could be that something�s wrong. I haven�t seen the new episodes, yet. We get them much much later in Germany :o( [Okay, you know I began writing this long ago, so now I DID see the new eps, but that doesn�t count here. You should be able to get the changes I made....]
Summary: Buffy�s soul needs to be saved, but Angel refuses to see her.
#2 Note: I listened to �Fallin�� and �She�s the One� like the hundredth time and this just jumped outta my mind.
#3 Note: Okay, as I mentioned before, I began writing this a little long while ago, but stopped because of a serious writer�s block and the lack of feedback for that one, but as I now have loads of new idea�s, I�m continuing, soooooo....
FEEDBACK: PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT�S LIFE-DEPENDING, HERE!!!!!!!!!
@}->---
�Buffy, this wasn�t about you. This was about saving somebody�s soul. That�s what I do here, and you�re not a part of it.�
- Angel in �Sanctuary�
@}->---
The feeling I had when I found out about the death of my life�s only love was indescribable. I always thought I knew it the moment something happened. I was probably too busy walking around in the sun or checking my hair to notice.
She died. She�s not here, anymore. It�s difficult to carry on when the only reason you used to is not there, anymore.
I always hoped for a second chance. Or a third, or fourth, or fifth. I always thought we�d make it. That I�d just show up at her porch the moment I shanshued and we�d live happily ever after. What is the Shanshu for, anyway, when she�s not here to share it with me.
I don�t know why I am angry with her, now. I should be jumping up and down with joy. She�s alive again! But she must have known I�d suffer without her, right? Why were I informed this late? Why didn�t she even bother to tell me herself, but send Willow to explain?
Would I be able to live this through again when she dies for real? Wouldn�t it be easier if I keep on pretending she is gone?
I can�t see her. I won�t.
Faith and Wesley both tried to convince me to go to Sunnydale and see her, make a picture for myself, see what�s going on.
Faith�s now in Sunnydale. When she left town two weeks ago I expected her to return only a few hours after. The two slayers didn�t get along very well and I thought Buffy would send her back to L.A. immediately.
Well, that was a while ago and Faith was to return tomorrow morning.
*~*~*
Faith stomped through the door that morning, rage written all over her face and she stopped right infront of Angel. �You get your ass to Sunnydale the moment the sun sets and go see her!� She spit at him.
Angel just turned away from her.
�Angel, what makes you be so angry with her?� Faith yelped. �Angel, she didn�t tell you you�re crap or something o-or had sex with some fella infront of your eyes. There�s nothing she could apologise for. She *died*. That was bloody well not her fault!�
Angel jumped right infront of her. �Then why didn�t she tell me herself? She needs me, now? How could I know? She didn�t even think I�m important enough to let me know she�s alive. That she�s not dead.�
�She is dead.� Faith said calmly. �As dead as a living person could be. Deader, then every vampire walking around in sweet ol� Sunnydale.�
She turned around and made her way to the door. �She tried to kill herself. Six times.� She said, facing the door. �Ya know- it�s true, when you die you get all the answers. She knows everything, now. But really, if the truth is this horrible, I really don�t wanna know it!� And she closed the door behind her and left a brooding Angel alone in his dark room.
Angel blinked a few moments and then ran after her. Buffy tried to kill herself? His brave Buffy? �Faith, wait!�
Faith stopped next to Cordelia and turned around to face him.
�How is she?� He whispered.
�Miserable plus living her own little hell equals she TRIED TO KILL HERSELF! How do you think she�s doing?� Faith shouted. �Ya know- when I showed up infront of her doorstep I expected her to kick my ass right back here, within the moment of opening that door. Do you know what she did instead? She hugged me! Without saying one word. Just held me tight. I asked her why she forgave me and she simply answered: �How could I not when you only did your wrongs ,�cause of the same reason I did mine? Still making?� � Faith said. �God, Angel, she looks so unbelievable sad.�
�She�s loosing it. You HAVE to go to her. You�re the only one that can help her. I thought that�s what you do. Soul saving. Help the hopeless.� Faith said pleadingly. �I got her outta Sunnydale, she�s staying with me for a couple of days. She said she�ll come tomorrow as soon as her classes are over. Sunnydale�s just too much for her at the moment.�
�What do you mean with �Sunnydale�s too much for her�. Did she loose her strength?� Cordelia asked in a quiet voice.
�No. She has too much of it. And she isn�t able to control it.� And with that the Chosen Other left the hyperion.
@}->---
�How did you find me here?�
�If I was blind, I would see you.�
- Buffy and Angel in �Anne�
@}->---
Faith hadn�t shown up again after that day. That was four days ago. I don�t know if Buffy really was at Faith�s place. I couldn�t care less.
At least, so I told myself.
Truth was, I was dying to see her.
I patrolled through downtown L.A. to keep my mind in place. I�d done a good job, by now. I�d rescued a girl by staking the vampire that was biting her, I killed an Alberi-Demon, brought a little boy, who�d lost his way, home .
I was about to hunt down every evil thing that was there and help every hopeless I could find to get my mind off her.
So I strolled into an alley and went to a woman, sitting on the floor, her chin resting on her knees and she was crying.
�Is there a problem, ma�am?� And pain shot through my body when I remembered where I said this before.
And the woman�s head shot up and my eyes met beautiful hazel-ones.
Why didn�t I realise it was her when I�d been standing right infront of her? Why didn�t I know it was her all along? Why didn�t I sense her miles away? Why didn�t I know she died the exact moment it happened?
Her fingernails and lips were coloured blood-red and she had dark eye-make up. She wore tight leather pants, a dark velvet shirt and a matching deep, deep, black coat that reached her knees.
She looked simply magnificent. But completely sad and worn out. Never in her life she looked younger to me. She seemed helpless. The mighty Buffy Summers was scared and helpless.
�A-Angel� She stammered embarrassed and quickly wiped her tears away.
I took her hand in mine and pulled her to her feet.
Her hand remained in mine and I looked down at her hand. I jerked the arm-slave of her coat up and she tried to get free.
Directly on the vain at her wrist were long cuts.
�Why?� Was all I could say. What the hell happened to her in her afterlife that made her try to kill herself?
