You Are Not Alone

Disclaimer: All Joss�s.
Notes: Part 4 in the Emotion Series. The song�s �You Are Not Alone� by Michael Jackson.
#2 Note: I�m German, so there might be horrible, stupid mistakes everywhere!!!!!!
Summary: Angel�s POV to �Standing At The Edge Of The Earth�
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Dedication: To all my feedbackers! :o) You are: Smurfette, Nina, Samantha, Ryan, Cat, Skylar, Jenn, KathryN, Karin, Nicky, Sofia, Deb and sorry if I forgot anyone: imagine yourself dedicated to!!!!
Angel�s POV

*~*~*

//Another
day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold\\

I tried to leave it all in. I tried to not show what I felt when you yelled at me, telling me you hated me.

And I think I succeeded, because you thought I hadn�t paid attention, that I didn�t listen to you. Or didn�t care.

And it hurt you oh so much.

I have no idea what could make you think I didn�t care about you. I do. And I�m so sorry for the things I hurt you with in the past.

I had sworn myself to never hurt you again, but I failed. You are standing in front of me, screaming at me, kicking me, crying. And I did it again. I hurt you.

And I�m just so sorry.

I want to comfort you, help you like you once helped me. I want to save you.

But you don�t let me. Instead you run, flee, sprint away. And I know I have to try harder.

//Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay\\

And I back you up against the wall of the sun cinema, the building where I had been so tempted to touch you the last time. Just screw the world, I�d wanted you.

It�s been the same feeling I feel now. And I know I shouldn�t because you�re crying so hard my shirt is already soaked, although I�m holding you for not more than half a minute.

I�ve never seen you cry like this. Never. I don�t know if I ever made you cry like this, before. But I do know, that I don�t want to know.

I can�t stand seeing you in such pain, and knowing I was the one causing it.... it�s... it hurts just indescribable much.

I once told myself I didn�t love you.That I never did. Because I wanted to find a reason why I did the things to you I did. But I�m not hurting you because I hate you. I hurt you because I love you so much.

You always hurt the ones you love.

I don�t know why I ever forgot that.

I don�t want to hurt you. But I just can�t help it. I hurt you, always. I can�t do anything about it.

And before I realise it, I�m nearly crying as hard as you. And I can�t help it either.

The tears just come. And I *know* I never cried like this. I never felt this kind of pain, knowing I�ve caused you even more. Not even when I regained my soul, knowing I�ve killed my own sister, my father, and all those thousands of others, not even then have I felt like this.

It feels like I can�t breath. Although I don�t even need to.

//You are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
You are not alone\\

And although it hurts so much. I don�t ever want to trade this moment. I�ve never showed my feeling like this. Not even to you. I never was allowed to. And in a way it�s comforting to just cry the pain away, in your arms.

God, I miss you so much.

But I�m not allowed to show you again, because someone�s pulling me away from you and I just can�t find the strength to fight it. Make it go away and fall into your arms again. I�m not than strong.

And I know I hate Cordelia for this. She let you stand there in your pain. She didn�t even ask you if you�re going to be okay on your own. She just shoved me away.

And I realise, that even Cordy�s just a girl. Although I stopped caring about her like a lover long ago, I always saw her as something better. Higher. ... Holy.

But she isn�t. She makes mistakes, like all of us. She left you there in your pain. Just like I did.

But I don�t know if I can be mad at Cordelia for long. Or even let her know what she did, because she�s still my best friend.

//All alone
Why, oh\\

I search for you the following night. But I just can�t seem to find you, and I wonder what happened that made me stop caring so much that I didn�t even bother to find out where you moved to.

I wonder what made me scare you away like this, that you didn�t bother to let me know where you lived.

You�re nowhere to be found... again. Nowhere. Not even at work, although you�re supposed to work today like I found out at the Double Meat Place.

Your boss gave me the lecture when I asked for you. Said when I found you I was to tell you to better show up in less than an hour or you�re fired.

