Cup of Coffee

Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, never will be. And really, I don't wanna have it...
Notes: I *know*, I'm still working on CPII, don't worry. My life is just hell these days and this is kind of supposed to get my mind a little at ease at the moment. Just love the song and well...
#2 Note: The song's 'Cup of Coffee' by Garbage. It's an amazing song on an amazing album. beautiful garbage . Go and get it!!
Summary: Song-Fic, Angst. Buffy can't deal with Angel's rejection. SUICIDE .
Rating: Strong R for language and Suicide.
Feedback: PLEEEEEEEEAAASE!!!
Buffy's POV

*~*~*

I played with your son, so tiny and vulnerable in my arms, your friends Gunn and Winifred hovering over me as if I was the plague, when all the windows and glass doors around us splashed broken.

It seemed like it had only taken the wind, a little blow of breath to shatter them, and demons big and ugly, small and unique, even in their own way very beautiful and graceful, stormed into the lobby of your hotel.

And I fought, never taking my eyes of the bundle of flesh, your flesh and blood, whimpering softly into my chest.

And I paid dearly.

The wounds on my body weren't countable anymore when I was finished with them, and I broke down to the floor.

Your son was okay. I didn't let any harm get to him. He was laughing, he didn't realise what had happened around him only a few moments before. I had kept him safe. As well as your friends.

And the blood was pouring from my open stomach and leg, but I couldn't move to hinder it from flowing onto the floor of your hotel. I couldn't move at all.

Everything inside of me seemed to be broken, smashed in two.

And I so begged for you to get back. I couldn't even cry, I couldn't even scream, the pain was just too much.

I so hoped to get help. Your help, any help. Because your friends just stood by, in shock, and the little boy in my arms began to cry, the tears slowly, but oh so painfully burning on the flesh ripped away from me.

And all I could do was flash him a weak smile, a little twitch of my bloody mouth. He cared.

And then you arrived. Screaming at me for coming here, getting your son into this kind of danger. Then he snatched the baby boy away from me, ripping me from the only part of me that felt alive.

You didn't even bother to help me up. No, you just went on, cleaning your son from my blood, disgusted.

I didn't even realise that Cordelia had started to clean up my wounds, commenting on how bad they looked with her angry glances that told me in the most subtle way on how she hated me for it.

No one bothered to thank me for keeping little Conner safe.

And when you called me into the kitchenette silently offering me a cup of coffee, steaming and burning hot,

I knew.

You didn't have to say anything else but the soft 'Go.' And I went home.

Only that I'd forgotten where home was.

//You tell me you don't love me over a cup of coffee
And I just have to look away
A million miles between us
Planets crashing to dust
I just let it fade away

I'd forgotten who I was. I'd forgotten everything.

So I stayed, walking LA's streets at night.

And I killed. Like a machine. Just to block the pain out of my heart, until I closed it up completely.

I didn't care anymore.

But deep down in my heart I still prayed for you to take it all back, enclose me in your arms and kiss my fingertips goodnight. Forever. Always. Until the sun ceased to be and the clouds exploded into warm drops of light over our entwined hands.

And all I had to cling on was the image of your smile, looming over me in the protective light of the moon, so many years ago.

All I could remember were your lips when they kissed me goodnight, lingering a little too long on my forehead, every night.

All I saw in my dreams were your hands, leading me the way through the darkness when I couldn't see, showing me what real gentleness was when I felt as if the world was too hard to keep living in it.

All I felt on me when I walked through the night in your town, were your eyes, undressing me, twinkling at me in that lustful way, piercing through every one of my thoughts, understanding me, talking to me, stalking me, desiring me.

But the next thing I saw were those same eyes. Shouting at me, glaring at me, hating me.

And it took all my willpower not to let go when I saw those same eyes, smiling at another in this way. A person who hated me all the same.

But you didn't hate me.

//I'm walking empty streets
hoping we might meet
I see your car parked on the road
The light on at your window
I know for sure that you're home
But I just have to pass on by

Every time I closed my eyes, this image came back to my mind.

I wanted to forget.

I couldn't. I couldn't ever forget those eyes.

And the sound of Spike's voice kept ringing in my ears. You're *not* friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends.

And I believed him, so long. But in the end, Spike was still wrong.

It didn't take death to do us apart. It didn't kill us.

We didn't hate each other. Never.

You just stopped loving me. And I guess you're sorry for what you did that day. I guess you're sorry for the way you acted that day.

You want to be friends.

Because you can. You don't hate me.

You don't love me.

//So no of course we can't be friends
Not while I'm still this obsessed
I guess I always knew the score
This is how our story ends

I don't know when I started smoking. But I do.

I found them in your old apartment. And don't know why I went there, either. I wonder why nobody ever moved in here.

But I found them all the same. Vanilla flavoured. Old.

Do cigarettes get too old? Do they taste different?

I don't know. I don't taste anything at all.

And all I see is the smoke radiating back from my lungs. Puffing around me like a cloud, just staring at the ceiling into space. Where I see nothing at all.

I don't know when I smiled the last time. I don't know when I really talked the last time. I don't remember how to live.

So I just play mommy. But I know Dawn knows that I don't have a clue what I'm actually doing. What am I doing? I do nothing at all.

I don't feel anymore. I don't know how to.

You broke me. Once and for all.

So I pretend nothing is wrong, and try to find people who don't know the real me. That don't see what's wrong.

They see a shell. And that's what I've become.

They use me. But I don't care.

They don't know me.

You don't know me.

//I smoke your brand of cigarettes
And pray that you might give me a call
I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls
Hanging round bars at night wishing I had never been born
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home

And when I watch the ceiling, quivering above my eyes, while some guy atop of me gets himself off, fucking me into oblivion, I only see the spots of dirt on it.

And I know even if I'd have the chance now, I destroyed it.

You wouldn't want me like this.

You wouldn't want a whore.

And deep inside of me, I always knew that this was how it would always end.

I'm weak.

//So no of course we can't be friends
Not while I still feel like this
I guess I always knew the score
This is where our story ends

So all I did was sitting on my bed, wrapped up in one of your black and silk button-up shirts and your soft boxers.

But unlike so long ago, I don't cry.

I can't cry these tears anymore.

I can't cry.

I can't laugh.

I can't flinch.

I can't smile.

I can't eat.

I can't puke.

I can't move.

I can't talk.

I can't be silent.

I can't scream.

I can't breathe.

And they think they all just failed me.

They stopped caring when I couldn't let them get to me.

//You left behind some clothes
My belly summersaults when I pick them off the floor
My friends all say they're worried
I'm looking far too skinny
I've stopped returning all their calls

So here I am, sitting on my bed again, wrapped up in your clothes and all I feel is the pain crawling inside of me, burning all my insides like holy water would your skin.

I never knew how it felt for a vampire, but now I might have a clue.

What would it feel like, to bleed out?

Would it feel any different from the aching I feel now?

I don't know. I don't know anything at all.

But there's no one to give me answers all the same.

//And no of course we can't be friends
Not while I'm still so obsessed
I want to ask where I went wrong
But don't say anything at all

And all I remembered was this cup of coffee that you offered me, then. Steaming and burning hot.

So hot you knew I'd hurt myself.

But you didn't care.

//It took a cup of coffee ... You don't love me. That was all it took for me to see it.

And lying here, with the blood pouring from my wrists, the knife safely tucked in my left hand, my eyes watching the ceiling how it went blurry, I know nobody's here to help me up again.

Nobody's here to heal my wounds.

Because you're gone.

//...To prove that you don't love me //

The End

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