She pulled her arm away and lowered the slave back down. Her tear-filled eyes were staring into space. �That�s none of your business.�
I lifted her chin up, so that I looked into her eyes. The smile of the former sparkling hazel-orbs had vanished, replaced only by sadness.
�Why are you crying?� I asked gently.
�You aren�t supposed to know.� She whispered brokenly.
�Try me.� I stroked her cheek.
�I can�t.�
One single tear rolled down her cheek and was caught by my thump.
�You don�t know what it�s like.� She sobbed, trying to turn away.
�All I know is that the woman I love is crying in an alley of the most dangerous part of Los Angeles.� I replied and a little moment I thought I�d seen a glimmer of hope in her eyes.
�I can take care of myself.� She said and stepped a step back.
�I don�t think so.� I whispered and her head shot up once again and she only stared at me.
�I�m not stupid, Buffy. If a vampire would attack you now, you�d let him kill you.� Angel stated.
She stared into my eyes. �It would be over, then.� She simply breathed.
�What would be over?�
She didn�t answer me to that one, just continued to stare into my eyes.
�Aren�t you supposed to be with Faith?� I asked after a while.
�I�- She- � We�I don�t know where she is.� She stammered.
�Do you have a key to her place?� I asked.
�No.�
I breathed in deeply, although I don�t even need to breath. �Would you want to come to my place?� I found myself asking her.
�I-I don�t know.� She said with wide teary eyes and I led her out of the alley to my car.
So much to keeping my mind off her.
@}->---
�I guess. But what if I can�t? I�ve seen too much. I know what goes bump in the night. Not being able to fight it� What if I just hide under my bed, all scared and helpless? Or what if I just become pathetic? Hanging out at the old- Slayer�s home, talking people�s ears off about my glory days. Showing them Mr. Pointy, the stake I had bronzed.�
�Buffy, you could never be helpless or boring, not even if you tried.�
- Buffy and Angel in �Helpless�
@}->---
What the hell am I doing here? I�m standing in the corner of my apartment, not able to move and staring at the love of my life. She�s sitting on my bed, staring into space and freezing, but there�s nothing I could do about it.
She�s slung her coat around herself. So she didn�t need my jacket and the room itself was already warm.
I could think about nothing but crushing her into my arms and warming her with my own body. But what would that use? I�m colder than her. I am not able to warm her up.
She looks so lost.
I�ve never seen her like this before. It�s worse than even the time that I haunted her as Angelus. I wanted to make her pain go away. I wanted to make a snip with my fingers and make her smile return.
But I�m also still angry with her.
Why am I angry?
Why does such a pure soul deserve so much pain? She lost her whole past when she became the slayer. Was haunted by her cold-blooded lover and betrayed by her ex-boyfriend. She lost her mother and died. And all this for this sorry world. Why couldn�t the Powers let her be, already? Hadn�t she suffered enough?
I wasn�t able to stay there any longer, so I left the room wordlessly and walked down the stairs towards the counter where Cordelia and Wesley still sat.
�How is she?� Cordy asked concerned.
�I have absolutely no idea.� Was all I could answer. And it was true. How can you say in which state one was, when the person refused to do so much as blink, when you already know she�s miserable?
But no, now wasn�t Broodtime. I needed to find Faith. How could she even consider leaving Buffy alone when she was like this? I thought Faith of all people should know what people, who are loosing their mind, are able to when they are left alone.
And said person ran breathlessly into the Hyperion. �Where is she? She here? Have you guys heard something from her?� She yelled desperate.
�She�s here.� I simply answered, trying to desperately not to yell at her for loosing Buffy.
�I-I was at the police station, giving my monthly report a-and when I returned to my apartment she was gone. She promised me to stay there.� Faith whispered sadly.
�She�s like a zombie.� Cordelia remarked with absolutely no emotion in her voice. She wasn�t able to do anything other. If she would she�d brake down and cry for her more or less friend. So they weren�t close, but she cared for the Slayer all the same. Nobody deserved something like this. Especially not her. Buffy was the most loving and giving person she ever met. Even if she�d never admit this. Just thinking that Angel, Gunn or Wesley could end up like this�
�I know� Faith whispered back.
�One should try talking to her!� Cordy yelped.
�Believe me, I tried. God, I tried everything! She won�t spill. She always says �You aren�t supposed to know�. All she told me I already told you. Spike is the only one she, at least, talked to a little bit, �cuz he also experienced something like an after life, even if only for a few minutes or so. She wants to go back there. She only wants to be at peace.� Faith shouted at the May-Queen.
�Then try, again!� Cordy shouted back. �And again, and again. It�s no use for her if she eats it up inside herself! If there�s nobody that can understand her she�ll try to kill herself all over again!�
�Well, if you�re so for the talking, why don�t *you* try it? I�m sure she�ll tell you everything!� Faith screamed sarcastically.
�STOP IT!� I shouted at the two enraged women and plopped down on a chair, burying my face in my hands. �Stop it.�
�I think Fred should try talking to her.� Wesley suggested. �I mean- Fred spend five years in an alternate dimension as a slave. She knows how it is to find things out you never thought possible. I think she would understand Buffy.�
I stood up and walked up the stairs to the one room which walls were bescribbled like there was no end. Maybe Fred was the solution.
*~*~*
Two hours later Fred returned to the lobby. Tears flowing down her cheeks.
�What did she say?� Cordy asked bewildered.
�You aren�t supposed to know.� Faith simply answered and walked back upstairs into her room.
What happened to my sweet Buffy?--
So I returned to my bedroom, expecting her to still sit on the bed, not moving a muscle.
But she was already gone.
@}->---
�You wanted to be like her.�
�I wanted to *be* her. My parents were fighting all the time, and skating was an escape. I felt safe.�
- Buffy and Angel in �What�s my line, part 1�
@}->---
I was panicking.
Only a few moments before, I was still mad at Faith for loosing the Slayer. For leaving her on her own and letting her escape.
And now I�d done exactly the same.
Fred and Wesley were looking for her at the beach while Faith tried her luck at Caritas and Cordy and Gunn were looking up the place around her childhood home.
So there I was, searching for a grown woman at 2am in L.A. downtown.
