You Are Not Alone
You Are Not Alone
Disclaimer: Joss is God, Joss is King, Joss our Lord owns everything...
Notes: The song�s called �Colorblind� by Counting Crows.
#2 Note: I�m German, and 15, so there are gonna be thousands of mistakes. :o(
Summary: Song-Fic, Angst. Buffy clears her head about things that she didn�t dare face for a long time.
Rated: The whole Emotion Series is rated R at the most, although I�m not quiet sure about the ratings, since they are different in Germany. Sorry. Mentions Suicide, bad language.
Feedback: PLEASE! I need to know! I wouldn�t bother continuing this if nobody�s reading it!
Dedication: To Eva, cuz I�ve heard nothing about you for over a week now! Where are you, honey? Don�t they have internet in England, anymore???
Aaaaand of course: To my feedbackers of �You are not alone�. You are: John, Leighan, Karin, Deb, Susan and Nicky! Thank you all so much, and sorry I didn�t answer you all, but I wrote another part immediately instead! Thank you! *^_^*
Buffy�s POV
*~*~*
//I am color...blind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside\\
When I woke up I didn�t know where I was at first. Which was strange, because I hadn�t had this feeling too long. It�s confusing. I didn�t sleep anywhere but this bed in a long time.
So what made me feel as if it�s different now, although it�s all the same?
The same white sheets and dark-red satin covers. The candles in the room are still not burning, since I never lit them. My little desk in the corner of the room is untouched. The computer looks as big and grey as ever. It�s all the same. But still it�s like a new world to me.
Because you�re lying next to me, and suddenly the bed that always seemed so big for me has just the perfect size. Small enough that you�re lying directly next to me, skin to skin, but big enough that there�s still a space for me alone.
It�s perfect.
I haven�t felt like this in a while.
And suddenly I realise what�s different. Because although the curtains are closed, to block the sun light from you, the room looks so much lighter today. The couch opposite of the bed looks so much more fluffy and I�m actually tempted to turn on the small TV on my dresser and watch the cartoons I know they�re showing right this moment.
It�s Saturday morning.
A good one.
//I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am\\
I feel complete. And it just feels so foreign for me. Like it�s not me in my body. Like you made me a complete different person with nothing but your gentle touch and soothing voice.
Telling me you love me.
I haven�t felt like this for so long. I haven�t let myself feel like this for so long, since you left. You left a gaping whole in my chest that I never had been able to fill since last night.
I�ve closed myself up completely, hiding behind the agony in my heart. Living from the anguish my soul knew for so long now.
And suddenly it�s gone in a way. Making space for a whole new kind of pain.
Fear.
//Taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside\\
What if you�re leaving again? Leaving me alone?
I don�t know if I could make it a second time. I had barely been able to make it the first time without scratching my own eyes out, or just cut out my veins.
God knows I�ve thought it over thousands of times in my mind. Replaying the scenes over and over in my head, so that I�ve actually only had to switch myself on autopilot and let my subconscious take over.
I shouldn�t think these things, I know that, but I can�t help it.
I haven�t been thinking much else the past years.
And all that time this pain I felt never left, the loneliness never faded away. It didn�t matter how often I let my brains get fucked out by Spike or others. It never changed.
And I�m suddenly wondering where Spike went, two years ago. He just left. Didn�t even say goodbye. I�d grown so bitter than I even drove soulless demons obsessed with me away.
I�ve been an empty shell for the past time of my life. I never smiled. I never laughed.
I never felt like I feel right this moment, with the love of my life lying right beside me.
You pulled me out of myself.
You gave me the world.
//I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine\\
And I got up as quietly as I could, so I wouldn�t wake you.
You look so peaceful, so happy. I don�t know why, but somehow I know you haven�t felt like it for longer, either. I just know.
So I walk into the shower and turn on the water, letting the spray wetting my body and for the first time I actually think it really is cleaning me.
It�s nice.
And I�m suddenly reminded of all those times I spent hours in the tub of my old home, back when I was still sixteen and mom and Dawn where still around, obvious to all the things out in the world. Where I still had been able to protect them from the truth. Back then when my dreams weren�t already shattered.
But I don�t care anymore. And honestly? I don�t want these dreams back. I don�t even want that tub back.
Those dreams were the dreams of a child. Dreams about a red sports car, a rich, mysterious, boyfriend. A nice little family and a picked fence.
No.
I want to build my own dreams. As a woman. With a man at my side that I love, and you love me back. A man I know through and through. A man I let myself open up to. I want to get to know you all over again. And I want you to get to know me all over again.
I want my own tub. In my own home. In our home.
And maybe these hopes are childish and girlish again. But they are mine. They are the dreams of a woman who�d forgotten the meaning of hope in the past.
//I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside\\
I want to open up myself for you. I want you to see the real me. Pull me out of myself and let you soothe all those fears.
I want to stay with you.
Forever.
For real this time.
And when I walk back into my bedroom, which is the only room in the apartment apart from the small bathroom and narrow kitchen, you�re awake. And smiling back at me, lifting one strong hand and holding it out for me to take it.
And I do, I take your hand and let you kiss my pain away.
And it feels just so fucking *good* I fear the day they take me away from you again. And thinking about death doesn�t feel as comforting as yesterday anymore.
I want to get to live. For the first time.
//I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding I am\\
You made me breath again. You breathed the life into my lungs I thought already dead for so long. You made me hope.
And I actually have to smile, really smile like I didn�t since Dawnie left me, because you bent over and take something out of your bag.
Something I missed even longer than my sweet sweet Dawn.
Mr. Gordo. My longest friend in the world. And I�m not even mad at you for taking him, because I know you�ve treated him well. Better than I would have if he�d been here.
I probably would have lost him. Because I didn�t care about anything in my life.
So I�m glad you took him. Because you brought him back to me. Together with yourself.
//colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside\\
I hug my stuffed pig to my chest, covered in only a wet towel and lay my head on chest, closing my eyes while you stroke my arm softly.
And I only hear your soft breathing you�re used to do, only to appear a little bit more human, and it becomes the most important sound to me in the world in just one second.
Because you�re here with me, and hopefully you�re never gonna go again.
//I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am.... fine
I am fine\\
The End
Okay, is it just me, or are the Angel parts always longer than the Buffy parts?????
go back to fanfiction!!!