It�s been two hours since I spoke to him.

And I search through my duffel bag in order to find your little stuffed pink pig.

Maybe he�s able to find you.

//Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
So forever can begin\\

God, I want you to take me back into your arms. I want to ease your pain. Want to chase the loneliness away.

I want to be your happiness.

I want it to be forever. For real, this time. I want you.

But first I need to find you.

But dawn�s approaching and the stuffed animal in my hands makes my hands sweat and I�m just so tired of thinking about the things I did wrong in my life. Things I could have easily avoided if I�d just stayed with you.

I want to talk myself into the fact that you never were alone. That I was always there with you. But it�s not like that.

I left you alone. I didn�t look back. I wish I had.

And I left you alone again, I left you standing at the sun cinema, crying, being stared at by all those people passing by. People you saved so often, but they never thanked you. They don�t even try helping you when you�re all alone, crying, standing in the middle of downtown.

//Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Then something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay\\

So I went back to the Mansion, where Cordelia and I are staying, and she walked in carelessly, asking me if I�d found the �chick�.

And I want to rip her head off for that comment, because she should know how I feel about you. And she should know what you mean to me.

But she doesn�t. And she honestly expects an answer for that one. And I just press my lips together and leave the room, stripping off my shirt and kicking the door to my old bedroom closed behind me, throwing Mr. Gordo onto the bed where thick layers of dust are lying like a blanket.

You haven�t been here for long.

The last time I stayed in Sunnydale for a longer amount of time, when your mom had died, the place had been kept so well I was sure you�d been staying there ever so often. Because your scent had lingered everywhere.

But now it�s just an empty place. A little scary. Old. Dark.

It looks like nobody�s been here for over a decade, nearly like one of those haunted ghost-houses.

//For you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
And you are not alone\\

So I waited for the night to come, blocking out every sound Cordelia made, even when it drove me crazy.

She broke the frame of the picture that hung in the kitchen. The one that showed us smiling.

You�d been sitting on my lap and grinning into the camera.

Willow had taken the picture shortly before Prom. When I broke your heart.

And I felt a lump rise in my throat when I saw the pieces of broken glass on the floor, framing the only reminder of the happy times I had with you.

When I tried to rescue the photo I cut myself on a sharp edge of the transparent material, and the smell of the blood on my hands was already flying to my nostrils when I licked the red liquid off my fingers, dropping a little bit of it on the picture.

I�d frozen then, taking the photo and holding it under the spray of water. But that had destroyed it completely.

Without a word I�ve thrown the glass into the garbage can, and left the broken picture on the counter.

I know Cordelia�s worried about me but I don�t care.

Seeing this one little photography being destroyed was almost like seeing our own relationship break. And the metaphor hurt so painfully much I nearly choked on the sob that rose inside myself.

I need to find you.

//Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there\\

I went back to the Double Meat Palace as soon as the sun had set and try to find at least one who knew where you lived, but most of them don�t even know your name.

How can they not notice you? You�re by far the most beautiful woman who ever walked the earth and so witty and funny.

You�re always smiling in my memory, but I guess this has changed.

I want to see you smile again. But for that I have to find you first.

And finally, there�s someone who can help me. A girl whose name-tag identifies her as a �Sofia�. She tells me where you stay and I�m shocked.

You always were the upper-class, although your family wasn�t that rich.

And now you�re staying at the part of town you never even wanted to patrol in. In a whole. Not far away from the Sunnydale Motor Inn.

//You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart\\

And sure enough, there you�re sitting. Right in front of the house Sofia told me you�re living, sitting on a bench so white it hurts my eyes. As if you�d been waiting there for me.

But your eyes are as sad as I last saw them and the tear-strains are still visible.

You�re so beautiful I want to weep.

And you�re kissing me and for the first time in a long while I begin to hope.

//For you are not alone\\

The End

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