And if this wouldn�t work, Faith advised me to look up all the skyscrapers, bridges or other high buildings, that a slayer would die if she jumped down from it�
I have no idea what I would do if I found her lying dead in some alley.
Would I have to live through all this again?
I�d die for seeing this mind-blowing, beautiful, powerful, sexy, clever woman again. Returning her smile that let the world around her flow away like she was the only thing existing in the whole universe. Hearing her wonderful voice and her jokes that brought a grin to one�s face even in the most dangerous situations. Feeling her skin, that was so soft and smooth and always so warm. Smelling her scent. She always smelled like vanilla and honey-suckle. And this smell never went away, even when she was covered in blood, dirt, dust or water. Tasting her lips one more time, these full, pink, soft lips of her�s which�s taste was uniquely Buffy. I could have kissed a thousand lips, which I did, but her�s would always be the only I would be able to recognise in a heartbeat.
And if I was blind I would see her.
I certainly haven�t let her into my life again, only to let her go one more time.
I finally found her, but in the last situation I would have expected her to be in.
A Dance Studio!
She was dancing among all the others. Very sexy, very professional. And this little moment, her shining smile returned to her lips and her eyes were sparkling anew.
All I could do was stand infront of that window and stare at the most amazing woman walking on this earth.
I wasn�t able to take my eyes off her.
I *so* hoped her smile had returned for good, but when she exited the building and walked towards me, her eyes were empty again.
And she was freezing.
I laid my arm around her shoulders and rubbed her skin, hoping to get her at least a little warmer. �Do you want a bath?� I whispered and I could clearly see the relief in her eyes that I hadn�t asked anything other.
I felt her nodding slowly and leaning into my embrace.
She looked like a frightened little girl, begging to be protected.
In exact this moment all my anger towards her flew away.
I understood.
She hadn�t refused to tell me herself, because I wasn�t important enough to her, but because she had been too afraid to be denied. All she wanted was protection. So that, for once, she wasn�t the one whose shoulders carried the weight of the world.
And who was I to deny her?
So I pulled her closer to me and lead her all the way back to the Hyperion hotel.
The one place she�d be staying for the next couple of days.
*~*~*
�How is she?� Faith asked when I returned to the lobby.
�Having a bubble bath and not saying one word.�
Suddenly a scream bellowed through the building and Cordy fell to the ground next to me, bellowing in pain and it was so sudden I had to keep from screaming right along. It�s iritating. In a way.
Wesley rushed to her desk to get her tablets while I held the screaming girl.
She shot her eyes open. �Oh God, GET HER OUT OF THAT TUB!� Cordelia shouted.
My vision blurred and I feared the worst when I ran back up the stairs and to the bathroom I had left her in.
And there she lay. With her head under the water.
@}->---
�Sometimes the truth is worse. You live long enough, you find that out.�
�I can take it. I can take the truth.�
- Buffy and Angel in �Lie to me�
@}->---
She was awake. Her eyes were open. I tried to pull her out of the water, but she pushed herself down with a strength I�d never seen in her. A strength that wasn�t human. A strength that wasn�t normal at all, not even for the Slayer.
Her eyes met mine and it was like she was waking up at once. As if she only now realised what she was doing. She let herself drift up and coughed out all the water she�d swallowed.
And she looked into my eyes.
Only now I realised I�d been crying. �What the hell makes you do that?� I shouted at her, although I didn�t even want to.
She looked away and stepped out of the tub, not in the slightest way embarrassed to be naked infront of me, and walked towards the door. Slipping on my rope.
Faith and Cordelia were already standing in the living-room. Letting out a breath of relief once they�d seen her.
�Why are you doing this to me, Buffy? Why are you doing this to yourself?� I yelled after her. �What is this? What�s so bad that you aren�t able to deal with it?� I shouted.
Buffy turned around to face me, crying eyes staring into mine.
�Angel, do you know what I am? Do you know what the slayer really is? Do you know what happens after? Have you any idea what made Faith loosing control? What made me drink Dracula�s blood?� Buffy yelled, tears flowing down her cheeks in streams. �No you haven�t. You couldn�t know. You could never know. You have no idea what I am. What I always used to be.�
Buffy sobbed hard. �The Slayer,� She spit sarcastically. �Do you know why the first has no body? *I*, the Slayer, am the first�s body. And all that keeps it from taking control is the little bit of a soul I have left, now.�
�You don�t know what this body is able to. I�m *so* near of loosing it, Angel. I have no idea how to prevent it from happening. How do you claim your soul to your body when you perfectly know how to loose it? I know it all. And the worst is that I *want* it to end.�
�I have it�s strength, now. I am able to make the world explode with a snip of my fingers. What�s when I dream about doing it? What�s when I make the world explode?�
I only stared at her. How could I possibly answer to that? I can�t stand seeing her like this.
�And I am not even allowed to die the wrong way, �cuz when I do my soul leaves the body completely and it can take over, then.� Buffy cried. �Angel, I *need* to prevent that from happening. If I don�t kill myself, somebody else will. Again. I�m the slayer! I�m supposed to protect the world from the forces of darkness even if that means to sacrisfy myself. Even if I am the darkness. I mustn�t die the wrong way, or if I do it�ll happen. Again.� She whispered with wide, teary eyes and my heart silently broke anew.
�You haven�t seen it.� She continued and Cordelia and Faith couldn�t do anything other but cry all along. �It�s horrible. And it wasn�t any other body that lost but mine. I made the world explode. It�s a miracle the universe was able to resurrect itself. I am the oldest soul living on this earth. I am responsible for all the messes here. I am the only soul surviving the last Armageddon. I should have prevented it from repeating itself. I am the only one who could have had the might to prevent it and I failed.�
�How- How do you know it was you?� Cordelia whispered.
Buffy gave a short sarcastic laughter. �One thing of being dead: you remember your past lives. You remember everything.�
That was it. She collapsed sobbing to the ground and I was barely fast enough to catch her. How could all this be true? She�s the strongest person I ever met. When she was on the edge of loosing control, who could be possibly able to survive this life?
So I just held her. Rocking her like a baby and whispering soothing nothings into her ear and kissing her head.
