Flinch

Disclaimer: Joss is god, Joss is King, Joss our Lord owns everything. Unfortunately. Blech. You know, I�m really pissed at him, right about now... �-�
Notes: I�m German and this is unbeta-ed so there can be HUGE mistakes! Tell me, it�s the only way for me to learn... Aaaaaand, it�s my second Song-Fic! Be proud at me! *^_^*
#2 Note: The song �Flinch� is by Alanis Morissette. It�s awesome! Go to Morpheus and download it!
Summary: Song-Fic, Angst. Buffy�s afraid of seeing Angel ever again.
Rated: R
Feedback: PLEASE!!!!!!! I live for it! If I don�t get enough I might die of a sudden disease caused by the lack of feedback. Well, then I�d be dead and I wouldn�t be able to write anything anymore. Cuz� I�d be rotting in my grave all alone with nobody to talk to but all those worms that are staying with me down there six feet under.... soooooo! SAVE ME!!!!!!
Dedication: This is for all the wonderful people that gave me feedback for Again. You are: Sharon, Deb, Heather, Nicky, Samantha, Karin, Nina, Sara-Lee, pretty h. Thank you all so much, guys! You�re the best!!
Buffy's POV

*~*~*

//What's it been over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so\\

I�m not thinking about you very much these days. Mostly, that is. And It hurts just every time I do all over again.

God, Angel. It hurts so very much to think about you. It hurts so much to remember the only *real* relationship I ever had, that ever meant anything to me, something so very precious to me. And then think how this never even meant anything to you.

You�ve changed. So much. But I still love you. Hell, I even loved you when you were him! No, it even made my love for you only more powerful. It seems the more I get to know about you, the more I am drawn to you.

I think I would still love you if you�d storm into my life that was nearly non-existent when everything else had already crumbled down on me and I came to you for help, and you would shut me out. But then again, you did just that.

And you only screamed at me to get the hell out. To leave you alone and never even *dare* to come back ever again.

You were so mad at me. And I just didn�t know WHY! So I simply stood there, the dried tears on my cheeks mixing with the ones that poured along my face in those horrible-looking tear strains on my face. I thought I couldn�t cry anymore. But I was wrong.

In fact I cried so hard I had to choke and cough and didn�t get any air for several minutes.

I think my heart has stopped right about that very moment. And never started beating again ever since.

And I ran out of that building, hearing you raging how I fucking didn�t deserve to be able to have friends like mine and a sister that depends on me like a child. That I had been giving the bloody greatest gift in life and simply threw it away for nothing. That I destroyed everything that was good in his life. Including us.

You shouted �go to hell�

And oh, how I�d want to know what had happened to him to make him this cold.

//What are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood
What are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad\\

So I went home. No, I didn�t go home. I went to Sunnydale�s worst and only motel drive-in. That�s were I stayed after I had to kill my best friend in order to save the world *again*. Sweet, sweet Willow. I couldn�t ever forget your sweet smile and the trust in your eyes.

And I felt a rock as large as Africa form in my throat and let out a sob.

A tiny, agony-ridden noise that disturbed the rats just outside that door.

Willow, I don�t think I should have ever come to Sunnydale. Without me she�d never even found out what went bump in the night. She would have never found out there was something in this world as such as magic. She�d still be with her Tara. She�d never have been standing in the line of fire.

And Tara! God, Tara. She died because I wasn�t able to see the danger in a boy who constructed sick robots and had killed his own girlfriend.

Xander turned his back on me when he found out about me and Spike right after. And I still feel the tears that suddenly flow down my rosy cheeks and I don�t bother to wipe them away.

It�s somehow comfortable to feel your own tears on your lips. The salty liquid that tastes so much like your cold kisses. Kisses I�ll never be able to taste again.

I wonder where you are now. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you thinking about me right now, too? Do you remember?

And I wonder not for the first time what it is that draws me to you, because you�ve hurt me in a way that nobody else would ever be capable of. And I still love you.

I want to go home. I want my bed. I want my tub. But I can�t, not now. Dawn has to be alone right now. She doesn�t forgive me for what I did.

How could she? I don�t either.