And she cried herself asleep.
@}->---
�Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly! I want to take comfort in you, and I know it�ll cost me my soul and a part of me doesn�t care. Look, I�m weak. I�ve never been anything else. It�s not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It�s the man.�
�You�re weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it�s because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it.�
- Buffy and Angel in �Amends�
@}->---
I woke up with Buffy cradled in my arms and for a short moment I thought it was a dream, because letting sink in the fact of her being alive again, was as difficult as accepting her death.
If I hadn�t known what state she was in I would have purred. Really purred.
Then she woke up. She opened her eyes and it seemed that she had no idea where she was. I took a deep breath when her beautiful eyes met mine.
Those eyes that made me forget everything around her.
She snuggled deeper into my embrace and laid her head back onto my chest and placed her arm around my torso.
I couldn't do anything but shudder. We were in the exact same position we were on the day that wasn't when she told me she'd never felt like that before. Did she remember?
Hadn't she said something like 'You remember everything after you die`? What had she meant?
"This is nice." She whispered and pulled me out of my thoughts. "Moments like this remind me that there's something worth living for." She said. "That there's a chance that in the end everything could get better. That I could have a life that's better. A life that's perfect."
Was there anything left of my heart that could break any more?
"I like this." She murmured sleepy.
Everytime I held her in the past she kept herself at distance. She was afraid to let go of herself. She was afraid we wouldn't be able to control ourselves. She was afraid of the curse. But now it seemed she'd forgotten about it completely.
"Where did you go?" I asked her and I knew she'd understand what I meant.
"You know the place." Was all she said which led me back to brooding mode.
Could the powers be this cruel? "Hell?"
"Yes"
"How long?" I prayed She'd say �ten minutes`. But I wasn't this lucky.
"The first 147 years." She whispered with closed eyes and I had to blink away a tear. Why had this girl to suffer this kind of torture? She had died for the world saving her beloved sister. Wasn't that enough? Hadn't she earned a place in heaven, already? Was there a heaven at all, when even an angel like her was denied a place in paradise?
She kissed the back of my hand that was lying on my stomach. "Thanks for comforting me." She whispered into my ear. "It helped a little."
Then she got up and walked out of the room before I had the chance to say: "I didn't do anything" So I only talked to the door she'd closed behind her.
*~*~*
"Why do you own a place this big? Is it for purpose? �Cuz I thought you didn't even know as much people as the number of rooms you have here�How come you have a soul and other vampires don't?" Fred babbled.
So, truth be told, I hadn't really listened to her. Only the last part caught my attention. "It's a curse. From gypsies. Other vampires don't have a soul, because it leaves the body completely once the demon takes control over the person." I explained matter of factly.
"No" Came Buffy's small voice from the doorway.
"Huh?"
"Not completely. You know- the saying's true: Your eyes are the windows to your soul. Without it the body would change. The colour of the eyes, a trademark smile, and so on. If the demon hadn't a bit of the soul left, then all there'd be would be the face of the demon. The people wouldn't be able to recognise their loved ones in the newly turned vampires. A bit remains- Even if it's only the part that made the colour of the eyes or the trademark smile." She said. She was talking to Fred but I think her words were made for my ears and mine alone.
Fred seemed to have the same thought, because she just nodded, smiled at Buffy and left the room with the note pad in her hands, scribbling something down.
"Who told you that?" I asked her.
"Kendra"
"Kendra was in hell?"
"Hell was not the only place I've been. I've seen a lot. Darker and lighter stuff." She said with a shrug of her shoulders.
"So you really want me to believe that even Angelus has a little bit of my soul?" I asked her.
"Angel, if he hadn't, the gypsies wouldn't have been able to curse you. They had had to know a bit of it to find it. If he hadn't, then your soul would just be one of all the others floating around that they'd caught for you." Buffy said.
"And who says that they hadn't?"
"Because Willow cursed you a second time and you got the same soul back. The one that was there before. Yours. The one the gypsies had found." She explained to me. And it made sense.
"And God knows, I thank them for it. Even if they created that stupid loophole. That brought me you all the same." She walked towards me and stroked my cheek and I felt my unbeating heart warm up. "By the way: Jenny says hello."
In every other situation the computer teacher's name would have made me flinch. But not now. Buffy had said that so warmly, so lovingly, that I knew it was true. That Jenny Calender was somewhere save and well.
But where was save and well?
"Where have you been, Buffy?"
"You really wanna know?" She whispered.
"Yes"
"First 147 years hell dimension. That's not that long. The powers found me as soon as they could and my journey begun. I learned. What I am. After that I knew I would have needed to worry about what I am when I was alive, but as I was dead it didn't matter that much. I got to go to a place that was save, warm and felt so good. Mom wasn't there but I think if I'd needed her I could have found her. Then I got back with the knowledge that I am the biggest danger to the world as long as I am alive."
She turned around immediately and left the room in a hurry, coughing.
She had coughed blood, that I knew.
I can smell the blood in her lungs.
@}->---
"You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just have to figure out a way��
"I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention."
"Buffy, if the master rises..."
"I don't care! I don't care. Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't want to die."
- Angel, Giles and Buffy in 'Prophecy Girl`
@}->---
I woke up with a start when I heard Buffy's scream tore through the Hyperion. I ran as fast as I could and found her sitting in the corner of the room. Shaking, staring, sobbing.
She must have had a nightmare. Or one of her prophecy dreams.
"Buffy, what is it? What did you see?" I asked, kneeling down infront of her shaking form.
She didn't answer me, she only pressed herself tighter to the wall, as if she wanted to disappear into it and never come out again.
"Love, talk to me. Please, what are you afraid of?" I pleaded with her, but I think she didn't even notice I was there at all.
She thought she was alone.
It's like when you tell yourself over and over that you're not able to do something. So that then you�re *really* not able to do it.
I lifted her up and carried her to her bed, but she kept staring off into space. Like she saw something I couldn't see.
*~*~*
After one hour I had finally been able to calm her, to let her know she wasn't alone. I`d sat at her side until I'd been sure she was fast asleep and not haunted by nightmares.
I walked into the lobby, because I knew that tonight, sleep wouldn't come to me anyway.
I had thought she had made it. Only a few hours before she seemed so full of life again. She seemed this strong, this okay with her destiny and duty like she had before her death. And now?
Now she didn't talk, again.
"Hope it's nice where you are!" Gunn joked.
I can't believe I hadn't noticed him. He was standing right infront of me!
"Gunn, how was San Francisco?" I asked the younger man. Gunn had been on a lone mission in San Fran., hunting down the vampire that had killed his sister. He had refused to let anyone go with him, he wanted to do that on his own.
I understood that. I would have done the same.
"You know that there's the most gorgeous hottie in the world sleeping upstairs, don't ya? And I don't mean Fred." Gunn smirked.
How long had he been here, again?
"Yes" I simply answered. She WAS the most gorgeous hottie in the world, that I can't deny.
"So tell, who's the girl? By the way, good you have eyes again! After the whole thing with your ex. Don't misunderstand me here, I'm sorry she's dead, but you need to move on sometime. So, who's the girl? New client?" Gunn asked.
�Buffy"
"No, man. I mean the sleeping beauty."
"Buffy! Willow resurrected her." I explained.
Gunn did a double take at that and I think he might have actually been a little embarrassed about his former comments. I nearly felt the urge to smile. Almost."Wow. God praise the witches, I'd say, huh?" Gun shook his head. "Well, I can see your point, now. One can't do anything other but fall head over heels for her. She's beautiful!"
"Yes, she is." Was all I could possibly reply.
@}->---
"This isn't some fairy tale, when I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after."
"No. When you kiss me, I want to die."
- Buffy and Angel in 'Reptile Boy`
@}->---
"Morning, Angel" Buffy greeted me when I was on my way to the lobby and looked after her when she walked up the stairs.
"Woah, that one's like...no, better than...GOD, she's amazing!" Gunn mumbled. Obviously he and Buffy had spend quite a time, here. So much I got. But what kind of time?
"Just keep your hands off of her, she's mine!" I advised him.
"No need to worry, man. Even if I wanted, I'd never have the chance to get between the two of you!" Gunn remarked and left the room as well.
That was when Buffy returned.
She sat down next to me and laid her head onto my shoulder. I rested my head on her's and placed my arm around her waist.
"How do you feel?" I whispered into her hair. I don't know why, but always when I'm with her I feel the need to whisper.
Like entering a museum, where everything is too precious to touch, because it could break the moment you raise your voice.
"Better. Not good, but better." She answered in her equally small voice. "I love you, never stopped loving you. Never." She added sadly.
I felt like jumping up with joy, shouting to the whole wide world that Buffy Summers loved me. But that would break the silence. Hence the �raise your voice` factor.
"I love you, too. Always and forever." I whispered back instead.
And she kissed me, so sweetly, so very bittersweet and so full of desire.
I wanted her. But I knew I couldn't.
"Not dead, nor not of the living, spirits of the interregnum, I call. Let him know the pain of humanity, Gods- reach your wizened hands to me, Gods bind him, cast his heart from the demon, realm, return his, I call on, I call on you gods, do not ignore this supplication! Let the orb be the vessel to carry his soul to him! It is written, this power is my people's right to wield. Asa sa fie! Acum! Let it be so! Now!" Buffy whispered into my ear. "This is the spell Willow casted on you. Do you find just *one* line that tells of a loophole?"
I swallowed hard. No, I couldn't find one. "What? How�"
"Jenny told me that she'd changed the spell. No loophole."
Had these past three years been nothing but a waste of time? All this time we could have?
We could have avoided all the pain? We could have been together?
If I wanted I could just "jump her bones" right now?
And, god, I wanted.
But was it really fair to her? She was in a seriously complicated state.
Maybe it was just some temporal thing that made her think the wanted it, too.
Could I live with it, if she suddenly realised that she'd rather be with someone else? Could I?
Could I live with the fact that I could have had her, but didn't take the chance? Could I live with it, if I let her slip away from me?
Honestly: For the very first time of my life, I had absolutely no idea what to do. Not at all. Every other time I had at least a little time-filler plan, that was a terrible failure most of the time, but a plan all the same.
*~*~*
"GOD, where did you get that from? The thing's so deep!"
"I dunno, I woke up with it."
"B., are ya sleep-walking or something?" Faith was cleaning a large bloody wound on Buffy's forehead.
"Faith why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?" Buffy whispered.
But Faith only shrugged.
"You know what?" Faith smiled at her sister-slayer.
"What?"
"Even like this, I still envy you." Faith admitted sadly.
"Why?" Buffy wondered.
"Because you know who you are. Hell, you know who *I* am, and I don't. You're like one of those old, wise, good witches outta some fairy tale, or that queen outta the wizard of Oz, to whom they all travel to, so that the lion gets a little braver and the girl can go home and so on. You're the all-knowing thing." Faith smiled. "I wish I could be like you, even now."
The dark-haired slayer took a deep breath. "I always envied you, because you had the perfect mom, perfect boyfriend, perfect watcher, perfect life. And now you haven't. And you're still so much of a better person than me, because you *want* to die for the world. And I hate you for that. But I also love you with all I am, because you show me that there's a way around. That even a slayer could be happy. You're the only one who ever wanted to be my friend and I pushed you away... B., I want your friendship back. I want to be a part of your life. I want to be a part of the life I so envy you for."
She dried the wound on Buffy's face and put the piece of cloth away. "You're like my sister. No, you ARE my sister. You're the only one who understands what it means to be like me."
"Can I be your sister, again?" Faith asked the blonde girl.
"Faith, you've never been anything else." She hugged the crying slayer. "But don't crave for the knowledge. It's not a good thing. Just wait. In the end it'll come to you all by itself."
@}->---
"You think you can fight me. I'm not a demon, little girl. I'm something you can't conceive. The First Evil. Beyond sin, beyond death... I am the thing the darkness fears. You will never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate--"
- The First Evil in the form of Jenny Calender in 'Amends'
@}->---
Do you really want to kill them?
Kill them?
Darkness
I killed my sister
Death is your gift
Fire
But if it did, then it means that you can hurt it
Willow brought me back
Does that mean I have to hurt her?