God, Willow, why can�t you stay with me?

And I so dread to run back to you. I would let you scream at me and torture me some more with words so obviously smeared with pure hatred towards me if you could only hold my hand.

//How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name\\

And against all logic reasons I went back to see you, only four days after my accoutre with you in your big, looming and somehow frightening lobby of the big hotel I didn�t know you had.

And I found you, still sitting on the same spot, crouched with your head in your knees, crumbled against the counter, the spot I left you in.

And I want to kick myself in the ass. You�re in so much pain, why couldn�t I see it? Why was I so selfish that I didn�t see the anguish in your eyes?

So I walked up to your still form and touched your shoulder gently.

And you snapped up, pushing me back against the so far away wall and I collapsed to the floor after my head had kissed the stone of it.

But you didn�t care. You told me you hated me and what I was thinking. Who I thought I was. I wasn�t supposed to come back there and I knew it.

But the words you said right after hurt me so much more.

You told me you were in love with Cordelia and I should back off and go back to fucking Sunnydale. Quote.

I can�t really remember what I did after. I guess I don�t want to remember. The next thing I know was that I desperately tried to move on, too. I wanted to be sure that the love I felt wasn�t real. That I only pretend to love you. That I DON�T love you.

But it doesn�t matter how many times I let myself be fucked by guys I don�t even know the name of, your smell doesn�t fade.

//Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city
My brother saw you somewhere downtown
I'd be paralysed if I ran into you
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again\\

I know you can make love to her, Angel. I know you two are together. Tell me, Angel, why couldn�t you find a way when WE wanted to stay together.

But that�s just it. YOU didn�t want to stay with me. You never did. And I guess you never wanted.

And I know it should feel strange for me to think this but somehow it�s not. It feels true.

The curse was just an excuse for you to leave me.

The love I was so sure I had forever wasn�t even there in the first place. What was I, Angel? A crush? A One-Night-Stand? Your clingy ex?

God, I want to go home.

But I never went home.

//What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god
What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin\\

Dawn had contacted Hank. She lives with him now. She never forgave me.

So what is home then? Home is where your heart is, but my heart is in L.A. and I was told to stay out of there. And now that my little Dawnie is gone, where is my home when not with her? She was all I lived for. She was the only thing in this world that kept me from killing myself only to get to this beautiful place again.

And I�m tempted to try again. Maybe, if I just took that knife from the inside of my boot and....

No. Heaven isn�t in for me anymore.

Because, Willow, you never deserved this.

//How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name\\

I ended up selling the house, earning myself an angry phone call from my beloved Dawn, the only time she spoke to me after I....

She told me to never bother again to even get near her. That she was through with me the moment I had signed these selling-papers. She asked me how I could sell mom�s house.

Mom, wherever you are, you�re at peace. I can tell.

I want to be there, too. I want to be happy again.

Please Angel, let me be your happiness.

I am now staying at an apartment in the bad part of Sunny D., my only true friend my best friend�s cat. Miss Kitty Fantastico is seven, now. She has a cute little belly and so wonderfully soft and shimmering fur. She�s the most beautiful cat in the world. I wonder why she always stayed this small. She�s so much smaller that normal cats. If I tried, she�d still fit into both of my hands.

Well, if my hands weren�t that small. You know, she�d easily fit into YOUR hands.

I miss your hands.

//So here I am one room away from where I know you're standing
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in
This man knows not of how this information has affected me
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in\\

And the moment I realise you�re near. You�re there, you�re here with her. In the Double Meat Palace, sitting with Cordelia at one of the tables, chatting. Smirking at her with your sexy half-smile you used to gift ME with. � I suddenly am aware of the smell of fried chicken on me and the goofy uniform I�m wearing and the only person here that knows how to pronounce my name being Sofia, I panic.

I don�t want you to see me like this. I don�t think you want to see me.

So I flee, I dash from the scene, out the back door and ran so fast I can. I ran through the cemeteries, half hoping some Vampire would come and kill me. I don�t wanna be here anymore.

And there is a Vampire, �Angel.�

... right in front of me, smiling kindly into my eyes.

//What are you my kin? You touch me like you are my kin
What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air\\

The End

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