Hurt her?
Do you really want to kill them?
Kill them?
Hell
The First Evil has no body
I killed my sister
When you kiss me, I want to die
I want to die
Darkness
What is if I make the world explode?
Do you really want to kill them?
I want to feel save
I want to die
Fire
Explode?
I killed my sister
What if I dream about it?
Hell
Death is your gift
I want to die
Dream about it?
Darkness
Do you really want to kill them?
Buffy woke up with a start. These were the dreams she hated most. Those weren't Flashbacks of hell, heaven or past. Those were the ones she didn't know exactly how to interpret. Those were the ones that scared her most.
She didn't know what happened. She felt Angel cradle her body in his strong arms and rocking her, but she had no idea why.
Were those tears flowing down her cheeks?
Was he crying, too? What had she done that made him cry?
She had no idea, even when she already felt the blood all over her.
What happened to her body?
She was just sunken in those thoughts. Those thoughts that didn't let her rest.
Since there was evil, there was the slayer fighting the darkness and forces of hell.
But the slayer and the First Evil were like one and the same.
If there was no Slayer, would there be no first evil?
And if there was no First Evil, would there be any evil at all?
If there was no Slayer, would there be a need for her?
Flashback: Somewhere, Sometime, Afterlife.
It was a perfect idyllic paradise. The sky was clear and blue. The sun shining warm upon her. The grass was a perfect shade of green and she was sitting in a field of white and pink flowers.
Her feet were bare and she only wore a thin white sundress.
Next to Buffy sat an old woman, smiling friendly at her beloved granddaughter.
"What are you thinking, little one?" The old lady asked Buffy in a gentle voice.
"I miss them" Buffy smiled sadly.
"Have patience, my sweet child. Soon you will meet again."
"What if I could go home? Go back to them? What if I could get the chance?" Buffy wondered. It had been able before, hadn't it?
"You know what you are, little one. Would you really want to put them in that kind of danger?" Marie Summers told the Slayer.
"Do you really want to kill them?"
*~*~*
"This is amazing!" Wesley remarked.
"What?" Faith and Cordelia exclaimed unison.
"Buffy's bleeding dry with absolutely no reason and you think it's *amazing*?" Cordelia yelled.
"NO! I-I mean, this has never happened, before. I called Mr. Giles, he will arrive here as soon as possible. Indeed, it's the First trying to claim her body." Wesley explained.
"So, all we have to do is kill the thing?" Faith asked, suddenly filled with hope.
"That's impossible, I'm afraid. Because the First Evil has no form until it has claimed Buffy's body as his. Or her's or it's for that matter. To kill it, it has to have a body. And that would mean to kill Buffy, too." Wesley whispered.
"So, there's nothing we can do about it? We just can watch how B.`s getting killed?" Faith shouted.
"Yes. There's nothing we could possibly do." Wesley replied sadly. He needed to stay calm if no other did. Even if the whole situation affected him just as much. He could clearly see the pain in the second slayer's eyes.
"We can't fight it?" Cordelia asked.
"No, we can't. Only Buffy can." Wesley said.
@}->---
FLASHBACK: Somewhere, Sometime, Afterlife
It was raining. The sky was as dark as the deepest black she ever saw and the raindrops were drumming on the hard asphalt under her feet. She could clearly hear the cars driving on the wet ground somewhere near, but unbelievably far away at the same time.
The black slacks and red sweater were clinging to her skin. Her bare feet limb, because of the coldness. Her hair dripping wet.
She was standing infront of Angel's old apartment building. The bittersweet memories of her first time replaying themselves over and over in her mind.
"Is this true?" Buffy's small voice asked Jenny Calender.
"Yes" Jenny stroked the slayers hair, which looked like a deep brown, because of the mix of rain and darkness. "My people then, they took a normal traditional spell to make a soul return to it's owner and changed it. They believed that the moment he'd stop suffer of his crimes he wouldn't be worthy of a human soul, any longer. So they created the loophole. But the one I found was the orginal one. The spell, not the curse. His soul is his and will be to the moment he leaves the world of the mortals."
"We could have been happy?" Buffy sobbed.
"Yes" Ms. Calender drew Buffy into her arms, letting her cry for her lost love.
"I miss him so much." The blonde cried.
"Do you feel the strength inside of yourself?" Jenny whispered into her ear.
Buffy only nodded, she already knew what it was.
"Don't let it weaken you. Understand it. Use it. Prevent history from replaying itself. You can do it." With that her former teacher disappeared. Letting her alone in the place of her greatest nightmare and sweetest dream.
What had she meant? She was dead. She already prevented it, didn't she?
*~*~*
I can't describe how I felt when she finally opened her eyes.
The Scoobie Gang had arrived late last night and Willow and Tara had been able to stop the bleeding at last.
But Buffy had lost much blood and there had been the chance that she'd fallen into a coma.
We hadn't been able to tell, because we couldn't bring her to a hospital.
How could you possibly explain that to a doctor if she began bleeding anew? She hadn't even major cuts beside the one on her forehead. She was like bleeding right through her skin.
"Morning, sleepyhead." I whispered smiling to my petite blonde beauty.
"I missed you so much." She whispered back.
"How could you miss me? I was here all night long." I replied confused.
She only smiled and traced the line of my mouth with her fingers.
Then she got up. "You know- One could really become paranoid here! Every single time, I fall asleep in a spare room bed and wake up in yours!" She tried to joke, but it sounded rather sad.
I only stared after her when she left the room.
*~*~*
"The only way to help is to fight the priests. Then she would have a chance to get to the First, but it's highly dangerous. But as I said: We can only show her the door, she has to go through it on her own." Wesley said.
"What can those bloody priests do, anyway?" Spike huffed.
"Oh, they are rather interesting!" Giles squealed. "There are three of them � Bracius, Lucius and Melcheor. Melcheor- for example � can infect you with one of the seven deadly sins! You get the sin that you already have slightly inside of yourself and it gets multiplied a dozen times."
Gunn only watched him confused. "Which are the seven deadly sins, exactly? I didn't really pay attention when my mom dragged me to church!"
"Gluttony, Lust, Pride, Greed, Envy, Anger and Sloth." I stated, leafing through one of Giles` heavy books that were sprawled all over the table.
"Eeeew! You mean I like- touch that guy and get all lusty?" Cordy exclaimed.
"You wouldn't just get lusty, you'd jump every male in the radius of a hundred miles!" Willow commented.
"Besides, Cor, you wouldn't get Lust, you would get Gluttony and run buying everything you see!" Xander joked.
"Anya would get Lust!" Willow remarked grinning.
"Hey! I don't know what you mean, but that look says it's not nice!" Anya complained.
The Scoobie and AI Gang minus Buffy were sitting around a huge table researching, noses attached to the heavy and dusty volumes for quite a time now. There was no tell that there was anything to find in these texts, but it worth a try all the same. However, we HAD been successful, if only partially.
I could sense Buffy near, immediately. And I guess Spike did, too. His face lit up in a way I've never seen before on him, although he tried to hide it. He's never acted around Dru like this. I hadn't believed it when Willow told me, but now I could see it with my own eyes. Spike loves Buffy. I guess I have to live with that.
But I think that was the very same moment I decided to never ever let her alone with him, again.
Buffy entered the room and everyone fell silent, all laugher died and all eyes watched her.
"Ya know- it's not necessary to fell all silent when I come in. It's not a nice feeling to enter a room and everybody stops dead in their tracks as if they want to say: �Hey, what are YOU doing, here?" That feels kinda... unwelcome." Buffy shrugged and occupied a chair.
"I-I�m sorry, we, how do you feel?" Giles stammered. �I mean, we're sorry. We didn't mean to shut you out, we just want to- to-"
"Giles, it's okay! But ya know- I know what goes bump in the night, I know that there're demons and First Evils and Vampires and Ghouls and stuff. I'm the Slayer! You don't have to protect me from those things. C'mon, it's me! Buffy." The blonde smiled sadly.
"Besides, nobody's perfect!" Cordelia interrupted.
"Cool! Then I'm Nobody!" Gunn yelled smirking.
And Buffy laughed. A short tiny laughter and she couldn't stop herself from grinning afterwards. And I felt both, happiness and jealousy, at the same time. Happiness, because I was able to see her smile, again, and jealousy, because I hadn't been the one putting it there.
"So tell, what does the first do with my body?" Buffy asked her two former watchers.
"It's, well- a bleeding. If you die that way the soul leaves the body completely and the First can take control. That is as long as you're not sired." Giles explained to her and to my surprise she stayed totally calm. As if she already knew all that. Which she maybe did. "But the bleeding is not everything. It tried to weaken you, both physically and psychically. Damage you- outside and inside. Which also explains the pain in your lungs and the cut on your forehead that just won't heal."
"So I'm on the edge of loosing this?" Buffy asked calmly.
"Yes" Giles answered to the one girl that meant more than a daughter to him.
@}->---
"'For they are the Harbingers of death. Nothing shall grow above or below them. No seed shall flower.'"
- Giles in 'Amends'
@}->---
Do you really want to kill them?
Silence
Prevent history from replaying itself
Darkness
Use that strength
Use it
Silence
I already prevented it, didn't I?
Didn't I?
Darkness
Trust me?
Do you really want to kill them?
Blood
Eyes are the windows to the soul
Silence
Nothing can grow where they are
Darkness
Trust me?
Blood
Storm
Do you really want to kill them?
Anger
I killed my sister
Greed
If you want to save your kind, you have to die
Sloth
Prevent history from replaying itself
Gluttony
I already prevented it, didn't I?
Lust
Use that strength
Pride
I'm scared
Envy
Do you really want to kill them?
Silence
Trust me?
Darkness
Fire
Screams
Do you really want to kill them?
Darkness
I would miss you
Screams
Silence
Trust me?
Darkness
We can show her the door, but she has to go through it on her own
Screams
Trust me?
You have to prevent history from replaying itself
Silence
Trust me?
You're the only one that can.
"Nooooooo!" Buffy screamed and shot up out of the bed she was lying in, waking me in that process.
She was truly hyperventilating and clutching her hand to her stomach. I could clearly smell the blood coming from it.
And she cried.
I stood up and ripped the cloth of the tank top over her stomach apart, covering the wound with a piece of my own shirt and lifted her up in my arms, carrying her to the bathroom and cleaning her bloody skin, removing the blood.
She shot up her head and stared into my eyes. "Angel, you have to kill me!"
"What?" I yelped, starlet.
"Please, Angel you have to!"
"NO!"
"Angel, please! You could turn me." She pleaded with tears in her eyes.
I backed away from her, scared from the thought that I actually *wanted* to drink her blood and feel her drinking mine.
She followed me out of the room like a puppy, clutching her stomach. It seemed that she was scared of being alone.
She fell to the floor, because of the pain, tingling in her skin, groaning painfilled and I was at her side in a heartbeat. "Angel, look at me! I'm nothing but a wreck. Not more than a danger to this world. How am I possibly gonna be able to win this? If you kill me, it'll be over! The world would be perfect and everybody could live happily ever after. When I die, I can fight it, so that it dies with me. When there's no First Evil, There will be no Evil at all." The broken slayer sobbed in my arms.
"Baby, a world without you in it, could never be perfect." I whispered to her. �Have you any idea how we suffered without you? How broken the Scoobie Gang was without their leader? How broken Dawn was without the one person she could actually call family? You're like a mom to her. No, you ARE her Mom. She needs you. I need you."
"Buffy, I love you. Loosing you killed me inside. I can't even think about letting you go again, �cause if I did, I'd loose my mind."
"You want us to be happy? Without you we can't be happy." I told her and she looked up into my eyes. And suddenly her lips were touching mine.
Ever so sweet. So very sweet.
I was loosing myself in this amazing kiss and didn't even realise that she was unbuttoning my shirt that was half torn because half of it was now stained with her blood.
And honestly: I couldn't care less. I wanted her. All of her.
And I understood, when we made love for the second time, that she wanted the same.
*~*~*
"Oh, great!" Gunn remarked sarcastically.
Gunn, Xander, Wesley, Anya and Cordelia were standing in a dead end, infront of a stone-wall near Caritas.
"Wasn't here supposed to be that door?" Anya asked.
"Do you see *any* kind of door here, *sweetheart*?" Cordelia replied annoyed.
"Well, nobody said it was a *door*! It could be everything! It could be a hole!" Xander suggested hopefully.
"Here's *also* no hole!" Cordelia reminded him with a light slap on his forehead.
"Don't touch my fianc�!"
"As if" Cordelia snored.
"Ladies!" Gunn warned grinning.
"Hey! Maybe the walls are living! Or a robot, or something! Then it could open up whenever it wants to!" Xander exclaimed intusiastically.
"Welcome to Monkey World!" Cordy snapped.
"Actually, that could be possible!" Wesley stated.
"WHAT?" Cordy yelped.
"The First is older than everything else- older than Buffy's soul. From what Buffy told me, the old world, the one that exploded, was older than ours. They could, maybe, have already had AI." Wesley explained.
"Angel Investigations?" Cordelia asked confused.
"Artificial Intelligence"
"Oh"
"This has to do with that wall, because?" Gunn wondered aloud.
"Even I got that!" Anya replied. "We're searching for those priest guys, right? Those are working for the First. And the First could use that knowledge of the old world, because it was around at that time!" Anya told. "Hence: This could still be our door!"
"I mean, it *is* perfect!" Cordelia said. "All people who lived around here � in a form of a pentagram around *that* wall � got deadly ill! Nothing can grow where they are!"
*~*~*
This was perfect happiness. And I was finally allowed to have it.
The feeling of Buffy's chest moving up and down with her breathing on top of me, sleeping peacefully � and naked � was simply incredible.
And I wanted to stay just like this forever.
But Of course I was denied it. I was meant to search for the priests in only a few minutes.
I rolled Buffy's precious body onto the other side of my bed and got up dressing.
"Where are you going?" Buffy asked half- asleep.
"Out"
"NO!" She was wide awake now. "Stay, please! Don't let me alone." She pleaded.
I kneeled, now dressed, beside the bed and kissed her forehead. "I'll be back."
"Angel, you have no idea what the first is able to! When you go after the priests, it'll find you!" My Buffy whispered with tears in her beautiful hazel-eyes.
"I'm not alone. We parted and are searching for the in smaller groups. Nothing's gonna happen." I promised her.
"Who says that? You could never return to me, again. O-or if you did, who says that I'd still be me?" Buffy cried.
"Nothing's gonna happen, I promise" I kissed her tears away. "Trust me?"
Trust me?
"Yes"
@}->---
�'Cause it's always got to be blood.�
�We're not actually discussing dinner right now.�
�Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. Course it's her blood.�
- Spike and Xander in �the Gift�
@}->---
�C�mon, you�ve GOT to be kidding!� Gunn exclaimed, standing in front of the entrance to the Hyperion. �We just got home from a very TIME-WASTING adventure, so why don�t ya leave us alone? We have no desire to kick your ass right now!� The black told the thing he asumesd �DEMON!�
But the priest without eyes just smiled, touching him lightly on the arm and disapearing.
*~*~*
FLASHBACK: Somewhere, Sometime, Afterlife:
�Do you know who this is?� Kendra asked her, standing in the shirt Buffy gave her so long ago in the middle of a little cinema what she assumed was a little town in France. But the people passing them didn�t see them, and she didn�t even feel it when they walked right through her.
�Yes.� Buffy answered truthfully, watching the blonde man rummaging through his bag for his purse.
�So?� Kendra asked expectantly. �Who is it?�
�Michael. He was my brother.� Buffy whispered ever so softly, her eyes never leaving him moving around the place.
�When?� Kendra wanted to know, although Buffy was sure she already knew.
�1465.� Buffy said. �He looked different. He had brown hair. And he was smaller. His nose was bigger. He was smarter.�
�If he looks so different, why did you recognise him so soon?� Kendra pushed.
�His soul.� Buffy mumbled, ever so quietly. She hadn�t raised her voice for what seemed like an eternity.
Turning into the different direction and pushing Buffy onto the street they stood in front a coffee shop. Pointing at a black woman behind the counter Kendra turned to Buffy again. �And this?�
�My mother.� Buffy said.
�When?�
�345 BC� Buffy swallowed. �Greek.�
�And how do you know?� Kendra asked her, smiling, and suddenly her surroundings vanished, turning into the pure, white light again, that never changed.
�Her soul.� Buffy said, again.
�The boy you saw. His name�s Julien Paverc�, he�s 34 and a doctor. He�s not related to you and you never met him. The woman�s Annette Brown, she�s 18. You never met those people, yet you knew who they were all from the start. How do you explain this to yourself. �Kendra asked her, staring into her eyes.
�I don�t know.� Buffy said, sadly. Confused.
�What am I thinking right now.� Kendra asked her, still smiling.
�You wish I�d given you the red shirt. It�s warmer.� Buffy said and her eyes widened, while Kendra only smirked at her.
*~*~*
Stumbling through a blinding white light, I looked around confused. Only seconds ago I�d been fighting in an alley along with Spike, a few demon�s who might have information for us. However, I was knocked down. Hard, it seemed.
�Where am I?� I said, blinking the shadows clouding my eyes away.
�Somewhere, sometime, who knows?� A much too dead male Oracle answered him.
�You�re dead.� I growled. �You�re not real. What kind of trick is this?!�
�What seems dead does not have to necessarily BE dead. And what is dead does not have to stay that way.� The female answered. �As a vampire, you should know this.�
Looking around again, somehow a little lost, I tried to find my voice. �Why am I here? What is happening?�
�We�re to tell you that it has begun.� The male answered.
�What has begun?� God, this was so twisted.
�The End of Days.� The female shrugged carelessly.
Okay, that got me shocked, I have to say. I always expected them to be a little more.... announcefuller? I always assumed it�d be a big war, and I �d know it when they came.
�This may be difficult to understand, lower being, but the end of days is here. Fought by one warrior. In less than a human�s day. You�re to be at her site. You�re the only one holding her.� The male said.
�Take care.� The female added and before I could blink again, I woke up.
*~*~*
TBC......